My Life Unemployed # 9

My Life Unemployed # 9

My 2^nd Interview, Brewers Game, & Casino Again (oops)

My 2^nd Interview at InterFaith Senior Programs

This is a position I just applied to on a whim but after the interview I thought I would actually enjoy working here. I noticed I would be the only male to work here if I got this job as the office was packed with old white ladies. The white collard shirt I wore had 2 beer stains on it from the last 2 weddings I went to. I thought I could hide the stains with the tie I wore. I knew I should've washed the shirt or took it to the cleaners. I guess I could learn how to iron a shirt? That would probably be a good skill to learn. I was prepared to answer the stain question, “So.. How did you get those stains on your shirt and could you go in detail about how it happened?” Unfortunately, they did not ask that question. I accompanied my blue tie with black pants and black shoes. I looked like a server at Olive Garden. I was ready to serve up a side salad, hot bowl of pasta, and desert!!! It only took me 2 tries to tie my tie though. Tie a tie? I love that. Tie... it's a verb and a noun. That's like saying “I pant my pants, I shirted my shirt, and socked my socks”.

Lets just say the weekend I ate like a piggy.  It would've been horrible if I had an upset stomach so

I drank ginger aid hot tea. Ginger is great for your digestive system so I could have irritable free interview. I also relieved myself.... you know... gave myself a 5 finger discount. I thought this would a great way to calm me down but I was relaxed... a little too relaxed.  I had lost my “mojo”.  Next time, I'm going to keep my seamen in me. That sounds really weird but it's true, keep your seamen in you if you want to be successful.  I shaved which is good because I didn't have a gross mustache or 5 clock shadow. But the bad thing was that I looked like a 21 year old. Great... now they thought I was probably a college frat boy.

I believed the interview went pretty good but you never know what the interviewer thinks or how they perceive you. I didn't say “umm” a lot but instead I said “welllll”. At the end of the interview, the interviewer asked me the question, “On a scale to 1 to 10. How nervous were you?” I told her I was 6 or 7. I think I'm naturally a nervous person. I'm like a wigged out squirrel who craves nuts! I need to calm down and be more like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Celebrated My 2^nd Interview

You got to celebrate having an interview. I know it's not getting a job but getting a interview is still a great thing. I went to the Brewer game and snuck in some good ol fashioned crum (crotch rum). The Brewers are having a promotion in where they give each fan a $10 concession voucher for each game in August. I had 7 tickets and only 4 of us went to the game. So, we went in the game twice at different gates and used 2 different tickets to get $20 in vouchers for food each. We spent $80 of vouchers on food and drinks. We got 2 nachos, 2 cheese curd boats, 4 hot dogs, 2 slices of pizza, and 2 licorice ropes. I also stole a bag of peanuts. We ate like god@mn glutton hobo kings! Thanks for the sh*tstorm Brewers!!!! You actually lose by getting this free $10 voucher for food because the food tastes like donkey piss.

Casino Again

I was feeling lucky... I had the itch to go the casino and make some money the wrong way. This story ends in me losing $80. Instead of applying for jobs I tried to make a quick buck. I enabled my degenerate gambling twin brother to go with me by giving him $40. I basically gave money to my brother so that we could hang out. I'm trying to buy my brother's love back.  Even though I lost that money I still got to spend quality time with my bro.  Hmm.. maybe I'll win back my father's love by buying him booze and pot.  

Trip to the West Coast

I need to reward myself for applying for all these jobs so I'm taking a trip to California, Washington, Oregon, Colorado, and Wyoming. I need to get out of Milwaukee to clear my head. I've been on the grind. My Life Unemployed will be on a 10 day hiatus. I'll see you in September!!!

Blog Round Up

So, in the end I may have lost $80 at the casino but I did go to the Brewer game for free and got $70 worth of free food. If you look at it that way I broke even. Let's be optimistic here.

My Life Unemployed #8

Life Unemployed #8

Jobs Jobs Jobs

I should really rename this blog from “The American Wet Dream” to the “The American Dry Dream”. Take a look around, jobs are drying out everywhere! 

 This is something a southern redneck would say,

“We are outsourcing good American Jobs to other countries. Why are they building all deez MACDONALDS overseas! That's takin away a great American Job and given it to an Eskimo. We need dem MACDONALDS in the US of A. We ain't got enuff of dem McCheesburgers in the Confederate States. I tell you what... they ought to build a McDonald's right in my kitchen.”

Actually, there are a plenty of jobs out there. There are too many jobs out there. I've probably looked at hundreds upon hundreds of jobs. I have observed that in order to get a job, you need to be really unqualified, have no skills, and no pride to get a crap job. Or be really qualified, have skills, and talent to get a job no one else is qualified for. That's my mission statement.

Jobs Applied for Since August 15th: 0

I have taking a hiatus of applying for jobs the last couple of days. I felt like I was spending too much time applying for jobs and not enough time with my family. Let's get serious here. My Step family has been really complaining that they have seen less of me since I've been unemployed. Don't let life pass you by without spending times with your loved ones. Actually, I just made all the sh*t up but that's what you see in the movies. The husband spends too much time at work and not enough time with the family. In reality, it was my grandma's 90^th Birthday. She has an IPhone, plays Words With Friends, and texts messages. She is slowly becoming a teenager. Also, it is my gf's 30^th birthday. Sorry, to all my women readers, I'm taken. I've been preoccupied spending money for their birthday gifts and celebrations. I'm really scared to look at my bank account now.

Interview Prep #2

I have an interview for a job at Interfaith Senior Programs today. I'm debating on whether I should wear my Looney Tunes tie? I think it would be a great Ice Breaker!  "Hey.. nice tie.. I love Bugs Bunny" or they would tell me, “Get outta my office.. YOU make a mockery of this interview”. In actuality I'm dressing as a waiter you would see at a nice restaurant. I'm wearing black pants and a white collard shirt that I haven't washed after two open bar weddings this summer. The neck is a little yellow from sweat but It doesn't smell like booze anymore. Don't worry I should be good. I've put in about 3 hours of interview prep for a job I don't really want. It's all about interview experience. Sky is the limit, If I can be comfortable in awkward situations.  

My Life Unemployed #7

My Life Unemployed # 7

Tuesday August 11

Today, I got up extra early since I didn't apply for any jobs yesterday. I got up in the wee morning of 8am. For most of you, that is not early, that is actually sleeping in. For me however it's quite the opposite, it's quite late. You try getting up at 8am when you know you have nothing to do for the rest of the day. It's not that easy! Live a day in my shoes and you will be unpleasantly surprised. Why wake up early when you don't have to do sh*t for the rest of the day?

Jobs Applied for

University of Wisconsin Milwaukee -Student Services Coordinator

For this particular job I would be working in the Admissions Office. I would be supervising staff, reviewing admission applications, and processing applications. I found this interesting because I would have a say in who the university would be admitting into their college. I would have the power to access or deny a person's future! I have no idea what I'm doing with my future but if I got this job I would really crush someones dreams! Muhahahaha (evil sinister laugh)... I'm letting this go to my head way too much.

I love how jobs have a disclaimer after you send your resume in saying, “Please no phone calls. We will contact you for an interview”. I love when they do this because I don't have to make that insecure call in where I speak nervously and stutter, “I..I..I.. was checking on the status of my my my app app application... hav hav have you made your de de decision yet yet yet?” I would like to avoid that particular phone call. I guess I'm hoping that I'm unqualified for a position so I don't have to talk to HR.

Bingo At the Casino

Went to play Bingo with my Grandma at the Casino. This is what unemployed old people do. They play Bingo. Bingo players are one of the fiercest groups out there. I would not f*ck with them by any means. They have a dauber pack which holds there daubers, trolls, and other miscellaneous items that old people bring. Old people are ruthless wrinkled savages! They'll let you know too. They will “shoosh” you, they will yell, and they will complain! I'm scared to go back to play Bingo. It's a rough crowd over there. Skip that.

Free Movie

Hey, when don't have a lot of money to spend you need to find free entertainment. Entertainment costs money. Fortunately, I got a free sneak peak to see the movie Kick Ass 2. Got to love a free violent movie in where a 15 year old girl goes on a killing spree!

My Life Unemployed # 6

My Life Unemployed # 6

Today I had a interview, didn't apply for jobs, and realized interviews are a load of dog poop.

Interview Update at the YMCA

  I knew the guy hiring me, so it was a little awkward answering questions as if he didn't know me. He started off with the cliché interview question, “So tell me about yourself”. I thought in my head... really... I know you. I had to get in the mind frame of not knowing him. I put on my serious face and went through with it. I answered all the questions as if I didn't know him. At one point he asked the question, “what would your super hero power be and why?”.  I answered, “invincibility” because I believe it's the best super hero power ever. How do you lose a fight to a super villain if your invincible? I failed this question ultimately, because I answered it in a literal sense, as if I was a real super hero fighting real villains. Godd@mnt, I must've sounded like an idiot.

  Since, I really don't know how to iron clothes, my khakis and polo were a little wrinkled but it wasn't like I was interviewing to be the CEO. I applied to be a Wellness Center Attendant. I feel like an “Attendant” demeans the job even more. Anytime someone is an "attendant", you know they don't have a lot of responsibilities, they are just “attending” to things. My goals should be higher, but this is the only interview offer I've had. Beggars can't be choosers or else beggars will become beggars (literally).

Jobs Applied for

Today, I didn't apply for sh*t.  I didn't even look at any employment websites. I was too busy preparing for my 12:00pm interview. I didn't have to time to look for jobs because I had more important things to do like write this blog and go disc golfing. Way to prioritize my life me! I also had my last class of Judo in which I've learned how to fall the “correct way”.  This class was 8 weeks long and we spent half of the class falling down.  I thought this would help me with discipline but in reality it has helped me do nothing but fall on my @ss and get right back up.  So, in theory, I guess I did learn something, "if you fall down get right back up".  

Life Observations

Interviewing is all Bullsh*t!   Meaning if you can out bullsh*t your interviewer then you got yourself a job. I'm too honest to be a bullsh*tter thats why I suck at them. Prepping for a interview is like preparing for an acting gig. You have to remember all your lines, show enthusiasm, and give your best presentation on why they should pick you. Being a good interviewer is being a great actor such as Rob Schneider, Dax Shephard, or Vin Diesel (those are all time greats). To obtain a high demand job, you need to lie on your resume, lie during your interview, and then lie some more. Lie Lie Lie!!!!!! I guess it's good to teach your kids to lie, they'll grow up and lie there way to successful jobs. Not me, I'm going the honest unemployed route.

My Life Unemployed #5

Life Unemployed #5

It's my bittersweet My Life Unemployed #5!

I Want That Obama $$$$$!

I'm thinking about getting them food stamps and unemployment checks from Obama. Hook it up Barack!!! I want that government money! I want to make it rain in the club with that USD! I want those greenbacks! I want other people to work and pay me (while I sit at home picking my butt). Gimmie dat paper!!!!! Hey if the government is offering these perks why not take it? If I get free money I would hook all my boys up. I would take everybody out who reads this out for a drink. Know that fo sho!!!! 100% guarantee. In theory, you helped pay for it so why not pay you employed folks back.

Jobs Applied for

Curative Care Job Coach- This job might be the most ironic job opportunity I have applied to thus far. How is a person like me, who is unemployed, going to tell someone how to do their job? You know? If I worked at Curative Care, I wouldn't hire me. I wouldn't hire a jobless chap like me. Why would you hire someone that doesn't have a job, when their prospective job is going to be teaching someone how to do a job. It makes no sense. Now I know why this job is open, because they hired someone who was unemployed. People who are unemployed don't know how to job coach someone because they didn't have a JOB in the first place. This job is to help those in the workforce who are disabled. It pays $12-$13/hour, benefits, and 3.8 weeks of vacation.

The Weekend Rule

Applying for jobs rule # 12. Never apply for a job on the weekend. Why? It's your time to party, get drunk, and smoke pot. Duhhhh!!!!!! No one is looking at your applications on the weekend. Even if you do submit it, there going to think your trying to hard and proving a point. I've never applied to a job on the weekend but I have feeling I'm going to change my status on this in a few weeks.

I was Employed for 2 hours!!

I volunteered in helping at my gf's mom's coffee stand at a farmers market Saturday morning from 8am to 10am. I wasn't paid in real money but my girlfriend paid in me in groceries. I worked for 2 hours filling drink orders. I poured coffee, lemonade, and mocha's. This was a fun gig. I gained valuable experience in the world of coffee.  Just trying to build that resume up.

Life Unemployed # 4

Life Unemployed # 4

Intro/"Buttfirmation"

Things are not getting better for me. I'm tired mentally, my confidence is dwindling, and my butt hole is physically deteriorating. I got that young diarrhea and I ain't scared to say it. I'm trying to stay positive though, but I'm running out of ways of keeping my butt hole healthy. So, I've resorted to doing affirmations for my @ss. I call them assirmations or buttfirmations.

Here is a few of assirmations that I've been saying each morning to my butthole.

"I'm grateful for my @sshole. It's all that I am and all that is."

"I like my butt. My butt is very lovable. Each day my butt does my best."

"My butt may be in 7 billion but my butt is also one in 7 billion!"

Try some of these butt affirmations and I guarantee that your butt will get out of its funk. I put a 100% guarantee on it. If your not satasfied with your results from these affirmations, I'll personally take a look at your @ss to see what's going on down there.

Jobs Applied For Thursday August 8th

1. Culligan Water Delivery Driver- Yep, I want to be the Culligan Man!!! Nothing is sexier than being the Culligan Man! Think about how hot that would be? I would be bringing in gallons upon gallons of jugs of water to the thirsty. I would be a hero amongst all those dying of thirst. This has been the most exciting job opportunity I have applied for yet! Bar none. This is a product I could back up too. Water is healthy, especially Culligan water. Actually, I think the main reason I applied for this job is because I didn't want to do a dumb cover letter.

Job Update

I have an interview for a part time job to be a YMCA Wellness Center Attendant on Monday August 12^th. However, the hours are Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings. Yeesh.... however, I'm going for the interview experience.  I most likely will be hungover for this interview.  This may give an advantage though.

Fun Fact of the Day

I needed a breather from all of the job searching I've been doing. It's tiresome and burdening. I needed to take my mind off things, so I visited the ole Casino. It was time to put my worries away and make some money. What else would I do, get a job? Yeah... okkkk.... because that is so eassyyy to do. So, knowing that money is scarce, I went to a $5 Blackjack table with only $25. I actually felt like a low life scum bag. Who goes to the casino when your unemployed unless your retired? Low life slime balls and ME! I know you all want to hear that I lost all my money, but instead I broke even. I think God was giving me a chance to get the hell out of there before I lose it all. Thank you God.

Life Unemployed #3

Life Unemployed #3

Wednesday August 6th Recap

I used the website Jobs That Serve to look at careers on how I could make a difference. This site is for those looking for a rewarding career but get paid dirt cheap. In other words, you make the biggest impact but get paid the least amount.  Isn't that F'd up?  It's a site for non profit professionals. Since all my experience is in non profits, this might be the only chance I get a job. I also have a strong background in farting, pooping, and having a small penis but not a lot of employers are looking for those qualifications. Maybe I need to find a industry in where those qualities are highly desirable.

Job Tips

Since, I've been applying for jobs I've had to write a lot of cover letters. I hate writing cover letters because of the time process. But.... I do have a cover letter system in place for doing them quickly. Firstly, I google search “cover letters”, “sample cover letters”, or “how to write a cover letter”. Then I copy and paste the best sounding sentences from a few sample cover letter websites. Boom! You got yourself a well written cover letter. But....I'm not sure this is a good idea, because if everyone searches “cover letter” on google, then all the applicants will have the same sounding cover letters. But.... That's why I don't click on the first article on “cover letters” because everyone else is. I like to page down and get some of the ones with less hits. See.... Now, that's a job tip for all you job seekers. You heard it here first.

Jobs Applied For

1) Volunteer Manager- Interfaith Senior Programs, Inc- This job works with seniors and recruiting volunteers to work with seniors. Do I like seniors? Kinda. Do they smell? Sometimes. Do there farts smell like World War 2? Yep. I feel like I don't get to interact with geriatrics, so I could learn something from “these kind of people”. It would be nice to talk to people who are not on smart phones, who have a land line, and go to the library to check a book out. It would be blast to eat werthers, prunes, and talk about the good ole days! I actually hope I get a call back. I also had to put a salary requirement for this job. I've never really had to this so I was stumped. So... I undercut my competition and put $25k-30k. Hopefully they take the bait and bite.

Fun Fact

I haven't watched TV all this week since looking for jobs. The only TV I did watch while employed was reruns of Saved by the Bell, Boy Meets World, and Smart Guy. So.. the TV I did watch was all stuff that influenced my life for the better. Oh Well...