Bloggy Smloggy 63

Hi.....

Brownie Thunder

This was a blizzard flavor at Dairy Queen. It sounds like what I do after I eat a lot of beans. Beware of the “Brownie Thunder” that is upon us.

CT Scan

A CT Scan in the medical field is a “CAT scan” or computed tomography. In the pervert world a CT Scan, is a “camel toe” scan. It's when you survey your surroundings (bar, library, or grocery store) of some good camel toe. Get a “CT Scan” in, you never know what you might find.

Jackpot

People are always hitting the jackpot at a casino while playing slot machines. Well, I always hit the jackpot when I'm at home. A jackpot is a tea kettle in which a male “releases” himself in. Or a jackpot could be some real good pot you got from a guy named Jack. Or it could be when you get high and you “jack” yourself off. Jackpot has many different meanings. Was does jackpot mean to you?

F*ck Sprint I'm Mad at You

This is where I rant about sprint and swear a lot. I hate you Sprint. I hate you because I bought a new phone from you and the screen cracked 5 days later from being in my pocket. Phone screens don't just crack in your pocket. I went to Sprint and they said they couldn't do anything because I didn't buy the god*mn insurance. Even if I bought the god*amn insurance I still would have to pay for the god*mn phone. What's the point of a warranty on a new phone or new product? A warranty doesn't mean sh*t. A warranty doesn't cover sh*t. Have you ever read a warranty. The only thing a warranty does is.... let you take back the phone/product if you never used it. Oh wait, a receipt does that. So, once again a warranty doesn't do sh*t. F*ck off warranties!!!! Anyways, I bought a phone with a rebate so the phone would've have been free after the $50 rebate. I mailed the rebate in right away so I could get my $50 back for a phone that doesn't work. So, 4 weeks later I received a post card from Sprint saying “they can't process my rebate”. Seriously, you can't process my rebate because my phone needs to be activated for a 30 days!! You mail me a f*cking post card to tell me this! Post cards are meant for people on vacations, baby announcements, or save the dates. Yet, you give me a f*cking post card saying I'm not going to get my $50 rebate! Sh*t, I thought I was going to receive some good news because I was getting a post card!!! Nope.... not Sprint. Sprint brings you up to bring you down.

In conclusion, I bought a new phone for $50 that worked for 5 days and cracked which I'm unable to use. Warranty doesn't cover dick. So what I'm trying to say is, start a business and f*ck over your customers if you want to be successful in life. Die and rot in hell Mr. F*ckin Sprint!!! I should really write this letter to Sprint Corporate.

Milwaukee Brewers vs. Chicago Cubs Tailgate Highlights

Friday May, 2012

-Did a beer bong of Heineken.

-My French friend never did a beer bong. He attempted to do a beer bong of Coors Light. He failed miserably. He couldn't swallow the beer, it went on his shirt, and his eyes started tearing up.

-Played flip cup with Marquette Alumni. Drank a lot of their PBR. Thanks for the beer if your reading.

-Collected a half bag of aluminum cans so I can scrap for money. Asked random people for their cans throughout the parking lot. I even fished through garbage bags. I've hit an all time low.

-My flask got taken away from security as I entered the game. Probably a good thing.

-Stole a bag of peanuts.

-Drawing all over Aaron with a permanent pink sharpie..

-Not watching one single inning of the game.

-Leaving the game and arriving at my buddies house to watch the end of the game which lasted until the 13 inning.

Free Comedy at Potowatomi Casino

Saturday May 12, 2012

Went to see a free comedy show of amateur stand up comedians at Potowatomi. I love stand up comedy. I love free stand up comedy with no drink minimums. I ordered a $2 water because my mouth was very “dry” like “cotton”. Hint hint.

As we were entering the casino, we noticed an old man looking for his car. It was 9pm and he seemed very lost/confused. He muttered to me, “I can't find my car”. I said, “what kind of car do you drive?” He said, “A Hummer”. I laughed and then replied, “that's the biggest car in here... how can you not find a Hummer?”. He said, “I know”. I told him, “you must've had a good day in there”. He ended with “oh yeah”....

Seriously, the guy couldn't find where he parked his Hummer. Did that just happen or was I that high? No, that really happened.

There were only about 24 people who attended this comedy show, which is ok if your in a small dive bar. But this comedy show is at the Northern Lights Theater which seats hundreds of people. It must be awkward for a comedian to do a free show in where 24 people show up in a big theater. So, the first comedian notices I'm laughing and calling me Grizzly Adams because I have a massive beard. He references me all night saying “Grizzly Adams this Grizzly Adams that”. I enjoy it. Laughs were had by all.

Old Grandma Jokes

Here are some grandma jokes I made up but you have to say them in a “Stand Up Black Comedian Voice”.

My grandma is so old that she baby sat Adam and Eve!!!!

My grandma is so old that the apple that Adam and Eve ate was from her garden!!!!

My grandma is so old that had a pet Brontosaurus!!!

My grandma is so old that she was born on Pangaea!!!

My grandma is so old that she saw the Big Bang and thought it was 4^th of July!!!!

Twos.........

Bloggy Smloggy 62 (KY Derby)

Kentucky Derby Weekend

May 4 – May 7, 2012

Intro

I went to one of the greatest sporting events in the world.... the Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby is one race, and has been dubbed the “most exciting 2 minutes of action”, unless that is your having sex with me. Not quite though, it's not that exciting. The Kentucky Derby takes place in Louisville and draws many tourists. There was over 130,000 attendees at the derby and I was one of them. We got tickets to the “infield” for $40. However, I saw about 5 seconds of live horse racing, as you can see nothing from the infield. They had a few big screens, but those screens were just as good as a black and white analog Zenith television. Here are some highlights of the weekend.

6 Hour Road Trip to Louisville

Friday May 4, 2012

-I only had 1 boner on the boner count. Lowest boner count in road trip history when I started counting my boners in 2003 via Spring Break North Myrtle Beach.

-Ate 3 bananas.

-My buddy Lamar had Wendy's and McDonald's. He also bag which included 3 oatmeal pies, hot chips, jolly rancher chews, 2 Snapple's, and flaming hots which he called his “black man survival kit”.

4^th Street Live

Friday Night May 4, 2012

-Pre gamed by drinking Kentucky Gentleman whiskey. When I bought it, I asked the cashier if this is good whiskey, he gave me a look and shook his head no. I bought it anyways.

-I had 7 homemade pork tacos for dinner.

-Had to run to the bars because of thunder, lightning, and pouring rain. Stopped at a PNC ATM terminal and took pictures with random folks

-Snuck into a club that had a $20 cover through their patio. Picked up a random drink that was sitting on the table to make it look like I was in the club already.

-Ordered one cola the whole night because I snuck in a flask. I mixed the drink right by the bar.

-Got a dude's number from Chicago because he liked me a lot. I took his his hat and started to dance with it. No homo.

-On the way back to the apartment we were staying at, I picked up aluminum cans so that I could scrap them for money. I ended up with 4 cans.

-Found my buddy Lamar in the shower on his hands and knees before we went to sleep. He said he just needed to relax while the shower was running.

Kentucky Derby

Saturday May 5, 2012

-Made 2 baggies of whiskey to sneak into the Derby because drinks are very expensive there. I crotched it and made one very warm Coke & Whiskey since it was blazing hot. It was so warm I didn't want to drink it. I still had some leftover whiskey in my baggie that was in my underwear. It slowly leaked through my underwear and shorts.  I finally threw the bag on the ground.  I wonder if anyone picked up the ziploc bag of warm crotch whiskey.

-I wore jean cut off shorts, Schlitz jersey, and broke sandals. People took pictures with me, called me Jesus, and one guy hugged me. One person offered me $20 for my Schlitz jersey. Another guy praised my beard and said in a drunken stupor, “I just love your look, the beard, the hair” as he braced my hand.

-Saw a mud fight with two chicks who later got arrested for indecent exposure

-I saw 2 cops throw a girl on the ground and smash her head into the grass, because they at first pushed her away and then she threw her drink on the cops.

-I saw a random guy I play softball against. He asked me if I was from Milwaukee and I said yes. Then asked if I play on Wednesday Nights and I said yes.

-I won $150 on betting 2 random horses to win back to back races.

Chill Day in Louisville

Sunday May 6, 2012

-Ate Kentucky Fried Chicken in Kentucky. Yes, I can finally say that. It's way different there because I didn't get diarrhea from eating it.

-Went to the mall and played chess with life size pieces.

-Stayed in and watched basketball games.

-In the middle of the night, while I'm sleeping on the air mattress, Lamar joins me on the bed. Mind you, he had a whole couch to himself and he was sober and he snores really loud.

Road Trip Back to Milwaukee

-I recorded 3 boners on the way back. I'm getting my swagger back!!!!!

Twos.............

Bloggy Smloggy 61

Intro

It's May!!! As you can tell, I haven't sent this blog to you on facebook.  I want to see how many people really read this without me sending it via a facebook message.  So, if my view views are low then I'm going to start spamming you with my crap again.  What a great segway!!! The next bit is what I get in my Junk Mail in my Yahoo account.

Junk Mail or Not???

Here's what was in my junk mail for Monday April 16, 2012 read.

From                                        Subject                                                              My Response

Beautiful Local Women           Love plus affection just a click away                 Just that easy???

Cute N HornyGirl                    Hey Babe Are you Around                               No! I'm not around.

BeachBitch27                           Lets Chat                                                        No, sounds like your mean

MALE ENHANCEMENT      Enlarge your manhood 2-4inches                     Now were talking....

Cum4me28                               where were you                                               Sorry, I must've forgotten.

What if this wasn't really junk mail but real email? What if Cute N HornyGirl wants to know if I'm around? What if she is a nice sweet girl and I'm missing out on a lifetime of love and care? You know??? What if BeachBitch27 is not really a bitch, she could be the girl next door, but just has had a bad life? What if Male ENHANCEMENT really wants my “manhood” to be 2-4 inches longer, because he is right, I don't have much of a manhood. I mean Cum4me28 could be the girl of my dreams and her email just accidentally got thrown into my junk mail?

I'm Not Going to Lie...

I like when people start off with that saying “I'm not going to lie”, like every other time they are lying. For example, “I'm not going to lie but I thought you were dead”. That's hard and hurtful to hear that. Or “I'm not going to lie but I sure missed you”. I'm going to start saying “I'm going to lie”, for example, “I'm going to lie... because I sure missed you”. “I'm going to lie.. I hate the new Hunger Games, that new Justin Bieber Song, and My Little Pony's”. “I'm going to lie... I'm Straight!”

Fun Five

A cute way of saying you masturbate. It's a fun five!

Professor X Fart

A fart you that you shouldn't squeeze out but you concentrate so hard with your mind that it hurts. If anyone is a fan of X Men, they know how Professor X can read people's mind. Although, when he does this, sometimes he faints and his head hurts. The same thing happens when you push out a fart that you shouldn't. You concentrate so hard that your strain your brain but the ending result is just a blip on the radar. Professor X farts are overrated.

Goosebumps

I love the book series Goosebumps. It's between Goosebumps and the Boxcar Children as the greatest kid book ever. But I'm talking about a different Goosebumps. Goosebumps is when someone farts and it sounds like a “creepy door sound effect” or “screeeeeeeeeccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. It's that classic part in Goosebumps when they don't know someone is at the door, it opens, and goes “screeccccccchhhhhhh”. I like farts that sound like Goosebumps. Those are my favorite farts.

People are Nouns

A noun is a person, place, or thing. People are nouns. Call people nouns. It sounds degrading.

Random Moments at Sunday Dinner

-My mom hit me so I told on her. Me: “Mom...... Mom hit me.”

-“I have a flacid boner”

-“Grandma you have skin from the 1920s”- As I petted her skin.

Fart Fest

I held a fart fest with myself. No one else entered, so I won. I brought the fart title back to titletown where it belongs. I hold the Fart Title Belt at my household. I challenge anyone to a Fart Fest. Categories include smelliest, longest, and loudest.

Twossss...........

Bloggy Smloggy 60

Here is a compilation of fun events I have had in the last month.

Aaron and I go see the 5 Card Studs at Brewskis

March 31, 2012

If you don't know who the 5 Card Studs are, I suggest you get to know them. Their website is http://fivecardstuds.com/. You will experience classic 70s movin' n groovin' songs. This band is a classic must see for the young, middle aged, and old. If you like a smooth vocals with chest hair galore come see these dudes.

There were 2 for 1 deals at Brewskis from 8-10pm. So, it worked out perfect. I stuck to beer which I haven't done in awhile. As you know I like my Rum and Cokes. I don't like mixed drinks at bars, too much soda (75% soda/25% booze), you know. Maybe, that's how your supposed to make mixed drinks (not like how I make them though). So, I went with Lakefront IPA. A nice girthy taste to it. I don't like those watered down beers like Miller Lite (no offense Milwaukee). After 8 Lakefront IPAs, I had a nice controlled buzz throughout the night. I'm pretty sure we met the whole band. These guys were good guys, we kept requesting Hall & Oates. I guess we were in the wrong era for a “lounge band”. However, that didn't stop us from requesting Hall & Oates all night. I'm not sure if we annoyed the band or not. I'm pretty sure we did, but they did a good disguising their annoyance with us. Maybe... just maybe... they liked us. Hmmm... that could be a possibility???

It was one of the band mates birthday, so a lady/fan/groupie made him cupcakes. She offered us one cupcake. After that I kept going back to their table and ended up eating 4 cupcakes that night. One random lady offered us her fish bowl. So, we drank that sugar filled drink. Note to self don't buy or accept fish bowls from anyone (unless you like kool aid).

I guess I had bad breath that night because my buddy called me out. So, I asked about 10 different groups of people for a stick of gum, mint, or mouthwash. Nobody had gum or mints. I thought that was the craze. I even told the people “hey my breath stinks, do you have a mint?” I finally got a piece from the bartender, however it was cinnamon, so it didn't work that well.

It was bar time so me and Aaron walk back. He sneaks the fish bowl out for some reason. Whatever... we walk back to his house and deliberate if we are going to the casino. It's either he drives drunk to the casino or order pizza. I say casino but then back out saying I want pizza. Good choice. So, we are drunk talking to the Papa John's employee about what pizza we want. We finally order a sausage pizza and wings then pass out. He gets a call at 2:45am. It's the pizza guy. We wake up and eat the pizza and wings then pass out again.

Milwaukee Brewers “Opening Day” Tailgating

Friday April 6^th, 2012

It has been said that “opening day” to me is like Christmas to others. Meaning, I get so happy with joy like a kid would on his/her first Christmas. As the productive person I am, I always set goals for myself. It doesn't matter what they are, as long as you have goals in life.My goal for opening day was to do 10 beer bongs and eat 5 brats. My plan was to keep a tally on my arm with a green marker. My list started to grow to jello shots and homemade skittles shots. Here is my final tally of shots, brats, and beer bongs.

Arm Tally

Brats: 2 (but the mustard on my jeans says I ate 3)

Beer Bongs: 12 (although witnesses said I did 13)

Jello Shots: 4

Skittles Shots: 5

So, as you can see, I surpassed my goal of 10 beer bongs but I didn't hit my quota for brats. I did do bonus jello and skittles shots as well.

-Jumped into a dumpster for no reason other than it was a dumpster. I did this last year as well. This is now officially a tradition. I just need a clever back story to diving in a dumpster now. It'll go like this “Legend has it that Naked Guy first jumped into the Dumpster in 2011 to “throw away” old Brewer memories and ward off any evil spirits that the Milwaukee Brewers might have. In doing so, the Brewers won their first division title since 1982 and went to the 2^nd round of the playoffs. Now, he has made it tradition. In his 2^nd official dumpster dive “he hopes for a World Series in 2012” Go Brewers!!!

-Saw a dead cat.

-Met a chiropractor (don't remember how) who cracked my back and two of my friends. He said this was usually $40 a pop. At one point he had my friend on the ground in a very awkward position. I gave him beer in exchange.

Milwaukee Bucks vs. Oklahoma Thunder

Monday April 9, 2012

Had a few hits from the “garden of weeden” and the game seemed like it was in slow motion. Our seats were in the middle of a Fatherhood non profit group smelling like that “good good”.

Broke my phone because my slim straight jeans were too tight. I just got my phone 5 days ago, signed a 2 year contract, and declined insurance. Went to a pizza place and ordered bread sticks, a slice of pizza, and Italian hot beef sandwich.

My First Cubs Game

Tuesday April 10, 2012

    Pre gamed with my classic beverage Rum and Coke. I'm sick of Rum and Cokes, so I'm going to start making Bahama Mammas. I had a couple of these at my buddy Alan's apartment. While pre gaming I developed a new alter ego, Bare Wolf. Bare Wolf is a naked and somewhat domesticated werewolf. All I did was put on a werewolf mask and strip to my clothes, and thus the Great Bare Wolf was born! Bare Wolf took a dump at Alan's house, he also greeted Alan's friend when he came to door. Bare Wolf was on the floor on all fours awaiting him howling like the werewolf he was.

Then, it was off to Wrigley via taxi, yet I was not without my mixed drink and flask. I fancied a Sunkist orange soda as my “road soda”. As we were in the taxi, I further stated “my what a great orange soda I am drinking” (in fact it was a rum/coke). 

     We arrived at our first bar, had a couple of beers, I bought a round of 50 cent tacos, and then it was off to Wrigley. I forgot to mention that it was 30 degrees out. We made a super huge mixed drink at Wrigley and left when it was gone. We stayed for 6 innings as we could not bare the cold. We bar hopped throughout the night, mind you it was a Tuesday, yet it felt like a Friday in Milwaukee. There were $2 specials all night all over town. We were drinking Old Milwaukee, Pabst, Old Style, and all the other great American Lagers that night. I tried sneaking a Pabst into a bar and got kicked out because that particular bar didn't serve Pabst cans. Who tries to sneak in a cheap beer at a bar that has $2 beers anyway? 

     So, we went to another late night bar. At this bar, these random girls immediately asked us for drugs. We thought they were cops. I found out they were sisters, one was from Chicago and one was from Hawaii. The one from Hawaii was in her 40s looking for drugs, on vacation, and a “swinger”. Oh yeah... she was a Professor at Hawaii University. 

     At this point, it was around 2am, we needed some eats. So, we went to Clark's (think George Webbs) a 24 hour eatery. We got $30 worth of food, however there card machine was down and the ATM was down. We had no cash but $5, so my brother gives him the $5. One of my brother's friends runs out and get in his car and jets off as he is running out without paying. I follow him because I don't want to get caught either. He speeds off without my brother and Alan the guy I'm staying with. We are 6 blocks away and I get out at an intersection and sprint back to Clark's to meet up with them because I don't know where Alan lives. They are nowhere in sight and I have no cell phone because I left it in Milwaukee. I'm lost and walk back to think where Alan lives. It's been 10 minutes and I'm thinking I might have to sleep outside. But, wait... I hear screaming.. people screaming my name. I run to them and I find them. They told me they took a taxi home and were at their house, then realized I wasn't there. So, they went out walking the blocks screaming my name. I was home, they were home, and we all made it back. Oh yeah, the Cubs lost that night.

Twos.............

Bloggy Smloggy 59

Intro Smintro

I'm going to start saying “for the record”,“you can get me on record saying that”, or “you can quote me on that”. It makes me sound important. You can get me on record saying that.

Cats

Cats are people who play with their smart phones all day being easily amused. They look like cats playing with a ball of yarn. They just paw at their screens all day and all night. Stop playing with your iPhone you felines! Observe and just watch someone play with there smart phone. “Yeah I got this mind numbing app that just wastes my life for me”. I should get you “cats” some kitty litter while your at it.

GF Stuff

If you have a girlfriend she is a slut to you. It's true because she gives it up to you. You can call your gf a whore if you want to because she is a whore to you.

Dick Dial

A dick dial is very similar to the pocket dial or butt dial. However, a dick dial is when you keep your phone in your front pocket and you get a boner. Your boner activates the call just like your butt would activate a call in your back pocket when your walking. In more detailed words, the tip of you boner through the underwear, hits your phone while it's in your left/right pocket, thus calling someone.

Canning

It's the newest craze out there! A couple of friends of mine took our mom's dog for a walk. This was no ordinary walk. He had herb but no smoking utensils, yet we had a beer can. He finished the beer and made a “can pipe”. All you have to do is make a few holes in the middle of the can and place the weed on top of it, then you use the opening to smoke out of. It was around 7pm, so it was still light out. There were 6 of us openly taking random hits from this can pipe in a well to do neighborhood. Be a man and do a can. Do a canny!!

I Do Car Game/ Highway Robbery

You ever play “The I Do Car Game”. It's a very simple game. It's when your on a road trip with a couple of buddies. It has to be at least a 1 hour car drive. All you have to do is, say to your buddy, "the next car that drives by you have to do them". There is no way out of not doing them, you must! Then the game begins and you rotate the cars that drive by. This game is fun for all. It's a humorous game because after 15 minutes of cars passing you by, you have theoretically done a whole bunch of dudes, senior citizens, and a family of 4 (and there dog). Next time you on a road trip play this game.

My Lawyer Friend Gets Drunk at Milwaukee Bucks Game

March 24, 2011

-The first thing we both do is drop a “double duece” when we get to the Bradley Center. A double deuce is a side to side crap in a public setting. I first took “double dueces” in high school before soccer games. Here in the stalls is where we mix our flasks as we are pooping.

We get there at tip off but after we are done pooping, it's the middle of the first quarter.  I bring a 8oz flask for myself and him. He pours the whole flask into 1 drink. That is 8 shots of Rum, 4 Talls, or 8 shorts. However, you want to look at it, it's a lot of Rum. I taste his drink and it tastes like poison potion brewed by some wicked warlord.

-After the game we go back to my car which is parked 6 blocks away from the arena, fill up our flasks, and go back to the bar. We meet a random couple from Chicago who follow us at 2 bars. He buys me a coke so I can mix my drink. I met him as he was peeing on the side of a building. We instantly became friends.

-I saw a kid I used to coach for 6^th grade basketball. He bought me a shot. He is 21 years old now.

-Went to the casino to about 6am and lost about a month's worth of rent. I'm retiring from the casino. I will now play the stock market. Watch out Gordon Gecko!!!! WALL STREET IS MINE!!!!

-He went home but doesn't remember if a buddy picked him up or a Taxi brought him home.

Twos.....

Bloggy Smloggy 58

Holler at this blog....

I'm Mad and McDonalds is to Blame

I'm bitter. I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe... I should wake up on the other side of the bed. Maybe.. I'll start the day off right then. I was very angry at the cars in front of me turning into McDonald's. I started wishing death upon them. “Yeah, turn into McDonalds. I hope you die from eating a cheeseburger. I hope you all die from eating that crap” in very sinister like voice that was as loud a whisper. Real pissed off people don't yell (they whisper there dark thoughts). Not that I really care what people put into their bodies. But it was just sickening watching all these people scurry into McDonald's to get there “feed” or “mush” like a bunch of cattle. If you eat at McDonald's, I'm going to call you cattle. Because that's what you do. You graze the land like cows and then stuff your f*cking mouths with sh*t.

I pass tons of McDonald's a day and see the same results. People just swerving there way into the drive thru. People by the masses just flocking to get their happy meal. There's nothing happy about that meal. You get a few fries, a squishy burger, and small soda. Oh yeah, you get a toy that is made from a cheap plastic mold. I wonder what would happen if I took a bazooka and threw grenades and destroyed half of the McDonald's out there. There would be an outrage, riot, chaos, I tell you. I have no respect if you eat this crap (that's not saying a lot because I don't have respect for myself).

Also, if you eat at McDonald's, stop complaining that the burger you buy for $1 doesn't look like the commercial. You get what you f*cking pay for! You want a good burger, go to the store, buy one, and learn how to make one you talentless f*ck! People always complain that this doesn't look like it on the commercial. Well, maybe it's because they have Corky from Life Goes On making your burger. Do you think the high school kids who work there give a f*ck about your Big Mac?

I think employees there try to make the sh*ttiest food out there to see if you (the consumer) will still come and buy it. The joke is on you! How many times have you got soggy fries, the pickle on top of your cheeseburger, or a shake that looks like someone took a sh*t in it? Probably 90% of the time. Yet, you still go there like the f*cking cattle you are. Cattle doesn't give a sh*t what there snack wrap looks like, as long as it's good. Go f*ck yourself. Actually, go f*ck yourself on a mound of Big Macs and 49 cents cones. F*ck that 49 cent cone! Go buy some milk and freeze it!

Entreprenuer Move of the Week

I'm probably the worst salesman out there. But I'll never turn down the chance to make a quick buck. It started when I went disc golfing a few weeks back with no discs. So, I scoured the course looking for discs and happily found 6 discs. Hmmm... cha ching!!! I could turn these discs into profits! And I did! I went to the local Play it Again Sports to make a deal. I brought 4 discs in and he offered me $2 a piece. Bada bing bada bo. I just made $8 while you read this article. Get at me. I make deals. Now, I have $8 to go drinking with.

Poop Water

I just made a revelation, we drink the water we poop in. Theoretically, the toilet water that you defecate in, is the same water you will eventually drink.

I Need To Get A Life

I spent an hour looking for a Hall & Oates cover band to play at my wedding and I'm not engaged (and I don't know if I even play to get married). There only a few Hall & Oates cover bands out there but I think “The Maneaters” from Atlanta, Georgia will do just fine.

Stuff I Should I Tweet

I want a tandem bicycle and ride it by myself. If that doesn't scream despair, loneliness, or loser then I don't know what does.

I was at a bar for an NCAA tournament match. I ordered 2 waters and tipped the bar tender $1. You know your ballin' when you tip $1 for free water.

Don't go to a Dinner and Bring these (Yet bring them to a Potluck, Going Away Party, Retirement Party, or Tailgate)

Store Bought Shrimp Circle w/ Cocktail Sauce in the middle

Store Bought 7 Layer Taco Dip

Store Bought Cookies

Store Bought Cheese & Sausage Tray

Food I wish I Ate Still (College Food)...

Pizza Rolls, Mozzorella Sticks, Ramen Noodles, Spaghett0's, Canned Ravoli, Frozen Burritos, Fish Sticks, Taquitos, Bagel Bites, Hamburger Helper, Rice A Roni, Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets, TGIF Spinach & Artichoke Dip, Jalopeno Poppers.

Those were the F'in days. Pop it in the microwave and you got yourself a meal.  

Bloggy Smloggy 57

Intro/ “Zoo Tits Louisville”

I don't judge people. Well, I try my hardest to not judge. But I really want to know who typed in these words on google “zoo tits louisville” to find my blog. I hope your still reading if you did. That is a very creative way to find this blog. I typed in “zoo tits louisville” to see if I could find it myself. After searching 11 pages on google I gave up. But I did find these sites, articles, and blurbs while searching “zoo tits louisville”.

Here are some my favorite headlines when I searched “zoo tits louisville”

“Louisville big tits to slap while I blow you”

“Super Bowl Party: The Queer Petting Zoo for Insecure, Inept Straight Girls”

“Canadian zoo to split up a gay penguin couple, hopes to improve breeding”

“It's Amazing She Survived This Cervix Bashing”

It just gets grosser and sicker. Type in 3 random words and you'll get stuff you didn't know existed. I mean people are creative but creatively sick. In conclusion, there is actually a zoo in Louiville. However, I didn't find any “zoo tits”.

Harley Davidson

We live in Milwaukee. Home of the Brewers! Home of the Bucks! Home of Harley! Harley gets too much credit. Skip Harley. I'm going to start calling Harley motorcycles, Davidsons. Davidson gets no respect. If I ever get a motorcycle, I'm going to call my Harley a Davidson.

Girls in Yoga Pants

I spent too much time on girlsinyogapants.com. Literally, I went through the first 40 pages. Each page has an average of 3 butt pics. I just looked at 120 booties in about 30 minutes. I think I might submit a photo. Obviously, you have to be a girl but I think if we take a picture at the right angle, I'll have my booty posted on there in no time.

FakeSpeare

It's my new voice in which I talk like someone from the medieval ages. With a shakespeare like voice I roughly call people “common street whores who shall be treated like that of a undomesticated hound”.

Like Handles

It's the pre stage to love handles. Love handles according to wikipedia is “abdominal obesity”. Like handles are the pre cursor to love handles. There just “little guys”.

Pectoral Votes

A very strong man's say in making the final decision in the group. For example, he has the final say on where to eat or go out because he is the strongest one there (he is alpha male). He gets the most pectoral votes.

Treasure Chest

This is where you put you condom wrappers in a shoebox under the bed. It's sex evidence for your friends who don't believe you are sexually active. So, just start a treasure chest (aka an old shoebox) and start making memories.

Shrimpcident

Don't eat 20 shrimps in one setting. Especially, shrimp you buy from Aldis that is $5.99. I've always defended seafood from cheap grocery stores because it all comes from the same ocean. You know???? How can you say one shrimp is better than the other shrimp if it's from the same body of water? So, I had a shrimpcident 20 minutes after eating these shrimps. Let's just say... I released those shrimp right back into the water. Let's just say I “blackened” those shrimp. Let's just say I diarrehea'd those shrimp out. Let's just say that....

F*ck Green Beer!!!

St. Patricks Day

March 17, 2012

-Pre gaming at Aaron's house by drinking a classic Irish favorite Mr. Boston's Rum. I figure a lot of Irish live in Boston, so why not get a rum with the name Boston in it. It only makes sense.

-Taking the city bus for free downtown and making friends with a guy named “Joakim”. He was in his 40s, bald head, and had a braided goatee. He told us he was going to “hang out” or “follow us” the whole night because he thought we were cool or he wanted to rob us. Joakim came with us to Trinity. “We” aka Aaron and his brother bought him a beer. Within an hour Joakim was asking us for money. Aaron gave him $2. I think I stroked his braided goatee throughout the night. I tried to out creep the creep. I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into. He also asked others for money throughout the night. This is when we needed to let go of “Joakim”.We also ate gum that we found on the ground in the beer tent. It was packaged gum. Joakim, of course, ate the gum first. Then we followed to eat the gum. I knew Joakim would come in handy. We left the bar and quickly evaded “Joakim”. I often checked my pants pocket when Joakim was near me.

-Spraining my ankle because I didn't see a curb. It hurt through my drunken body, so that means it was bad real bad. However, I had the strength to walk to Dicks (½ mile way from water street). We made it to Dicks. Apparently, I had the strength to dance the night away. I only danced with one foot because the other foot was throbbing. I also used Aaron as a “crutch”. Humans make good crutches.

-After bar, outside of Dicks, trying to ask random people to take us to Potowatomi to gamble. To no avail. We didn't want to pay a taxi. Fortunatly, our guy came through and got us there.

-Renting a wheelchair at coatcheck at Pototwatomi. I guess all you have to do is give them your credit card and it's free. So, aaron pushed me around the casino to find open Blackjack tables. We both lost about $100 at the first table. The only right thing to do was to get more money from the atm. We found a new blackjack table and played that one until 6:30am. I ended up winning $50 and he lost $80.

-Took a van taxi home at 6:30am from the casino. He told us to hop in, “I'm a soccer mom”. He had been working since 10pm last night. We talked to the driver about how he goes to strip clubs and pays for sex. I asked him how much and he said, “its negoitable”. He said you have to go the black strip clubs though. We told him, we are buttts more that boobs. He was surprised and said, “you guys are white, you guys are supposed to like big titties” in a thick Indian accent.  

2'ssssssss...............