Bloggy Smloggy 58

Holler at this blog....

I'm Mad and McDonalds is to Blame

I'm bitter. I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe... I should wake up on the other side of the bed. Maybe.. I'll start the day off right then. I was very angry at the cars in front of me turning into McDonald's. I started wishing death upon them. “Yeah, turn into McDonalds. I hope you die from eating a cheeseburger. I hope you all die from eating that crap” in very sinister like voice that was as loud a whisper. Real pissed off people don't yell (they whisper there dark thoughts). Not that I really care what people put into their bodies. But it was just sickening watching all these people scurry into McDonald's to get there “feed” or “mush” like a bunch of cattle. If you eat at McDonald's, I'm going to call you cattle. Because that's what you do. You graze the land like cows and then stuff your f*cking mouths with sh*t.

I pass tons of McDonald's a day and see the same results. People just swerving there way into the drive thru. People by the masses just flocking to get their happy meal. There's nothing happy about that meal. You get a few fries, a squishy burger, and small soda. Oh yeah, you get a toy that is made from a cheap plastic mold. I wonder what would happen if I took a bazooka and threw grenades and destroyed half of the McDonald's out there. There would be an outrage, riot, chaos, I tell you. I have no respect if you eat this crap (that's not saying a lot because I don't have respect for myself).

Also, if you eat at McDonald's, stop complaining that the burger you buy for $1 doesn't look like the commercial. You get what you f*cking pay for! You want a good burger, go to the store, buy one, and learn how to make one you talentless f*ck! People always complain that this doesn't look like it on the commercial. Well, maybe it's because they have Corky from Life Goes On making your burger. Do you think the high school kids who work there give a f*ck about your Big Mac?

I think employees there try to make the sh*ttiest food out there to see if you (the consumer) will still come and buy it. The joke is on you! How many times have you got soggy fries, the pickle on top of your cheeseburger, or a shake that looks like someone took a sh*t in it? Probably 90% of the time. Yet, you still go there like the f*cking cattle you are. Cattle doesn't give a sh*t what there snack wrap looks like, as long as it's good. Go f*ck yourself. Actually, go f*ck yourself on a mound of Big Macs and 49 cents cones. F*ck that 49 cent cone! Go buy some milk and freeze it!

Entreprenuer Move of the Week

I'm probably the worst salesman out there. But I'll never turn down the chance to make a quick buck. It started when I went disc golfing a few weeks back with no discs. So, I scoured the course looking for discs and happily found 6 discs. Hmmm... cha ching!!! I could turn these discs into profits! And I did! I went to the local Play it Again Sports to make a deal. I brought 4 discs in and he offered me $2 a piece. Bada bing bada bo. I just made $8 while you read this article. Get at me. I make deals. Now, I have $8 to go drinking with.

Poop Water

I just made a revelation, we drink the water we poop in. Theoretically, the toilet water that you defecate in, is the same water you will eventually drink.

I Need To Get A Life

I spent an hour looking for a Hall & Oates cover band to play at my wedding and I'm not engaged (and I don't know if I even play to get married). There only a few Hall & Oates cover bands out there but I think “The Maneaters” from Atlanta, Georgia will do just fine.

Stuff I Should I Tweet

I want a tandem bicycle and ride it by myself. If that doesn't scream despair, loneliness, or loser then I don't know what does.

I was at a bar for an NCAA tournament match. I ordered 2 waters and tipped the bar tender $1. You know your ballin' when you tip $1 for free water.

Don't go to a Dinner and Bring these (Yet bring them to a Potluck, Going Away Party, Retirement Party, or Tailgate)

Store Bought Shrimp Circle w/ Cocktail Sauce in the middle

Store Bought 7 Layer Taco Dip

Store Bought Cookies

Store Bought Cheese & Sausage Tray

Food I wish I Ate Still (College Food)...

Pizza Rolls, Mozzorella Sticks, Ramen Noodles, Spaghett0's, Canned Ravoli, Frozen Burritos, Fish Sticks, Taquitos, Bagel Bites, Hamburger Helper, Rice A Roni, Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets, TGIF Spinach & Artichoke Dip, Jalopeno Poppers.

Those were the F'in days. Pop it in the microwave and you got yourself a meal.  

Bloggy Smloggy 57

Intro/ “Zoo Tits Louisville”

I don't judge people. Well, I try my hardest to not judge. But I really want to know who typed in these words on google “zoo tits louisville” to find my blog. I hope your still reading if you did. That is a very creative way to find this blog. I typed in “zoo tits louisville” to see if I could find it myself. After searching 11 pages on google I gave up. But I did find these sites, articles, and blurbs while searching “zoo tits louisville”.

Here are some my favorite headlines when I searched “zoo tits louisville”

“Louisville big tits to slap while I blow you”

“Super Bowl Party: The Queer Petting Zoo for Insecure, Inept Straight Girls”

“Canadian zoo to split up a gay penguin couple, hopes to improve breeding”

“It's Amazing She Survived This Cervix Bashing”

It just gets grosser and sicker. Type in 3 random words and you'll get stuff you didn't know existed. I mean people are creative but creatively sick. In conclusion, there is actually a zoo in Louiville. However, I didn't find any “zoo tits”.

Harley Davidson

We live in Milwaukee. Home of the Brewers! Home of the Bucks! Home of Harley! Harley gets too much credit. Skip Harley. I'm going to start calling Harley motorcycles, Davidsons. Davidson gets no respect. If I ever get a motorcycle, I'm going to call my Harley a Davidson.

Girls in Yoga Pants

I spent too much time on girlsinyogapants.com. Literally, I went through the first 40 pages. Each page has an average of 3 butt pics. I just looked at 120 booties in about 30 minutes. I think I might submit a photo. Obviously, you have to be a girl but I think if we take a picture at the right angle, I'll have my booty posted on there in no time.

FakeSpeare

It's my new voice in which I talk like someone from the medieval ages. With a shakespeare like voice I roughly call people “common street whores who shall be treated like that of a undomesticated hound”.

Like Handles

It's the pre stage to love handles. Love handles according to wikipedia is “abdominal obesity”. Like handles are the pre cursor to love handles. There just “little guys”.

Pectoral Votes

A very strong man's say in making the final decision in the group. For example, he has the final say on where to eat or go out because he is the strongest one there (he is alpha male). He gets the most pectoral votes.

Treasure Chest

This is where you put you condom wrappers in a shoebox under the bed. It's sex evidence for your friends who don't believe you are sexually active. So, just start a treasure chest (aka an old shoebox) and start making memories.

Shrimpcident

Don't eat 20 shrimps in one setting. Especially, shrimp you buy from Aldis that is $5.99. I've always defended seafood from cheap grocery stores because it all comes from the same ocean. You know???? How can you say one shrimp is better than the other shrimp if it's from the same body of water? So, I had a shrimpcident 20 minutes after eating these shrimps. Let's just say... I released those shrimp right back into the water. Let's just say I “blackened” those shrimp. Let's just say I diarrehea'd those shrimp out. Let's just say that....

F*ck Green Beer!!!

St. Patricks Day

March 17, 2012

-Pre gaming at Aaron's house by drinking a classic Irish favorite Mr. Boston's Rum. I figure a lot of Irish live in Boston, so why not get a rum with the name Boston in it. It only makes sense.

-Taking the city bus for free downtown and making friends with a guy named “Joakim”. He was in his 40s, bald head, and had a braided goatee. He told us he was going to “hang out” or “follow us” the whole night because he thought we were cool or he wanted to rob us. Joakim came with us to Trinity. “We” aka Aaron and his brother bought him a beer. Within an hour Joakim was asking us for money. Aaron gave him $2. I think I stroked his braided goatee throughout the night. I tried to out creep the creep. I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into. He also asked others for money throughout the night. This is when we needed to let go of “Joakim”.We also ate gum that we found on the ground in the beer tent. It was packaged gum. Joakim, of course, ate the gum first. Then we followed to eat the gum. I knew Joakim would come in handy. We left the bar and quickly evaded “Joakim”. I often checked my pants pocket when Joakim was near me.

-Spraining my ankle because I didn't see a curb. It hurt through my drunken body, so that means it was bad real bad. However, I had the strength to walk to Dicks (½ mile way from water street). We made it to Dicks. Apparently, I had the strength to dance the night away. I only danced with one foot because the other foot was throbbing. I also used Aaron as a “crutch”. Humans make good crutches.

-After bar, outside of Dicks, trying to ask random people to take us to Potowatomi to gamble. To no avail. We didn't want to pay a taxi. Fortunatly, our guy came through and got us there.

-Renting a wheelchair at coatcheck at Pototwatomi. I guess all you have to do is give them your credit card and it's free. So, aaron pushed me around the casino to find open Blackjack tables. We both lost about $100 at the first table. The only right thing to do was to get more money from the atm. We found a new blackjack table and played that one until 6:30am. I ended up winning $50 and he lost $80.

-Took a van taxi home at 6:30am from the casino. He told us to hop in, “I'm a soccer mom”. He had been working since 10pm last night. We talked to the driver about how he goes to strip clubs and pays for sex. I asked him how much and he said, “its negoitable”. He said you have to go the black strip clubs though. We told him, we are buttts more that boobs. He was surprised and said, “you guys are white, you guys are supposed to like big titties” in a thick Indian accent.  

2'ssssssss...............

Bloggy Smloggy 56

Intro

I wrote this blog 2 weeks ago, even though times and technology are moving at a rapid rate, I feel like this blog is still relevant in today's bustling society.  Gas is high, demands are high, and I wish I was high.  Let's get in this.  Let cut right into this meaty blog and so you can enjoy your cut.  Straight from the butcher himself.  An All Milwaukee diet so he can sh*t out all Milwaukee gibberish!!

Religious Porn

I want to get in the porn business. My first porn is going to take the industry by storm. It's going to be a pornography with Jesus. Yes, Jesus is going to be the starring role! The movie title will be called, THE RESERECTION: THE 2ND CUMMING. If anyone wants to write this epic or be an actor/actress, give me a buzz at nakednudedude@gmail.com.

Veggie Pubes

If vegetables were human body parts, I believe alfalfa sprouts would be the pubes. Alfalfa sprouts look like green pubes. Don't they? Little green veggie pubes. A cucumber (penis), 2 green tomatoes (balls), and alfalfa sprouts (pubes). You got yourself vegetable porn artwork that some hipster will like.

A Story White People Would Laugh At

The Gas Story

I don't like making stops at the gas station because pumping gas costs money. I don't mind pumping the gas, pumping gas is fun. Paying for it on the other hand is no fun. I was leaving my gf's house early in the morning. Unfortunately, my fuel gauge was on empty and it has been on empty since the day before. So, gas was needed. I stopped at the closest gas station a few blocks down from her house. Simple, I would get gas there, end of story. But no, this gas station was full of customers trying to get gas. There were lines to get gas! I pulled behind one car thinking that they were going to get gas and go. But no... it was an older lady. She got out of her car and proceeded to go in the gas station to pay for it the old fashioned way. HELLOOO.... LADYYYYY..... IT'S A NEW MILLENIUM! GET A FRICKIN DEBIT/CREDIT CARD! I immediately put my car in reverse because I knew this lady was going to take her dandy time buying gas, werthers, and green mints. This was an older gas station, so it has one pump for each lane. I think they had 4 pumps total, come on!!!

I leave in anger and in hope, in hope that I make it to my house. I'm at least 10 miles from my home which I know of 3 gas stations by my house. I get on the freeway, praying and hoping that I make it to the gas station. The empty light is on. It's no ordinary red, yet it's fiery blood orange screaming at me to give me gas. I try the ol put in neutral and coast on the freeway then back to drive trick. I do this several times thinking I'm saving gas. I'm nervous because my phone is almost about to die and I'm a few miles between exits. The finished line is getting a little closer and I'm sensing a sense of relief.

Alas, I get to the BP and pull in. I'm confused because no one is getting gas. Hmmm.... oh yeah it must be that big oil tanker filling up the gas station. I guess that's why the tanker guy looked at me funny when I stopped for gas. Now I was in full panic mode but luckily there were 2 gas stations just down the road. So, I did my ol neutral to drive trick and made it. This gas station had no lines and no oil tanker. What could go wrong? I put my card in, it was accepted, and choose unleaded. Then I proceeded to pump but noticed it was going awfully slow. Hmm.. must be an older pump, after all this was a Kwik Fuel (you know one of “those” gas stations). So, it's moving very slow, and I mean at a snails pace. I mean its been 30 seconds and I'm up to 24 cents in gas. Finally, the clerk comes out and says, “yeah I'm out of gas.” Great, I'm thinking to myself. He points to the gas station across the street and says, “yeah that's my tanker, he'll come here after he's done there.” I reply, “how long will that be?” He says, “oh 45 mins”. So, I leave the gas station with 0.064 gallons of gas and receipt for 0.24 cents worth of gas.

I luckily make it home because I wasn't too far from my house. I putz around and go back to the gas station before work. The gas station is full of gas and I get to go to work. Yeahhh....

My Wonderful Weekend w/ Aaron

My trip to Saukville, Grafton, & Port Washington

Saturday March 3^rd, 2012

It all started with a text, “Hey you want to go to Grafton?”. I replied, “yes” no questions asked. I should've asked more questions, but I didn't and assumed. What I thought was going to be a chill night at a buddy's house in Grafton turned into a “county bar hop”. I wasn't planning on to drink because I've been slowly healing from the stomach flu, ulcer colitis, IBS, Montezuma's Revenge...you name it. I did fill a flask half way up, just in case I got the itch.

Here are some of the highlights and lowlights.

-Attending a Tiddlywinks Tournament at a bar in Saukville. This was the 12^th annual tournament benefiting the local Lions Club. Watching competitive adults of all ages compete for the winning prize of $175. I had no idea or concept of the game Tiddlywinks. It sounds like something straight people put in there butt to make them gay. I can see a bunch of gay converters putting these tiddly winks in straight peoples a$$'s to make them gay. I think that would make a epic gay horror movie! The Attack of the Tiddly Wink!

-Going to a house in Saukville watching sports in this married couples basement. The guy whose house we were at turned on his 40 inch HD screen TV, then went upstairs to watch the same game we were watching in his living room on this small tv. Awkard moment, when we went upstairs 10 minutes later and joined him in his living room.

-Going to a “dance club” in Port Washington which played hip hop songs from the last 10 years. There was a fog machine and neon lights. I'm pretty sure this was an underage bar. They even played one dub step song. My favorite person there was a guy with an oversized kobe bryant jersey that went down to his knees and a Lakers hat. He was as “thug” as a thug can get in Port Washington.

- Playing fooseball with a older couple who destroyed us. This guy was a wizard with the fooseball. He did things with this ball that I've never seen.

-Having ordered 3 sodas at 3 different bars and then mixing those sodas with my flask in the bathroom. This was the most “buzzed” fun I've ever had.

-Going to 24 hour Wal Mart at 2am to buy cheesesticks and a large supreme pizza. This was the latest I've ever been at a Wal Mart.

Pointer and the Middle Finger = Peace= Duece = Twos

Bloggy Smloggy 55 (The Net) Special Edition

I Describe a Movie I Just Watched In Detail

I'm doing something different for this blog. This blog is dedicated to the movie The Net. I've never seen this movie before. This movie is epic for many reasons. Below, I summarize the whole movie in 2 pages. Enjoy, my perception on the movie.

The Net (1995) Starring Sandra Bullock

     So, Sandra Bulluck plays a freelance computer analyst who has no friends. I mean seriously, she has no friends in this movie. She is a loser. The only person she knows is her mom and her mom has dementia (so her mom doesn't even know her). Her job is to fix glitches in computer games from home. So, once again she has co workers she hasn't even met. She is a homebody.

The story starts with her at home using the “net” to order pizza, chat online, and using the computer to emit an image of a fireplace. I mean this cute successful lady has no friends, no family except for her mom who can't remember sh*t, and one co worker who ends up dying in a plane crash.

The plot thickens when there is virus or computer glitch in one of the video games she has to fix. This virus allows the “bad guys” or “hackers” to get into everyone's identity and change it. The bad guys know Sandra Bullock is really smart and can help them. They also know she has the “disk” with the virus on it. The bad guys want this disk from her.

     So, Sandra goes on vacation to Mexico. Who does she go with? Herself, because she is a loser. The bad guy follows here to Mexico and they meet on the beach. She has no idea what's going on though (in other words she has no idea he is the bad guy). They order drinks and get to talking on the beach. They totally hit it off. So, the bad guy and her go to dinner later that night. They laugh, take a picture, and take a long walk on the beach. The bad guy pays off this Mexican guy to rob her while they are on the date. So, while they are walking on the beach this Mexican guy snatches her purse and runs off into the jungle. The bad guy follows him in. They both search the purse for the disk and find it. The bad guy then kills the Mexican and throws away the purse. But before he goes back to his date, he cuts his hand with a knife to act like he tried getting her purse back. She takes care of his hand by bandaging it. Then, they go for a boat ride. You can tell he wants to kill her but they start cuddling on the boat. Before you know it, they sleep together aka have sex on the boat. Sandra sleeps with the bad guy!! WTF??? He goes downstairs to make a drink and when he comes back up, he notices she found his gun. She just slept with a guy who is now going to kill her. She also confided to this guy that she has been in only 2 relationships. The last relationship ended because she slept with her shrink who was married. What's wrong with you Sandra? Sure know how to pick them....... not! So, he grabs the gun back from her and shoots at her but the gun is not loaded. So, he attacks her with his hands but Sandra burns him with a cigarette on his face and then knocks him unconsciene. She grabs his wallet and disk that's in the lower cabin of the boat. Then flees the boat on this little boat thats attached to the big boat. He arises from his concussion and jumps off the big boat on to the small boat. She gets the motor started after several tries. He is trying to climb in the dingy but she veers into the big boat and “thud” he falls off. She drives off frantically in this little dingy into what I thought was the middle of the ocean and hits a little rock island a couple hundred feet away. Maybe, you should've stopped Sandra or turned???? Dumb Hoe!! The next scene of her is in a Mexican hospital run by nuns. She was found by a fisherman near the shore. Oddly enough, the Mexican doctor is smoking. Not sure why they put that in the storyline.

     She gets back to the resort she was staying at and tries to get her room key so she can get her stuff and go back to america. But the resort says she already checked out. She has to go to embassy to get a temporary id card. Here she realizes her identity is stolen. The bad guy has stolen her identity. She is no longer Angela Bassett. Her new identity is Judy Marx I think. So, she gets her new identity but is very confused. When she arrives back home to San Francisco, her car is not at the airport where she parked it. Even worse, her house is for sale when she gets back home. The bad guy is waiting outside her house to try to get her. The cops are at the house to because she is creating a fuss. They take her temporary id which is Judy still and run her id to see if she has any records. The bad guy knows this and inputs things on her record like that she is wanted for prostitution and robbery. So the cops try to arrest but she escapes.

     It's funny because no one knows her except her doctor. Her doctor who is played by Dennis Miller helps her out. He takes her to a motel and he is expecting to do her. She is frantic saying people want to kill her and all Dennis Miller does is crack jokes and talk about doing her. So the bad guys know that Dennis Miller is trying to help her and they end up killing him by giving him penicillin which he is allergic too. The bad guy gets into the hospital and changes his IV bag. This bad guy is unstoppable. Sandra Bullock goes to the hospital and sees that dennis miller died which is the only person that knows her. She is pissed and breaks a computer then runs out and takes Dennis Miller's car.

     In essence, she steals a dead man's car. The car is reported stolen and they have a high speed pursuit. Sandra crashes the car in a valley down by a river. She runs out and the cops give chase. They finally catch her and throw in her jail. Sandra is in jail for a day and tries to tell her attorney that people are changing her identity. She sounds bat sh*t crazy. She calls her mom to have her identify her, but her mom can't, because her mom doesn't remember sh*t. But low and behold she is bailed out of jail by dennis miller's fbi friend. He bails her out and they talk but soon realize that this guy works for the bad guy. She takes the wheel and makes the car crash. The car crash happens right in front of the bad guy which leads to another chase. She so happens to run to a raising bridge while he gets stuck on the other side. So she books another hotel. Not sure where she is getting this money but she sees on the news that she is wanted for murder now. Now there is a bad girl to go with the bad guy. The bad girl is the one that took her identity. She is acting as Angela Bennett. She is the one that took her job at this computer place. She is the real Judy Marx. So, Sandra Bullock finds out where she works and goes there so she can hack into the computer because she need's the bad girl's computer to fix the problem. So she sneaks into the corporate office of the computer place and finds out who stole her identity. She then makes the fire alarm go off and people have to leave the building. This is when Sandra Bullock goes to the bad girl's computer and finds out all of the bad information and who is behind all the hacking. It's this super bad guy named Jeff Gregg who is a millionare who made a computer anti virus program. But the program is not an anti virus program it actually is a hacking program. Nobody knows this but sandra bullock and the bad guys. So she gets all that information on a disk and then leaves the computer before the bad girl comes back to her desk. The bad girl knows this so once again they chase her. Ironically, when they chase her out of the building down the street, sandra finds a computer convention going on. How convienent that there is a computer convention going on? So, she goes to a computer with the disk with all the information on it and emails the FBI with this information. The bad guy sees her doing this and another chase begins. The bad guy ends up killing the bad girl thinking it was Sandra Bullock. How dumb is this bad guy? I know right? So, they are some catwalk of a building and sandra ends up killing him with a fire extinguisher. The next day she moves into her house with her mother. Her mother is apparently her gardener now because she is seen garderning. Her mother still doesn't know who the hell she is though. So, the 2 people she knew in this movie besides her mother were killed by the bad guy. Sandra Bullock has no friends in this movie. Her only “friends” were her doctor and the co worker that she only talked to on the phone but never met in real life.

Conclusion

Get a life Sandra Bullock. Now I know why Jesse James cheated on you.

Bloggy Smloggy 54

I'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk............. I got got a lot of sh*t in my head that I need to dump out.  Here are my thoughts do what you will with them.  Thanks for the therapy.  It's good to get this sh*t off my chest.  Why does the word sh*t mean your thoughts or feelings?  Like that phrase, "there's some sh*t I really need to get off my chest".  Is that a phrase?  Or did I completely butcher it?  Well, anyways no one should be taking a sh*t on anyone's chest.  With that being said, "lets get that "sh*t off my chest".

Random Acts of Slimeness

Snow White

Snorted a line of actual snow for $20. Since then, I've been blowing blood out of my nose for the last 5 days. Lesson learned, don't do snow do cocaine instead.

Fartacus

An overly aggressive farter (origin comes from the famous gladiator Spartacus)

Urethra Franklin

The name I give my urethra.

Butt Vortex

A dancing/grinding session with a girl. It's when you wedge your penis in between a girl's butt cheeks while dancing to hip hop songs at a swanky bar.

Bun length wiener

I actually saw the words “bun length wiener” on a hot dog package at the grocery store. A bun length wiener goes good when your in a butt vortex.

Inch Up

A sexual term when a girl tells you to get hard. “Inch up and put it it me”, said the whore.

Head & Shoulders

I got ribbed by a high school kid because I made fun of him during a game of dodgeball. He said to his buddies, “I know Head & Shoulders ain't trying to rib”. I don't understand how that is a rib? He called me a shampoo product. Not a generic brand of shampoo but a name brand. How is that a diss? I don't understand these kids these days.

Pinked Out

When you do a girl and don't remember. It's like when someone drinks a lot and blacks out. Well, pinking out is when your blacked out but your in the pink (her vagina), thus a pink out.

Brown the Meat

I like taco seasoning directions for making ground beef. It always says, “Brown the meat and drain the juices”. That phrase is sexual innuendo at it's best. Let's say it again slowly, “Brown the meat and the drain the juices”. “I totally browned my meat last night then drained the juices”. Definitely, a term that people use for the backdoor.

Poopington Bear

You know Paddington Bear had a brother that know ever knew about. He was called Poopington Bear but never made it to the shelves.

Plunge

Is my new term for doing a chick. “Yeah, I totally took my plunger to her”. “I plunged the sh*t out of her”. “Yeah, we plunged”.

My Wonderful Weekend

Trip to Mexico

February 22-26^th, 2012

I went Puerto Vallarta for a destination wedding. Blah blah I'm sure you really care. Let's go over a quick recap.

-The day before we left, I had a burrito at Chipolte. The next morning I ate a breakfast burrito at Alterra. Who gets burritos before they go to Mexico?

-Our flight left at 5:50am in the morning. I was surprised at all the happy white people that early in the morning. White people, why are you smiling at 5:00am? No one should be this happy, I don't care if your going to Paradise.

-Took a “airport dump”. Three people tried coming into my stall even though it was locked. Come on, man!

-I did not pack sunscreen and tried defying the “Mexican sun”. The sun in Mexico is different from Wisconsin Sun, I have the sun burns to prove it.

-The resort we stayed at was all inclusive, meaning all you can eat and drink, thus meaning all you can poop.

-I ate 20 tacos, so I averaged 5 tacos a day.

-I took 10 poops, so I averaged 2 poops a day.

-They had a French restaurant, Asian restaurant, and “Steakhouse” at our resort, free to eat if you make reservations. The French restaurant served us a fried wonton as an appetizer, the Asian restaurant served everything fried, and the Steakhouse gave us soggy onion rings. Note to self, If you go to Mexico, stick to the tacos.

-I ate bacon everyday for breakfast.

-I saw too many many Wisconsinites wearing Packers t shirts at the resort. Ok, great.. your supporting your team, but it's February, the Packers don't play until September. Plus, I'm trying to get away from you f*cks!

-The Wedding was fun. I did cinco shots in a row.

-I peed in the swimming pool twice while we were playing water volleyball. I thought the water was going to turn blue like in the movie “Grown Ups”.

Conclusion/Montezuma or Milwaukee's Revenge?

I definitely got what they call “Montezuma's Revenge” or travelers diarrhea. Or did I get “Milwaukee's Revenge”. I wholeheartedly believe the country of Mexico has a better diet than Wisconsin. Yes, I know bold statement. Brats, Cheese, Beer vs. Tacos, Fruit, Fish. I digress. I've literally took 30 plus sh*ts from Monday February 26^th through Thursday March 1^st. How could this be?

Was it the bacteria in the water in Mexico? No, I drank bottled water and the water at the hotel was filtered.

Was it the fruit? No, because most fruit we get is from different countries anyways.

Was it the medium rare hamburger I got from a Colorado airport on the way back? Maybe.

Was it the Chili I made on monday with all the ingredients from Aldis? Maybe.

So, let's not be so quick to fault Montezuma for this mess. I blame Milwaukee. Once again you f*cked me over Milwaukee. I'll see you in court, Milwaukee.

Bloggy Smloggy 53

Intro: Valentines vs. Black History Month

Well, its February, so that means two things: Valentines Day & Black History Month. I feel like Valentines, even though being one day, overshadows Black History Month. You know?? The stores are flooded with red and pink décor trying to sell you Valentines. There are people outside selling roses. There are songs made about Valentines Day. The Internet, media, and news flood you with Valentines Day stuff. People always ask you, “hey, what do you have planned for Valentines Day?” But no one ever asks you, “hey what are you doing for Black History Month?” Look within yourselves and do some soul searching. Do something for Black History Month. If your white make a black friend. I don't know do something. It's a touchy subject and most people don't want to touch it , but I'm going to touch it. Wow, I just wrote my first controversial piece. I'm a true journalist now.

Women's Mags: Read'em Up Dickheads!

I'm starting to read women's magazines like Women's Health and Shape. It's like a secret stash of hot women bodies and great tips on how to keep a firm butt. They also have interesting articles on sex, health, and overall well being. Just because your guy doesn't mean you can't read these. I think it would benefit all men to read these. Get to know your partner, your sister, and your mother a little more. Get to know what hormones are going through their body. Also, a great place to get a quick rub down. Kill 2 birds with one stone.

The Beard Experiment

For those who know me, you know I have been growing a beard since late November 2011. So, roughly I've been growing my beard for 3 months. I always wanted to see how long I can grow it. For those who don't know me, now you know I've been growing a beard. I've been called a lot of names since I've been growing a beard. I wanted to share some of those names with you. The most popular name I've been called is Jesus. Also, I haven't cut my hair since May 2011. I've been called a Terrorist/ Uni Bomber. People will say, “I hope your not flying anywhere”. I've been called Grizzly Adams, a famous outdoors men. I've even been called Santa Clause. I'm 29 years old, I don't look like no Santa Claus. I've been called homeless and even ugly. It's sad to say but the beard experiment is coming to an end. I can not take the mental beatings on a daily basis. I will free myself from ridicule. The new me begins next week.

Days of the Week

Here is my weekly schedule. Every day has a theme. This is my weekly routine.

Monday- Steam Room/Sauna Day. I go here to detox the weekend.

Tuesday- Basketball Night. My 1 day of cardio.

Wednesday- Hot Tub/Whirlpool Day for heat therapy of my achy joints.

Thursday- Wild Card Day. This day doesn't have a specific activity yet.

Friday-Chill Night/High School Night. Do a sober activity because I work early Saturday.

Saturday-Go out Night (Get Drunk). I go out once a week and this is the night I do it.

Sunday- Grandma Day. Hang out with grandma, be hungover, and watch TV all day.

Now, your probably wondering what about poop and masturbate day. Well, those are everyday.

I'm in the “Industry” Now

My Debut Night Doing Coat check at Dicks

February 11, 2012

I made it, I finally made it! I got called up to the big leagues, playing ball with the big dogs. It was my time to shine. It was like I just auditioned for American Idol and they told me I was going to LA. It's the feeling every musician gets when they win a Grammy. It's the feeling you get after your first hand job, and you just want to scream and tell the world.

Tonight, was my ticket into the “industry”. The “industry” is what people in the bar/club business call their job. It's a cool way of saying your work at a bar, club, or lounge. However, according to wikipedia, “industry” refers to the production of an economic good or service within an economy. With all that being said, I work in the “industry. Yes, I want to sound cool.

Tonight, I was doing coat check at Dicks (Pizza & Pleasure Zone). Dicks, is the club I've been kicked out of twice Not only have I been kicked out twice, but pooped at twice or club dumped. With that past “work” experience at Dicks, I was sure to make a good coat checker. Tonight, I had to prove myself worthy and hold myself to the high standards of the “industry”.

The night started off a little slow as it was 6 degrees outside. Of course, that meant it was cold, meaning that people would have jackets, meaning people would check there coats, meaning I would get more $$$$. Coat check is $2 per coat, I get $1 and the 'house' gets $1. By 11:00pm I was up to $4! Can you believe it $4? I made a sign that read, “Tip, if you like my beard”. I've been growing my beard for 3 months now, so it's pretty long. The sign was working, as a few ladies tipped me and then stroked my beard. The fellas tipped me too but they didn't stroke my beard. But I wasn't opposed to them stroking my beard. “Hey! If you tip it, you can stroke it”, that's what I always say. One group wanted my shirt which read “I Love Dicks”. At one point, they tried taking it off me. One drunk birthday girl, tipped me $20. And another guy tipped me $5. This guy kept saying, “my man... my man!!!” I put on his coat like a man helps a woman put on his coat. Then we hugged it out. This guy was awesome. I like this guy. Another instance I saw, was watching this one girl slap another girl's titties. These were no ordinary tots, these were on some Lane Bryant plus size sh*t. Titties in orbit.

Overall, I made some good money and had a good time. But, more importantly, I was a somebody now. I was in the “industry”. People don't understand the grind of working in the “industry”. No, I'm not talking about water street, north ave, or brady street. I'm talking about Milwaukee St where Milwaukee's premier crowd mingles. No longer was I the guy waiting in the line, trying to get in the club, saying I was on the “list” when I really wasn't on the list. I was the guy checking coats. Making sure people had their coats. I played a very integral part of a typical high octane club night in the industry. It's very low brow to put your coat in the corner of the club and not pay the coat check $2. Have some honor, integrity, pride,and check your coat with me. You ain't got no swagger with your jacket in the club. Don't put a dagger in your swagger! Come on now! Call me Swagger Vance!

Stuff I bought with the $ I made Coat Checking

$20 worth of gas

$27 oil change

$5 of Kombucha Tea

$10 at Pizza Shuttle

$15 worth of food at Aldis

Have a great day America!!!!!!!!!!!

Twos............

Bloggy Smloggy 52

Hi................

The Endless Wipe & The Neverending Turd

(read this fast) It happens to the best of us, the endless wipe, when you pushed a good stool out and you think you've got it all out, so your ready to wipe but the wiping never stops, because there is poop stains on your tissue paper, so you have to get up off the toilet seat to increase the chances of the last turd to come out because if you keep wiping with a turd in you, you are basically wiping poop out of your butt, but there is no possible way to just wipe that turd out of you butthole, you have to poop it out, every knows that, but if you did try to wipe the turd out, it would probably take hours and a 12 pack of 2 ply toilet paper and you would clog the toilet or you could flush the toilet 15 times but then you water bill would be high for that month, that's why just save that turd for your next poop, it's already in the chamber, he's ready to go when you poop the next hour anyway, he'll just hang out near your anal cavity, I had to make this sentence a run on so you would get my point, I just put a comma where I felt like it.

Tit Time

A great time for watching titties!

Ugly Couples

You ever see a ugly couple and they just grow uglier together. That's pretty amusing. You know what's more amusing. Watching a hot couple get uglier. That makes me happy inside.

Taxi Dick

Taxi Dick. When a girl is in a taxi and she picks up a guy at a certain destination after a late night of drinking. She is 'horned' up and wants some dick. So, after she leaves the club/bar, she goes to wherever that guy is and picks him up in the taxi. She then pays for the taxi, they go upstairs, and sleep with each other. That is a taxi dick or taxi dicking.

Flatline

I call people who are unresponsive to my conversation, flatline. This is a pun on the medical term, flatline, when people die, and the heartbeats flatlines. Hence, it works for those who are ADD, hard of hearing, or just meatheads who talk and walk like caveman. There unresponsive to anything you say, thus they are flatline.

Dew (Do) Point

Before you do a girl, you always got to check her dew point. You know, you have to make sure there is enough “moist”ure in her “atmosphere” before you put on your “umbrella”. A good meteorologist checks the “dew”point before they go outside. Get it... her do point.

Just Another Day in My Mundane Life

I was unknowing the “driver” in a drug deal until I was in the drug deal. Here is how it went down. My buddy and I were on our way out for the evening. He told me we had to stop at CVS to pick up a dude. On the way there he showed me some drugs and said this is what I'm selling. “Great!”, I'm thinking, this guy has got a “felony” is his pocket and I'm the getaway driver. We get to our destination and the guy is standing outside CVS (which is kind of ironic because it's a pharmacy). I wave like a small child at this guy I do not know and say “it's me, hop in”. So, we do a “lap”. A lap in the drug dealing language is when the “deal” or “exchange” happens. The guy who I picked up checked the “stuff” out and then gave my friend the money. The deal was done. As I was driving, I saw a hot chick, so I beeped to get her attention. We all laughed because a “deal” was going down, and here I was beeping at chicks. Then two blocks later we see another chick and I beep again because she looked hot. Another mishap by a beginner “driver”. However, the deal went down with no screw ups and we dropped the dude off. The lap was completed.

My Wonderful Weekend

Brewery Open House, Beer School, & Club Dumps

Saturday February 4^th, 2012

How do club dumps come about it? I'll tell you, thank you for inquiring. Club dumps start by going to a brewery tour. I recommend Milwaukee Brewing Co. (better than Lakefront Brewery). For $7 you get a tour and unlimited sampling of beers. This a great place for local craft beer. They also have a great staff. Any who, we got there too late for the tour but they let us stay and drink beers for 45 minutes for $5. They gave us an “open house” deal and we got to sample as many craft beers as possible. Do you like how I say “craft beers”? I sound like a beer snob. We down to about 5-6 beers before they close. Mind you, we arrived at 6:15 and drank to 7:00pm. Money will spent as we were “buzzing” like jeopardy, I'll take Drunk Contemporary Americans for 500, Alex.

Then it was off to some friends for more craft beers. In other words, we had another edition of Twat's famous Beer School. We got into some home brew, limited edition, special edition, new edition, expensive, rare, and other micros. As you can see, I was preparing for a large club dump. It didn't stop there, we enjoyed homemade sliders and frozen pizza. I fell in love with a homemade BBQ sauce that a friend made. I put the sauce on everything, even the Mediterranean pizza. BBQ sauce on pizza that has goat cheese, spinach, and other “greek” spices, why not?

It was off to Red Room, a local little DJ spot on the east side. A quaint and cute place for hipsters. I enjoy the dark décor and simplicity. I would go again. There we danced up a small storm, trying to get in some cardio to burn calories. No drink purchase here, just enjoying the moment. Then it was of to Dicks (the hottest club in Milwaukee).

It must've been the calm before the storm because I was feeling great. We now were at Dicks enjoying ourselves bumping into old friends. We pleasured our mouths with a round of shots, not just any shots, but Rumplemintz. Yumm, pure liquid mint. This shot I believe activated the club dump. There was no more food or liquids I could put in my stomach. There was no room left, my body could not hold it anymore. Rumplemintz attacked my body and unleashed the gates.

I made a quick dash to the bathroom, right pass club goers, coat check, and those who enjoyed there late night snacks. The bathroom, to my amazement was open. I locked it (or at least I thought I did) and “boom boom pow” I dropped a “eww nasty”. It was a few minutes before a couple people opened the door. Hmmm, I guess the lock doesn't work. However, I didn't care, I wasn't embarrassed. I just sat there with my elbows on my knees and head down, just trying to get the “agony' out of me. A few wipes and I was outta there.

Just like that I was back in “club” mode and having a good time. But as I was making my way up to the 2^nd floor another strike of pain shot through my stomach. Oh no, could it happen again. Could it be another club dump? Yes, it was, I confirmed another club dump in the 2^nd floor of this establishment. How could it be? I just dumped on 2 floors in 1 bar. I'm the club dump champ! I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who has took a dump on the first and second floor at Dicks in 1 hour, one night, or ever.

I wish know one club dumps. Dumping in the club is not the best atmosphere for dropping an earthy stool.

Twos............