Bloggy Smloggy 53

Intro: Valentines vs. Black History Month

Well, its February, so that means two things: Valentines Day & Black History Month. I feel like Valentines, even though being one day, overshadows Black History Month. You know?? The stores are flooded with red and pink décor trying to sell you Valentines. There are people outside selling roses. There are songs made about Valentines Day. The Internet, media, and news flood you with Valentines Day stuff. People always ask you, “hey, what do you have planned for Valentines Day?” But no one ever asks you, “hey what are you doing for Black History Month?” Look within yourselves and do some soul searching. Do something for Black History Month. If your white make a black friend. I don't know do something. It's a touchy subject and most people don't want to touch it , but I'm going to touch it. Wow, I just wrote my first controversial piece. I'm a true journalist now.

Women's Mags: Read'em Up Dickheads!

I'm starting to read women's magazines like Women's Health and Shape. It's like a secret stash of hot women bodies and great tips on how to keep a firm butt. They also have interesting articles on sex, health, and overall well being. Just because your guy doesn't mean you can't read these. I think it would benefit all men to read these. Get to know your partner, your sister, and your mother a little more. Get to know what hormones are going through their body. Also, a great place to get a quick rub down. Kill 2 birds with one stone.

The Beard Experiment

For those who know me, you know I have been growing a beard since late November 2011. So, roughly I've been growing my beard for 3 months. I always wanted to see how long I can grow it. For those who don't know me, now you know I've been growing a beard. I've been called a lot of names since I've been growing a beard. I wanted to share some of those names with you. The most popular name I've been called is Jesus. Also, I haven't cut my hair since May 2011. I've been called a Terrorist/ Uni Bomber. People will say, “I hope your not flying anywhere”. I've been called Grizzly Adams, a famous outdoors men. I've even been called Santa Clause. I'm 29 years old, I don't look like no Santa Claus. I've been called homeless and even ugly. It's sad to say but the beard experiment is coming to an end. I can not take the mental beatings on a daily basis. I will free myself from ridicule. The new me begins next week.

Days of the Week

Here is my weekly schedule. Every day has a theme. This is my weekly routine.

Monday- Steam Room/Sauna Day. I go here to detox the weekend.

Tuesday- Basketball Night. My 1 day of cardio.

Wednesday- Hot Tub/Whirlpool Day for heat therapy of my achy joints.

Thursday- Wild Card Day. This day doesn't have a specific activity yet.

Friday-Chill Night/High School Night. Do a sober activity because I work early Saturday.

Saturday-Go out Night (Get Drunk). I go out once a week and this is the night I do it.

Sunday- Grandma Day. Hang out with grandma, be hungover, and watch TV all day.

Now, your probably wondering what about poop and masturbate day. Well, those are everyday.

I'm in the “Industry” Now

My Debut Night Doing Coat check at Dicks

February 11, 2012

I made it, I finally made it! I got called up to the big leagues, playing ball with the big dogs. It was my time to shine. It was like I just auditioned for American Idol and they told me I was going to LA. It's the feeling every musician gets when they win a Grammy. It's the feeling you get after your first hand job, and you just want to scream and tell the world.

Tonight, was my ticket into the “industry”. The “industry” is what people in the bar/club business call their job. It's a cool way of saying your work at a bar, club, or lounge. However, according to wikipedia, “industry” refers to the production of an economic good or service within an economy. With all that being said, I work in the “industry. Yes, I want to sound cool.

Tonight, I was doing coat check at Dicks (Pizza & Pleasure Zone). Dicks, is the club I've been kicked out of twice Not only have I been kicked out twice, but pooped at twice or club dumped. With that past “work” experience at Dicks, I was sure to make a good coat checker. Tonight, I had to prove myself worthy and hold myself to the high standards of the “industry”.

The night started off a little slow as it was 6 degrees outside. Of course, that meant it was cold, meaning that people would have jackets, meaning people would check there coats, meaning I would get more $$$$. Coat check is $2 per coat, I get $1 and the 'house' gets $1. By 11:00pm I was up to $4! Can you believe it $4? I made a sign that read, “Tip, if you like my beard”. I've been growing my beard for 3 months now, so it's pretty long. The sign was working, as a few ladies tipped me and then stroked my beard. The fellas tipped me too but they didn't stroke my beard. But I wasn't opposed to them stroking my beard. “Hey! If you tip it, you can stroke it”, that's what I always say. One group wanted my shirt which read “I Love Dicks”. At one point, they tried taking it off me. One drunk birthday girl, tipped me $20. And another guy tipped me $5. This guy kept saying, “my man... my man!!!” I put on his coat like a man helps a woman put on his coat. Then we hugged it out. This guy was awesome. I like this guy. Another instance I saw, was watching this one girl slap another girl's titties. These were no ordinary tots, these were on some Lane Bryant plus size sh*t. Titties in orbit.

Overall, I made some good money and had a good time. But, more importantly, I was a somebody now. I was in the “industry”. People don't understand the grind of working in the “industry”. No, I'm not talking about water street, north ave, or brady street. I'm talking about Milwaukee St where Milwaukee's premier crowd mingles. No longer was I the guy waiting in the line, trying to get in the club, saying I was on the “list” when I really wasn't on the list. I was the guy checking coats. Making sure people had their coats. I played a very integral part of a typical high octane club night in the industry. It's very low brow to put your coat in the corner of the club and not pay the coat check $2. Have some honor, integrity, pride,and check your coat with me. You ain't got no swagger with your jacket in the club. Don't put a dagger in your swagger! Come on now! Call me Swagger Vance!

Stuff I bought with the $ I made Coat Checking

$20 worth of gas

$27 oil change

$5 of Kombucha Tea

$10 at Pizza Shuttle

$15 worth of food at Aldis

Have a great day America!!!!!!!!!!!

Twos............

Bloggy Smloggy 52

Hi................

The Endless Wipe & The Neverending Turd

(read this fast) It happens to the best of us, the endless wipe, when you pushed a good stool out and you think you've got it all out, so your ready to wipe but the wiping never stops, because there is poop stains on your tissue paper, so you have to get up off the toilet seat to increase the chances of the last turd to come out because if you keep wiping with a turd in you, you are basically wiping poop out of your butt, but there is no possible way to just wipe that turd out of you butthole, you have to poop it out, every knows that, but if you did try to wipe the turd out, it would probably take hours and a 12 pack of 2 ply toilet paper and you would clog the toilet or you could flush the toilet 15 times but then you water bill would be high for that month, that's why just save that turd for your next poop, it's already in the chamber, he's ready to go when you poop the next hour anyway, he'll just hang out near your anal cavity, I had to make this sentence a run on so you would get my point, I just put a comma where I felt like it.

Tit Time

A great time for watching titties!

Ugly Couples

You ever see a ugly couple and they just grow uglier together. That's pretty amusing. You know what's more amusing. Watching a hot couple get uglier. That makes me happy inside.

Taxi Dick

Taxi Dick. When a girl is in a taxi and she picks up a guy at a certain destination after a late night of drinking. She is 'horned' up and wants some dick. So, after she leaves the club/bar, she goes to wherever that guy is and picks him up in the taxi. She then pays for the taxi, they go upstairs, and sleep with each other. That is a taxi dick or taxi dicking.

Flatline

I call people who are unresponsive to my conversation, flatline. This is a pun on the medical term, flatline, when people die, and the heartbeats flatlines. Hence, it works for those who are ADD, hard of hearing, or just meatheads who talk and walk like caveman. There unresponsive to anything you say, thus they are flatline.

Dew (Do) Point

Before you do a girl, you always got to check her dew point. You know, you have to make sure there is enough “moist”ure in her “atmosphere” before you put on your “umbrella”. A good meteorologist checks the “dew”point before they go outside. Get it... her do point.

Just Another Day in My Mundane Life

I was unknowing the “driver” in a drug deal until I was in the drug deal. Here is how it went down. My buddy and I were on our way out for the evening. He told me we had to stop at CVS to pick up a dude. On the way there he showed me some drugs and said this is what I'm selling. “Great!”, I'm thinking, this guy has got a “felony” is his pocket and I'm the getaway driver. We get to our destination and the guy is standing outside CVS (which is kind of ironic because it's a pharmacy). I wave like a small child at this guy I do not know and say “it's me, hop in”. So, we do a “lap”. A lap in the drug dealing language is when the “deal” or “exchange” happens. The guy who I picked up checked the “stuff” out and then gave my friend the money. The deal was done. As I was driving, I saw a hot chick, so I beeped to get her attention. We all laughed because a “deal” was going down, and here I was beeping at chicks. Then two blocks later we see another chick and I beep again because she looked hot. Another mishap by a beginner “driver”. However, the deal went down with no screw ups and we dropped the dude off. The lap was completed.

My Wonderful Weekend

Brewery Open House, Beer School, & Club Dumps

Saturday February 4^th, 2012

How do club dumps come about it? I'll tell you, thank you for inquiring. Club dumps start by going to a brewery tour. I recommend Milwaukee Brewing Co. (better than Lakefront Brewery). For $7 you get a tour and unlimited sampling of beers. This a great place for local craft beer. They also have a great staff. Any who, we got there too late for the tour but they let us stay and drink beers for 45 minutes for $5. They gave us an “open house” deal and we got to sample as many craft beers as possible. Do you like how I say “craft beers”? I sound like a beer snob. We down to about 5-6 beers before they close. Mind you, we arrived at 6:15 and drank to 7:00pm. Money will spent as we were “buzzing” like jeopardy, I'll take Drunk Contemporary Americans for 500, Alex.

Then it was off to some friends for more craft beers. In other words, we had another edition of Twat's famous Beer School. We got into some home brew, limited edition, special edition, new edition, expensive, rare, and other micros. As you can see, I was preparing for a large club dump. It didn't stop there, we enjoyed homemade sliders and frozen pizza. I fell in love with a homemade BBQ sauce that a friend made. I put the sauce on everything, even the Mediterranean pizza. BBQ sauce on pizza that has goat cheese, spinach, and other “greek” spices, why not?

It was off to Red Room, a local little DJ spot on the east side. A quaint and cute place for hipsters. I enjoy the dark décor and simplicity. I would go again. There we danced up a small storm, trying to get in some cardio to burn calories. No drink purchase here, just enjoying the moment. Then it was of to Dicks (the hottest club in Milwaukee).

It must've been the calm before the storm because I was feeling great. We now were at Dicks enjoying ourselves bumping into old friends. We pleasured our mouths with a round of shots, not just any shots, but Rumplemintz. Yumm, pure liquid mint. This shot I believe activated the club dump. There was no more food or liquids I could put in my stomach. There was no room left, my body could not hold it anymore. Rumplemintz attacked my body and unleashed the gates.

I made a quick dash to the bathroom, right pass club goers, coat check, and those who enjoyed there late night snacks. The bathroom, to my amazement was open. I locked it (or at least I thought I did) and “boom boom pow” I dropped a “eww nasty”. It was a few minutes before a couple people opened the door. Hmmm, I guess the lock doesn't work. However, I didn't care, I wasn't embarrassed. I just sat there with my elbows on my knees and head down, just trying to get the “agony' out of me. A few wipes and I was outta there.

Just like that I was back in “club” mode and having a good time. But as I was making my way up to the 2^nd floor another strike of pain shot through my stomach. Oh no, could it happen again. Could it be another club dump? Yes, it was, I confirmed another club dump in the 2^nd floor of this establishment. How could it be? I just dumped on 2 floors in 1 bar. I'm the club dump champ! I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who has took a dump on the first and second floor at Dicks in 1 hour, one night, or ever.

I wish know one club dumps. Dumping in the club is not the best atmosphere for dropping an earthy stool.

Twos............

Bloggy Smloggy 51

Intro

Sipping on some green tea about to chuck the deuce!

Grow Your Nails Out (The Woman)

I have long fingernails. I'm not sure why I have them. Is it because I'm too lazy to cut them? Maybe.. Maybe not. Is it because I don't have a nail clipper? No, I have about 3 of them. Recently, a new theory dawned on me as I was contemplating my long nails. This theory involves masturbation. I'm sure if you've read enough of these blogs, you were pretty close on guessing why I have long nails. I grew my nails to that of a woman. Think about it, if I have long nails like a woman, it would appear that a woman is cranking me off and not myself. My hand would be a replica of a woman's hand (soft, sleek, and well done nails). Genius, I'm sure you are thinking. “Why didn't I think of this earlier?” I'm sure you are saying. So, I say to you kind sir, grow your nails out and give yourself a five finger discount. I haven't coined a name for this technique except for “the woman”. It's simple, direct, and gets the job done.

Man Date Episode 1

I went to see a NBA basketball game with a buddy of mine a few weeks back. You know, just 2 pals watching the ball game, no big deal right? However, I spent a lot of time getting ready by trimming unwanted hairs before my “big hangout”. I plucked my uni brow thus making a dos brow. Then, I trimmed my nose hairs to a respectable length. I don't enjoy my nose hairs coming out of my nose. Lastly, I shaped my beard so it looked more like Jesus and a little less Grizzly Adams. I spent a good half and hour on hygiene to just “hangout”.

I went to his house and he had prepared dinner for us. Which was a nice quaint meal, if I do say so myself. Then, we arrived at the arena to watch some NBA action. He supplied the tickets, so I thought it would be nice to buy him a couple of rounds of beers. Or was it a way for me to secretly get him drunk and take advantage of him? Nope, it wasn't, but It would make for a good story. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I snuck in an orange to the game. I think I'm the first person to sneak an orange into a professional sporting event. That orange was good too, you better know that. The End

Dingleberries 3: The Trilogy

This is the 3^rd installment of how to rid of Dingleberries in Bloggy Smloggy. Yes, I found another way to remove these nasty nuances. It's simple if you have the right kind of shower head. I'm referring to a shower head that is movable (you know the one with a “hose attached to it so you can move it around). Obviously, you know where I'm going with this. You simply remove the shower head from its normal shower position, and gauge it in between your butt cheeks. This way your getting a very accurate and steady stream of water blasting away. This method can also be used to clean your “gooch” to remove any excess “schmegma”. I hope I'm spelling “schmega” right. But schmega is the liquid sweat found in the area between your butthole and groin area. You can also get a good testicle cleaning too with the movable showerhead. With a good testicle cleaning, you won't have to worry about gold bonding and tough actin' tinactin. Word to the wise.

Finger Dream

I had a dream in where I was peeing at a restaurant. I don't remember the name of the restaurant but that's not important. What's important in this dream, is that while I was peeing in the restaurant, a stranger slipped his finger in my butthole and walked out. I followed this said man and tried finding him. I asked other bathroom users whose finger was in my butthole? They told me, “the man who had just walked out”. But the ironic thing was, was that I wasn't going to tell this man off or be angry. I was simply going to tell him that it was no big deal that he slipped his pointer in me. This dream scared me because I should've been upset that I had a finger in me but I wasn't. That's what makes me nervous. It actually makes me real nervous. I needed to the air that out.

What are you some kind of Chicken?

“Oh look, he is too chicken to do that” I realize why people call other people chicken if there scared. First of all, I don't think it's fair chickens get a bad rep for being scared of everything. You would be scared too, if your “kind” is slaughtered in the 1000s a day and caged up to make eggs for humans. You understand me. I would live my life in fear if I was a chicken. So, this is why people call other people “chicken”. I've finally found that out.

I Poop Old People Food

I poop like I eat “old people food”, food that is pureed. My poop is a fine puree, like someone took a solid crap in a blender, then hit the puree button. Yep, that's my turds, a pure liquid smoothie like substance.

Trim or Not to Trim....(The Testicle Mullet)

Twos......

Like Pam in Martin, “PEACEEEEEE” (I'm sure only one of you gets that reference, you know who you are)