Bloggy Smloggy 47

Intro Smintro

Sorry, I didn't post last week.  I'm sure of all you were so displeased.  Did anyone notice? Probably not.  Did anyone care? Probably not.  Do I care? Probably not.  Sorry, I need to self loathe for awhile.  Self loathing is a good way to start a blog.

Lunchables

Who the hell eats Lunchables? Have you seen that crap! What the hell is in that? Do they have breakfestables or dinnerables? They should rename it untouchables. I'm pretty sure if they did rename it “untouchables”, people would still buy it. Ewwww, that's nastyyyy... More like diarehheables

Goin Up Up Up

You know how us guys talk about getting head. We always say, “Hey, did she go down on you?”. We love it when girls go 'down' on us. What if girls went 'up' on us? For example:

dude 1: Hey man, did that girl go down on you?

dude 2: No, she didn't go down on me. But she went up on me.

dude 1: huh, what do you mean she went up on you?

dude 2: oh... she kissed me.

I guess when a girl goes up on you, it's not as cool as when a girl goes down on you.

Big Ballin'

I'm in dire need of a ball reduction. This thought occurred to me on christmas day. Why would this occur to me on Christmas Day? Well, because I was watching sports all day on the couch. It was the first day of the NBA. So,I was watching games from 11am in the morning to 10pm at night. My testicles were mushed between my thighs all day long. I don't have normal 29 year old thighs either. I have what we call “thunder thighs”. So, with that being said, it hurts, because off all the friction and rubbing go on down there. I wish I could have a big bowl of gold bond on a night stand, so everyday when i wake up, i can just dip my fat balls in this bowl of heaven (gold bond). My massive thunderous meaty thighs were squishing my already big balls. Big and big don't go together, especially when its your gigantic nuts with your manatee looking thighs.

In the day of plastic surgery someone could say, "why don't you get a thigh reduction? Well, i like my meaty thighs and it's not going to change the fact that I have titanic testes. How about I just go for a ball reduction. If I get a nut reduction it's going to make my already small penis look bigger. Just as girls get boob reductions, I'll get ball reduction. I still don't understand why girls get chest takeaways?? Why would you take the thing I love the most from your precious chest and throw it away? I guess girls do have a point when they remove there gonzongos because it does hurt there back to lug those flappy tits around town. Maybe that's why I have an aching back. It must be my gigantic testicles.

I hope they have this surgery around, if not, I want some doctor to experiment with my nuts and make my balls smaller. If there are any doctors that will do this I am dedicating my body to science. If doctors are not willing to do this procedure, then f*ck it, I'm calling Rick Moranis. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, literally.

Good Ol Anne

Anne Frank. Good Ol Ann Frank. I developed a new slang term for Ann Frank. She is called Ann Stank. Ann Stank is when a girl farts but you can't find out which girl farted. It's like there hiding there fart from you. Plus, no girl wants to know you know she farted, she is going to Ann Stank that fart, in other words hide it.

My Wonderful Weekend

Christmas Eve Eve

December 23, 2011

There's always that point in a relationship when your in relationship that you have to meet the family. With that being said, it was my turn to meet the family. It was not as hard as I thought actually. I get pretty nervous and sometimes shy around people I don't know, but I guess we all are. So, we arrive at her sisters house and I was immediately offered a drink. They had Rum and Diet Coke. Alas, they had Captain Morgan's, I don't have to drink cheap rum anymore. Wow, this rum is delicious and name brand soda... get outta town.

So, we ate, watched people open presents, played dominoes, and drank. I probably had 8 Rum/Cokes. I was relapsing at a family function. I was feeling nice and buzzed and all my pre game jitters were down the hatchet. Towards the middle of the night, we started drinking Captain Morgan's special reserve. It was 100 proof, yet smooth and delectable.

So, at the end of the night, I was hugging family members, playing with the random kids there, and joking around with their grandmother. Overall, rum quenches social family awkwardness.

Christmas Night

December 25, 2011

Let's fast forward to Christmas Night, because Christmas Day (read above) was me complaining about my big balls. Since, we were inside all day long, we needed to get out. So, my brother, Earthy A, and I went off to the casino. It was the only place open. It was packed, the Christmas spirit was in the air as everyone was spending there christmas cash. I went with a measly $15 which came from scratch offs that I in my stocking stuffer. We ponied up to a black jack table as I tiredly watched everyone play. Then I made my move, I cashed in my $15 and in return I got 3 $5 chips. I had 3 chances to make big winnings, hence it was a $5 black jack table. Boom, I started hitting like crazy and before you know it, I was up $50. I decided to do the smart thing and cash out. There has been many times when I have been inebriated and have been up and lost my winnings. It was 3am when we arrived home.  Christmas had arrived and Christmas had gone.

Twos......