Bloggy smloggy 20

Letter From Editor

I'm letting you guys know that i did not edit this one bit.  I usually edit and look for grammatical errors and spell check contrary to popular belief.  But believe when i say, "this is not edited". 

Intro/Biking

I've been riding my bicycle to work a lot lately. It's been nice to just clear my thoughts and just ride. It's about a 30 minute bike ride, so I get a lot of time to lament. Being that it's a half and hour ride, it does major chafing damage to my ball sack. There is constant friction between my balls and my bike seat. I might wear a maxi pad just to soften the blow. By the time I'm done with my bicycle ride, my balls are on fire from pain. They are tingling, not the good kind of tingle, the irritated tingle. Sorry, gold bond, your no match for this. But I'm doing my part. I'm going green and saving gas but also at the same time I'm increasing my chance of testicular road rash.

For the Love of the Game

So one night before I got ready for bed. I like how we say we have to “get ready” for bed. You mean lie down and close your eyes. Anyways, not the point of this journal entry. I had a hard time falling asleep one night. I realized it was because I had a huge boner. I mean my dick was begging me to jack off before bed. If it could talk it would've said,“please, look at me, down here”. I mean I was rock hard while in my queen sized bed just tossing and turning. Enough was enough. I finally give in and started stroking my meat. I was like “ok, I can do this”. I don't need a magazine or a porno site, I'll just use my imagination. So, a minute in which is approximetly 20-25 strokes, I gave up. Yeah, you heard me. I gave up. This was the first time in 14 years of beating off that I gave up. This was the first time I legitmtly gave up on my own pretense. There has been times where I had to stop in fear of being caught but this was on my own will. Now masterbation analysts are questioning my love for the jack game. I still love this sport, that's all I've known since my tween years. I don't know any other thing. I'm in this for life. So, if your questioning my passion. Think twice because I came back in a fury the next day.

It's National Mastercelebation Week

Here is the list of the days and how you can celebrate each day. Men everywhere celebrate this week yearly. It's a Mastercelebation!!!!!!

Masterbate Monday

Touch me Tuesday

Wack it Wednesday

Touch me again Thursday

Freak myself Friday

Sodomize me Saturday

Stroke it Sunday

How to solve martial disputes

I'm going to solve marriage disputes and lower the divorce rate in this country. You ask me, “How?”. Simple. Give each other head.  Its the lack of going down on each other that's hurting marriages everywhere. Give more spouse to spouse head. Right after work. People say they need to unwind after work. What a better way to unwind than to receive some dome. Next time you see an argument happen just go down. Tell'em Nude Dude sent ya!! Go down!!!

poop texts from my a guy named twat

Here are some texts from a buddy of mine named twat. He likes to talk about poop.

5/17/11 1:20pm- “I just found out you are supposed to use the crapper closet to the door. It is used the least”

5/19/11 7:25pm- “By the way I was traveling yesterday and I held my poo until 8pm”

5/19/11 7:28pm- “3 major poops today”

5/23/11 7:28am- “Think about how much poop you have pooped your whole life. If it was all in one place. Would it fill the whole bathroom?”

He does raise some very interesting and thought provoking questions. Really, think about how much poop you have pooped in your life? How much space would it take and why? I would love to know your thoughts.

Email me with your answers and why at nakednudedude@gmail.com and I'll put them on the next blog.

My Wonderful Weekend

Brewers vs Rockies Tailgate May 21^st, 2011

Me & My Buddy Aaron

3:00pm- We go to the liqour store and pick up a bottle of rum for $7.99, 12 pack of Schiltz, and a flask.

3:30pm- Were in line waiting to purchase $1 tickets. While waiting in line, this one guy calls me out for drinking schlitz. This is coming from a guy who is unshaven, smells like a wet otter, and is drinking Keystone Light. This guy had the audacity to tell me that Schlitz will give me gut rot but his beer, keystone light, is king of all beers. He goes on to tell us that he has 30 Keystone Lights in his backpack, he just got his Masters Degree, and that it's his last day of his bus pass so he has abused the hell out of it.

4:30pm- We tailgate with some friends, play a little bags, eat a few hot dogs, and chum it up.

6:30pm- We head into the game, as my flask is stuffed in my underwear. Yummm..... I love underwear booze!!!

7:30- We fill up our sodas with a flask each. There is about 8 ozs of Rum in my flask, so I dump it all in my soda which was $4.50. We find some random seats in the top row. We are feeling mighty good right now. During our stay in the upper deck, we look 2 rows up, and witness a young man puking in his seat. We talked to the fans next to us and they told us, 'yeah that's the second time that happened”.

He clears two rows of seating as know one wanted to sit by vomit. Understandable.

I lose track of time but we end up bumping into some random older folks. We find out there life story. They've been both divorced and remarried each other. He shows us a viagara pill which the wife does not about. Throughout the convo, this guy is bashing women which is not cool. As the wife leaves the conversation, he refers to her as a cunt. I end up getting this guy's number and give him the link to my buddy's podcast. We eventually leave this “happy” couple and continue our journey at Miller Park.

Later that Evening as Details get Fuzzy at  Nightclub...

-My buddy Aaron buys a round of shots to 3 ladies totaling $50. A few hours later we probably realize they were prostitutes

-I question my sexuality as a gay guy shows interest in me. I like the fact he is giving me attention. I probably lead him on all night. Towards the end of the night that same gay guy throws a whole drink at me and runs out the bar. The bouncer asks me if I know that guy. I decline and take a taxi home.

The End

Bloggy Smloggy 19

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Bloggy Smloggy 18

The First 2 Sentences

Well my blog is legal now, in that if my blog was a girl, you could legally do my blog. Enjoy, you wiener faces!!!

Ennie Meanie Minnie Ho

Who paved the way for teen sluts? Who started the teen slut craze? There has been a lot of debate in my head on who started the emergence of teen slutting. Here are some teen slut icons of our time, dating back to the 80s to the 2000s. It's a subject most writers don't want to approach, in that it's a very touchy subject that the cinematic world often glorifies in there movies. Here are some Actresses that have helped shape and mold High School Sluts in our society today.

Elizabeth Shue- She was opposite of a slut in Karate Kid. Yeah, she was rich and she dated Johnny from Cobra Kai Clan. But eventually she realized the good in Daniel La Russo. But that wasn't until Mr. Miyagi gave him that awesome car. So, in retrospect she is a gold digger not a slut because she didn't give it up to Danny. Good job Elizabeth!

Conclusion: Wholesome, not a ho, but a gold digger which is a attribute of a whore.

Lindsay Lohan- I never wanted to admit it, but d*mn't she's a slut. Just watch the movie Mean Girls. I mean its one of my favorite movies and all, but she was destined for sluttony. I talk about her way too much. She definitely gave new meaning to the teen romance genre.

Conclusion: Druggie, Slut, Drunk, Lesbo. All Ho qualities but I still love you.

Hillary Duff- She really shouldn't be considered in this genre. She has always been the good girl and always will. She was never the good girl turned bad. She is the good girl turned good again. Here's a list of movies during her teens that proves she is as innocent as a butterfly on a Sunday afternoon. The Lizzie McGuire Movie, Cheaper by the Dozen, A Cinderella Story and Cheaper by the Dozen 2. These are all family movies which I have all seen except the Lizzy McGuire Movie.

Conclusion: Your sweet and make family movies for all. She's a girl I could take home to mother. Teen Sluts envy her good girl image thus making high school hoes even more sluttier.

Amanda Bynes- She's on the bubble as teen slut. She got her start on Nickelodeon in shows such as All That and The Amanda Show. Then later went on to begin her movie career in What a Girl Wants and She's the Man. In She's the Man, she played a dude, so not slut like. She's as pure as honey from a jar from Winnie the Pooh.

Conclusion: Not a teen slut, a good role model. Another Keeper in my book. I would go half on a baby with her.

Olson Twins- They've been sluts since Full House. These hos been hoeing out since the invention of Hos. When In Rome, New York Minute, It Takes Two. Those movies were cover ups.

Conclusion: Dirty Rotten Ho Bags!! Your the reason why teen pregnancy and stds are at all time high!

Honorable Mentions:

Raven Symone- Not sure what her motives are, that's why she is a honorable mention. Thumbs Up Ho!

Alexis Bledel- She was a Gilmore Girl. She can suck it. I don't know who she is really.

Mandy Moore- Ehh she dece. She probably made one girl think twice about giving it up.

Selena Gomez- An up and comer. She might give Lindsay Lohan a run for her money for the slut title belt.

And the Winner Is........

Molly Ringwald- The Queen of them all. She was the original Teen Slut. She gave ginger girls hope that they would get laid in high school. She paved the way for the Lohan's, Duff's, and Olsen's. Without Ringwald none of you girls would be slutting in up in these coming to age movies. Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club. This is where it began girls. Do your homework. She is the Godmother, the Saint, the Patron of Whores. Lets give her a standing ovulation I mean ovation.

Suckit List from our Faithful Readers

Well, last week I asked you guys to send me in your Suckit Lists. Why not? Suckit lists are way better than Buckit Lists.

Here is a Suckit List from “The Funny Knipfer”

10.  Jasmine (from Aladdin - I agree )

9.  Any of the Price is Right girls

8.  Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit

7.  Minka Kelly - for obvious reasons

6.  April O'Neil

5.  Mo from GUTS

4.  The hot avatar from Avatar, but I'd rather connect tails than get head

3.  Michelle Obama

2.  Tapanga from Boy Meets World - not present day... back when she was in 4th grade

1.  Helen Keller

Wow! This blows my Suckit List out of the water. I thought I was creepy and weird until I read this. A lot of cartoon characters, a 4^th grader, and a blind/deaf person. I can't top that.  Jessica Rabbit is my sleeper pick in that list. Thanks for the post.

Here is a Suckit List from Kelly

1 Michael Jackson - if he was still living because i bet hes got moves

2 My boss - just to say my boss sucked me

3 A random dirty homeless man on the subway- because he would probably go to town on me

4 Obama -do i even need to say more?

5 Brad Pitt- he is sexier then a bitch

6 Spiderman - the thought of a superhero is sexy

7 Hugh Hefner- he knows every tick in the book

8 Guy from kiss with the long tongue - that's right ;-P

9 The nice man who wax my bikini line - he was really nice down there if you know what i mean, & i would not my mind a little lick from him

10 & i would let you give it a try ;-)

Thank you Kelly for giving us a girl's perspective. I'm a little upset I'm #10 on the list but I'm pretty sure I don't give a good going down on.  I agree with # 3, homeless people do give the best head.  I'm sure they would be trying to find there next meal in your vag rather than pleasuring you though.

Something I Just Thought of

Viagra Falls. Kind of like Niagara Falls. It's a fantasy world of unlimited amounts of Viagra for senior citizens. A society in where rampant senior sexual activity takes place. A place where derelicts just bang, bang, and you guessed it, bang.

Hooters

What's up with waitresses at Hooters? I feel like that's there pre stage to working at a titty bar aka gentleman's club. Which I have no clue why it's called a gentleman's club? Maybe, it's to make the low life losers who go there feel like they belong to some sort of 'elite gentlemen club', when in actuality it's not a club, it's basically a basement where naked women strip. But, I feel like Hooters Chicks are like trying this whole objectify me thing with clothes on before they take the leap to full on degradation. Hooters chicks are like the classy chicks with low self esteem with minor to mild daddy issues. I mean there are some girls at Hooters I would like to see naked at a titty bar. Come on girls, start feeling bad for yourself, have a kid, pay off your college loans so you can support your drug addiction by stripping away your clothes and your dignity, just so I can wave a $1 bill at you (which is probably counterfeit knowing me).

I'm the Biggest Dummy Head in the World

I'm so stupid. I'm the biggest dummy head in the world. I manually used an electronic toothbrush. Half way through I realized how stupid I was, and flipped the switch so my toothbrush could brush my teeth for me. God, I'm such a Idiot. I'm a moron. I'm pile of donkey balls. I'm the dumbest human alive.  I should be given a terminal illness.  I should be buried alive.  I can't believe I made such a goof ball move. When will I learn? I'm a Big Stupid Dummy Head to the 10^th power.

How I Interpret Sayings

What's that saying, I think it goes, “Behind every good man there's a good woman.” I don't know if I believe in that. That would mean the woman would have a strap on dildo and be doing that man. I think the saying should be “In front of every good man there's a woman” then that would mean you would doing her doggy style. Pretty Simple.

Coming Soon... Me, Literally

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Intro/ Polish Sausage

My breath is horrid because I just sucked down a polish sausage.  For some reason I had this urge to have a polish sausage.  So, you know what i did.  I took down that polish sausage and gave it hell.  I totally demolished that sausage.  There's nothing better than a polish sausage in my mouth.  I like polish sausages better than brats, hot dogs, or Italian sausages because they are longer and girthier.  Well, enough of my sausage talk.  Lets get into the blog.

A Bucket List is for Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson's

Screw a Bucket List. A Bucket List is something you want to do before you die. Well, there's not many things I want to accomplish before I die. But I do have a Suckit List. It's a list of all the girls in the world who I want to suck me off before I die.

Top 9 Suckit List (in no particular order)

Lindsay Lohan- In her prime when she was filming Mean Girls.

Kim Kardashian- Before she dated Ray J, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin, and random other Professional Athletes.

The lady from the Nanny- Something about those lips and her voice just excites me.

Erin Andrews- ESPN reporter. So I can say “my wiener was in her mouth” every time she is reporting a college football game.

Betty White- I've always wanted to get head from someone on the Golden Girls.

Jasmine (from Aladdin)- Jasmine is hot and you know it! Way better than the Little Mermaid!

An Old Elementary Teacher- You could tell all your friends you got head from your old math teacher.

Any girl from the Friends- I hate that show! But, most of the girls are hot except Phoebe.

Halle Berry- I respect her too much. I'll let her give me a hand j. Cross her off the list

Obviously, none of these girls are going to give me head, so I'll just default to every girl in the world for my Suckit List. Email me your suckit list and why and I'll post if for next blog. Email nakednudedude@gmail.com. I would like to have a girls perspective, if any girls read this. Please email me with your list.  

Little Things I get Nervous About: Checkout Lanes

I was at Target shopping for a few items, which eventually turned into a lot of items. I was not sure how many items I had but I had a basketful. I was ready to check out and I stared down the “10 items or less” checkout lane with animosity. Do I take the chance and pray to the Gods that I don't have more than 10 items? Or do I just play it safe and go to the regular checkout lane? Well, I tensed up and went to the regular checkup lane in fear of being frowned upon by the Target cashier. I was at the regular checkout lane and counted my items. There were only 9 items! “Godd*mn't!!” I said in my head.” I was pissed at myself, why did i do this?!?!. No worries although the self checkout lane was just as fast the “10 items or less lane”. But, it wasn't about going through the express lane. It was about if I had 10 items or less. This has been the first article about “Little Things I get nervous about”.

Hot Chicks

I was in the mall the other day and I noticed this very gorgeously hot woman. I stared for a brief second and we locked eyes. She kind of smirked at me, so I quickly looked away. Then, I told my friend who I was walking with," look at this chick, she is super hot". We made eye contact again and then she said, “Hey how's it going?” Then it hit me, I know this chick. It ended up being my friend's girlfriend. I knew she wasn't hitting on me. How foolish can I be? Did I really think this chick was hitting on me? But I still got the placebo effect of feeling good that she knew me, even though she wasn't hitting me, nonetheless, I was talking to a hottie mchotterson. I felt great. It's truly awesome to know hot chicks because they sure boost your self esteem. You also feel really cool around them because pedestrians around you might mistakenly think your dating her. Thank you hot chick at the mall for talking to me and making me look real cool at the mall in front of my friend.

Awesome Fact

You know its legal to date someone who was born in 1990 all the way up to 1993. I mean I never thought of the day. God bless America.

No Need to Excuse Yourself

Current Events

Fast Five- I'm not sure how they made 5 of these movies. Somehow... somehow... They are still making Fast & Furious movies. Apparently Vin Diesel is a huge draw. But I'm not surprised at all, I guess. Horrible acting +fast cars+things that blow up+ chicks with big tits+ very little to no plot so the audience can follow and not think about anything+ quirky not so funny one liners that try to be witty + The Rock or Vin Diesel = the greatest movie ever made.

Spam mail

Why is meet mature experienced women in my spam mail? That should be in my regular inbox. I want to meet mature experienced women. Why is Meet Asian singles in my spam box as well? I want to find quality Asian singles. What the heck? I want to find cougars on the Internet. Hey Yahoo! Yeah, you Mr. Yahoo. Stop putting these meet me dating site emails in my spam folder. What if I'm lonely and want to meet singles around the area? I usually just delete my spam folder but not anymore, there's a goldmine of single seniors, cougars, and Asians on this site.

Recession Free Tip of the Week

Don't poop at home before work. I don't care if it takes you 1 hour to get to work. Save that poop for the workplace. Your saving on toilet paper and the cost of the flush of the toilet. Now, that might add up to about 20-30 cents per day but if you do that daily at work. Imagine the savings involved. Your saving a $1 a week, $ 4 a month, and $48 per year. Think of what you can do with an extra $48? You can buy international pornography, an expensive bottle of liquor and drink Manhattan's, or get box of magnums and masturbate in them. You can buy the world!!

Twos