Bloggy Smloggy 60

Here is a compilation of fun events I have had in the last month.

Aaron and I go see the 5 Card Studs at Brewskis

March 31, 2012

If you don't know who the 5 Card Studs are, I suggest you get to know them. Their website is http://fivecardstuds.com/. You will experience classic 70s movin' n groovin' songs. This band is a classic must see for the young, middle aged, and old. If you like a smooth vocals with chest hair galore come see these dudes.

There were 2 for 1 deals at Brewskis from 8-10pm. So, it worked out perfect. I stuck to beer which I haven't done in awhile. As you know I like my Rum and Cokes. I don't like mixed drinks at bars, too much soda (75% soda/25% booze), you know. Maybe, that's how your supposed to make mixed drinks (not like how I make them though). So, I went with Lakefront IPA. A nice girthy taste to it. I don't like those watered down beers like Miller Lite (no offense Milwaukee). After 8 Lakefront IPAs, I had a nice controlled buzz throughout the night. I'm pretty sure we met the whole band. These guys were good guys, we kept requesting Hall & Oates. I guess we were in the wrong era for a “lounge band”. However, that didn't stop us from requesting Hall & Oates all night. I'm not sure if we annoyed the band or not. I'm pretty sure we did, but they did a good disguising their annoyance with us. Maybe... just maybe... they liked us. Hmmm... that could be a possibility???

It was one of the band mates birthday, so a lady/fan/groupie made him cupcakes. She offered us one cupcake. After that I kept going back to their table and ended up eating 4 cupcakes that night. One random lady offered us her fish bowl. So, we drank that sugar filled drink. Note to self don't buy or accept fish bowls from anyone (unless you like kool aid).

I guess I had bad breath that night because my buddy called me out. So, I asked about 10 different groups of people for a stick of gum, mint, or mouthwash. Nobody had gum or mints. I thought that was the craze. I even told the people “hey my breath stinks, do you have a mint?” I finally got a piece from the bartender, however it was cinnamon, so it didn't work that well.

It was bar time so me and Aaron walk back. He sneaks the fish bowl out for some reason. Whatever... we walk back to his house and deliberate if we are going to the casino. It's either he drives drunk to the casino or order pizza. I say casino but then back out saying I want pizza. Good choice. So, we are drunk talking to the Papa John's employee about what pizza we want. We finally order a sausage pizza and wings then pass out. He gets a call at 2:45am. It's the pizza guy. We wake up and eat the pizza and wings then pass out again.

Milwaukee Brewers “Opening Day” Tailgating

Friday April 6^th, 2012

It has been said that “opening day” to me is like Christmas to others. Meaning, I get so happy with joy like a kid would on his/her first Christmas. As the productive person I am, I always set goals for myself. It doesn't matter what they are, as long as you have goals in life.My goal for opening day was to do 10 beer bongs and eat 5 brats. My plan was to keep a tally on my arm with a green marker. My list started to grow to jello shots and homemade skittles shots. Here is my final tally of shots, brats, and beer bongs.

Arm Tally

Brats: 2 (but the mustard on my jeans says I ate 3)

Beer Bongs: 12 (although witnesses said I did 13)

Jello Shots: 4

Skittles Shots: 5

So, as you can see, I surpassed my goal of 10 beer bongs but I didn't hit my quota for brats. I did do bonus jello and skittles shots as well.

-Jumped into a dumpster for no reason other than it was a dumpster. I did this last year as well. This is now officially a tradition. I just need a clever back story to diving in a dumpster now. It'll go like this “Legend has it that Naked Guy first jumped into the Dumpster in 2011 to “throw away” old Brewer memories and ward off any evil spirits that the Milwaukee Brewers might have. In doing so, the Brewers won their first division title since 1982 and went to the 2^nd round of the playoffs. Now, he has made it tradition. In his 2^nd official dumpster dive “he hopes for a World Series in 2012” Go Brewers!!!

-Saw a dead cat.

-Met a chiropractor (don't remember how) who cracked my back and two of my friends. He said this was usually $40 a pop. At one point he had my friend on the ground in a very awkward position. I gave him beer in exchange.

Milwaukee Bucks vs. Oklahoma Thunder

Monday April 9, 2012

Had a few hits from the “garden of weeden” and the game seemed like it was in slow motion. Our seats were in the middle of a Fatherhood non profit group smelling like that “good good”.

Broke my phone because my slim straight jeans were too tight. I just got my phone 5 days ago, signed a 2 year contract, and declined insurance. Went to a pizza place and ordered bread sticks, a slice of pizza, and Italian hot beef sandwich.

My First Cubs Game

Tuesday April 10, 2012

    Pre gamed with my classic beverage Rum and Coke. I'm sick of Rum and Cokes, so I'm going to start making Bahama Mammas. I had a couple of these at my buddy Alan's apartment. While pre gaming I developed a new alter ego, Bare Wolf. Bare Wolf is a naked and somewhat domesticated werewolf. All I did was put on a werewolf mask and strip to my clothes, and thus the Great Bare Wolf was born! Bare Wolf took a dump at Alan's house, he also greeted Alan's friend when he came to door. Bare Wolf was on the floor on all fours awaiting him howling like the werewolf he was.

Then, it was off to Wrigley via taxi, yet I was not without my mixed drink and flask. I fancied a Sunkist orange soda as my “road soda”. As we were in the taxi, I further stated “my what a great orange soda I am drinking” (in fact it was a rum/coke). 

     We arrived at our first bar, had a couple of beers, I bought a round of 50 cent tacos, and then it was off to Wrigley. I forgot to mention that it was 30 degrees out. We made a super huge mixed drink at Wrigley and left when it was gone. We stayed for 6 innings as we could not bare the cold. We bar hopped throughout the night, mind you it was a Tuesday, yet it felt like a Friday in Milwaukee. There were $2 specials all night all over town. We were drinking Old Milwaukee, Pabst, Old Style, and all the other great American Lagers that night. I tried sneaking a Pabst into a bar and got kicked out because that particular bar didn't serve Pabst cans. Who tries to sneak in a cheap beer at a bar that has $2 beers anyway? 

     So, we went to another late night bar. At this bar, these random girls immediately asked us for drugs. We thought they were cops. I found out they were sisters, one was from Chicago and one was from Hawaii. The one from Hawaii was in her 40s looking for drugs, on vacation, and a “swinger”. Oh yeah... she was a Professor at Hawaii University. 

     At this point, it was around 2am, we needed some eats. So, we went to Clark's (think George Webbs) a 24 hour eatery. We got $30 worth of food, however there card machine was down and the ATM was down. We had no cash but $5, so my brother gives him the $5. One of my brother's friends runs out and get in his car and jets off as he is running out without paying. I follow him because I don't want to get caught either. He speeds off without my brother and Alan the guy I'm staying with. We are 6 blocks away and I get out at an intersection and sprint back to Clark's to meet up with them because I don't know where Alan lives. They are nowhere in sight and I have no cell phone because I left it in Milwaukee. I'm lost and walk back to think where Alan lives. It's been 10 minutes and I'm thinking I might have to sleep outside. But, wait... I hear screaming.. people screaming my name. I run to them and I find them. They told me they took a taxi home and were at their house, then realized I wasn't there. So, they went out walking the blocks screaming my name. I was home, they were home, and we all made it back. Oh yeah, the Cubs lost that night.

Twos.............

Bloggy Smloggy 59

Intro Smintro

I'm going to start saying “for the record”,“you can get me on record saying that”, or “you can quote me on that”. It makes me sound important. You can get me on record saying that.

Cats

Cats are people who play with their smart phones all day being easily amused. They look like cats playing with a ball of yarn. They just paw at their screens all day and all night. Stop playing with your iPhone you felines! Observe and just watch someone play with there smart phone. “Yeah I got this mind numbing app that just wastes my life for me”. I should get you “cats” some kitty litter while your at it.

GF Stuff

If you have a girlfriend she is a slut to you. It's true because she gives it up to you. You can call your gf a whore if you want to because she is a whore to you.

Dick Dial

A dick dial is very similar to the pocket dial or butt dial. However, a dick dial is when you keep your phone in your front pocket and you get a boner. Your boner activates the call just like your butt would activate a call in your back pocket when your walking. In more detailed words, the tip of you boner through the underwear, hits your phone while it's in your left/right pocket, thus calling someone.

Canning

It's the newest craze out there! A couple of friends of mine took our mom's dog for a walk. This was no ordinary walk. He had herb but no smoking utensils, yet we had a beer can. He finished the beer and made a “can pipe”. All you have to do is make a few holes in the middle of the can and place the weed on top of it, then you use the opening to smoke out of. It was around 7pm, so it was still light out. There were 6 of us openly taking random hits from this can pipe in a well to do neighborhood. Be a man and do a can. Do a canny!!

I Do Car Game/ Highway Robbery

You ever play “The I Do Car Game”. It's a very simple game. It's when your on a road trip with a couple of buddies. It has to be at least a 1 hour car drive. All you have to do is, say to your buddy, "the next car that drives by you have to do them". There is no way out of not doing them, you must! Then the game begins and you rotate the cars that drive by. This game is fun for all. It's a humorous game because after 15 minutes of cars passing you by, you have theoretically done a whole bunch of dudes, senior citizens, and a family of 4 (and there dog). Next time you on a road trip play this game.

My Lawyer Friend Gets Drunk at Milwaukee Bucks Game

March 24, 2011

-The first thing we both do is drop a “double duece” when we get to the Bradley Center. A double deuce is a side to side crap in a public setting. I first took “double dueces” in high school before soccer games. Here in the stalls is where we mix our flasks as we are pooping.

We get there at tip off but after we are done pooping, it's the middle of the first quarter.  I bring a 8oz flask for myself and him. He pours the whole flask into 1 drink. That is 8 shots of Rum, 4 Talls, or 8 shorts. However, you want to look at it, it's a lot of Rum. I taste his drink and it tastes like poison potion brewed by some wicked warlord.

-After the game we go back to my car which is parked 6 blocks away from the arena, fill up our flasks, and go back to the bar. We meet a random couple from Chicago who follow us at 2 bars. He buys me a coke so I can mix my drink. I met him as he was peeing on the side of a building. We instantly became friends.

-I saw a kid I used to coach for 6^th grade basketball. He bought me a shot. He is 21 years old now.

-Went to the casino to about 6am and lost about a month's worth of rent. I'm retiring from the casino. I will now play the stock market. Watch out Gordon Gecko!!!! WALL STREET IS MINE!!!!

-He went home but doesn't remember if a buddy picked him up or a Taxi brought him home.

Twos.....

Bloggy Smloggy 58

Holler at this blog....

I'm Mad and McDonalds is to Blame

I'm bitter. I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe... I should wake up on the other side of the bed. Maybe.. I'll start the day off right then. I was very angry at the cars in front of me turning into McDonald's. I started wishing death upon them. “Yeah, turn into McDonalds. I hope you die from eating a cheeseburger. I hope you all die from eating that crap” in very sinister like voice that was as loud a whisper. Real pissed off people don't yell (they whisper there dark thoughts). Not that I really care what people put into their bodies. But it was just sickening watching all these people scurry into McDonald's to get there “feed” or “mush” like a bunch of cattle. If you eat at McDonald's, I'm going to call you cattle. Because that's what you do. You graze the land like cows and then stuff your f*cking mouths with sh*t.

I pass tons of McDonald's a day and see the same results. People just swerving there way into the drive thru. People by the masses just flocking to get their happy meal. There's nothing happy about that meal. You get a few fries, a squishy burger, and small soda. Oh yeah, you get a toy that is made from a cheap plastic mold. I wonder what would happen if I took a bazooka and threw grenades and destroyed half of the McDonald's out there. There would be an outrage, riot, chaos, I tell you. I have no respect if you eat this crap (that's not saying a lot because I don't have respect for myself).

Also, if you eat at McDonald's, stop complaining that the burger you buy for $1 doesn't look like the commercial. You get what you f*cking pay for! You want a good burger, go to the store, buy one, and learn how to make one you talentless f*ck! People always complain that this doesn't look like it on the commercial. Well, maybe it's because they have Corky from Life Goes On making your burger. Do you think the high school kids who work there give a f*ck about your Big Mac?

I think employees there try to make the sh*ttiest food out there to see if you (the consumer) will still come and buy it. The joke is on you! How many times have you got soggy fries, the pickle on top of your cheeseburger, or a shake that looks like someone took a sh*t in it? Probably 90% of the time. Yet, you still go there like the f*cking cattle you are. Cattle doesn't give a sh*t what there snack wrap looks like, as long as it's good. Go f*ck yourself. Actually, go f*ck yourself on a mound of Big Macs and 49 cents cones. F*ck that 49 cent cone! Go buy some milk and freeze it!

Entreprenuer Move of the Week

I'm probably the worst salesman out there. But I'll never turn down the chance to make a quick buck. It started when I went disc golfing a few weeks back with no discs. So, I scoured the course looking for discs and happily found 6 discs. Hmmm... cha ching!!! I could turn these discs into profits! And I did! I went to the local Play it Again Sports to make a deal. I brought 4 discs in and he offered me $2 a piece. Bada bing bada bo. I just made $8 while you read this article. Get at me. I make deals. Now, I have $8 to go drinking with.

Poop Water

I just made a revelation, we drink the water we poop in. Theoretically, the toilet water that you defecate in, is the same water you will eventually drink.

I Need To Get A Life

I spent an hour looking for a Hall & Oates cover band to play at my wedding and I'm not engaged (and I don't know if I even play to get married). There only a few Hall & Oates cover bands out there but I think “The Maneaters” from Atlanta, Georgia will do just fine.

Stuff I Should I Tweet

I want a tandem bicycle and ride it by myself. If that doesn't scream despair, loneliness, or loser then I don't know what does.

I was at a bar for an NCAA tournament match. I ordered 2 waters and tipped the bar tender $1. You know your ballin' when you tip $1 for free water.

Don't go to a Dinner and Bring these (Yet bring them to a Potluck, Going Away Party, Retirement Party, or Tailgate)

Store Bought Shrimp Circle w/ Cocktail Sauce in the middle

Store Bought 7 Layer Taco Dip

Store Bought Cookies

Store Bought Cheese & Sausage Tray

Food I wish I Ate Still (College Food)...

Pizza Rolls, Mozzorella Sticks, Ramen Noodles, Spaghett0's, Canned Ravoli, Frozen Burritos, Fish Sticks, Taquitos, Bagel Bites, Hamburger Helper, Rice A Roni, Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets, TGIF Spinach & Artichoke Dip, Jalopeno Poppers.

Those were the F'in days. Pop it in the microwave and you got yourself a meal.