Bloggy Smloggy 65 (I'm 30 Now)

Intro

I'm 30 now. With age comes great responsibility, maturity, and wisdom. Here is a prime of example of these three words.

Nipples Look Like STDs

My nipples have been looking real strange the last couple of weeks. Maybe.. it's because I've been staring at my nipples more than I should. I think it's my areola... more than the actual nipple. I mean the nipple already looks weird to begin with. Nipples look like herpes.

Anal Spiders

I got 3 spider bites in my butt crevice, not the outer part but the inner part. If my butt was the Grand Canyon, the spider bites would be in the actual canyon (if you follow what I'm saying). At first, I thought they were hemorrhoids, but as I scratched a little more, they become bigger and itchier, and hemorrhoids don't work like that trust me. How do I not know there are spiders crawling up my butt? Don't you think I would've noticed the spider crawling up foot, ankle, calves, hamstring, and thigh before it reached my butt? Is this spider teaming up with the jizz fly while I'm sleeping? I got flies jizzing in my eyes and anal spiders crawling up my butt.

My Surprise Jean Shorts 30^th Birthday Party for Myself (Dragon Ball Z Theme)

My Backyard

Saturday June 9, 2012

-Had a ¼ barrel of miler lite and 24 hot dogs. Played bags, flip cup, and did pineapple upside down shots. We also did shots of Chinese liquor (I call it the Chinese jaegermister). It takes like black licorice and raisins. We ran out of beer at around 8:30pm. So... we drove to the liquor store and got more beer. We brought a watermelon in to the liquor store with us. Not sure why... but we did. This guy from Mexico in the store asked us what is the cheapest strongest American beer. We told him to get Steel Reserve (4 pack/ $2.29). It's 8.4% alcohol. I can't believe I bought that stuff in college. Puke!!!! I hope I see that guy again, so I can ask him how his night went. It seemed like everyone in that liquor store was drunk.

-Got kicked out of Buck Bradleys (a bar) for having a soap fight with Alan j Baker in the bathroom. We were chucking soap foam at each other and it was all over the mirror and walls. The manager walked in and we both pointed to each other saying “he did it”. He just said, “get out.. leave”. Before he kicked me out, he took my can of miller high life saying we don't serve this here. This has been the 2^nd time I've been kicked out of this bar. The first time I got kicked out, I was dancing on a booth.

-Went to Dicks Pizza and Pleasure Zone with jean shorts, Schlitz jersey, and sandals. It's a club (I mean a pleasure zone) so I'm guessing that is not dress code. I got kicked in the balls by Alan j Baker and fell to the ground.

-Went to a after bar at someones house. There was a bouncer with a guest list and bar with drinks. I mean drinks were $3 (Fat tire and Strongbow). One lady was like, “do you want ecstasy?” and I was saying “no, I don't need extasy”. She pointed to the guy who has ecstasy. I didn't want any though but she made it a point to point him out.

-Walked home to my mother's house at around 6am. Halfway there (30 minutes later), we took a taxi because we were so tired from walking.

Someone Else's Surprise 30^th Birthday Party

Pedal Tavern Third Ward

Friday June 16, 2012

For those who don't know what a pedal tavern is... It's a large rectangle bike with 10-16 seats (that all have pedals) with a “bar” in the middle. It looks like a lil tiki bar. Everyone on the pedal tavern has to pedal to make the bike go. The pedal tavern is a bar crawl on wheels. The best thing about that pedal tavern is you can bring, mix, and drink your own drinks while on it. The idea is to bounce from bar to bar. There are drink specials at each bar: shot specials, beer specials, and mixed drink specials.

I realized quickly that you didn't have to go into the bar, so I would hang out at the pedal tavern and drink while everyone went inside to buy beers. I, of course, drink my classic rum and coke mix. I also had a few before I got there. When I say few.. I mean one large half/half rum and coke.

I almost got run over by the tavern as we were backing it up from a parking spot. There is no reverse, so we had to push it out. My foot almost got stuck under the wheel thus having it run over.

We pedaled for over 2 hours and got back to the start of are first bar (O'Lydias). They had $1 PBR lights, yet I didn't finish my mixed drink from the pedal tavern. So, I lounged around the outside with my mixed drink until the bouncer told me I couldn't drink it (even though I was part of the pedal tavern). I said, “fine.. I'm going to drink by those dumpsters”. As I was there, I noticed people's coolers from different pedal taverns. They must've hid them there while they were at the bar. As the scavenger I am, I rummaged through these coolers to find margarita mix, Coors lights, and a Gatorade concoction. After I finished my rum and coke, I was slamming these drinks in between the dumpsters. As put by my friends, “i looked homeless as I was begging for drinks”. At this point, it was time to call it a night. I think you have it an all time low when you'd rather not go inside a bar for $1 PBRs, yet drink alcoholic beverages in between the dumpsters in the back alley of the bar.

Twos.......

Bloggy Smloggy 64

Intro

I'm European American.

Just because a hot dog is made from a turkey doesn't mean it's healthy.

My 1^st Garden

I have a garden. I'm a gardener. I officially hate chipmunk, bunnies, and other cute critters now. Being the gardener I am, I have developed “a deep true hatred” for these pesky little animals. They hang out in my garden and are eating my crops. It's an all out war. They vermin's don't know who they are messing with. It's on you b*tch @$$ rodents!!!!

Parents and their Kids

I like how parents (obviously with kids) make us feel bad for them. For example, they always stress that they have kids by saying, “well.... I have a 3 year old at home”, “try raising two teenage boys”, “i have three daughters that are 8, 9, 10 years of age”,“Ya think.. that's not a job” or “I'm a full time mother”. I know it's a tough job but am I really supposed to feel sorry for you. You never hear my mom saying, “I'm raising 3 adult boys right now. It's so stressful raising my two 29 year olds and one 26 year old man all by myself. They need so much attention. Have so much energy. They are always getting in trouble at work”. No no no...... so stop this mirth.

Cum Dollars

I saw this on top of a urinal while at the casino. It's a trick. It's a trap. Don't take the dollar! It's a cum dollar. What's a cum dollar you ask? A cum dollar is when a guy cums on money and puts the dollar on top of a urinal. So, being the cheap @$$ you are, you take it, thinking your a dollar richer. While of course your a dollar richer, you also got dude seamen on you. Don't take the cum dollar!!!! Unless, you want a dollar. Because you know a guy is in the stall watching and laughing at you.

Eye Boogers or Fly Jizz??

What kind of “night fly” is sh*tting in my eye? Or better yet.... what fly is cumming in my eye?? I wake up every morning with fly jizz in my eye. Normal people refer to this as eye boogers, I think not. I swear to god.....I'm getting fly money shots in the night while I sleep. Screw off Jizz Flies!

The Like Button

I dislike the like button option on facebook. I wish there was a dislike option on facebook. You know how many people would dislike comments. If you ever wrote a comment no one 'liked', I guess I would assume most people disliked it then. I don't like the like button for the very reason that when we talk in real conversations that most people don't say I “like” what you just said.

Halloween Costume Idea

Facebook- Put a book on my face or better yet put a face on my book.

Breakfest Boners

I wake up every day with a boner (commonly referred to as a morning wood). I like to call them “breakfest boners”. I wake up every morning thinking with my dick. Every guy notices when they have a boner and when they have a boner they think with it. They want to do something sexual, play with it, or put “it” in something. I don't wish these morning boners upon me. I don't want to start my day off with a boner but I do. Why can't I start my day off intellectually? Why can't I start my day with the will, motivation, or intuition to do something great? Why can't I get a “brain boner”? If I got those I would be a successful chap making moves in the business. I would be working downtown with a collard shirt, pleated khakis, dress socks, and business casual shoes on. Instead, I wear athletic shorts, a crusty tee shirt, and dirty shoes to work.

Dave Thomas Can Eat One

A new Wendy's opened up in Wauwatosa. You'd think they were handing out free $100 bills. There were so many people just getting there mushy processed food. The parking lot filled with cars. The drive thru just jam packed with minivans. Don't get me wrong, I don't judge, I just call'em how I see them. I mean I used to love Wendy's as a high school student and broke college kid. I used to see how many items from the 99 cents value menu I could eat. I would get fries, 2 double stacks, 5 piece nuggets, and the beloved frosty. That's just gross to think I even stomached that. Anyways, I don't do that anymore, I let the heathens eat that crap. It's funny because people think I'm gross because I talk about poop, boogers, and boners. Yet, these people are eating processed gross fast food that probably have boogers from the worker making it, feces from the cow it came from, and the high school kid making it probably has a boner, because he was checking out the girl in line with cleavage. With that being said, I talk about those things and you eat them. 

2's