Intro/Poo Poo Go Down the Hole
Man should only poop once a day no matter what his diet is. I and along with my other friends rip 3-4 loads a day. I don't think this is healthy. I don't care how large your fiber intake is. I've come to the conclusion that I diversify my poop into a mini series. So, what I'm saying is, I have one large poop in me, and instead of ridding my body of all that waste in one go, I chop it up into a trilogy. It's not that I poop more than the next guy. I just do a little here and do a little there. It's like I'm spreading the seeds all around town. Maybe, I like pooping in different bathrooms and it's developing into a sickness. Man takes multiple dumps in multiple areas around town. Experience life and try new stalls. Just get out and live.
Pregos
I only date girls with kids now. So, if your single and don't have kids. Don't think about it. You are no longer an option. I will not date you. I will not court you. You are no longer a suitable potential partner in my life. Get some kids and then talk to me.
The Comeback Kid
Ahh... 'The Comeback Kid'. Everyone loves rooting for “the Comeback kid”. However, you never want to be “the comeonback kid”. No, wants to be that kid.
Stuff I Should I Twitter
I should think about becoming a family man. A 3 year old told his parents I would make a good husband.
Updating Old Sayings
We can no longer use the term, “dropping the kids off at the pool”. Literally, we just don't do this anymore. Most kids are with their parents at the pool nowadays. Obviously, this term is in reference to taking a dump, figuratively speaking. But I'm going to update this saying to, “dropping the baby off at the dumpster”. This seems more fitting in the sick world we live in today. So next time, your about to drop a fatty say, “im going to drop the babies off at the dumpster”.
My Wonderful Weekend
Chicago Bed & Breakfast
December 3, 2011
“The Night When Toxic D Struck”
It started with a phone call, a phone call that would eventually leave me with bite marks on my body. I was offered to go to Chicago to visit a good buddy of mine (Dan). He had free tickets to see Adam Corolla. I debated for a day or 2 and finally decided to go. I don't see Dan too much, he works a lot, and is going to be a daddy soon.
I went with my buddy Nik, he was supposed to come to my house at 1pm. It was 1:30pm and he was not here. Hmmm, he called me shortly, “He told me, his car won't start, can you drive?”. I moped for a bit and said, “yes”, then picked him up. I was not happy with the decision to drive and I made it very clear to him. We were a few miles into our trip, as we were on the freeway to Chicago that I tell him, “ I don't wanna drive, lets jump your car, and take it to the shop for a new battery”. He agrees kind of. I tell him, “look at my engine temperature gauge, it's on cold, what if my car stalls?” So, we go back to his house and jump his car with my cables. I'm nervous, he's nervous. We don't know a lot about cars but eventually get his car running. I feel like a man and it feels good. I do get scared when I take the cables off, as I feel like I'm going to get electrocuted. Then, its off to the auto parts store to buy and have them replace the battery. We don't replace the battery, luckily they do it for free. I refer to the man who installed our battery as an Asian Casey Jones (from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). We are finally on our way. It's 3:00pm (just 2 hours off the time we were supposed to leave at).
We arrived at Dan's at around 5ish and gorge ourselves with meat. He buys pork brats, cheese brats, and gyro brats (brats with gyro meat in it). I down 3 brats (one of each) and use the tzatzski sauce on every brat I eat. We play NHL 94 for Sega Genesis for drinks. Ironically, I win the first 5 games but it's ironic because I never play video games and the guy I beat plays a few hours a week. The loser has to chug there drink if they lose, so Nik ended up pounding his drinks. However, I did not lose, so I slowly drank my beer. He finally beat me in NBA JAM, so I finally drank my beer and mixed drink.
Little did we know, all the while playing video games, “Toxic D” was secretly being created. I guess he had a few drinks before we arrived. Toxic D is Dan's alter ego when he drinks. He becomes an animal, a monster, a train wreck. Toxic D gets you to do shots and drink heavily. He also becomes a non functional human being who wants to wrestle everyone who his near him. Toxic D left me with a pretty severe bite mark. He also wrestled and bit Nik
At this point in the night, it was almost 11pm and we wanted to see the Adam Corolla show. We had to dress Toxic D as he was unable to dress himself. So, we took off his Zubaz (yes he was wearing Zubaz pants) and put his jeans on. We dressed him like he was a baby, literally.
We finally made it to Adam Corolla, yet we saw the last 30 minutes of the show. I was not impressed. Maybe, I was still in shock of Toxic D that I couldn't enjoy myself. The show was over and we returned back to his house for some late night snacks. We ate left over Mexican food and cooked a Gino's east pizza. I then went into the guest room and locked myself in it so I wouldn't be bothered. Goodnight.....
Nik woke me up at 8am saying we have to leave. He asked me if I knew where his wedding ring was. Apparently, I put on his wedding ring before we passed out and slept with it on. I remembered trying to get it off the night before but it was stuck. So, it took me about 15 minutes and Pam cooking spray to wiggle this thing off. I was finally free of the ring and our journey home began.
I popped an adderol because I needed to focus on the ride back since I was driving. We were fired up to the tunes of Britney Spears. We listened to all her classics “Baby One More Time”, Crazy, & few other classics. Somehow the conversation turned to “which videos did you masturbate to when you were in high school”. This was before the free streaming porn, so we did what anyone else would do, rub'em out to music videos. We discussed which music videos we did it to like, Sisquo- The Thong Song, Britney Spears- I'm a Slave 4 U, & random Christina Aguilera videos. Somehow, an embarassed me under my breath mentioned Faith Evans. To be more precise it was Faith Evans- I Love You. Nik, probably embarrassed as well, agreed that he didn't the same thing to this video that I did. I wasn't the only one. I was happy to find out that there is someone else just like me.
Here is a link to the video. Enjoy as we did. I want the world to feel what I felt when I watched this video.
Twos...
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