Bloggy Smloggy 50 (50th)

Intro

I wish I had something cool to write for my 50^th blog but I don't. Same old sh*t. Just me blahing away.

If ain't broke don't fix it, right? I like how I talk my blog down before you even get read it. Note to self: that's not a good marketing technique if you want people to read your blog. If turds, testicles, and tits bring the readers then keep typing away.

Wipe Transportation

Have you ever pooped in a bathroom and all the toilet paper was out? Of course you have. Then, you have to waddle to the closet for more tp. But, in my case, I had to go to the other bathroom, because at the place I was pooping at, I didn't know where the back up tp was (but I knew where the other bathroom was). So, I flushed the toilet at the first bathroom I was at and made way to the next bathroom. I slightly pulled my pants up and hoped that no dingle berries would fall out. It was a quick dash to the next bathroom as it was on the same floor . I just had to go through one room to get to the other bathroom. I was the only one home, so it didn't matter if my pants were half way down my ankles. I made it the other bathroom, took a seat, and wiped my butt like I was just dropping a deuce there. Yet, I felt like I was cheating on the first toilet, because I dumped my load in it, and then left for the other toilet for the wipe. Don't cheat on your toilet, wipe where you shat.

Spell Check

I always use spell check on my blog and it seems I always spell the words I use the most wrong. You think after 50 blogs, I would be able to spell diarrhea, masturbate, and gonorrhea. But, apparently I don't. I would like to give a shout out to spell check for making those who can't spell even worse spellers. Somehow, you have cast a “spell” on us. Big Pun intended (I ain't a player I just crush a lot).

More Over Gold Bond

As you know I'm a big proponent of Gold Bond. I absolutely love it, but wait there's a new kid in town. If you thought Gold Bond was good, wait for this. My mom caught me itching away at the old nuts on a typical Sunday afternoon. So, being the mother she is, she bought me the “Tough Actin Tinactin” anti fungal jock itch spray. I feel like jock itch spray is a pre cursor to an std. It's like you don't want to admit you have something but you might, so you play it off like it's jock itch, ya know? It's quoted on the bottle saying, “cures most jock itch”. And I guess if doesn't cure your jock itch then you probably have an std (hmm that would explain all the itching). Here is how you apply this wonderful spray elixir. All you have to do, is shake this baby up, give it a couple of sprays on the all testies ,and your in the clear. Then, what you get is an instant long lasting cooling effect. Thank you “Tough Actin' Tinactin”!

Search Keywords (How people found my blog)

There is a feature on my blog on where you can tell how readers found my blog. Most of you receive this from Facebook, Twitter, or email. But sometimes randoms come across this blog on google by searching “key words”. Here are a few random searches on how people found my blog by typing in these phrases.

“sons who kiss their fathers on the lips”

“moist crum picture gooch”

“american dad the american wet dream”

“events in “boner olympics”

“wasn't swerving I was perving”

“what is the price for a bottle of roxx vodka”

“boner contest”

“how much poop” whole life

So, obviously there are some sickos out there. I'm not sure whose sicker: these creeps who are searching “moist crum picture gooch”, “sons who kiss their fathers on the lips”, and “events in boner olympics” or me the guy who writes about it? Seriously, who wants to see pictures of all that stuff? Oh yeah, “moist crum picture gooch” just turns me on......(sarcasm).

Pageviews by Countries

There is also a feature on where you can tell how many pageviews by country listed. Here is the list of countries and pageviews per country.

Russia 78 views

United Kingdom 53 views

Germany 19 views

Canada 17 views

India 15 views

Denmark 12 views

Brazil 10 views

Australia 8 views

France 8 views

I would like to thank Russia for viewing my blog the most (besides USA). I'm not sure who I know in Russia but thank you if your reading. I would like to thank the UK as well as being a close 2^nd. My biggest surprise on here is India. Thank you India. I will try to write more on Indian issues. Thanks again to all the readers. However, I'm upset that Africa, China, Japan, and Papa New Guinea weren't on this list. I'm coming for you Africa. This blog is international son!!!

Bloggy Smloggy 10 with 117 views.

Here is the link if you want to see why it was the most popular blog.

http://nudedudeadventures.blogspot.com/2011/03/bloggy-smloggy-10.html

Twos.....

Bloggy Smloggy 49

Intro/Muffin Top

I've noticed when I wear slim fitting jeans, I have a muffin top. It's not any ole muffin top, but it's a nice girthy muffin top. It actually made me feel like a self conscious white girl. It must be tough being a self conscious white girl because now I know how they feel. Now, I'm super self conscious when I sit a certain way because my stomach fat sticks way out. I blame the media, magazines, and the Barbie doll. I feel so inferior because the media makes me feel like my body isn't good enough. I'm going to make myself puke now, blahhhhhhhhh.

My New Click (Clique)

I'm starting a new band, club, and/or gang. Let me know if you want to be part of it. It's an elite club of hard heads with true grit. It's called the Rub Club, it's like the Navy Seals of jerking it. It's more like the Muslim Extremists of cranking it because we don't take no for an answer. We are an elitist group that uses military technique to jack off with passion. Let it be known, the Rub Club is here for the takeover!

BJ Rewards Card

Every successful business has a rewards card to keep the customer coming back; Best Buy, Qdoba, and Subway. They usually give you discounts after you have bought so many items. Well, I think there should be a Blow Job Rewards Card. For example, you get 9 BJ's and the 10^th one you get to blow it on her face.

Joystick

Have you ever played the game Joystick? Probably not, because it's a game I made up. Joystick is a game played with yourself. You don't need a ball, accessories, or any sports equipment. All you need is a hard on and a imagination. Sorry girls, this is a dude's only game. Joystick is where you use your boner as a “joystick”. You can play on the couch, in the car, or in your bedroom! It's simple ,grab your wiener and make sound effects. I've played car racing games with my boner! I've played Top Gun with my wiener! And I've even played war games with my penis! Your dick can be anything you want it to be. It can be a car shifter, a machine gun, or you can be a pilot fighter! Joystick is awesome and best of all, it's free!!!!

Fart Wars

This is when 2 people push “fart air” towards each other by farting. This game takes a lot of farting and exertion of the butthole. The competitor is deemed winner when their opponent covers his/her mouth or has to leave the room. Anyone want to play a game of Fart Wars then play Joystick?

Brain Train

When you and your buddies of (5 or more) are getting head from a girl. You are part of what we call a Brain Train. Let's just say you don't want to be the caboose of the Brain Train. Choo Choo!!!

Random Thoughts

-Dude is so ugly he had to pay for a rape.

-When I go down on a girl I spit, I don't swallow.

-Fred Durst aka Fred Wurst

-I have a small dick. My new nickname for myself is “4^th & inches”

-I want to punch the Arby's guy who sings, “It's good mood food!!!!”

-Chorizo in a tube that looks like cookie dough is not a good idea if your battling diarrhea like me.

The Hard Count

This is a classic football term in which the quarterback tries to make the defense jump offsides. However, in the real world, I like to use the hard count too. No, not to many people make me jump offsides. I used the hard count to decipher how many boners I get in a day. For example, “Hey, what's your hard count at?” It's at 16.”

Booze Control

When you drink at a steady pace all night long. For example, “I didn't get drunk last night. I just put er in Booze Control and I had a steady buzz all night long”.

Dr. Appointment

Everyone loves going to the Dr.'s office, right? Actually, everyone hates it. I'm talking about a different kind of “Dr.” appointment. It's actually a Dr. (Dome receiving) appointment. So, next time you say you got a dr. appt. (your actually referring to getting head). That's my new acronym for the week. Make sure you get checked up, visit your local Dr.

Skinny Farts

People who are skinny shouldn't fart with bass. It sounds funny. They should only be allowed to fart in a high pitch noise. Lets be real here folks. That goes with large people too. Your farts should only sound like dub bass. There is no reason your farts should be like “beep”. Let the skinny people fart with the beep and let the large people let out the bass lines.

Twos....

Bloggy Smloggy 48

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Bloggy Smloggy 47

Intro Smintro

Sorry, I didn't post last week.  I'm sure of all you were so displeased.  Did anyone notice? Probably not.  Did anyone care? Probably not.  Do I care? Probably not.  Sorry, I need to self loathe for awhile.  Self loathing is a good way to start a blog.

Lunchables

Who the hell eats Lunchables? Have you seen that crap! What the hell is in that? Do they have breakfestables or dinnerables? They should rename it untouchables. I'm pretty sure if they did rename it “untouchables”, people would still buy it. Ewwww, that's nastyyyy... More like diarehheables

Goin Up Up Up

You know how us guys talk about getting head. We always say, “Hey, did she go down on you?”. We love it when girls go 'down' on us. What if girls went 'up' on us? For example:

dude 1: Hey man, did that girl go down on you?

dude 2: No, she didn't go down on me. But she went up on me.

dude 1: huh, what do you mean she went up on you?

dude 2: oh... she kissed me.

I guess when a girl goes up on you, it's not as cool as when a girl goes down on you.

Big Ballin'

I'm in dire need of a ball reduction. This thought occurred to me on christmas day. Why would this occur to me on Christmas Day? Well, because I was watching sports all day on the couch. It was the first day of the NBA. So,I was watching games from 11am in the morning to 10pm at night. My testicles were mushed between my thighs all day long. I don't have normal 29 year old thighs either. I have what we call “thunder thighs”. So, with that being said, it hurts, because off all the friction and rubbing go on down there. I wish I could have a big bowl of gold bond on a night stand, so everyday when i wake up, i can just dip my fat balls in this bowl of heaven (gold bond). My massive thunderous meaty thighs were squishing my already big balls. Big and big don't go together, especially when its your gigantic nuts with your manatee looking thighs.

In the day of plastic surgery someone could say, "why don't you get a thigh reduction? Well, i like my meaty thighs and it's not going to change the fact that I have titanic testes. How about I just go for a ball reduction. If I get a nut reduction it's going to make my already small penis look bigger. Just as girls get boob reductions, I'll get ball reduction. I still don't understand why girls get chest takeaways?? Why would you take the thing I love the most from your precious chest and throw it away? I guess girls do have a point when they remove there gonzongos because it does hurt there back to lug those flappy tits around town. Maybe that's why I have an aching back. It must be my gigantic testicles.

I hope they have this surgery around, if not, I want some doctor to experiment with my nuts and make my balls smaller. If there are any doctors that will do this I am dedicating my body to science. If doctors are not willing to do this procedure, then f*ck it, I'm calling Rick Moranis. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, literally.

Good Ol Anne

Anne Frank. Good Ol Ann Frank. I developed a new slang term for Ann Frank. She is called Ann Stank. Ann Stank is when a girl farts but you can't find out which girl farted. It's like there hiding there fart from you. Plus, no girl wants to know you know she farted, she is going to Ann Stank that fart, in other words hide it.

My Wonderful Weekend

Christmas Eve Eve

December 23, 2011

There's always that point in a relationship when your in relationship that you have to meet the family. With that being said, it was my turn to meet the family. It was not as hard as I thought actually. I get pretty nervous and sometimes shy around people I don't know, but I guess we all are. So, we arrive at her sisters house and I was immediately offered a drink. They had Rum and Diet Coke. Alas, they had Captain Morgan's, I don't have to drink cheap rum anymore. Wow, this rum is delicious and name brand soda... get outta town.

So, we ate, watched people open presents, played dominoes, and drank. I probably had 8 Rum/Cokes. I was relapsing at a family function. I was feeling nice and buzzed and all my pre game jitters were down the hatchet. Towards the middle of the night, we started drinking Captain Morgan's special reserve. It was 100 proof, yet smooth and delectable.

So, at the end of the night, I was hugging family members, playing with the random kids there, and joking around with their grandmother. Overall, rum quenches social family awkwardness.

Christmas Night

December 25, 2011

Let's fast forward to Christmas Night, because Christmas Day (read above) was me complaining about my big balls. Since, we were inside all day long, we needed to get out. So, my brother, Earthy A, and I went off to the casino. It was the only place open. It was packed, the Christmas spirit was in the air as everyone was spending there christmas cash. I went with a measly $15 which came from scratch offs that I in my stocking stuffer. We ponied up to a black jack table as I tiredly watched everyone play. Then I made my move, I cashed in my $15 and in return I got 3 $5 chips. I had 3 chances to make big winnings, hence it was a $5 black jack table. Boom, I started hitting like crazy and before you know it, I was up $50. I decided to do the smart thing and cash out. There has been many times when I have been inebriated and have been up and lost my winnings. It was 3am when we arrived home.  Christmas had arrived and Christmas had gone.

Twos......