Bloggy Smloggy 7

F an intro, lets just get into this nitty gritty.

Sex Resume

I know a common joke when people are single is, “Now Accepting Applications”. Yeah, I understand the whole “accepting application joke” but do you think I want to date you. Who are you? I could understand if your a super model, then yes, by all means you should probably weed out the stalkers and creepers. But you are simpleton, probably a busted up looking turd. But despite if your ugly, don't shave your armpits, or stink, I think sex resumes should exist. Someone's facebook page is kind of like an informal resume of a person. But I'm talking about like a real sex resume in where all your ex's, one night stands, and friends with benefits are accounted for.  I think this would be a great match making tool or match breaker, you'd realize how many sluts are out there and how much your boyfriend/girlfriend has lied to you about your past. No girl is going to tell how many dudes she's blown. And no guy in his right mind is going to tell you how many girls he has banged. I think a sex resume would help solve this problem. Here is an example of a sex resume

                                                                     Sally Sue

                                                                  444 Fourth St.

                                                               Whoreville, USA

                                                (666) 699-6969 sallysue@doingdongs.com

High School Education:

Made out with a guy in freshman year. Did some heavy petting and major grinding at High School Dances my Sophmore Year. Then my Junior year I gave head to the High School Quarterback in 2002. My Senior Year I reverted back to more heavy petting and almost got to 3^rd base.

College Experience:

Lost my Virginity at the Apha Beta Omega Frat Party in 2004 as a Freshman at UW. This is when things started getting hot and heavy. After losing my virginity I really became a college slut. It is not known my total number of guys “raw dogging” me, but I guess my numbers range from 15-20. All of which were on the basketball team because I was such a “jersey chaser”. Threesomes and gang bangs were the norm in my college days. Hee hee!!

Work Experience:

I got my major in business because that's what all sluts do, duhhh!!! I first was the hot intern who would go out and have one night stands living life to the fullest. Then I became the naïve office slut who slept with my boss. But then the CEO of the company found out so we were both fired. Actually, I did him because he promised me a higher position in the company but he lied. So I found a new job and decided I would settle down. I was 24 and married a guy my friend introduced me to. Now I have 3 beautiful children, a well to do husband, and a loving family.

REFERENCES UPON REQUEST

Now this is more of a narrative driven sex resume but you get the point. Knowing all this information before you dated this person, you would probably wouldn't to marry her like this fool. You would probably would just want to do her.

Ways to Break Up with A Girl

This is a 3 stage process that will get you out of any break up. Step 1) Tell her you have a std, like gnorhea (something that's curable so she'll be upset but not like I want to kill you upset). If she loves you then she will come back, but remember you don't want her to come back. Step 2)Then if she does come back you have to up the ante a little higher. Tell her you have something like herpes that you got from a thai whore. Not curable, but you live with it for life. This is a good way to rid of an annoying broad. Once again she is deeply in love with you (you can't shake a hoe off), so she forgives you and comes running back. Step 3) So, this is where you pull out the big guns and tell you have full blow aids from having sex with a monkey while on a safari in Africa. If she comes back even after that (which she probably will because she has a horribly low self esteem). Just Kill her. No not really I'm not sure haven't gotten to stage 3 of the break up system yet.

0g Trans Fat

I'm sick of seeing marketing strategies on food labels that say 0g trans fat. Especially on food items that are healthy (fruit, veggies, and grains) Yes, I realize a banana has 0g trans fat. Even if it had .5g trans fat I would still eat it. It's a God*mn Banana!! I should market my penis like that it and just put a little sticker on saying “rich in antioxidants and 0g trans fat”. Or the sticker that says, “Peel Me” or “Eat Me”. Man... my penis would be a hot buy.  I would get so much dome.

Babies with Friend Babies

I have a friend with kids and her daughter is 3 maybe 4 years old and she had this candy.  I was like where did she get it all this candy. She responded, “from her friends for valentines day”. How does a 3 year old have friends? Does the 3 year old call her 2 year old friend to go suck on some pacifers? Watch spongebob? Go to the tot lot? Apparently playgrounds are called tot lots now (I don't really want to get started on that) I didn't know they could have friends at that age. I'm sure a 3 year old barely knows her who her mother is. I could see the mom being like, “Be careful who you hang out with” “I don't want you hanging out with the wrong babies”. “I heard those babies are sharing bottles”. Or “Be home by curfew. Curfew is 2:00pm in the afternoon for your nap, You better not be late or your going to rocker and no Dora the Explorer either!!” At 5 there savvy with the computer, they have cell phones, and working a part time job at kiosk in the mall. Kids grow up so fast these days.Babies with Babies Friend.

EBT

A fictional story of how one would use EBT in a conversation.

Man 1: “Hey Man! What's your EBT?”

Man 2: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Man 1: “I'm talking about your EBT. You know.... Your Estimated Boner Time. Its the time that elapses when you see a girl, a porno, or inaminate object that will give you a boner. When you get a boner from point a (flacidness) to point b (bonerness)”.

Man 2: “Oh... ummm...I've had boner the whole time you've been talking”

Man 1: “That's gay man!! Get away from me”

That's all... man...