Sad Bananas # 3 Hot Job

 Things Are Warming Up

Yeah man yeah

   

I try to stay fit. I say “try” because when I workout I just do light intensity. I don't drink protein shakes, put up big weight, or grunt like a grunt at the gym. I do a quick 20 minute workout, drink water, light dumbbells, and don't even make a moan when I do my light intensity . I also alternate using the sauna and steam room to get my sweat on.  Why actually do exercise to sweat when you can sit in a sauna and do absolutely nothing to sweat?  Today was sauna day!  I enjoy the sauna as it's relaxing, peaceful, and entertaining. I say entertaining because occasionally you will get an old naked dude drying off his senior citizen nut sack.  I guess that's entertaining in a weird way.  I call it "wierdtainment".  Or you get the random dude wise cracking in the corner about something dumb. Or listen to other guy moan about some remedial thing that is wrong in their life. 

Me on the left. Car Salesman on the right.

Today, I got the guy talking to me about his life which turned into my life.  I am often in the sauna for 15 to 20 minutes.  However, the longer I'm in there, the more I put myself at risk to see testicles of all ages, sizes, and colors.  It goes without saying, "I don't want to see saggy man nuts".  Just as I'm about to leave, a meat headed 40 something year old who is too jacked for his own good (think testosterone, HGH, deer antler spray) strikes up a convo. He asks, "you must work outside you got a good tan” as he in looking at my legs. He is talking me up like, “what are you 20?” No, I'm 30. Great... I'm thinking this guy is going to corner me with his bulging biceps and do naughty things to me. He tells me about how he used to work for Cadillac but couldn't deal with their customers so he works at Hyundai. 

Hmm... what to do?

I make my way out and he is still talking about car stuff. Some how he finds out I'm looking for work and from there he goes into sales mode.  He stares at me with crazy eyes and speaks with persuasive intent if I want a job working with him at the Hyundai dealership. He said, “How much you need to live $5k, $4k, $3k?... I'll start you at $2k.. with a $1,500 signing bonus... you will train with me.... not to blow smoke up your ass.. but you got the look.... you got the talent... I guarantee you will be making a lot of money and be happy in a few months.... I'm willing to vouch for you... all you got to do is clean up your neck hair .... come in tomorrow with a tie and shirt... if you don't have a tie...I'll get you one.... I have 20 ties and I will put it on you in the parking lot..... will get you started... I'll teach you everything.... I'll get you a desk with a computer....you will be driving a company car just like me.... I've made $2,000 in one day.... I'll show you my pay stub..... I believe in a guy like you” I told him I'm not a salesman after hearing his sales pitch. He says, “well... do you have a wife or a girlfriend?... I say "yes" to having a girlfiend and he responds, “there you go... your selling yourself everyday”. He says, “follow me to my locker and I'll give you my business card”.

What could have been?

 I willingly follow him to his locker where both of us are hot, sweaty, and have our shirts off still. I'm not sure why I follow him but when you are this desperate you would follow a half naked dude to his locker if he was going to offer you a job. He told me to come in the next day to interview with their hiring manager. I told him I would think about it over the night. It sounded enticing but I just met this guy in a sauna who was talking about my tan, then 5 minutes later he is offering me a job. I don't want to be this guy's little pet at work.  I don't want to do all this guy's b*tch work while he gets paid. This guy tries to play me for a fool, idiot, and/or a pushover. Yes, I am those 3 things but I'm a smarter new breed foolish pushover idiot. 

Sad Bananas # 2 Stranger Danger

 I've Been Stranger Dangered

How people used to shop for groceries

    I used to hate going to the supermarket to obtain groceries but now that I put things in perspective I don't mind. It's better than having to hunt and gather your food for countless hours a day. In the Paleolithic Era hunters spent whole days searching for wild game, animals, and rodents to kill. Women spent hours of gathering berries, nuts, and twigs for a meal's worth of food. Not only do they have to hunt for it but they had to prepare it through , skinning it, butchering it, and cooking it.

    What do I have to do to get a meal's worth of food? I just go to the supermarket and everything is already “hunted” and “gathered” for me. I put my seat belt on and drive my Toyota Sedan to the nearest grocer and easily find a parking spot. Am I one of those persons who have to get one of the nearest spots near the store? No. Do I find the furthest spot from the store to make a point about not being the closet? Yes. From there I walk an extra 50 feet! Yes 50 feet! OMG! You should think about walking too! It might even out those Oreos, Twinkies, and 2 Gallon Tub of Ice Cream you are going to eat when you get home.

    Anyways from there I go through the automatic sliding doors that open for me (god forbid I open a door by myself) and then I get a cute little basket (or if I go green I bring my own bag). Then I just have to look for food in the aisles which are nicely labeled, buy the food with cash or credit, and then cook it by microwave or oven. Very simple to be a present day hunter and gatherer. It's the convenience of modern technology. I digress as I was not supposed to write any of that. Rather I was supposed to talk about an instance I had at the self checkout lane a few weeks back. Here is my self checkout lane situation.

Dumb Lady & Dumb Kid
at Self Checkout

     I prefer to use self checkout because then I don't have to talk to a grumpy cashier lady who secretly judges all the food I buy. Screw off check out lady! I will buy pounds of pounds of meat. I'm carnivorous and love it!

      So, I'm at the self check out lane ringing up my items minding my own business as a young kid walks up to me. I'm about to smile and say hi to the little fellow but then from the adjacent self checkout lane his mother utters, “stranger..... stranger danger.... you know better than that... stranger danger” and the kid walks back to his mother. Great... I think to myself... everyone around me thinks I'm a pedophile. I could understand if was wearing a trench coat, had long greasy hair, and was looking disheveled, but honestly I wasn't for once.  I was just Stranger Dangered by an adult. It's a somber feeling to be branded a “stranger” that will cause “danger”.

What a real stranger
looks like.

     At that moment I felt like hiring a real life stranger to cause danger to this overprotective mother. I don't know where or how you hire a stranger but I felt like teaching this “b*tch mom” a lesson. It wouldn't surprise me if they had www.strangersforhire.com to creep out kids, families, and/or co workers.        Anyways, I get embarrassed and say nothing as I quickly pay for my things and exit the grocery store as to make eye contact with no one.
   I didn't want to start an argument with a stressed out woman with 4 kids because I'm a pushover. Instead.. passive aggressive me conjures evil scenarios in my head about her demise.  My first instinct is to look back at this mom and say, “excuse me... I work with kids as my profession” but I don't. This dumb mom lady incorrectly used the stranger danger code of conduct. I was no more than 6 feet from this dumb lady and her dumb kids and she had the audacity to cry out “Stranger Danger”. 

    Probably the best thing that can happen to this woman would be if someone kidnapped one of her kids. Does this lady really need 4 annoying kids? We should only be allowed to reproduce no more than 3 kids! With one less kid she would be way less stressed and save a lot of money. Also, by having this kid kidnapped she wouldn't have to save money for this kid who probably won't have a future anyways because he is dumb enough to talk to a stranger like me. Actually, I think this lady should be kidnapped or “adultnapped”. That will show her to not call a stranger a stranger.