Bloggy Smloggy 5

Intro

I really didn't think I wasn't going to make it to Blog 5. Happy Cinco de Bloggo! A) I thought most of you were going to stop reading, probably most of you already have and I'm just amusing myself by writing this blog. B) I didn't think I actually had that many views on “pervertism”. Pervertism is a religion, a political view, a way of life. It fights the ideals of the Conservative Party and the American Dream. Perverts around unite! Were renegades of the perv game! Like a good friend of mine said, Were “Perving and Swerving!!!!!”

Girls and Spicy= Spice Girls!

This is what I hear from 99% of girls, “OMG!! It's too spicyyyy! I don't like spicy foods! Eww, that's spiccccyyyyyy!!!!” Shut up and Eat it! If I told you its helps speed up your metabolism and help you lose weight, would you eat it? Of course you would. I could tell you if drinking my pee or inhaling one of my farts would make you lose weight, you would do it. Everyone is always looking a way to shortcut weight lost. But I'm here to talk about spicy food. I don't understand why girls don't like spicy food but they can get on there knees, blow some guy and cum guzzle his “seeds”. Last time I checked “man juice” is spicy or so I heard. It's sweet and sour, it's more sour than sweet actually but (let me reiterate it's from what I heard). I'm just saying if your going to blow some wieners and swallow, you might as well eat spicy food. And then there is the girls that say, “OMG, I love spicy food. Yum Yum Yum!!!” Now I know these kind of girls love giving head but still not my point. These “girls” who think they like spicy food are the ones that think medium sauce at taco bell is “raging hot”. No, your wrong! Step your game up! I'll give you some hot spicy sauce. I don't blame you for trying though.

My new favorite gift!!!

I was given the greatest gift last week. Can you guess? No, not a fleshlight but it's up there in needs. I mean wants. For those who don't know what a fleshlight is, it's “faux vagene” in the shape of a flashlight. The only reason I don't own it is, it's too expensive and my hand has not once not worked, broke down, or malfunction. I've never had a “hand malfunction” during a “jack session”. If I aint broke, don't fix it. Well back to my new favorite gift, my mom bought me da da duh!! Gold Bond!!! I've been going at my nuts like a farmer tilling his crops. I mean I seriously have a problem. It's like a need a back scratcher, a rake, or a till machine to turn everything over and start with fresh soil (new pubes). Gold Bond is like dipping your balls into a river of freshly stirred Kool Aid. It's a tingle that can't be beat. I recommend Gold Bond. Masking the fact that you might, just might have crabs. In retrospect, gold bond might be “crab food” that you sprinkle on your balls like you would sprinkle some tetra fish food flakes in you aquarium. That tingle could be the crabs eating your gold bond. I was going to end with the sentence, “I recommend Gold Bond” but I guess I wasn't satisfied with the end result, so I had to tie in some stds in there to really give this article some flare.

I don't need a Doctor (I just self diagnose)

I'm notorious for self diagnosing myself with diseases. So far I have fought a bout with scabies and won. I've been through a lot. I'll let you know when new ones occur. But I have a new disease and its called hemorrhoids. I think i've had this since 7^th grade when I first saw my bloody stool. I've been off and on wiping my butt with tp what looks like “dried candy cane stains, the old school red and white peppermint ones. Seriously, its look some hot tamales got stuck in my underwear or bag of cheetos blew up in my underaroos. It looks like there was a tomato fight in my boxers. I'm sick of this mess. Obviously, i'm making references to anything that is red (aka blood) which resembles my crack. Warning please don't read this section (this would've been more effective if I put this as the intro sentence). Because I know your getting images of underwear that it looks like it went through the Revolutionary War. It looks like my underwear was in the movie Gladiator. So, now you should get the point.

Things I should say on Twitter

-I sometimes go through the car pool lane when I'm feeling lonely.

-If I guy has herpes shouldn't it be called himpes

-Next time I have sex with a virgin. I'm going to call it Her Opening Day!

Hey Jim Henson, I had sex with one of your Muppets, B*tch!!!

Remember My Wet Dream about Ms. Piggy. Well, now you do. Well I guess I don't have to say much, other than I was doing Ms. Piggy doggstyle in a dream and came in my undies. Or was I doing her froggy style and I was Kermit? No, I wasn't Kermit, I was playing myself in my dream. I guess you could say that was “bone in ham”. “I raw pigged her”. “I bare baby back ribbed her”. “I porked her”. “Lets just say I glazed that ham” “I fried that bacon” These are sex references about doing Ms Piggy because she is a pig and ham comes from a pig. Enough of the metaphors but seriously Ms. Piggy is thick, she's got nice perky tits too (probably b cups). Let's just say Dr. Suess' Green Eggs and Ham its not about green eggs and ham. Obviously that's a sexual reference about Kermit “hence making Ms. Piggy's eggs (embroyo) green with his green frog seamen” and “Ham” is a reference to Ms. Piggy. She is a fricking ham. No more explanation. This is Fact. This is Truth and Cannot be Debated. Everyone knows that. The End

Pranks of the Week

The Sprinkler

This is a classic gag that no one has probably ever done. It's called the Sprinkler not to be confused with the ever so popular dance move. The Sprinkler is when you have just gotten out of the shower and you vaguely dry yourself. Then as your walking to you room, you go through the living room while one of your roommates are watching tv. As you pass them, you fling open your towel, swing your body in backward motion then as your nuts are swinging back you thrust forward. As your nuts are moving forward and eventually hits its peak height your “nut water” (water from your balls) will fly toward your roommate. You can do this as many times as possible as long as you have “nut water” on your balls. The only way your roommate can get out of this gag is to say “no thank you”. If he doesn't not utter those words, he is free game to sprinkle. This is a timeless classic that never gets old.

“Where's the Bathrooom? Where's the Bathroom?”

Another great gag is to go into your roommate's room before you take a shower. Drop your towel and tell him, “Wait a minute this is not the bathroom....Where is the bathroom? Where is the bathroom? I must've taken a wrong turn”. Keep on pestering me and walk closer and closer as your naked. This is another classic timeless gag that always gets laugh.