Bloggy Smloggy 3

Intro “I love snuggies!!!!!!!”

I'm currently writing this portion of this blog in a snuggie. Thank god for the inventor of the snuggie who knew you could do so much in a snuggie. For example, write a blog, read a book, watch a movie, and talk on the phone. I'm going to make the “druggie snuggie” and snort coke, shoot heroin, smoke crack, and just get rocked in my “druggie snuggie”. Not only is the “druggie snuggie” good for “my life is going nowhere so I have to do drugs to kill the pain” but I'm going to cut a hole in the middle so I can masterbate with my “snuggie”. Just a nice little cut out hole in the middle so I can masterbate and/or have sex through my snuggie (if the situation presents itself). Oh yeah! The “druggie snuggie” doing drugs... doing chicks, F a blanket!!! A blanket just kept me warm. No one ever did drugs with a blanket unless your homo.

My Favorite Song Right Now

La Roux-Bulletproof I'm in “tune” with sappy love songs written by girls. I can relate to girls in that way. A “poon tune”- a sappy feel bad song about myself because my boyfriend cheated on me, now I'm back and independent, on my own. I love a good “poon tune”.

I went to a 21 year old's birthday party at Brothers!!!!!

After a night of partying with kids 7 years younger than me, I thought I was sober enough to drive home. I mean all I had to drink was 8-10 different beers, 3 different kinds of shots, and you know probably random other drinks I forgot I had. So flash forward to the end of the night, bartime 2:00am. We were all walking to my car which was parked on a side street of angle parking. I put my key in what I thought was my car and rattled off to my brother “dude, my key doesn't work to my car anymore”. I double checked the key, yep it was the right key but It was the wrong car. I responded to my own discovery, “this is not my car!!”. Instead, it was a chevy malibu, but to my defense it was the same color as my Toyota Camry and we were in the midst of a snowstorm. I basically put my key in the first tan 4 door sedan in the long row of cars hoping that it was mine. That should've been a hint to my brother and his friends, that I shouldn't have drove. But I drove home anyways and they gladfully let me. Thankfully I'm here to tell you this story.

Bucks Game and Snack Wraps

I went to the Milwaukee Bucks vs. Washington Wizards game on Wednesday Night (two dismal teams in the NBA but there's was more to cheer for than a win that night). If the Bucks score 100 points everyone in the crowd gets free snack wrap from McDonald's. So, with 7:00 minutes left in the game the bucks were at 90 points. At this point, I was thinking snack wrap in hand but before you know it, there's 10 seconds left and were stuck on 98 points. Larry Sanders, who hasn't played the whole game, gets fouled and we are all patiently waiting to see if he will knock down the 2 free throws. He makes one and the crowd is screaming at this point. Everyone in the stands, is on there feet, chanting “don't miss those free throws”. Mind you, the Bucks are up 10 points so we have already won. Boom!!! Larry Sanders knocks down the 2^nd free throw and the Bucks score a 100 points. You could hear the gluttony of the crowd, the roar of the “fat”, the clamor of the “supersized” fans that wanted there frickin' snack wrap. Come on!! I could see these fats getting fatter everytime the Bucks score a 100 points. Seriously, if he would've missed those free throws, I fear Larry Sanders would've gotten hate mail from the “msg, hydrogentated oil, saturated fat fans” who wear the grease they eat. Way to promote a healthy lifestyle NBA. It's like the saying the “rich get richer and the poor get poorer”. Well, “the fat get fatter, and the skinny get skinnier”.

A Booger Wall at Work?

I'm starting a Booger Wall at work. I shouldn't have said starting, I should've said started because it's already growing. Right now, were about to 3 boogers and a dead lady bug. Don't ask me how a dead lady bug got there (but it's there). Will see how long it takes the janitors to clean it up. I was not supposed to elaborate on my Booger Wall. It is, what it is, a Booger Wall. But It's a Booger Wall at work. Yeah, we have all started Booger Wall's in the confine of our own home. But how about at your office at work?

Going Down..Down... Down...

Going down on a chick is like holding your breath underwater. It's like how long can you last before you have to come up and gasp for air. Imagine yourself “falopian tube' deep in a girl's pie”. It's like that saying when guys say “Yeah, I was balls deep in her Man!! Yeah, Man Balls Deep”. Well, when a girl is doing you from the top she can say to her girlfriends, “I was so embroyo deep in him, I really gave him my eggs” and then her friends can respond, “Heck Ya Jenna! Wayyy to Goo You Sassy lil Betchh!!!”

C Rags

I told you I was going to talk about this subject. We all have C Rags. A “C Rag”, is anything a guy uses to eject his seminal fluids on. It could be a tissue paper, no to small for me. It could be a paper towel, no I don't like wasting good paper towel. It could be an old t shirt your friend once left over, Yes! I once used my friend's old Chicago Bear T Shirt then, gave it back. Of course I washed it then waited for him to wear it to tell him I used your shirt as a c rag. Me, I use an old t shirt. Use it for a good week until it looks like a crumpled paper grocery bag and then throw it in the wash. After that you got yourself a wearable shirt again. I'm always looking for new ideas for c rags. I think shamwows would work great. Just soaking up the fun!

Building a Nest vs. Wiping the Seat down

I was always taught to build a nest while taking a poop in public bathrooms (I'm not sure who taught me this, I guess it's one of those things you just learn).. I've been doing it since High School. In grade school I didn't care where my little virgin @ss sat. But with all these stds out there, I don't want to share my butt with some other wierdo's butt. So, I like to build a nest, which is basically layering the toliet seat with tp squares. To be safe, I like to double layer the tp. I mean thats industry standard. But when in im a rush. I'll go with one layer, there's no time to double layer. The only downfall to this is when you go to sit down in a rush, the layer of tp will fall of the toliet seat. You basically create a wind tunnel knocking the tp down to the ground. That's why you have to be prepared to rerack the toliet seat with some freshly new tp. It's a common era we all make, but when the turtle head is poking you better have the toliet paper down.

Apparently, there is new method that is going viral. I guess people are wiping down the seat before they poop on it. I do not have too much evidence to support this method. But ask anyone who reads this to comment on the wipe down method. I'm not sold on this method and will continue to build my nests.

Ginger-vitis

I have this new found goal in life. I'm officially adding this the bucket list. I want to have sex with a Red Head. I have Gingervitis!!!! I wanna screw a Ginger. Give me that Fire Crotch!!!! Imagine just a pasty pale faced white chick with hair as a red as Paul Bunyan. I mean arn't you just turned on? Gingers are like sushi, pure, raw meat, and not too many people like them yet it's becoming trendy. I'm definetly going to a bone a ginger but the end of this year. Add it to the New Years Resolution. Sign me up!!!! Here I come Donna from That 70s Show!!!!!!!!!

See you next wednesday.. btw i post every wednesday. you know its hump day. to me its dry hump wednesday. duhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bloggy Smloggy 2

Intro

I tackle a lot of issues and epidemics that are plauging our nation. A society that is so brainwashed by “the norm”. Newsflash folks there is no norm, “wierd” is what's hot in the streets. Ill thoughts consume Americans each day, yet we just push them down.. down.. in the pits of our conscience, hoping that they never come up. You would lie if you never thought of ill things. The American Wet Dream consumes us. Will I dry up and stop getting wet and achieve the “American Dream” (not sure if I really want to)?

“Touch Screens”

I need to rant about technology right now. I'm no “techie” but I have friends who are. But everything that is electronic seems to be going in the direction of the “touch screen”. Ie. Phones, computers, mp3 players, camcorders, etc. etc. With the simple touch of your finger you can scroll the net, make phone calls, play stupid apps, and text. Well I decided to make the “inappropriate touch” phone. The “Inappropriate” will be the name of this phone. It sounds like a Sprint phone, you know like the rumor, rant, seek, and my favorite the “slut”. Well back to topic using the "inappropriate touch screen phone" you text by using sexual gestures. For example, the “the finger bang touch” allows you to navigate google.com. The “one hand stroke” allows you speed dial friends in your Fav 5. There's also “the hump” in where you touch your penis to the screen and it randomly booty call's a girl in your phone. The “Inappropriate” allowing you to be a man/woman whore all day everyday! This is some phone Cricket would probably endorse.

Movie Games

We have all watched movies. We all have played video games. Think about this. How about merging those ideas into one? I had this epiphany in a dream last night and I had to blog about it. It's called Movie Games. A Movie Game is any movie that is out there but you play the movie like a video game. You can control the actors, change the scenery, and make a whole new movie. This is genius. Why? Did you like a movie so much and then realized, the ending sucked. For example, remember in Bambi, when Bambi's mom died and we all cried. Well in a Movie Game, you can go in and actually kill the hunter that killed Bambi's mom. I think that would be awesome. Or how about in Home Alone. Maybe Kevin Mcallister is never Home Alone and his parents bring him on the trip (but then that movie would suck). How about giving Kevin a machete, machine guns, grenaders, and a cannon launcher to fight the wet bandits. But instead of fighting of the wet bandits, he is fighting terrorists. There are so many options in movie games. Instead of the Sound of Music and I would change into the Sound of Death, make into a horror film and kill all those god awful singers. Movie Games!!!!!!! “Turn a Crappy Movie Into an Awesome Killing Blood Filled Movie”

Hygene Tips

People are so dumb, Why do people brush their teeth before they go to bed? No one is going to smell your bad breath because it's not like there going to talk to anyone, their sleeping. Obvisiously, you arn't going to get any cavaties because you don't eat in your sleep either. Wake Up America! Don't Brush your teeth before you go to bed. This is a hygene tip if you don't have to time in this fast paced society we live in.

Recession Buster

I know we all like a fine 2 ply of tissue paper to wipe with. But if you buy 1 ply and fold it in half, don't you get 2 ply? I'm going to let you think about that one...................... So if you take 2 ply and fold it in half.... guesss what???... you got it! you got 4 ply. Holy crap, I just invented 4 ply! Its like wiping your butt with a cloud. 

 But when I wipe, I basically turn my tissue paper into oragami and get 4 to 5 good wipes on about 4 squares of tissue paper. This is a recession buster folks, beat the recession, save a couple squares means saving a couple of pennies. "Oragami" that tissue paper and wipe away. Trust me! On a 2 by 2 inch of tissue paper squear there's room to skid mark up that tissue up. Don't be scared your going to wipe on the same part of the tp square that you already "skid marked" because it's your butthole. Your butthole is by no means an endearing place of the body. If I had to compare a city in America to the human butthole, your butthole would be Detroit (dirty, rundown, and just plain sh*tty). Thats my poop rant for the day. Wi-Wi-Wipeouttttttttttt!!!!!!!

Words from the wise

We have all been there before unless I don't know “masterbation ettiquette”. So, I think a good time to jack off is right before you go to bed (to kinda put yourself to sleep). After I rub one out, I go right to bed, literally. No washing my hands, no purell, no nothing. Technically, I'm sleeping with my “jack hand”. A “jack hand” is a hand that you jack with but don't wash. So, I'm sleeping with my “jack hand” all night long probably with some "c residue" on it. I wake up the next morning to my stretch, yawn, and of course rub out the eye boogers with my “jack hand”. This is where I go wrong, I'm inadvertly giving myself a “2^nd degree money shot” with my “jack hand”. You know there is some “c crust” on my hand from the night before. There is no way I got it on my “c rag”. I'll take about “c rags” in another blog. I guess what im trying to tell is you, purell them hands if your going to “rub one out” before you go to bed, don't want to give yourself a “2^nd degree money shot”. Words from the wise.

I was supposed to talk about Glucasamine Chrondroitin Complex

I'm taking supplements now. Since I don't have healthy joints, I decided to take a supplement called Glucasamine. I'ts supposed to promote healthy joints, not weed joints you godd*mn stoners!!!. I have bad joints so hopefully this will makes my bones stronger. Not that I need a stronger bone, if you know what I'm saying (a boner for those "who don't know what I'm saying"). I”m sure I can pop off a boner quicker than John Wayne can kill someone in a Western Movie. All im saying is if there ever was a boner contest, I would be an olympian, champion, the best of the best. Im declaring myself the “Micheal Phelps of Boners”. Were not talking about size, I would lose in that category. Were seeing how skillful, tactful, and talented the common man's boner is. Were talking about “sprints”, aka who would get the faster boner from flacid to hard. I would also be good in the “deadlift”, in where you see how many objects (ex. Purses, anything that you can tie on a rope) that you can hold on your boner. “Long Distance”, see how long you can sustain a boner with no pleasurable activity. I give you the “Boner Olympics”. For some reason this probably already exists somewhere, there's so many godd*mn sickos out there. I'm just a dude trying to blog about boners, come on society give a "boner brotha" a break.

Reflection

Well those are the issues i tackled.  How to beat the recession?  In a economy where everything is drying up. Like a tell'em, "Have a Wet Dream".  "Make It Rain" in your pants.  No this is not a Lil Wayne song, but serioulsy "Cream Dem Pants"(which would probably be a good song).  It would be about dry humping a girl and creaming your pants but I guess that dude with the big nose from Saturday Night Live made a song called "jizz in my pants".  Don't write a song unless you did it, that's all I'm saying.  Talk that is REAL. REAL TALK. 

Bloggy Smoggy 1 January 12, 2011

The Return of the Bloggy Smloggy

“American Dream”

By Nude Dude

Intro

Well, I'm not sure when's the last time I wrote a blog. But allow me to reintroduce myself. In fear of this blog leaking to the public, I will not use my real name. I'll go by my alias naked guy aka nude dude but in the end I hoped to clothed guy (the man who wears cloth).

The American Dream

But currently Im 28 years old, have a full time job working with youth, enjoying working out, partying, binge drinking, making music, and playing basketball. I'm single surrounded by many friends who are married, have houses, and dogs aka the “American Dream”.

While my friends are in pursuit of the “American Dream”, I''ve been living the “American Wet Dream”. No white picket fence, No dog or stupid cat, and children with a job at a corporate office. There's no car insurance, health insurance, making payments on time. Living in the now, Having sex without rubbers. The “American Wet Dream” is getting wasted on the weekends, spending all nighters at the casino, and smoking dope with your little brother's friends.

Well, living the “American Wet Dream” will take it's toll, you may lose friends, lonely nights, and lose your insight on life. It's my time to clean it up, so to say, you know air the sheets out. This blog will take you on my journey to live like a normal human being and my quest to be the “average american”.

My Quest..... My Journey... begins to achieve what so many of us desire “The American Dream”................

New Years Resolutions

Happy New Years!!!!! Its the new year and I've made several New Years resolutions. Here's a list take a look at them.

1. No More Gambling at the Casino. Why? I'm sick of losing $100's of dollars, staying up all night with people who shouldn't be gambling in the first place aka the scum of the earth. Im the cheapest person I know. I pinch pennies where I can but I have the audacity to play $10 games of video blackjack. Get a life, me.
2. Stop Eating fast food- Yeah, ok good luck with this one. 3 days in. I destroyed 4 items on the value menu at Sonic. I was at a beer tasting event before I went, so I should get free pass on this one.
3. Being Assertive- Hmmm... we all know im a pushover. Will see how long this lasts? I can see myself at work, making a point to a co worker on how we should do it my way and then be easily persuaded to do it their way even though I probably would've been right. Oh well, life is too short to be confrontational. Might as well take crap from everyone and be liked than being a dickhead who fights everything that no one likes.
4. Having Protected Sex- This shouldn't be a new years resolution, it should be just common sense, to wrap it up. Seriously, I have to make this a nyr. We all know I can't be a father right now, I can barely take care of myself. But I do believe I will be a good father some day. Real talk.
5. No Swearing- This one has a stipulation. Obviously, I won't swear when I'm sober but I can swear when I'm drunk or when I'm having sex. WE all know sex is better when we swear. Imagine me doing you, saying, “I'm going to F**k the sh*t out of your f**king v*gina you piece of sh*t”. Doesn't that sound hot? I mean thats just hot, organic, grimey, and just plain honest love making. No thrill sex. Not love making but bone making.
6. Learning a New Talent- Each month I'm going to push myself to learn a new talent. This month, Is learning how to tie a tie. I know this isn't a talent but being 28 and almost 30. I think its time my rooomate's or my friends' girlfriends stop tying my ties before weddings.
7. Not Masterbating to YouTube Anymore but to Real Porn- That one's pretty self explanatory but for those who don't know me. I have a fetish and search for “white girl booty shake” on youtube. It's time I upgrade my masterbating habits and start watching real porn. Where I jack off to “dude doing a girl” porn. You know, I need to stroke it to some good ol classic porn. Just straight guy on girl action. None of this new age porn (anal, creampie, sleep creep, emo) there's so much smut out there. I mean it's not healthy to be masterbating to youtube.
8. Trimming my pubes- Seriously? Have you seen my bush? Have you seen what I'm working with? This is a mess. I'm going to trim the ol afro down there, once a month. Why not? It'll make my wiener look bigger. It will be a nice, sleek look for 2011. Chic. Trendy. Smooth.

Well see how long I last with these NY Resolutions. The battle begins!!!!

Randy Randoms (A section dedicated to random things that happened during the week)

1. I almost bought condoms from Big Lots. Big Lots is a department store where they sell defective items that they can't sell at real stores more or less. Well, I almost bought 12 condoms for $4.50, then realized lets think about this. I know I'm going to start wearing rubbers but lets not get non defective rubbers. So I decided I'll just pull out until I get condoms, I mean pulling out works, right? Ending result no purchase. I ended up buying random energy drinks, like I really need more energy.
2. A girl at work was talking about how her husband lost his wedding ring because he always takes it off. I responded the only time I'm goin to take off my wedding ring (I'm not married) is when I'm banging a prostitute. She was offended and told me “I hope a girl never falls in love with you!'”. She doesn't drink and is very religious. Oops!
3. I haven't had diarrehea this whole year!!! Lets keep going. It's been 12 days and I'm diarrehea free. The longest streak i've had in years. Not like I ever counted but in years past, diarrehea has stricken my body on a weekly basis. I've learned to live with it like people who live with a mental illness or a small penis. You know you learn to live it.
   
   
   4. Its My Mom's Anniversary to her Divorced Husband. So it's not much of an anniversary is it then?

Outro (Reflection)

I wanted to keep this blog short, short like my wiener. I was debating about saying that but I ended up saying it anyways. This blog will not have a filter. I want it to be a raw blog of who I am. I want you to take a deep look in naked guy's life and ask you “why is he so pathetic?” I hope you enjoyed it. Always looking for new ideas. Please leave your cumments on my blog, I mean comments.

How many times I referenced my small penis in this blog (3 times).