Intro
I'm
30 now. With age comes great responsibility, maturity, and wisdom.
Here is a prime of example of these three words.
Nipples
Look Like STDs
My
nipples have been looking real strange the last couple of weeks.
Maybe.. it's because I've been staring at my nipples more than I
should. I think it's my areola... more than the actual nipple. I
mean the nipple already looks weird to begin with. Nipples look like
herpes.
Anal
Spiders
I
got 3 spider bites in my butt crevice, not the outer part but the
inner part. If my butt was the Grand Canyon, the spider bites would
be in the actual canyon (if you follow what I'm saying). At first, I
thought they were hemorrhoids, but as I scratched a little more, they
become bigger and itchier, and hemorrhoids don't work like that trust
me. How do I not know there are spiders crawling up my butt? Don't
you think I would've noticed the spider crawling up foot, ankle,
calves, hamstring, and thigh before it reached my butt? Is this
spider teaming up with the jizz fly while I'm sleeping? I got flies
jizzing in my eyes and anal spiders crawling up my butt.
My
Surprise Jean Shorts 30th Birthday Party for Myself
(Dragon Ball Z Theme)
My
Backyard
Saturday
June 9, 2012
-Had
a ¼ barrel of miler lite and 24 hot dogs. Played bags, flip cup,
and did pineapple upside down shots. We also did shots of Chinese
liquor (I call it the Chinese jaegermister). It takes like black
licorice and raisins. We ran out of beer at around 8:30pm. So... we
drove to the liquor store and got more beer. We brought a watermelon
in to the liquor store with us. Not sure why... but we did. This
guy from Mexico in the store asked us what is the cheapest strongest
American beer. We told him to get Steel Reserve (4 pack/ $2.29).
It's 8.4% alcohol. I can't believe I bought that stuff in college.
Puke!!!! I hope I see that guy again, so I can ask him how his night
went. It seemed like everyone in that liquor store was drunk.
-Got
kicked out of Buck Bradleys (a bar) for having a soap fight with Alan
j Baker in the bathroom. We were chucking soap foam at each other
and it was all over the mirror and walls. The manager walked in and
we both pointed to each other saying “he did it”. He just said,
“get out.. leave”. Before he kicked me out, he took my can of
miller high life saying we don't serve this here. This has been the
2nd time I've been kicked out of this bar. The first time
I got kicked out, I was dancing on a booth.
-Went
to Dicks Pizza and Pleasure Zone with jean shorts, Schlitz jersey,
and sandals. It's a club (I mean a pleasure zone) so I'm guessing
that is not dress code. I got kicked in the balls by Alan j Baker
and fell to the ground.
-Went
to a after bar at someones house. There was a bouncer with a guest
list and bar with drinks. I mean drinks were $3 (Fat tire and
Strongbow). One lady was like, “do you want ecstasy?” and I was
saying “no, I don't need extasy”. She pointed to the guy who has
ecstasy. I didn't want any though but she made it a point to point
him out.
-Walked
home to my mother's house at around 6am. Halfway there (30 minutes
later), we took a taxi because we were so tired from walking.
Someone
Else's Surprise 30th Birthday Party
Pedal
Tavern Third Ward
Friday
June 16, 2012
For
those who don't know what a pedal tavern is... It's a large rectangle
bike with 10-16 seats (that all have pedals) with a “bar” in the
middle. It looks like a lil tiki bar. Everyone on the pedal tavern
has to pedal to make the bike go. The pedal tavern is a bar crawl on
wheels. The best thing about that pedal tavern is you can bring,
mix, and drink your own drinks while on it. The idea is to bounce
from bar to bar. There are drink specials at each bar: shot
specials, beer specials, and mixed drink specials.
I
realized quickly that you didn't have to go into the bar, so I would
hang out at the pedal tavern and drink while everyone went inside to
buy beers. I, of course, drink my classic rum and coke mix. I also
had a few before I got there. When I say few.. I mean one large
half/half rum and coke.
I
almost got run over by the tavern as we were backing it up from a
parking spot. There is no reverse, so we had to push it out. My
foot almost got stuck under the wheel thus having it run over.
We
pedaled for over 2 hours and got back to the start of are first bar
(O'Lydias). They had $1 PBR lights, yet I didn't finish my mixed
drink from the pedal tavern. So, I lounged around the outside with
my mixed drink until the bouncer told me I couldn't drink it (even
though I was part of the pedal tavern). I said, “fine.. I'm going
to drink by those dumpsters”. As I was there, I noticed people's
coolers from different pedal taverns. They must've hid them there
while they were at the bar. As the scavenger I am, I rummaged
through these coolers to find margarita mix, Coors lights, and a
Gatorade concoction. After I finished my rum and coke, I was
slamming these drinks in between the dumpsters. As put by my friends,
“i looked homeless as I was begging for drinks”. At this point,
it was time to call it a night. I think you have it an all time low
when you'd rather not go inside a bar for $1 PBRs, yet drink
alcoholic beverages in between the dumpsters in the back alley of the
bar.
Twos.......
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