Kentucky
Derby Weekend
May
4 – May 7, 2012
Intro
I
went to one of the greatest sporting events in the world.... the
Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby is one race, and has been dubbed
the “most exciting 2 minutes of action”, unless that is your
having sex with me. Not quite though, it's not that exciting. The
Kentucky Derby takes place in Louisville and draws many tourists.
There was over 130,000 attendees at the derby and I was one of them.
We got tickets to the “infield” for $40. However, I saw about 5
seconds of live horse racing, as you can see nothing from the infield.
They had a few big screens, but those screens were just as good as a
black and white analog Zenith television. Here are some highlights of the
weekend.
6
Hour Road Trip to Louisville
Friday
May 4, 2012
-I
only had 1 boner on the boner count. Lowest boner count in road trip
history when I started counting my boners in 2003 via Spring Break
North Myrtle Beach.
-Ate
3 bananas.
-My
buddy Lamar had Wendy's and McDonald's. He also bag which included 3
oatmeal pies, hot chips, jolly rancher chews, 2 Snapple's, and flaming
hots which he called his “black man survival kit”.
4th
Street Live
Friday
Night May 4, 2012
-Pre
gamed by drinking Kentucky Gentleman whiskey. When I bought it, I
asked the cashier if this is good whiskey, he gave me a look and
shook his head no. I bought it anyways.
-I
had 7 homemade pork tacos for dinner.
-Had
to run to the bars because of thunder, lightning, and pouring rain.
Stopped at a PNC ATM terminal and took pictures with random folks
-Snuck
into a club that had a $20 cover through their patio. Picked up a
random drink that was sitting on the table to make it look like I was
in the club already.
-Ordered
one cola the whole night because I snuck in a flask. I mixed the
drink right by the bar.
-Got
a dude's number from Chicago because he liked me a lot. I took his his hat and started to dance with it. No homo.
-On
the way back to the apartment we were staying at, I picked up aluminum cans so that I could scrap them
for money. I ended up with 4 cans.
-Found
my buddy Lamar in the shower on his hands and knees before we went to
sleep. He said he just needed to relax while the shower was running.
Kentucky
Derby
Saturday
May 5, 2012
-Made
2 baggies of whiskey to sneak into the Derby because drinks are very
expensive there. I crotched it and made one very warm Coke &
Whiskey since it was blazing hot. It was so warm I didn't want to
drink it. I still had some leftover whiskey in my baggie that was in
my underwear. It slowly leaked through my underwear and shorts. I finally threw the bag on the ground. I wonder if anyone picked up the ziploc bag of warm crotch whiskey.
-I
wore jean cut off shorts, Schlitz jersey, and broke sandals. People
took pictures with me, called me Jesus, and one guy hugged me. One
person offered me $20 for my Schlitz jersey. Another guy praised my
beard and said in a drunken stupor, “I just love your look, the
beard, the hair” as he braced my hand.
-Saw
a mud fight with two chicks who later got arrested for indecent
exposure
-I
saw 2 cops throw a girl on the ground and smash her head into the
grass, because they at first pushed her away and then she threw her
drink on the cops.
-I
saw a random guy I play softball against. He asked me if I was from
Milwaukee and I said yes. Then asked if I play on Wednesday Nights
and I said yes.
-I
won $150 on betting 2 random horses to win back to back races.
Chill
Day in Louisville
Sunday
May 6, 2012
-Ate
Kentucky Fried Chicken in Kentucky. Yes, I can finally say that.
It's way different there because I didn't get diarrhea from eating
it.
-Went
to the mall and played chess with life size pieces.
-Stayed
in and watched basketball games.
-In
the middle of the night, while I'm sleeping on the air mattress,
Lamar joins me on the bed. Mind you, he had a whole couch to himself
and he was sober and he snores really loud.
Road
Trip Back to Milwaukee
-I
recorded 3 boners on the way back. I'm getting my swagger back!!!!!
Twos.............
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