Sad Banana # 9 Mustache

I Have a Mustache

ME

Mustaches are all the craze. They are making a comeback. It's trendy. I like being trendy. I follow all the trends. So that's why I decided to shave my beard into a mustache. I'm not original at all. I'm a copycat. Whatever is hot and chic at the moment I will do it. I had a faux hawk, a mohawk, a beard, a pony tail, shaved head, and the slick back look. I've done it all, well not really, but close to it. I want to test my limits of feeling comfortable while looking uncomfortable. It's somewhat a test to my self conscious self. People say ,“Looks arn't everything” but actually when you think about it 'looks are everything'. We constantly judge each other by appearance. I wanted to see how life would be with a mustache and how people perceived me. Whenever someone grows a mustache people always state the obvious, “you look creepy like a molester or pedophile”. It took me an hour to shave my beard into a beautiful mustache and your going to call me a creep! It's the longest amount of time I've ever spent on grooming myself and then I get ridiculed? Come on with that! Think of something creative, that's too easy to say. Here are some of the results of what people said to me during my 2014 Mustache Experiment. 

What People Said about My Mustache 

“Holy Sh*t it's Mario!!!”

“You don't look like Mario... You look like Luigi more”

“That looks nasty”

“You Mexican?” No. “Well stop looking mexican then”.

“Bro.... you look like a conquistador”

“You look like an Italian dude. All you need is FIAT to drive”

“Hey cool... you look like a mexican dude”

“Hey you look like a guy who makes pizza”

“That's fake”

“Can I see if it's real?”

“Ok.. Hitler”

“Can you shave that? I hate it”

"You look like the Monopoly Guy"

"You look like a porn star"

“You look like a guy from the 70s”

“Hey it's like your Rollie Fingers”

“That's a sweet mustache”

“You look like a creep”

“Nice mustache. There in now”

“What are you doing? I'm going to get clippers and shave that right off”

“I don't know about your face”

“Ewwww”
“I miss your beard”

Conclusion

As you can see the mustache results varied. A lot of people stared at me, laughed at me, and gave mew weird looks. Women did not compliment it. I just got a blank stare as if I had something on my face. Guys however thought it was cool . In the end I don't think anyone really liked it. So, what can we learn here? Well, never judge a book by its cover. I'm not Hitler, I don't bake pizzas, I'm not mexican, not a plumber, not the Monopoly guy, not a porn star, not from the 70s, not a creep, and I'm not a conquistador. We can all learn from this experiment that there is a heart behind every mustache and my heart hurt.

Sad Banana # 8 "The Fall"

Superman's Weakness: Kyropnite

The Fall

I made it a few steps out the door and then BOOM I hit the floor. I couldn't get up. I couldn't feel my legs. I was numb from the waist down. My legs felt detached from my body. This wasn't the first time this has happened. I tried staying calm but fear overcame my thoughts. This has been happening on a weekly basis. I call it The Curse of the Christopher Reeves Dump. It's where your sitting on the toilet for so long that you feel paralyzed from the waist down. Your blood flow decreases as tingling increases to the point you can't walk. It's a sensation that's unexplainable yet only felt by sitting on the toilet for more than an half and hour (it's the kryponite of sh*tting).

My Weakness: The Toliet

I laid on the floor not more than two steps from the bathroom in awkward pain. I was rolling on floor laughing (rofl) as I tried to gain feeling back in my leg. I laid there for a few minutes thinking... will I ever walk again? I mustered up the courage to get up and stand on my own 2 feet. I felt like Forest Gump when he broke away from his knee brace and learned how to run. It was a miracle! My life was back on track and I could walk.

Prevent future injuries

I'm thinking of having a wheelchair in the bathroom for future incidents. Luckily, I walked away with no major injuries. It could've been worse, I could've broken a leg to pooping. That would've been a horrible way to break a leg. Don't let The Curse of Christopher Reeves attack while your on the porcelain. There are no common similarities in his victims as he is likely to strike anyone who sits on the toilet for an extended period of time. No matter what age, gender, race, or religious beliefs you have. Pray all you want but The Curse of Christopher Reeves can't be undone... (or you just eat a diet rich in fiber and cut the time your on the toilet in half)

Sad Banana # 7 Peaceful Gluttony

Peaceful Gluttony

A lonely man's headquarters.

What's the loneliest/creepiest thing you can do in life? Go to a bar alone? Go to movie alone? No, it's going to a Chinese Buffet by yourself.  It is a very lonesome yet humbling experience. It's on a whole new level of shame and humility. I see it like this... the self conscious lonely person would order take out a because they would be too way embarrassed to eat alone. Then they would retreat back to their dungeon of meekness to disgustingly eat their meal as if no one is looking (because no one is looking). However, the proud loner doesn't give a "F" and displays their isolation with pride. They have no qualms about going to a restaurant alone. Apparently, I'm secure to eat a Chinese Buffet by myself. Although I wasn't “alone” per say, even though I was “alone”. There were several other cheerless buffet goers who had gone by themselves. I ended up counting 4 other losers eating alone. This place was a hub of lonely people as us lonely folk outnumbered the socially inclined.

Gluttony in its finest hour!!!!

In a confident way I felt safe, comfortable, and accepted among the meek. I'm not sure if it was the Vitamin B pill I took before the buffet or if it's my overall relaxed demeanor that made me feel okay with eating alone? It's like I'm content with becoming a creep who stays to himself. I mean I was in my safe place. My comfort zone. I chatted up the manager and we became friends on a first name basis. He told me he would take care of me next time I came in. Hopefully, I will be able to go with another human next time so he doesn't think I'm a certified loser.

Me 20 years from now.

I ended up downing 3 plates of food, 2 cups of soup, and a few waters. I was there for an hour and a half. Not 30 minutes like most regular patrons but an 1 HOUR 30 MINUTES! I saw many lonesome outcasts slowly drag their feet in the door to get their sesame chicken and fried won tons. I've never seen gluttony in such a graceful yet gloomy way. I would definitely eat here alone again. This buffet has a great ambiance that makes it very comfortable for the loner to eat by themselves. I would recommend this place to all who eat in solitude. I give this place 2 creepy thumbs up.

Sad Banana # 6 The Credit Card Caper/Identity Theft

Someone Stole "Me"

     I'm just like everyone else when it comes to paying for goods and services, I use a debit/credit card. I usually keep very little cash on me.  It's very convenient to use a card instead of cash. Who the hell wants change back? Who the hell uses pennies anymore? Pennies are as good as garbage nowadays. Yes, credit cards are convenient but conveniency always come with a risk. Every time you use your credit card you put yourself at danger of becoming a victim of fraud. BEWARE!!!!! the cyber criminals are watching you, me, and your loved ones. Just like you, I thought it would never happen to me. Who the hell would want to steal my identity? I'm not that valuable.  Who wants to be me?   Really.... go ahead and steal my identity. Well... it turns out someone did steal my identity.

Here is what some one did as “me” for a day.  This document is from the Fraud Prevention Unit.

Here is what identity fraud looks like.

     I'll tell you right now they did a horrible job stealing my identity. They got my identity all wrong. The first thing they did with my card was charge 25 cents to pay for a parking meter. Okay, I can live with that. I don't mind being taken for 25 cents. I'm sure they plugged the meter to go to YASSA AFRICAN CARRIBEAN STORE where they charged $12.  Hmm.... I'm not going to racial profile or stereotype here but I wonder "who would've stolen my identity?" Hmm... I wonder who would've went to the AFRICAN CARRIBEAN STORE.  Hmm, what can I infer here?
    Then they went to McDonald's I assume because they were hungry from all the shopping they were doing at YASSA AFRICAN CARRIBEAN STORE.   Nothing works up an appetite like identity theft. Not only did they go to McDonald's once...not twice... but 3 times! You could've went anywhere to eat but you chose McDonald's! Seriously, you could've treated yourself to a nice steak joint, sushi, or to a fine cocktail but instead you go to McDonald's!!! I don't know if guilt sunk in more when they stole my identity or when they got diarrhea after eating a few Big Macs?

   After McDonald's they went to another great establishment K Mart and spent $62.66. Then they filled there gas tank with only $20 worth of gas. Not sure why they didn't fill it all the way up. Maybe they felt remorse for me. Finally, they went to QUALITY HAND CAR WASH. Finally, these thieves did something good with my money. They treated themselves to a $18.00 hand car wash.. not a $3.50 Scrub a Dub Car Wash.. but a hand car wash.

    So, there it is, this is what it looks like when you get your identity stolen. You would think someone as a criminal would get essentials and necessities to live life.  Instead they get a hand car wash, go to K Mart, an African Wig Shop, and eat McDonald's 3 times in a day. I'm not pissed that they stole my identity but I'm actually more angry that they went to McDonald's.   

Editor's Note: The word they is referenced 19 times in this story.  They is a reference to "those people". You know who I'm talking about.. "those kind of people". Everyone knows who "those people" are.  If you know what "those kind of people" phrase means your probably racist.. I mean just telling the truth.

Sad Banana #5 "2013 Job Update"

Introduction

Here is a list of jobs I applied for in 2013 starting in July. No one said getting a job is easy. I'm not here to complain and whine about not getting a job. I'm just sharing the cold hard facts.

List of Jobs I applied for in 2013

1)Salvation Army Volunteer Recruiter

2)Walkers Point Teen Shelter Crisis Intervention Specialist

3)MPS Sports Recreation Coordinator

4)Food Brand Ambassador Promotions

5)Milwaukee Bucks Sales Associate

6)South Shore Ymca Wellness Attendant

7)Better Business Bureau Customer Representative

Help Me!

8)Interfaith Senior Services Volunteer Manager

9)Girl Scouts of American Volunteer Manager

10)Culligan Man Water Distributor

11)UWM Admissions Coordinator

12)Curative Care Coordinator

13)Packerland Rent-A-Mat Route Representative

14)Americorps College Assessment

15)United way Volunteer Coordinator

16)Lead 2 Change Advancement Coach

17)Veterans Job Coordinator

18)Sisters of Notre Dame Transportation Assistant

19)Edible Arrangements Delivery Driver

20)Wilde Toyota Sales/Product Specialist

21)Ups Delivery Driver.

22)Rocketship School Tutor.

23)Home Depot Customer Service Rep

24)West Suburban YMCA Wellness Attendant

25)Curative Care 1 on 1 Care

26)Brookfield Rehab Activity Assistant

27)Integrity Family Services Crisis Counselor

28)ATTC Urinalysis Collector.

29)Tool Parts Driver.

30)Lowes Delivery Driver.

31)Batteries Plus Sales Associate

32)Brew City Promotion Shipping & Receiving

33)QPS Driver Helper. 

34)Toyota Lube Technician

35)Goodwill Donation Attendant

36)Ups Seasonal Driver Helper - I got a Job!

My Life for 3 Months.

So there it is, the raw data. You can't fudge these numbers. This is real life. It took me 36 job applications to finally land a job. Not a full time job. Not a job with benefits. Not even a part time job. But a seasonal part time job that pays $12.88. After countless hours of job searches, writing cover letters, and submitting online applications I get a Seasonal Driver Helper Job at UPS. I'm someones helper. I run packages to houses. A middle school kid can do my job. A middle school kid could do a better job than me.  Apparently this is the only job I'm qualified for. I guess my college degree, management experience, and personable skills make me only qualified for a UPS SEASONAL DRIVER HELPER! I was the modern day Santa for a month. Actually, I wasn't even Santa (I didn't make the toys). I was Santa's little b*tch elf.

   

Self Explanatory.

As you can see I've applied to some god awful jobs. I mean I really set the standards low. It's not even comical anymore. I guess I couldn't cut it as a Batteries Sales Associate? Really? I don't have the aptitude to sell batteries? I guess I wasn't capable of working at Goodwill as their Donation Attendant. Wow? I'm in awe. My skill set most be non existent. I wasn't even good enough to deliver edible arrangements. Huh? What? I guess there is someone who is more qualified in remedial jobs than I am. That's a humbling experience. I feel really great about myself. I'm making a difference in the world. I feel like I'm really helping out society. I feel so good about my self esteem. Life can't get better than this folks. I've made it. All that hard work has really paid off. Sky is the limit.

Please laugh at my life. If you ever want to feel better about your life or job situation. Just read this over and over again and laugh at me. I beg you.. Laugh at My Life.

Sad Banana # 4 "Sandusky Eyes"

 Sandusky Eyes

The locker room

   The mens locker room. It's where men can be men. It's a place where men can let their worries go. It's a place where guys can let it hang literally and figuratively. It's a place where you can relax and be unbothered by society's problems and issues. It's a place of serenity, tranquility, and peace. It's an escape from the stresses of today's fast pace technology. It's a place where you want to just tune out.     

    But...but... but... there's always some old f*ck who messes it up for everyone. There's always one d@mn old guy who wants to talk to you. Moan about the soap dispenser that doesn't work. B*tch about Obama. Complain about this. Complain about that. Not only does the old man complain but he complains while he is naked. He is a naked complainer. He b*tches and moans naked while your naked. He does this when he is changing...when your changing ….when your showering … when he's showering... when he is in the bathroom.... when he is shaving... brushing his teeth. The list goes on. Everything has got to be done when he is NAKED. The old man won't talk to you when he is clothed, that's against the old naked man locker creed. The old man will only talk to you when he is naked or when your about to get naked.

      F@ck the old naked guy in the locker room who tries to talk to me! He has no wisdom to give. If he had wisdom he would have the sense not to talk to me while I'm getting dressed, or in the shower naked, or taking a sh*t naked. F*ck old guys and their wisdom. Here's some wisdom old naked man that is reading this (which he probably not because he doesn't know how to use the Internet). DON'T TALK TO DUDES WHILE YOUR NAKED IN THE MENS LOCKER ROOM AT THE GYM!  

Go about scrubbing your low riding balls and keep me out of it. Thank you very much.

"Sandusky Eyes"

It seems to never fail that an old dude will stare at my youthful nut sack wishing that he had a nice lift to his balls. Maybe... its in my head, although I highly doubt it. Lets take a look at situation I had at the gym the other day and you be the judge. Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? For those who don't know what Sandusky Eyes means... it's when an old man stares at younger men in a deviant way.

      I arrive to the sauna and I'm only the one. Yes... time for some rest and relaxation I think to myself. The sauna at this particular gym is set up with a window that faces the lounge in the locker room. I'm sure the window is there for safety reasons. You can watch the clock and often see members walk back and forth. I find my seat which is easy because I'm the only one in it. I plop down and glance at the time just to get a gauge on how long I will be in there. As I look at the time I see an old man in the lounge sitting down “watching tv”. We lock eyes and instantly I'm uncomfortable.  Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes?  I'm not sure what to think? I'm on high perv alert in where I think the world is full of creeps and I'm being stared at by a lot of creepy dudes. With that being said, I immediately move to the seat over to the left so this man can't see me. He is still sitting in his chair but he is no longer in my view. I'm at peace and now can sit back and relax. 5 minutes pass and I can see the old man move from his chair and slowly walk pass the sauna window. He is different from the other members who walk pass the sauna window. This guy looks in as he walks by, as other members just keep their head straightforward. Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? Then again 2 minutes later he walks by the window walking the other way by looking in. Hmm... is he lost? Did he forgot something in his locker room? Then... after walking by the window he comes in the sauna... naked with a towel. I assumed he just showered and he is in there to dry himself off. I don't make eye contact and keep to myself. He is vigorously drying off his foot long balls that almost dangle a few inches from the floor. He is scrubbing away at those nuts. I'm surprised he didn't blow a nut and have nut leakage. He drys himself, then leaves the sauna. As he walks out the door I passively aggressively give him the middle finger behind his back and whisper “f*ck you”. I'm not going to call out a pervert for wanting to see my young supple body. There is no way he will admit it. I'm in a lose lose situation. Is it a coincidence or Sandusky Eyes that he came into the sauna while I was in there alone?

Old Man Pervert

I stay in there 10 minutes longer because I don't know what this guy is up to. He knows I'm going to have to shower after the sauna eventually. If he was a smart creep he would've acted like he was going to shower when I was going so he could watch me wash my smooth sun kissed skin.  But he didn't, he is a dumb creep.  I hit up the showers hoping that the coast is clear. I un change to get naked so I can shower in the showers. Low and behold this old mutha f*cka has a locker in the locker aisle that can see the showers. Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? I'm like just my fricking luck.. this dude would have an aisle where he can see all the dudes shower at once. There is no heterosexual way to shower if you feel like you are being stared at by a old creep. Don't get twisted this guy is not a homosexual. Old guys are not gay. They are f*cking dirt bag creeps who want anything that is young. So how do I shower? Do I turn myself away from him? But then he will see my @$$. Do I not show my @$$ and show him my frontal? But then he will think I want to give it to him. Either way you need to sacrifice your butt or your junk. You can't shower sideways to a creep because he can see both parts in action. I guess it depends on what your working with. I could creep out this old guy with my lil unit and pubes but maybe he has a big pube fetish. Then I think you can never creep out a creepy old dude. They seen it all. So he is changing still while I'm showering. I take a quick shower, go to my locker, and get quickly dressed. 

 At this time, I believe that this guy has left. My locker room is in the 2^nd isle to the exit so I see everyone come and leave. I'm at my locker, drying off you know minding my own business. At this point I'm in my underwear and I think I'm in the clear. I usually look at passer bys out of curiosity. Low and behold the creepy old dude is passing by on his way out. We lock eyes again as I'm in my tight underwear. Really? Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? Just when you thought he left the locker room he turns around and glances at me again. WTF! Then immediately turns around to leave while getting another good stare in. He doesn't even make it look like he forgot something. This is not a coincidence, this is Sandusky Eyes in its purest form.

F off old perv with Sandusky Eyes!

Sad Bananas # 3 Hot Job

 Things Are Warming Up

Yeah man yeah

   

I try to stay fit. I say “try” because when I workout I just do light intensity. I don't drink protein shakes, put up big weight, or grunt like a grunt at the gym. I do a quick 20 minute workout, drink water, light dumbbells, and don't even make a moan when I do my light intensity . I also alternate using the sauna and steam room to get my sweat on.  Why actually do exercise to sweat when you can sit in a sauna and do absolutely nothing to sweat?  Today was sauna day!  I enjoy the sauna as it's relaxing, peaceful, and entertaining. I say entertaining because occasionally you will get an old naked dude drying off his senior citizen nut sack.  I guess that's entertaining in a weird way.  I call it "wierdtainment".  Or you get the random dude wise cracking in the corner about something dumb. Or listen to other guy moan about some remedial thing that is wrong in their life. 

Me on the left. Car Salesman on the right.

Today, I got the guy talking to me about his life which turned into my life.  I am often in the sauna for 15 to 20 minutes.  However, the longer I'm in there, the more I put myself at risk to see testicles of all ages, sizes, and colors.  It goes without saying, "I don't want to see saggy man nuts".  Just as I'm about to leave, a meat headed 40 something year old who is too jacked for his own good (think testosterone, HGH, deer antler spray) strikes up a convo. He asks, "you must work outside you got a good tan” as he in looking at my legs. He is talking me up like, “what are you 20?” No, I'm 30. Great... I'm thinking this guy is going to corner me with his bulging biceps and do naughty things to me. He tells me about how he used to work for Cadillac but couldn't deal with their customers so he works at Hyundai. 

Hmm... what to do?

I make my way out and he is still talking about car stuff. Some how he finds out I'm looking for work and from there he goes into sales mode.  He stares at me with crazy eyes and speaks with persuasive intent if I want a job working with him at the Hyundai dealership. He said, “How much you need to live $5k, $4k, $3k?... I'll start you at $2k.. with a $1,500 signing bonus... you will train with me.... not to blow smoke up your ass.. but you got the look.... you got the talent... I guarantee you will be making a lot of money and be happy in a few months.... I'm willing to vouch for you... all you got to do is clean up your neck hair .... come in tomorrow with a tie and shirt... if you don't have a tie...I'll get you one.... I have 20 ties and I will put it on you in the parking lot..... will get you started... I'll teach you everything.... I'll get you a desk with a computer....you will be driving a company car just like me.... I've made $2,000 in one day.... I'll show you my pay stub..... I believe in a guy like you” I told him I'm not a salesman after hearing his sales pitch. He says, “well... do you have a wife or a girlfriend?... I say "yes" to having a girlfiend and he responds, “there you go... your selling yourself everyday”. He says, “follow me to my locker and I'll give you my business card”.

What could have been?

 I willingly follow him to his locker where both of us are hot, sweaty, and have our shirts off still. I'm not sure why I follow him but when you are this desperate you would follow a half naked dude to his locker if he was going to offer you a job. He told me to come in the next day to interview with their hiring manager. I told him I would think about it over the night. It sounded enticing but I just met this guy in a sauna who was talking about my tan, then 5 minutes later he is offering me a job. I don't want to be this guy's little pet at work.  I don't want to do all this guy's b*tch work while he gets paid. This guy tries to play me for a fool, idiot, and/or a pushover. Yes, I am those 3 things but I'm a smarter new breed foolish pushover idiot. 

Sad Bananas # 2 Stranger Danger

 I've Been Stranger Dangered

How people used to shop for groceries

    I used to hate going to the supermarket to obtain groceries but now that I put things in perspective I don't mind. It's better than having to hunt and gather your food for countless hours a day. In the Paleolithic Era hunters spent whole days searching for wild game, animals, and rodents to kill. Women spent hours of gathering berries, nuts, and twigs for a meal's worth of food. Not only do they have to hunt for it but they had to prepare it through , skinning it, butchering it, and cooking it.

    What do I have to do to get a meal's worth of food? I just go to the supermarket and everything is already “hunted” and “gathered” for me. I put my seat belt on and drive my Toyota Sedan to the nearest grocer and easily find a parking spot. Am I one of those persons who have to get one of the nearest spots near the store? No. Do I find the furthest spot from the store to make a point about not being the closet? Yes. From there I walk an extra 50 feet! Yes 50 feet! OMG! You should think about walking too! It might even out those Oreos, Twinkies, and 2 Gallon Tub of Ice Cream you are going to eat when you get home.

    Anyways from there I go through the automatic sliding doors that open for me (god forbid I open a door by myself) and then I get a cute little basket (or if I go green I bring my own bag). Then I just have to look for food in the aisles which are nicely labeled, buy the food with cash or credit, and then cook it by microwave or oven. Very simple to be a present day hunter and gatherer. It's the convenience of modern technology. I digress as I was not supposed to write any of that. Rather I was supposed to talk about an instance I had at the self checkout lane a few weeks back. Here is my self checkout lane situation.

Dumb Lady & Dumb Kid
at Self Checkout

     I prefer to use self checkout because then I don't have to talk to a grumpy cashier lady who secretly judges all the food I buy. Screw off check out lady! I will buy pounds of pounds of meat. I'm carnivorous and love it!

      So, I'm at the self check out lane ringing up my items minding my own business as a young kid walks up to me. I'm about to smile and say hi to the little fellow but then from the adjacent self checkout lane his mother utters, “stranger..... stranger danger.... you know better than that... stranger danger” and the kid walks back to his mother. Great... I think to myself... everyone around me thinks I'm a pedophile. I could understand if was wearing a trench coat, had long greasy hair, and was looking disheveled, but honestly I wasn't for once.  I was just Stranger Dangered by an adult. It's a somber feeling to be branded a “stranger” that will cause “danger”.

What a real stranger
looks like.

     At that moment I felt like hiring a real life stranger to cause danger to this overprotective mother. I don't know where or how you hire a stranger but I felt like teaching this “b*tch mom” a lesson. It wouldn't surprise me if they had www.strangersforhire.com to creep out kids, families, and/or co workers.        Anyways, I get embarrassed and say nothing as I quickly pay for my things and exit the grocery store as to make eye contact with no one.
   I didn't want to start an argument with a stressed out woman with 4 kids because I'm a pushover. Instead.. passive aggressive me conjures evil scenarios in my head about her demise.  My first instinct is to look back at this mom and say, “excuse me... I work with kids as my profession” but I don't. This dumb mom lady incorrectly used the stranger danger code of conduct. I was no more than 6 feet from this dumb lady and her dumb kids and she had the audacity to cry out “Stranger Danger”. 

    Probably the best thing that can happen to this woman would be if someone kidnapped one of her kids. Does this lady really need 4 annoying kids? We should only be allowed to reproduce no more than 3 kids! With one less kid she would be way less stressed and save a lot of money. Also, by having this kid kidnapped she wouldn't have to save money for this kid who probably won't have a future anyways because he is dumb enough to talk to a stranger like me. Actually, I think this lady should be kidnapped or “adultnapped”. That will show her to not call a stranger a stranger.

La Cabezas - Hungover At Night Review

Music Album Review

La Cabezas- Hungover At Night

By Nude Dude

Here is the link.  La Cabezas Mixtape Just Click and Listen! I review each song on album.

Producer EP and Rapper MC M.U.T.T

Pre Game (Intro)

The album starts off by MC M.U.T.T (Music Used To Transcend) making a checklist of what he “needs” before he goes out to party. On that list is “pills, weed, and expired condoms”. Yes, your heard it right “expired condoms”. With that being said La Cabezas waste no time in setting the tone for this drug induced alternative hip hop party album. Forgot the metaphors. This album is direct and to the point. They don't beat around the bush they give you the bush. This album is collection of dark thoughts and demented beats produced by EP which happens to be my brother. This album is what happens when Tyler the Creator and LMFAO (and I mean that in a good way) become conjoined at the hip to make a disjointed style of hip hop (pun intended).

Velvet Ropes

As soon as the La Cabezas are done with the Pre Game they get right into the mix by going to the club. They plead there case to get in the club even though they have been smelling like “Marley”. “Marley” is a classic weed reference in hip hop songs. MC M.U.T.T sounds like an early 90s laid back rapper. Velvet Ropes is a spooky version of a Too Short/Devin the Dude song with a quicker uptempo beat something that most laid back rap stoner songs lack.

Lemme See Your ID

This song is pretty self explanatory. It begs the question, “Lemme See Your ID”. This song is short and to the point. You would think age would be in question but MC M.U.T.T hints that this “suspect hoe” might really be a man not an under age girl with a fake ID (which most of us would assume (as I just assume an assumption)). This song has a repetitious chorus with an electronic dance feel vibe.

Vodka Water

We have all spent a night in “the drunk tank” no matter what age you are. A reference to whorish girls are a common theme in The Hangover. I enjoy how La Cabezas poke fun at arrogant girls with braces who have corpse like bodies who talk to much. This song promotes in having alcohol in it's purest form “have jameson straight” and don't taint your alcohol with other additives.

Bitch Rain Champagne

In this song it sounds like the La Cabezas make their way to the very salacious dance floor. I think that when MC M.U.T.T raps “make that bitch rain make that bitch rain champagne” I believe he is saying, “make a girl orgasm real good”. However, I could be wrong he could “want a bitch to rain champagne”. La Cabezas no matter how much they rap about loose women they also have there own shortcomings with abusing drugs.

Album Cover

Klap

It's weird reviewing a song that you are on, especially a song that relishes in how the younger generation thinks it's cool to get STDs. We live in a world where the only things trending on the internet are vile horrible instances. What else can be a trend? Promiscuity? Drug Use? Alcohol? All of those things lead to the Klap. La Cabezas want to be the first ones to let everyone know not to be ashamed of your STDs but to wear it like a badge of honor and “klap”.

Put Your Titties Away

This headbanger is for the children (not really). Well it's for girls who think it's cool to take selfies of their tits. This song has a positive message for all those self conscious girls who succumb to society and magazines thinking that the only way they can get attention is by showing off their body. La Cabezas don't want to see your tits they want to see your mind.

Who You Booty Calling

If I had to categorize this song I would call it a deep house booty hip hop song. I'm not sure what deep house means but my friend is a deep house DJ and it sounds as if this beat is a deep house track with rapping vocals.

Hungover At Night

This song MC M.U.T.T crones about how crazy and drunk the night was. It's reminiscent of a drunk Andre 3000 song from album The Love Below. After saying that they want girls to put thier titties away they change their mind and in fact want to see the girls titties.

Overall

There is always something “dark and gloomy” about an EP produced album. Just a pinch of depression in each song no matter if it's a happy club track or a straight hip hop beat. EP brings his own unique uncharacteristic beats that go against the norm. He is DJ Swizz Beats meets Timbaland meets a deranged 28 year old (him). It's a sound that no one else can recreate which goes by no method. MC M.U.T.T plays by his own rules as well. Even though I compared a lot of his flows to different rappers he is a grainy emcee that does it his way. That what makes this album so earthy as it does not conform to any genre thus making their own genre which is tough to categorize. If your looking for an original flavor with no additives this is the album to listen to.  

Sad Banana # 1

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What A Jerk (Short True Story)

                                                               What a Jerk This Guy Was

                                                                     A True Short Story

      What I thought would be a routine trip to the grocery one morning turned into witnessing a tragic moment that may change my life forever. I'm a proponent some say an advocate of pooping in public restrooms. I have no qualms about it and never had a problem. You build your toilet paper nest and take a seat and go to town. Or if your a girl you can hover as if you were a bird flying over a pond dropping turds from the sky. I immediately go to the bathroom because I need my morning movement for the day. I start my day off right by dropping the deuce. I realize I'm doing it backwards. I should defecate after I go grocery shopping because now I'm going to have fecal matter all over my food products. I know that I can wash my hands after I poop but I was just literally wiping my @ss for 10 minutes. Do you think I want to pick pears from the fruit isle, get a head of fresh iceberg lettuce from produce, or scoop some chocolate covered raisins with my @ss wiping hand? The answer is NO! I don't care how much soap you use, it's the thought of my hand near my @sshole for for a long duration of time.

Anyways, this particular grocery store is clean so when I build my nest, I only use one layer. I don't build nests like I used to. Remember the 90s when hot pockets, tombstone pizza, and tina's burritos were all the rage. You had to build a 5 layer nest to sh*t in those toilets. That food will give the runs lets be honest here. Being that this grocery store was in a nice area, clean bathrooms, and friendly staff, I chose to build a quick 1 layer 2 ply tp nest.

     

      Let's get to the point. My poop is going great. I can't have a better poop. Everything is right on time. There are no hiccups in this poop. I'm texting my friends I haven't heard in awhile, thinking about what I'm going do today, and what I'm going to have for breakfast. Just doing the normal stuff we as humans do on the crapper which is poop and think. But I hear a little something from the other stall which makes me think “what the hell is going on over there?” I don't pay attention that much because I am so in engulfed in what I got going on in my toilet that I block it out. I can't seem to ignore the constant huffing and puffing in short breath intervals. I think “oh great this guy is jerking off”. Yet, I don't want to assume this guy is jerking off you know? It's not the first thing I want my mind to jump to while making an assumption about the guy next to me in a public restroom stall? At this point I try to suppress my mind of him jacking off but then I hear him speak. He utters the words, “sorry for all the racket...I just got the morning blues”. I respond, “don't worry about it”.

      

      At this point I assume he is having a real hard time taking a sh*t. We have all been there when it's a process to push one out and to no avail. So, I give the guy the benefit of the doubt in which in hindsight I probably shouldn't have. Again, I hear a couple of groans and the classic jerk off sound that every guy knows about. The classic short slapping sound of your clothes rubbing together as your hand is vigorously peeling one off. I'm in denial at this moment in time. I still didn't want to believe that this guy is the notorious nutter. Then in a very depressing voice I hear the man state, “you got to do it somewhere. when your not getting any at home”. F*ck!!! My life became still. It was confirmed that this man was indeed jacking off in the stall next to me. I don't know why but I responded with “you got to do what you got to do”. There was no time to think about a clever response. What if I ignored him? What if I scolded him? For whom, am I to Judge? Would have this angered this man? I didn't want to anger him. You don't anger a man with a loaded gun... never. This guy essentially came to the sound of my voice. It was around 8:00am at this time. That's too early to have a guy cumming to my sultry smooth voice. Man.........This guy was in mid jack off while trying to hold a conversation about how he was jacking off next to me. This is not the way to start the day off right.

    

      I immediately scrambled my fidgety hands for the toilet paper to wipe and go. I assumed he heard me trying to leave and wanted to beat me out of there (no pun intended). I believe he wanted to leave before I left so I wouldn't tell on him. I was cornered though, there was no way to escape so I decided to hold down the fortress. Also, I couldn't have hopped off the toilet during mid poop and have a load of dingle berries in my underwear. I didn't want to walk around the grocery store with an itchy @ss. I needed some god@mn eggs! I changed my stance there was no way I was leaving until that guy left. I assumed he blew his load during our conversation as I heard him pant and groan some more. I didn't want to think or hear about it. The damage was done. He had won the wank off war and I was a victim of this man's debauchery .

   

     After he brought himself to completion, he flushed the toilet and made his way out. He didn't try holding a conversation anymore as he had used me. He metaphorically “hit it and quit it”. I would like to think he was embarrassed at this moment but this guy was a professional. Professional Jacks like him have no morals. They don't fall in love with their victims. Anyways, I didn't want to look through the door crack to put a face to the perpetrator. I peered through a little just to catch a glimpse of a badger red sweatshirt as he walked by my stall. At this point I listened to see if he washed his hands or if he was just going to flee the bathroom for a quick getaway. I heard him wash his hands and leave. I stayed in the bathroom stall to lament on what the f*ck just happened? I felt gross, ashamed, and dirty. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head at this time. At first I thought it was my fault. I was asking for it by wearing my high shorts and crocs. This guy took my manhood, dignity, and integrity only to throw it all away. I felt like this guy wanted me to jerk him off. I felt like he wanted to cum on me. Thank god there was no glory hole. It didn't matter if there was no glory hole, I was within feet of catching cum on my crocs. Who knows where this dude came? We don't need people like this in society. You could say this guy was a real jerk!

   

     I finally got the courage to get up off the toilet seat. More thoughts invaded my head as I thought grocery store workers were going to blame me for jerking off. I had to wipe quick and get off the toilet seat so I wouldn't appear to be the sticky bandit. I slowly opened the door and it was clear. No one was in the bathroom. I felt disgusted because this bathroom was full of depressed middle aged cum hand or hands (not sure if he used both hands). I had to pick a sink to use. Which sink did the cum bandit use? The right sink with no soap in it or the left sink with all the soap suds in it. I assumed this public puller was a responsible masturbator, so I figured he washed his hands in the left sink with all the soap suds in it. I went for the right sink to wash my hands. For a second, I thought it was a trap but I concurred “a lil man juice never hurt anyone”. Lastly, there was the inevitable door handle to leave the bathroom. My heart skipped a beat for a minute as I stared down the door handle. I imagined all the seamen hands that have touched that man handle. Now I know why so many guys use the paper towel trick to open the door.

   

     I left the bathroom into the grocery store reflecting on what just happened. Do I tell customer service that a guy in red was talking to me and jacking off at that same time in the bathroom while I was taking a poop? I couldn't concentrate, my body was numb, my senses were off. Why God? Why did you let me hear this? Was this a sign? Did I miss the lesson you were trying to teach God? Is the lesson not to jerk off in public because I don't do that God. I would never do that God. I have a computer for that kind of stuff and I'm sure that guy has a computer too. I don't care if the guy was not getting any sex at home. Don't f*cking go to the grocery store public restroom to peel one off then talk about peeling one off while I'm in the next stall. There are plenty of places to rub one off in your house. Maybe you should try to woo your wife a little better than telling me ( a guy you have never met) about you jerking off in public. Godd@mnt, maybe I should stop using god*mnt. Maybe that was the life lesson. Either way bring on the tally whacker therapy and cum counseling because I'm a trauma victim who needs help.

Thank you for reading. I feel a lot better now.

14 Hours From Unemployment # 1

“14 Hours from Unemployment” # 1

Intro

This blog is a spinoff of the ever so depressingly popular My Life Unemployed series that lasted 13 posts. The writers of Life Unemployed had to take a good look at our direction and reevaluate our motive. We realized that we hit our prime sadness and wanted to go out on top of the bottom. We don't want to end up like Aerosmith, Rolling Stones, or any other band that was good for 10 years then continued to make music into their elder years. We are not reinventing the wheel around here at American Wet Dream Industries... simply we are rebranding. Also, changes to my employment has made it mandatory that we change the name of our blog. If we didn't, we would be fraudulent and guilty of false advertisement. The origin of the name comes from that I'm literally 14 hours away from unemployment. As of this posting I will be working at 2 non profit jobs that total 14 hours combined a week, hence the name 14 Hours From Being Unemployed. So.. moving forward we will have our classic segments of the blog that our readers have ranted and raved about. Not only will we have our classic segments but we are excited to be adding multimedia. The future is here! We now have the technology and knowledge to add jpegs, gifs, and other forms of media.

Name Ideas for New Blog that Got Rejected By Our Staff (Aka Me)

-14 hours from Being a Nobody

-Deadbeat Diary

-I'm a loser baby so why don't you read me (to the hum of that Beck song)

-Life Hate Me

-God, Can you love me again?

-What did I do to deserve this?

-I'm a Boy in a Man's Body

-Sad Bananas

-Insert Clever Blog Name Here

-I Almost Qualify for an Unemployment Check

-I should've voted for Romney

I Try to Buy Pants

   My first day as a “happily” part time employed man I do what anyone else does when they get a part time job..... go shopping!!!! I don't go to the mall to shop for over priced clothes... I go to places like TJ Maxx, Burlington Coat Factory, and Goodwill. I thought I would try my hand at being a Maxxinista so I went to TJ Maxx. A Maxxinista, as defined by the Urban Dictionary, a person who shops a the discount designer department store TJ Maxx. One who finds unique and original designer items at discount prices.

   I needed a pair of athletic pants since my job is primarily working in coaching youth sports. I'm very particular when it comes to athletic pants. I don't want sweat pants because it will make me look like a homeless hobo (double negative.. I know). I also don't want those loud pesky wind pants that feel like your wearing a garbage bag for pants. Finally, I don't want those thin silky athletic pants that give you a boner every time you walk briskly. So with that being said it's tough to find a good pair of athletic pants for me. It doesn't help that I have large T Rex thighs and carnivorous calves that look like those of a rhino.

   I walked through the door of TJ Maxx and made a quick dash to the clearance rack. Unfortunately, there were no athletic pants at the clearance rack. It must be athletic season. So.. I went to the Menswear Athletic section to find a few racks of men's athletic pants. To my dismay these pants were in the range of $25 (and this was after the markdown). Can you believe some of these athletic pants were originally marked at 40 to 55 dollars? I was shocked to find athletic pants to be this much when we all know that everyone looks a dork in the future in athletic pants.

  I perused the large pants section of the athletic pants rack and found not one but 2 pairs of basic black pants for $15 each. I thought this was a steal! This is my price range! I wanted to try them out to see how they looked in my bottom heavy body. Who knows they could turn out to be skinny athletic pants? I bet they would make skinny athletic pants. I make my way to the dressing room and get my dressing room number from the dressing room attendant lady. She gives me a plastic card with the # 2 since I'll be trying on 2 items of clothing. That's dressing room 101 etiquette folks. I put my pants on the hanger hook and undress my pants. I'm very excited at this point as I'm getting this awesome deal on athletic pants for cheap. Something seems odd though. They seem awfully small as if I could fit only one of my monsterous legs into the whole pant. I look a little closer at the tag and its says boys size 14/16. “God@mnt”, I mutter under my breath several times as I'm not a happy camper. I put the gd pants back on the d@mn hanger and slowly walk out to the attendant. Great.. now the attendant thinks I like to sniff and try on boys pants. I bet she thinks I have boys pants fetish. So.. I knew if I didn't say anything she would realize I was a creep. So the first thing I say in a puzzled look, “i guess these are boys pants?” She looks at the tag and replies, “they sure are”. My buyer confidence is crushed. She explains to me where the men's section is as if I'm a blind man who doesn't know how to read. She simplifies the directions as if I was a boy who bought men's pants. Your wrong lady! I'm a man trying to buy boy pants! I don't go back to look for new pants... instead I hang my head low and walk out to the dejection of me trying to buy pants.

Jobs Applied For

Hunger Task Force – Development Department Assistant

Dude... I would love to get this job because it involves food. This job would be primarily in maintaining and developing donor relationships with companies to set up food drives. Man... I would set up the bins and marketing supplies at companies to get food for the poor. I would totes take all the good food out of the bin. This jobs is a gold mine of free food!!!!!

Center for Veterans Issues- Job Developer/Placement Specialist

If I got this job I would help veterans in obtaining a job. Shoot... if I got this job I would place my @$$ in a job. You know? I would give myself a job if I had that job. I would be a Job Developer in that I would develop my own job then be a Placement Specialist by placing my special self in that job. Done deal.