Bloggy Smloggy 7

F an intro, lets just get into this nitty gritty.

Sex Resume

I know a common joke when people are single is, “Now Accepting Applications”. Yeah, I understand the whole “accepting application joke” but do you think I want to date you. Who are you? I could understand if your a super model, then yes, by all means you should probably weed out the stalkers and creepers. But you are simpleton, probably a busted up looking turd. But despite if your ugly, don't shave your armpits, or stink, I think sex resumes should exist. Someone's facebook page is kind of like an informal resume of a person. But I'm talking about like a real sex resume in where all your ex's, one night stands, and friends with benefits are accounted for.  I think this would be a great match making tool or match breaker, you'd realize how many sluts are out there and how much your boyfriend/girlfriend has lied to you about your past. No girl is going to tell how many dudes she's blown. And no guy in his right mind is going to tell you how many girls he has banged. I think a sex resume would help solve this problem. Here is an example of a sex resume

                                                                     Sally Sue

                                                                  444 Fourth St.

                                                               Whoreville, USA

                                                (666) 699-6969 sallysue@doingdongs.com

High School Education:

Made out with a guy in freshman year. Did some heavy petting and major grinding at High School Dances my Sophmore Year. Then my Junior year I gave head to the High School Quarterback in 2002. My Senior Year I reverted back to more heavy petting and almost got to 3^rd base.

College Experience:

Lost my Virginity at the Apha Beta Omega Frat Party in 2004 as a Freshman at UW. This is when things started getting hot and heavy. After losing my virginity I really became a college slut. It is not known my total number of guys “raw dogging” me, but I guess my numbers range from 15-20. All of which were on the basketball team because I was such a “jersey chaser”. Threesomes and gang bangs were the norm in my college days. Hee hee!!

Work Experience:

I got my major in business because that's what all sluts do, duhhh!!! I first was the hot intern who would go out and have one night stands living life to the fullest. Then I became the naïve office slut who slept with my boss. But then the CEO of the company found out so we were both fired. Actually, I did him because he promised me a higher position in the company but he lied. So I found a new job and decided I would settle down. I was 24 and married a guy my friend introduced me to. Now I have 3 beautiful children, a well to do husband, and a loving family.

REFERENCES UPON REQUEST

Now this is more of a narrative driven sex resume but you get the point. Knowing all this information before you dated this person, you would probably wouldn't to marry her like this fool. You would probably would just want to do her.

Ways to Break Up with A Girl

This is a 3 stage process that will get you out of any break up. Step 1) Tell her you have a std, like gnorhea (something that's curable so she'll be upset but not like I want to kill you upset). If she loves you then she will come back, but remember you don't want her to come back. Step 2)Then if she does come back you have to up the ante a little higher. Tell her you have something like herpes that you got from a thai whore. Not curable, but you live with it for life. This is a good way to rid of an annoying broad. Once again she is deeply in love with you (you can't shake a hoe off), so she forgives you and comes running back. Step 3) So, this is where you pull out the big guns and tell you have full blow aids from having sex with a monkey while on a safari in Africa. If she comes back even after that (which she probably will because she has a horribly low self esteem). Just Kill her. No not really I'm not sure haven't gotten to stage 3 of the break up system yet.

0g Trans Fat

I'm sick of seeing marketing strategies on food labels that say 0g trans fat. Especially on food items that are healthy (fruit, veggies, and grains) Yes, I realize a banana has 0g trans fat. Even if it had .5g trans fat I would still eat it. It's a God*mn Banana!! I should market my penis like that it and just put a little sticker on saying “rich in antioxidants and 0g trans fat”. Or the sticker that says, “Peel Me” or “Eat Me”. Man... my penis would be a hot buy.  I would get so much dome.

Babies with Friend Babies

I have a friend with kids and her daughter is 3 maybe 4 years old and she had this candy.  I was like where did she get it all this candy. She responded, “from her friends for valentines day”. How does a 3 year old have friends? Does the 3 year old call her 2 year old friend to go suck on some pacifers? Watch spongebob? Go to the tot lot? Apparently playgrounds are called tot lots now (I don't really want to get started on that) I didn't know they could have friends at that age. I'm sure a 3 year old barely knows her who her mother is. I could see the mom being like, “Be careful who you hang out with” “I don't want you hanging out with the wrong babies”. “I heard those babies are sharing bottles”. Or “Be home by curfew. Curfew is 2:00pm in the afternoon for your nap, You better not be late or your going to rocker and no Dora the Explorer either!!” At 5 there savvy with the computer, they have cell phones, and working a part time job at kiosk in the mall. Kids grow up so fast these days.Babies with Babies Friend.

EBT

A fictional story of how one would use EBT in a conversation.

Man 1: “Hey Man! What's your EBT?”

Man 2: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Man 1: “I'm talking about your EBT. You know.... Your Estimated Boner Time. Its the time that elapses when you see a girl, a porno, or inaminate object that will give you a boner. When you get a boner from point a (flacidness) to point b (bonerness)”.

Man 2: “Oh... ummm...I've had boner the whole time you've been talking”

Man 1: “That's gay man!! Get away from me”

That's all... man...

Bloggy Smloggy 6

Reflection

Well “The American Dream” is far fetched and even further away as my job is in limbo. I have found out I have 60 days left at my place of employment. I can reapply for a newly created position or I can fall into the pits of the “American Wet Dream”. With that being said, I'm not sure. But don't fret loyal readers my blogging days are long from over. The VP of Blogging hasn't shut me down and told me I couldn't blog (my one true passion in life). If I can't type about boners, skid marks on my underwear, and doing Ms. Piggy, I don't know what I'll do with my life. I pray to the Blog Gods they don't take away blogging.

Courtesy Flush- Lets Rethink this Courtesy

I know I should do this, but I don't, and that is the courtesy flush. I don't believe in the courtesy flush. The courtesy flush is an outdated practice. Yeah, I could see you doing the courtesy flush in the 80s when flushing mechanism's were soft and gentle. But we live in the age of the industrial power flush where flushes are unpredictably rapid. Every time I courtesy flush, toliet water hits my balls. I realize I have some big nuts but imagine an old dude with some hangers. I almost guaranteed his balls are inches from toliet level water. I'm sure if I'm grandpa wanted to dip his balls in toliet water, he could. I could see him just marinating his balls in some “poo stew” but I don't really want to talk about my grandpa pooping or his balls in a toliet. In retrospect, I don't want “nasty dirty fecal water mixed with urine” hitting my balls. That's why i'm againist the courtesy flush. You can deal with my horrid scent. That's why man invented aerosal, candles, matches, blue 2000, and scented toliet pedals. Take that and flush it down your toliet.

Facebook- It's a Book of Faces.

Is facebook really a social network? Is socializing really considered, in your room by yourself with the door closed looking at photos of your friends, stalking a girl you like, or liking someone's comment. Hmmm.... last time I checked that was being a frickin voyuer you sick twisted bastard! Socializing is going out, talking with friends, enjoying a beverage, being out and about doing recreational activities. I never thought surfing the web while on facebook was a social network. Your not on the internet highway, your a hitchhiker trying to get a lift. Maybe an anti social network. Facebook is probably decreasing the amount of peeping toms in the world because now there a click away. Which is good, people can peep from their rooms and not do it the old fashioned way and look through people's windows. I guess were all cyber peeping toms now.

Digital Cruster

If your looking for some hilarity go to my guy's website to listen to smut radio done right. He does podcasts. Great for a long drive or if you have a office job (great to listen to while filing and doing clerical work). Why not file some papers and listen to Henze Bomb talk about booze, pot, and cheap hookers. Please check out the link and support a local cruster. http://digitalcruster.libsyn.com/

Bad Ideas

-Blogging about how I made a drug deal in a previous blog

-Buying produce from aldis ( a low end food store)

-Owning a pink plastic penis

Man Man

I'm full of man drama. I'm a man diva. Basically, I'm a chick in a man's body. I listen to “poon tunes”. I have man periods but as we know I don't bleed from my mangina, I bleed from my butthole. That's it. I just made a discovery. I don't have hemmrhoids, its my man period. In fact, guys don't have hemmrhoids, its there man period. Think about it but we don't have man pons (tampons) for our b holes though. I have a man stick. You can put man in front of any word and it becomes masculine. For example,

“Look at those man boobs.”

“Did you smell that man fart?”.

“Wow, that's a lot of man cum!”

“Look at that man woman”

“I totally took the biggest man poop today”

These are just everyday things we say with the word man in front of them. You know everyday phrases that you hear everyday.

Practice Abstinence or Have Sex with Dudes

You know the term that doctors, nurses, and/or fighters of stds what are they called oh yeah abstinence users. They always say, “You know every person your girlfriend has slept with, you have slept with.” WTF!!! That means if my future wife had sex with 5 people, I've had sex with those 5 dudes. So your telling me I've slept with more dudes than chicks. So, if I have a one night stand with a chick who has slept with over 20 dudes. That means having a one night stand where I thought I was only sleeping with one chick. In fact its turn out that 2 minutes of me thrusting that girl turned into me sleeping with 20 dudes. Godd*mnt! Godd*mnt! I was just looking to plug a hole, and now I've slept with the sleeziest dudes in the Midwest. If this is, in fact a true sexual equation, I've had more sex with dudes than Ricky Martin. Well, I hope there isn't scientific evidence that backs this statement. If this is a true, shouldn't I be sleeping with a hot hetersexual dude because he probably has banged tons of hot chicks. So then, that means I've had sex with all these hotties. I can just go to his facebook page after I banged this dude and look at all his hot chick friends that he banged and just imagine I banged all of them.  

Rob Schneider is Awesome!!!

This could be the greastest site of all time! www.robschneider.com One of the great comedians of our time. Move over Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, and Seth Rogen. It's Rob Schnieder!! He just released a comedy album is on tour and you know that I will follow him on Twitter. He also has got a new sitcom on CBS. I just got a instant boner.

Youtube Video of the Week- Anti Drug Ad by the Turtles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTYXZ0qZZEA&feature=related

F Valentine's Day

What a joke of a Day. I hope all you so called happy couples have a crappy time. I hope you don't enjoy your day at all. I hope you get flowers from your significant other and the flowers are dead. I hope the cook at the restaurant your eating at spits in your food. I hope you both have heart attacks. I hope you lose your job on valentine's day. I hope you get a stuffed bear with one eye, a broken arm, and it gets run over by a car. I hope you get dumped. I hope you lose the feeling of ever being happy again. I hope your friends defriend you on facebook. I'm not bitter at all.

Scream don't Holla!!!

Bloggy Smloggy 5

Intro

I really didn't think I wasn't going to make it to Blog 5. Happy Cinco de Bloggo! A) I thought most of you were going to stop reading, probably most of you already have and I'm just amusing myself by writing this blog. B) I didn't think I actually had that many views on “pervertism”. Pervertism is a religion, a political view, a way of life. It fights the ideals of the Conservative Party and the American Dream. Perverts around unite! Were renegades of the perv game! Like a good friend of mine said, Were “Perving and Swerving!!!!!”

Girls and Spicy= Spice Girls!

This is what I hear from 99% of girls, “OMG!! It's too spicyyyy! I don't like spicy foods! Eww, that's spiccccyyyyyy!!!!” Shut up and Eat it! If I told you its helps speed up your metabolism and help you lose weight, would you eat it? Of course you would. I could tell you if drinking my pee or inhaling one of my farts would make you lose weight, you would do it. Everyone is always looking a way to shortcut weight lost. But I'm here to talk about spicy food. I don't understand why girls don't like spicy food but they can get on there knees, blow some guy and cum guzzle his “seeds”. Last time I checked “man juice” is spicy or so I heard. It's sweet and sour, it's more sour than sweet actually but (let me reiterate it's from what I heard). I'm just saying if your going to blow some wieners and swallow, you might as well eat spicy food. And then there is the girls that say, “OMG, I love spicy food. Yum Yum Yum!!!” Now I know these kind of girls love giving head but still not my point. These “girls” who think they like spicy food are the ones that think medium sauce at taco bell is “raging hot”. No, your wrong! Step your game up! I'll give you some hot spicy sauce. I don't blame you for trying though.

My new favorite gift!!!

I was given the greatest gift last week. Can you guess? No, not a fleshlight but it's up there in needs. I mean wants. For those who don't know what a fleshlight is, it's “faux vagene” in the shape of a flashlight. The only reason I don't own it is, it's too expensive and my hand has not once not worked, broke down, or malfunction. I've never had a “hand malfunction” during a “jack session”. If I aint broke, don't fix it. Well back to my new favorite gift, my mom bought me da da duh!! Gold Bond!!! I've been going at my nuts like a farmer tilling his crops. I mean I seriously have a problem. It's like a need a back scratcher, a rake, or a till machine to turn everything over and start with fresh soil (new pubes). Gold Bond is like dipping your balls into a river of freshly stirred Kool Aid. It's a tingle that can't be beat. I recommend Gold Bond. Masking the fact that you might, just might have crabs. In retrospect, gold bond might be “crab food” that you sprinkle on your balls like you would sprinkle some tetra fish food flakes in you aquarium. That tingle could be the crabs eating your gold bond. I was going to end with the sentence, “I recommend Gold Bond” but I guess I wasn't satisfied with the end result, so I had to tie in some stds in there to really give this article some flare.

I don't need a Doctor (I just self diagnose)

I'm notorious for self diagnosing myself with diseases. So far I have fought a bout with scabies and won. I've been through a lot. I'll let you know when new ones occur. But I have a new disease and its called hemorrhoids. I think i've had this since 7^th grade when I first saw my bloody stool. I've been off and on wiping my butt with tp what looks like “dried candy cane stains, the old school red and white peppermint ones. Seriously, its look some hot tamales got stuck in my underwear or bag of cheetos blew up in my underaroos. It looks like there was a tomato fight in my boxers. I'm sick of this mess. Obviously, i'm making references to anything that is red (aka blood) which resembles my crack. Warning please don't read this section (this would've been more effective if I put this as the intro sentence). Because I know your getting images of underwear that it looks like it went through the Revolutionary War. It looks like my underwear was in the movie Gladiator. So, now you should get the point.

Things I should say on Twitter

-I sometimes go through the car pool lane when I'm feeling lonely.

-If I guy has herpes shouldn't it be called himpes

-Next time I have sex with a virgin. I'm going to call it Her Opening Day!

Hey Jim Henson, I had sex with one of your Muppets, B*tch!!!

Remember My Wet Dream about Ms. Piggy. Well, now you do. Well I guess I don't have to say much, other than I was doing Ms. Piggy doggstyle in a dream and came in my undies. Or was I doing her froggy style and I was Kermit? No, I wasn't Kermit, I was playing myself in my dream. I guess you could say that was “bone in ham”. “I raw pigged her”. “I bare baby back ribbed her”. “I porked her”. “Lets just say I glazed that ham” “I fried that bacon” These are sex references about doing Ms Piggy because she is a pig and ham comes from a pig. Enough of the metaphors but seriously Ms. Piggy is thick, she's got nice perky tits too (probably b cups). Let's just say Dr. Suess' Green Eggs and Ham its not about green eggs and ham. Obviously that's a sexual reference about Kermit “hence making Ms. Piggy's eggs (embroyo) green with his green frog seamen” and “Ham” is a reference to Ms. Piggy. She is a fricking ham. No more explanation. This is Fact. This is Truth and Cannot be Debated. Everyone knows that. The End

Pranks of the Week

The Sprinkler

This is a classic gag that no one has probably ever done. It's called the Sprinkler not to be confused with the ever so popular dance move. The Sprinkler is when you have just gotten out of the shower and you vaguely dry yourself. Then as your walking to you room, you go through the living room while one of your roommates are watching tv. As you pass them, you fling open your towel, swing your body in backward motion then as your nuts are swinging back you thrust forward. As your nuts are moving forward and eventually hits its peak height your “nut water” (water from your balls) will fly toward your roommate. You can do this as many times as possible as long as you have “nut water” on your balls. The only way your roommate can get out of this gag is to say “no thank you”. If he doesn't not utter those words, he is free game to sprinkle. This is a timeless classic that never gets old.

“Where's the Bathrooom? Where's the Bathroom?”

Another great gag is to go into your roommate's room before you take a shower. Drop your towel and tell him, “Wait a minute this is not the bathroom....Where is the bathroom? Where is the bathroom? I must've taken a wrong turn”. Keep on pestering me and walk closer and closer as your naked. This is another classic timeless gag that always gets laugh.

Bloggy Smloggy 4

Intro

I think i gave my self a concussion last week.  I hit my head on a door leaving the bar.  The next day I felt hungover, so i neglected the fact that it could've been a concussion.  But 3 days later, I still feel a lil woozy.  I mean my head was bleeding.  I don't need to hit my head and lose brain cells, I need those.  I'm running on empty as we speak.  I want the American Dream but If i can't open doors without hitting myself.  This is the second time I did this to myself.  I have a door phobia.  I hate doors.  I want to live in a world free of doors.  I guess you can call me a "Doork".  Hopefully that will be my only corny joke.

Recession Proof (Taking Expired Medicines)

I took Nyquil that expired 2 years ago in March 2009. That means I'm taking medicine from the last decade. I've been feeling ill but I wanted to stick it to the man and not buy new medicine. So the pack rat that I am, I knew I had some nyquil in the closet. Don't worry I googled “Is it ok to take expired nyquil? The source I read said that most medicines keep up to 10 years, so I knew I was in the clear. I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, so I knew it was working. In Closing, If you have old medicine don't throw it out, use that sh*t!

Salt of the Earth

I'm sick of the Nation we live in. In where we salt every god*mn piece of food we put in are god*mn mouth!!! We are a country that can't enjoy a potato unless it has 5-10 shakes of salt. We are ridden with sodium. Does anyone know what real food taste's like anymore? Like the food we eat, isn't processed enough. “Oh hey, needs a lil salt” “A dash of salt” “D you have any salt for these french fries that I know the cook just salted..... yeah it needs a lil salt”. I'm hating on salt!!!! America enjoy your food with a lil white crystal, I call it “crack food seasoning” for the “food junkie”. Salt is for de icing the snowy streets in winter.

Organic Food

I like organic food, I'm for organic food, but I don't like how its become a marketing trend. Did you know everything “back in the day” like “back back in the day” was organic. Yeah no hormone injected animals, vegetable sprayed with pesticides, or heavily processed foods. Do you think Jesus and the Jews were eating Lean Cuisines, salad pre mixed in a bag, or chickens injected with growth hormones? Probably not, there were eating organic. I mean the life expectancy was about half it is now, so I'm really not making a point. I'm just sick of hipsters going to Whole Foods and eating organic, raw leafy vegetables, and free range grass fed beef. I don't want beef to taste like grass, give me a cow that eats other cows (that's like double the meat). Then, theres people who say organic food is too expensive. F U!!! You can spend your money on a shamwow, a shakewieght, or a slap chop but your not going to buy food that will aid in a healthier immune system. Screw yourself, I hope you die.

Sorry for the health opinion. It's not like I'm anyone to listen too. I'm pretty sure binge drinking is bad for your liver and not a good health option. I could argue that if I was drinking organic beer. Since, its organic it must be good, right? Yeah like organic fried chicken is just great for you. How about organic chitlings? Yum Yum Yum

Things Girl's Say That I'm Going to Start Saying

What Girls Say

“OMG!” Guess What?!?!? “I can't believe I just gave it up to Bobby last night.  I feel like such a slutt!!”

How a Boy Would Say It

Imagine a dude saying “Yeah, I gave it up last night”  "I felt bad, she bought me dinner and flowers... so i felt like i owed her sex" and then having regrets about it. Yeah..ok....(sarcastically)were dudes will take anything that breathes, has udders, and a hole to “throw it in”.

or

What girls say

“OMG!! I forgot to take my birth control pill last night”

How a Boy Would Say It

"Man I forgot to put a condom on last night. I'm so worried  Should I take plan b!!  What Should I do?"

Aka he would be like "Man I did her with no rubber! Awesome Man!!!!!

I guess girls, always start with “OMG” when they begin sentences.

Pre Wrap

Trust me. This is going to be the hottest trend that is going to sweep the young and responsible drinking crowd. That is pre wrapping! Pre Wrapping is the art of a putting on a condom before you go out. It's a full proof method against unwanted pregnancies and stds. All you have to do is put a condom on before you go out and get drunk. That way when it comes to boning a chick later that evening, you will already be wrapped up. Don't worry about the little things about going to the bathroom or a flacid penis. I haven't gotten that far. I plan to test it out this weekend. I'll let you know when I work out the kinks. Maybe, ill poke a hole in it, that'll work. Don't be left out, Pre Wrap!!

My First Drug Deal Kinda.. Sorta... Not Really... Actually Not at All

Well some guy at work wanted me to get him some painkillers like vicodin. So, I know a friend of a notorious drug dealer in Milwaukee. I don't know if he is notorious but it makes the story sound better. So, my guy at work wants some pills, so I'm thinking he wants a couple of painkillers. He puts in a order of 20 vicodins. I'm thinking this is way too big for my first drug deal. I thought I would start with an eighth of pot or something, not $140 worth of painkillers. I pick up my friend “Earthy A” (friend of drug dealer) and we go to pick up the drugs. As were driving, I ask him the gameplan. You know were about to make a “big score” here. So, I tell him, I'll wait in the car and if I see cops, I'll honk the horn twice. He chuckles it off and says, “come inside for the experience”. We get into the house and make small talk with one of Milwaukee's Most Feared Drug Dealer aka a college frat boy who could've passed for Pauly D from Jersey Shore. He offers me weed, so I don't decline and smoke pot. After 3 or 4 hits I'm ripped, I'm high as the heavens right now. I forgot why I even came to this dude's house in the first place. But we talk about the transacation and the deal goes down. Boom, I made my first drug deal. But if you think about it, I was the middle man for this drug deal. I made no money, put myself at risk if the cops pulled me over, and there also could've been a “drug bust” while I was there. All for hooking up a friend at work. I guess I wanted to feel like a villian. I wanted to fill like Al Pacino in Scarface. Don't we all??? In review, I guess I made a good middle man. I would give my drug dealing experience a 7/10. There's some drug lingo I need to work on but I feel like I really connected with the drug dealer with my personality. I feel we will have more successful drug deals in the future. I look forward to working with you in the future. Case Closed.

Weed Hangovers Man......

The next day my guy from work picked up his drugs. I had a weed hangover, these do exist. You are there physically but mentally you are hollow as pumpkin. You feel dumb as rocks, not sedimentary rocks but a igneous rock. Igneous rocks are dumb as hell, hence why I felt dumb. Whatever, metamorphic rocks are the best because any rock can become a metamorphic rock. Now that's some heavy sh*t. Sedimentary rocks are only estimated to be only 5% of the total volume of the crust anyways. So skip those rocks too, literally. I thought I would tie in some rock history.

Outro (that kinda doesn't make sense, you have to be in brain to understand)

I'm a pushover.. a get outta my way and move over... but most of all a hangover not to be confused with hungover (like as in im hung because I'm not.. but I"m over being hung for example I know I'll never be hung.  I'll let ladies like me for my charm not my c*ck). Actually..I'm all over...