My Life Unemployed #12 (Road Trip)

My Life Unemployed # 12 (30 Hour Road Trip)

Intro/3 Boys and a Buick

It took only 2 days from being back from a 12 day vacation that I decide to take a 30 hour road trip from Milwaukee to Phoenix. Well... it's not as random as it seems. My twin brother is moving in with his girlfriend so he has this grand idea of driving down there. I thought I would help my brother drive to Phoenix since he doesn't have car insurance (because I do). Also, my younger brother was going to help him drive, but he doesn't have a valid driver's license. Being that I have no job..I thought.. why not help these idiots? What's the worst that can happen when the car you bought two days ago for $500 is a 1990 Buick? So, between the 3 of us we had 2 valid drivers licenses, little to no knowledge of cars, and car insurance for a Toyota Camry (thus nullifying the car insurance). Like I said, “What's the worst that can happen?”

Car Background: 1990 Buick

For being such a sh*tty car, I must say it was very comfortable despite having it packed Beverly Hillbilly style. The outside of the car looked like I was it sitting in a scrap yard rusting away for 10 years . The speedometer fluctuated as it worked when it wanted it to. Luckily, we had a GPS system that told us how fast we were going. The speedometer only went up to 85mph, yet we got the Buick up to 94mph. Probably not a good idea but who cares, I'm here aren’t I. The odometer was funky too. Not sure if it worked but I didn't care not my car. You don't really need that unless your selling the car for resale value.

Another car mishap was that the driver side window did not stay up. We needed to buy a needle nose pliers to “roll up” the window. We had to stuff it with paper to keep it from falling down randomly. Other than that the car was in great shape despite that the check engine light was on for 90% of the trip. We also got nervous when the car stalled at a stop light. I believe we were very luckily as we drove this car over 1200 miles without having a major problem. I forgot to mention that the A/C did not work either, so it made for a warm, sweaty, and moist car ride.

We filled up the gas tank probably 6-7 times. Every time we filled up the gas tank it smelled like gas. We finally realized on the last fill up that the tank was leaking gas when filled to the top. We drove away each gas station leaving a trail of gasoline without knowing it. We don't know sh*t about cars. God were stupid when it comes to cars. I can't believe the car didn't blow up.

Time Line

Tuesday September 3^rd (Milwaukee, Chicago)

6:00pm-Depart My Moms House. Car is Packed with Clothes, Kitchen Ware, & More Clothes

6:10pm-Arrive at Potowatomi Casino. I win $30. Get $50 worth of free food from Casino Restaurant

7:00pm-Leave Milwaukee

8:30pm-Arrive in Chicago to pick up brother. Eat Dinner & Chill Out

9:45pm-Leave Chicago

11:00pm- Check Engine Light goes off and on every 15 minutes

Wednesday September 4 (Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico)

2:00am- In Missouri somewhere at a seedy Grocery Store. Buy needle nose pliers to put up window. See an elderly woman shopping this late. Also see a trashy guy buying flowers. Who needs flowers this late?

6:00am- Get Lost in Kansas City. Dumb GPS is being dumb. We drive through city.

9:30am- Stop in Small Town in Kansas and Eat at a Local Restaurant ran by Amish People. Eat A lot of pastries.

11:00am- Drive Thru Boring Kansas. Go through the not so Great Plains.

12:00pm- Check Engine Light is on permanently. We put oil in oil tank but light is still on.

1:30pm- Go Through Panhandle of Oklahoma. Looks like a dump.

2:30pm- Get to Texas. Looks even more like a dump than Oklahoma.

3:30pm- Eat at BBQ joint in Small Town of Texas. I'm scared of all the old white republicans.

6:30pm- Stop at Casino because it's just off freeway. We say, “lets stay for an hour” but we gamble for 3 hours playing Blackjack.

12:00am- Book a Hotel because it's too late to drive. We pay for hotel with money we won. Take showers and get a good night's rest. 6 more hours to drive!

Thursday September 5^th (New Mexico, Arizona)

11:45am-Leave Hotel, My brother gambles more (wins $50) and I eat breakfast.

1:00pm-Arrive in Arizona. We realize gas is leaking from gas tank. Drive away gas station quickly

3:00pm- Deadly hot heat in AZ with no working A/C.

4:00pm- I end up getting naked in back of car. Doesn't help.

Arrive

PHX Thursday September 5^th 5:15pm

We somehow dodged all toll roads on our road trip. Maybe they don't have toll roads on the way from MKE to PHX. Then we realized that our GPS was routed to avoid major highways and toll roads. This made perfect sense as it seemed like we were on the back roads for the whole trip. I felt like I was near a farm every 15 minutes. It was the most un scenic trip I ever took.

That is the trip. It will be forever remembered as “the Buick that could”. Let this trip be a reminder that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I needed this trip. If a beat up 1990 Buick can get to Milwaukee to Phoenix then a broken man down on his luck (me) should be able to get a full time job.

My Life Unemployed #11

Intro 

Oh what the hey... I'm getting desperate.  I applied to be a Girl Scout (not literally).  I should just become a girl scout though.  It's probably more lucrative than what I'm doing now.  I'd slang some girl scouts cookies.  I think that's sexist though.  Why don't the boy scouts make girl scout cookies?  Meaning.. why don't boys have boy scout cookies?  Does society think that boys can't bake and girls should be Betty Crocker?  Well, that's partly right but not at all.  My brother is a chef although he is a man.  Maybe... I'll invent Man Scout Cookies instead of Boy Scout Cookies.

Job Applied For

Girls Scouts of America- Volunteer Development Manager

Here is the actual cover letter I wrote to be the Girl Scouts of America's Volunteer Development Manager.

Cover Letter

To whom it may concern,

I am writing this letter to show my interest in beginning my career at the Girl Scouts of Wisconsin Southeast as the Volunteer Development Manager. I currently, and have worked in the non profit sector for 7 years at various organizations. I have worked in different neighborhoods in the Milwaukee area with a diverse group of children and parents.

I believe my past experiences at the YMCA and Boys & Girls Clubs have been very rewarding, and I would like to continue in making an impact through the Girl Scouts as the Volunteer Development Manager. As the YMCA Teen & Sports Manager and Play in the Parks Coordinator, I've coordinated all aspects of volunteering to on boarding, recruiting, and training volunteers. At the Boys & Girls Clubs of Milwaukee as the Sport, Fitness, & Recreation Coordinator, I have worked directly with motivating at risk youth from ages 4-18 in education, fitness, and a healthy lifestyle. These past experiences have given me a greater knowledge of working with a diverse group of children and in volunteerism.

In addition to my past experiences, I can offer your company a team player with a great work ethic, a positive attitude that creates an enjoyable working atmosphere, and passion for helping those who need help most.

My personal skills demonstrate what I have done in the past and can do in the future for you. I would like to schedule an interview at your convenience, so that we might discuss this matter further. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to meeting with you.

Sincerely,

**** *******

Analysis of Applying for this Job

I'm not sure if this is creepy or okay. We are “supposedly” living in a politically correct world yet I felt very vile and disgusted as I clicked the send button when I applied for this job. I don't know if I felt weird because of me or if society has made me feel this way? I wonder if any dudes work here or if it's all chicks? Anyways, the only reason I applied for this job is because I'm hoping for a life time supply of girl scout cookies. Man.... those are good! F*ck it!.... just give me a discount. I'd sell discount girl scout cookies on the down low. “Gimmie some caramel delites, thin mints... I'll eat all them cookies up. Man I'll eat some girl scout cookies fo sho!” Actually, I read the food labels on girl scout cookies. Geez.... those cookies are horrible! They are laced with food additives, preservatives, and sugar. Girl Scouts of America? More like Fat Girl Scouts of America. The only thing these girls are scouting for are for some more cookies.  You fat f*cks with your  Godd*mn cookies! What the f*ck does selling these cookies teach these girls? It teaches them to be drug dealers. It teaches them to be drug kingpins by selling sh*t that's addictive as f*ck but is no good for the community. F*ck the girl scouts and there f*cking cookies!

Have a nice day.

My Life Unemployed 10

My Life Unemployed #10

Intro

Hooray! Hooray! It's Life Unemployed #10! It is also Labor Day ironically. Funny how I'm not employed during Labor Day. Maybe I should be sobbing and not celebrating that fact that it's my 10th blog about being unemployed. Here are some Fun Facts (well there not really fun facts) about my Job Search. I shall call them Sad Facts instead. Here is a look at my life by the numbers.

Sad Facts

Days Unemployed: 38

Business Days Unemployed: 25

Jobs Applied for: 10

Cover Letters Written: 9

Interviews: 3

Hours I Searched for Jobs: N/A

Days on Vacation: 12 days

Business Days on Vacation: 8 days

Statistical Job Analysis

I have applied for 10 jobs and have had 3 interviews. Statistically speaking, I have 30% chance of getting an interview for every 10 jobs I apply for. That's a low percentage yet has a lot of potential to grow.

I have had 3 interviews all with non profit companies. I have had no job offers after these interviews. So, as it stands I'm 0 for 3 with job offers after interviews. As of now, I have a 0% chance of getting a job after the interviews. These are the plain facts. Numbers don't lie.

Lets take a deeper look in the numbers. I have been unemployed for 25 business days and have been on vacation for 8 business days. I have been on vacation for nearly a quarter (25%) of my unemployment. My first strategy will be implementing a "No Vacation Policy" effective immediately thus having more time to dedicate to the job search.

Overall, I have applied for 10 jobs in 25 business days. This comes out to 1 job application per 2.5 days. This includes writing a cover letter as well. The data shows that I need to be applying to at least 1 job per day. If I apply to 1 job per 5 business days I should be able to get 1 interview per week. The data also suggests that for every interview I get I have a 0% chance of getting the job. In conclusion, I'm a failure with a 0% chance of succeeding. I have the data to back it up. It's all right here. Ball don't lie.

Conclusion

In looking at the data and speaking in terms of the quantitative theory; we need to look at the variables, predicted factors, and the correlation of the values to support my 0% theory on never getting a job. We can conclude that I have a 0% chance of getting a non profit job (since those are the jobs I have most applied for). I could propose an alternate hypothesis in that I would have a higher percentage of a job offer if I applied for a job in different sector. However that theory is quickly eradicated by the fact that I only have non profit experience. It's nullified and will have great consequences in the ratio of percentages. It's a preposterous assumption that will negatively affect the outcome of my self esteem, life, and motivation. It's a model that can not be continued or my life as we know it may not exist.

My Life Unemployed # 9

My Life Unemployed # 9

My 2^nd Interview, Brewers Game, & Casino Again (oops)

My 2^nd Interview at InterFaith Senior Programs

This is a position I just applied to on a whim but after the interview I thought I would actually enjoy working here. I noticed I would be the only male to work here if I got this job as the office was packed with old white ladies. The white collard shirt I wore had 2 beer stains on it from the last 2 weddings I went to. I thought I could hide the stains with the tie I wore. I knew I should've washed the shirt or took it to the cleaners. I guess I could learn how to iron a shirt? That would probably be a good skill to learn. I was prepared to answer the stain question, “So.. How did you get those stains on your shirt and could you go in detail about how it happened?” Unfortunately, they did not ask that question. I accompanied my blue tie with black pants and black shoes. I looked like a server at Olive Garden. I was ready to serve up a side salad, hot bowl of pasta, and desert!!! It only took me 2 tries to tie my tie though. Tie a tie? I love that. Tie... it's a verb and a noun. That's like saying “I pant my pants, I shirted my shirt, and socked my socks”.

Lets just say the weekend I ate like a piggy.  It would've been horrible if I had an upset stomach so

I drank ginger aid hot tea. Ginger is great for your digestive system so I could have irritable free interview. I also relieved myself.... you know... gave myself a 5 finger discount. I thought this would a great way to calm me down but I was relaxed... a little too relaxed.  I had lost my “mojo”.  Next time, I'm going to keep my seamen in me. That sounds really weird but it's true, keep your seamen in you if you want to be successful.  I shaved which is good because I didn't have a gross mustache or 5 clock shadow. But the bad thing was that I looked like a 21 year old. Great... now they thought I was probably a college frat boy.

I believed the interview went pretty good but you never know what the interviewer thinks or how they perceive you. I didn't say “umm” a lot but instead I said “welllll”. At the end of the interview, the interviewer asked me the question, “On a scale to 1 to 10. How nervous were you?” I told her I was 6 or 7. I think I'm naturally a nervous person. I'm like a wigged out squirrel who craves nuts! I need to calm down and be more like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Celebrated My 2^nd Interview

You got to celebrate having an interview. I know it's not getting a job but getting a interview is still a great thing. I went to the Brewer game and snuck in some good ol fashioned crum (crotch rum). The Brewers are having a promotion in where they give each fan a $10 concession voucher for each game in August. I had 7 tickets and only 4 of us went to the game. So, we went in the game twice at different gates and used 2 different tickets to get $20 in vouchers for food each. We spent $80 of vouchers on food and drinks. We got 2 nachos, 2 cheese curd boats, 4 hot dogs, 2 slices of pizza, and 2 licorice ropes. I also stole a bag of peanuts. We ate like god@mn glutton hobo kings! Thanks for the sh*tstorm Brewers!!!! You actually lose by getting this free $10 voucher for food because the food tastes like donkey piss.

Casino Again

I was feeling lucky... I had the itch to go the casino and make some money the wrong way. This story ends in me losing $80. Instead of applying for jobs I tried to make a quick buck. I enabled my degenerate gambling twin brother to go with me by giving him $40. I basically gave money to my brother so that we could hang out. I'm trying to buy my brother's love back.  Even though I lost that money I still got to spend quality time with my bro.  Hmm.. maybe I'll win back my father's love by buying him booze and pot.  

Trip to the West Coast

I need to reward myself for applying for all these jobs so I'm taking a trip to California, Washington, Oregon, Colorado, and Wyoming. I need to get out of Milwaukee to clear my head. I've been on the grind. My Life Unemployed will be on a 10 day hiatus. I'll see you in September!!!

Blog Round Up

So, in the end I may have lost $80 at the casino but I did go to the Brewer game for free and got $70 worth of free food. If you look at it that way I broke even. Let's be optimistic here.

My Life Unemployed #8

Life Unemployed #8

Jobs Jobs Jobs

I should really rename this blog from “The American Wet Dream” to the “The American Dry Dream”. Take a look around, jobs are drying out everywhere! 

 This is something a southern redneck would say,

“We are outsourcing good American Jobs to other countries. Why are they building all deez MACDONALDS overseas! That's takin away a great American Job and given it to an Eskimo. We need dem MACDONALDS in the US of A. We ain't got enuff of dem McCheesburgers in the Confederate States. I tell you what... they ought to build a McDonald's right in my kitchen.”

Actually, there are a plenty of jobs out there. There are too many jobs out there. I've probably looked at hundreds upon hundreds of jobs. I have observed that in order to get a job, you need to be really unqualified, have no skills, and no pride to get a crap job. Or be really qualified, have skills, and talent to get a job no one else is qualified for. That's my mission statement.

Jobs Applied for Since August 15th: 0

I have taking a hiatus of applying for jobs the last couple of days. I felt like I was spending too much time applying for jobs and not enough time with my family. Let's get serious here. My Step family has been really complaining that they have seen less of me since I've been unemployed. Don't let life pass you by without spending times with your loved ones. Actually, I just made all the sh*t up but that's what you see in the movies. The husband spends too much time at work and not enough time with the family. In reality, it was my grandma's 90^th Birthday. She has an IPhone, plays Words With Friends, and texts messages. She is slowly becoming a teenager. Also, it is my gf's 30^th birthday. Sorry, to all my women readers, I'm taken. I've been preoccupied spending money for their birthday gifts and celebrations. I'm really scared to look at my bank account now.

Interview Prep #2

I have an interview for a job at Interfaith Senior Programs today. I'm debating on whether I should wear my Looney Tunes tie? I think it would be a great Ice Breaker!  "Hey.. nice tie.. I love Bugs Bunny" or they would tell me, “Get outta my office.. YOU make a mockery of this interview”. In actuality I'm dressing as a waiter you would see at a nice restaurant. I'm wearing black pants and a white collard shirt that I haven't washed after two open bar weddings this summer. The neck is a little yellow from sweat but It doesn't smell like booze anymore. Don't worry I should be good. I've put in about 3 hours of interview prep for a job I don't really want. It's all about interview experience. Sky is the limit, If I can be comfortable in awkward situations.  

My Life Unemployed #7

My Life Unemployed # 7

Tuesday August 11

Today, I got up extra early since I didn't apply for any jobs yesterday. I got up in the wee morning of 8am. For most of you, that is not early, that is actually sleeping in. For me however it's quite the opposite, it's quite late. You try getting up at 8am when you know you have nothing to do for the rest of the day. It's not that easy! Live a day in my shoes and you will be unpleasantly surprised. Why wake up early when you don't have to do sh*t for the rest of the day?

Jobs Applied for

University of Wisconsin Milwaukee -Student Services Coordinator

For this particular job I would be working in the Admissions Office. I would be supervising staff, reviewing admission applications, and processing applications. I found this interesting because I would have a say in who the university would be admitting into their college. I would have the power to access or deny a person's future! I have no idea what I'm doing with my future but if I got this job I would really crush someones dreams! Muhahahaha (evil sinister laugh)... I'm letting this go to my head way too much.

I love how jobs have a disclaimer after you send your resume in saying, “Please no phone calls. We will contact you for an interview”. I love when they do this because I don't have to make that insecure call in where I speak nervously and stutter, “I..I..I.. was checking on the status of my my my app app application... hav hav have you made your de de decision yet yet yet?” I would like to avoid that particular phone call. I guess I'm hoping that I'm unqualified for a position so I don't have to talk to HR.

Bingo At the Casino

Went to play Bingo with my Grandma at the Casino. This is what unemployed old people do. They play Bingo. Bingo players are one of the fiercest groups out there. I would not f*ck with them by any means. They have a dauber pack which holds there daubers, trolls, and other miscellaneous items that old people bring. Old people are ruthless wrinkled savages! They'll let you know too. They will “shoosh” you, they will yell, and they will complain! I'm scared to go back to play Bingo. It's a rough crowd over there. Skip that.

Free Movie

Hey, when don't have a lot of money to spend you need to find free entertainment. Entertainment costs money. Fortunately, I got a free sneak peak to see the movie Kick Ass 2. Got to love a free violent movie in where a 15 year old girl goes on a killing spree!

My Life Unemployed # 6

My Life Unemployed # 6

Today I had a interview, didn't apply for jobs, and realized interviews are a load of dog poop.

Interview Update at the YMCA

  I knew the guy hiring me, so it was a little awkward answering questions as if he didn't know me. He started off with the cliché interview question, “So tell me about yourself”. I thought in my head... really... I know you. I had to get in the mind frame of not knowing him. I put on my serious face and went through with it. I answered all the questions as if I didn't know him. At one point he asked the question, “what would your super hero power be and why?”.  I answered, “invincibility” because I believe it's the best super hero power ever. How do you lose a fight to a super villain if your invincible? I failed this question ultimately, because I answered it in a literal sense, as if I was a real super hero fighting real villains. Godd@mnt, I must've sounded like an idiot.

  Since, I really don't know how to iron clothes, my khakis and polo were a little wrinkled but it wasn't like I was interviewing to be the CEO. I applied to be a Wellness Center Attendant. I feel like an “Attendant” demeans the job even more. Anytime someone is an "attendant", you know they don't have a lot of responsibilities, they are just “attending” to things. My goals should be higher, but this is the only interview offer I've had. Beggars can't be choosers or else beggars will become beggars (literally).

Jobs Applied for

Today, I didn't apply for sh*t.  I didn't even look at any employment websites. I was too busy preparing for my 12:00pm interview. I didn't have to time to look for jobs because I had more important things to do like write this blog and go disc golfing. Way to prioritize my life me! I also had my last class of Judo in which I've learned how to fall the “correct way”.  This class was 8 weeks long and we spent half of the class falling down.  I thought this would help me with discipline but in reality it has helped me do nothing but fall on my @ss and get right back up.  So, in theory, I guess I did learn something, "if you fall down get right back up".  

Life Observations

Interviewing is all Bullsh*t!   Meaning if you can out bullsh*t your interviewer then you got yourself a job. I'm too honest to be a bullsh*tter thats why I suck at them. Prepping for a interview is like preparing for an acting gig. You have to remember all your lines, show enthusiasm, and give your best presentation on why they should pick you. Being a good interviewer is being a great actor such as Rob Schneider, Dax Shephard, or Vin Diesel (those are all time greats). To obtain a high demand job, you need to lie on your resume, lie during your interview, and then lie some more. Lie Lie Lie!!!!!! I guess it's good to teach your kids to lie, they'll grow up and lie there way to successful jobs. Not me, I'm going the honest unemployed route.