Bloggy Smloggy 16'

My Super Sweet Sixteen 

Yippy Yip Yipper Do!!!! Number 16!!  I hope my daddy buys me a new car and throws me the biggest party so everyone will talk about it. I'm going to wear the prettiest dress to my party and be the envy of all my friends. I love being the slut of attention. OMG'ERS enjoy my bloggy. Later Sluts!!!!!

Scared to be Gee

I'm scared to be gay. Why? You might ask. Because every time I go into a men's locker I'm scared of looking at a dude's penis and then getting aroused. But at the same time, I'm curious to see how big there dongs are. I just want to see what a big wiener looks like. That's not gay, is it? I mean bigger is better, right? In theory, I might be slightly below average. I like how I say might in the previous sentence when in reality I know I am slightly below average. I'm not saying you should feel sorry for me. All I'm saying is, that I'm frightened to look at locker room one eyed monsters, in fear of being gay by getting turned on.  I guess that's called homophobia. More like boner phobia, when a straight man gets hard by looking at another man's flacid penis. I don't know anymore. I feel like I have a point in this. I'm sure there are others who feel the same way I do. You know who you are.

I bought my first bottle of wine (please read sarcastically)

I'm uppity. I'm chic. I'm trendy. I'm glassy. I'm a wine snob. I look down on you. I bought a bottle of $2.99 wine called the Winking Owl. It's a Merlot. No Big Deal. Full bodied, slight aroma, hint of vanilla. Bold yet Shy. Sassy but naive. You know this is wine talk. You guys don't understand me. This is above your head. Obviously, this pairs well with steak, pork, or pasta. Subtle flavors of black cherry and mixed berries. Best when served between 55 and 60 degrees. I mean I enjoy a nice glass of wine after work, while watching a CBS sitcom show solving a sudoku puzzle. Ba ha ha ha(rich arrogant laugh) Get on my level and cash in those miller lites and start drinking an arrogant intoxicant like wine.

Awkardddddddddd........ “The limping man”

I was at work and this guy was limping in the hallway. I felt like I should've broken the ice, so I said, “So did you sprain your ankle?” He responded in disdain, “No, I got shot”. Then slowly hobbled away. I didn't know what to say. I just stared blankly at his response dumbfounded but what he just said.

Random Fact of the Blog

I love Tim Tebow so much that my check card image is of the Denver Broncos.

Bieber Fever

When did all these high school kids want to get there hairstyle after some Canadian Teenager named Justin Bieber? I guess they realized they could all be getting hj's with that style of cut. I'm sure since they got there hair styled after Bieber, they've been getting way more heavy petting than they ever did before. I'm sure there getting 5 handy's per month now. Get a life, teenagers who copy Bieber. Define your own self and your own style. Stop trying to look like a middle aged lesbian aka Justin Bieber. I guess if that style works, maybe I”ll get the Bieber.

$841.00 Later

Remember when I went to the hospital for stitches in my hand for my birthday last year.  Yeah, that was $841.00 in hospital bills after insurance.  $841.00 Later......

Things normal people do that I don't do very well: spitting

I just realize I suck at spitting. A couple of days ago when I got out of my car. I spit and it landed right on my shoe. What the heck? Should I start swallowing? Or should I continue to spit? Then recently I was in the shower and hocked a lugie (aka spit) on to my pubes. What the heck again? I know my pubes are a pretty big target but they don't extend that far out. I have a problem spitting on myself. Maybe I'm sub consciously degrading myself every time I spit on me. It could be that I have a self poor image. Or I just don't have a strong mouth structure to projectile flem from my mouth. Either way I need to learn how to spit. This also happens when I try to spit out of the car window. It usually ends up all over the back window or in worst cases the backseat.

My Wonderful Weekend

I went to my second Milwaukee Brewers Game of the season. I don't remember much but from what I'm told is I made a deal. I ended up selling an old Brewers jacket for $28.00 that I found cleaning an apartment when I worked for my friend's dad who owned rental properties. At first the person offered me $20, then I upped it to $25, but then I got courageous and said $30. He said sure and bought it for his fiancee and gave me a $20 bill and a fistful of dollars that totaled $28. So, I took the money and made out like a bandit. I don't make a very good business man or do I?

Suckingham Palace

I want to go to a magical place called Suckingham Palace. I need say no more.

Poop Not Sh*t

Well, it didn't even take one blog for me to resort back to my favorite subject. I told you I can't run away from this. It keeps calling my name. I need it. I'm addicted. Well, what if the word sh*t didn't exist? What would we say instead of sh*t? Well we would say poop, duh. Here is every phrase that we use the word sh*t in, but substituted with the word poop. I don't swear so I say poop. 

Here's the list.

you poophead, your poop of out of luck, ahh poop, that's horse poop, the weather is poopy, bullpoop, what the poop?, I got to use the pooper, i'm sick of dealing with this poop, your full of poop, you can't bullpoop a bullpooper, poop is going down, that's some good poop, poooppppp......, poop's hitting the fan, what a poopy ending?, it was a real poop show, ain't this some poop, I don't have time for this poop!, your on my pooplist. I got to drop the bigget poop, poop is getting deep in here, that's some real poop., stop pooping around.

If you have anymore please add them to my list. I thought I covered a lot of phrases with sh*t in it.  This is literally a pile of poop (phrases).

Deep Thought of the Day

poop smelled backwards is poop but sh*t spelled backwards is this

Bloggy Smlogyy 15

Intro

I've decided not to talk about poop in this blog. So, if your upset about this read no further but I know your a poop enthusiast like myself. But I've come to realization that poop is easy to talk about and I've already explored the wide world of dumping to every extent. I have no more to say about fecal matter. It's actually been a sad day, when it dawned on me. It's like when Brett Favre retired from football. I'm going to retire from blogging about poop. It's my passion but what more else can I say about diarrhea? Enjoy the first poop free blog. 100% no poop! No Additives! No Trans Fat in this Blog. I'm detoxing this blog. This Blog is Poop Free Straight from Whole Foods.

I love groupons!!

I bought my first groupon. Doesn't a groupon sound like a senior citizen orgy? Groupon, it's like a group getting it on. I wonder if senior citizens still have threesomes or groupons? Do you ever wonder that? No, you probably don't! Your not as twisted and/or sick as I am. Imagine an old people threesome, how slow and laborious that would be? It would take forever for penetration and climax. Someone would die from all the excitement thus making it a twosome. Just think of all there saggy body parts just sagging all over there place. All that loose skin just hanging out. I wonder if they or when they do come, the guy;s penis just coughs up. Anyways, no segway to the next sentence. I bought a groupon to a sushi place called Ginza. I love eating the sush. Raw fish is amazing. Eat the Sush! Go ahead, go down on some Spicy Tuna Rolls. Enjoy your sush, don't let the wasabi burn you though.

Prime

Michael Jordan was in his prime in 90s when he was playing with the Bulls. Tiger Woods was in his prime in early 00s. In every sport there is always an athlete that's in there prime, in where that athlete totally dominates their sport. Prime doesn't have to be something you describe an athlete's greatness or something you do before you start the lawnmower. There is also, someones sex prime, in where he/she is killing the sex game. Just absolutely slanging beavers left and right. I mean your sex prime can come anytime of your age: high school, college, or young adulthood. I mean I know guy's who were destroying nana in there high school years. Yeah, I get it, “in high school you were the man homey”. But now they have nothing to show for it, but “remember back in the day”. Sometimes, your prime won't hit until the 30s, when you scoop all the divorcees with low self esteem who just need a good romping. Or maybe your prime will come when you turn a senior citizen and your just demolishing “oldies but goodies” or should I stay smashing “the oldies and there goodies”. All I'm saying is don't worry if your a born again virgin or if your a virgin because your prime will come. But as I said, your prime might not be until your an old weathered man who is hooked up to oxygen machine.

The New Gunt

If you have a great aunt, she would be your gunt if you combine those words. If you have more than 2 great aunts, you would have two gunts. Obviously, gunt has a whole different meaning on urban dictionary but I guess that's the beauty of calling your great aunt a gunt (it's the symbolism). So, next time you see your great aunt, you'll probably utter these phrases, “I can't wait to see my gunt today! I haven't seen my gunt in years!” “I wonder if my gunt got any bigger since the last time we got together”

Why Do we Do this?

Why is it that when you always see someone naked your eyes are drawn right to there private parts? It seems to never fail. I'm not sure if its human nature or curiosity. It doesn't matter how busted the naked person your looking is, your going to look. You curious to see how long those floppy tits sag, or how low those beef curtains droop, or how gross those old man balls are. Next time you walk by a naked person, you'll catch yourself gazing at there “no no spot”. It's innate behavior that can't be ignored. I guess you want to see how you size up against the average man. Or you want to compare your girlfriend's titties to the next girl. It's not like I see naked people everyday but when you do on TV, porno, or any other visual technological advice that emits photos of naked people, your going to look at there thingies.

Sorry Bob

I felt bad I used a Bob Marley T Shirt as a c rag. For many reasons, he's a dude, a great musician, and he's dead. When I first wrote this sentence, I just put, “I felt bad I used Bob Marley as a c rag” and didn't insert the T Shirt part. The sentence took a whole new meaning. It appeared to the reader that I used Bob Marley as a c rag which would be utterly disgusting and perverted on all new levels. Don't worry Bob. We be jammin!!! I'm chanting down Babylon in the name of I and I, Jah Rastarfari!!!!

My New Life Goal: Theater Head

I've heard of people doing it in the movie theaters, which sounds outrageous. How does one do that and get away with it? Well, I'm not that adventurous but I would like to get theater head. I'm looking for some theater head while watching a lame movie. Just laying out at the Budget Theater getting dome to Eat, Pray, Love. Man that would be heaven and a slice of cherry pie on the side.

DWB

I think all of us have drove a little buzzed up from time to time after a night out of drinking. We probably shouldn't have driven in many cases, but we were too cheap to split a $10 cab ride home. Really $10 bucks? Yet, we were cool with paying $4 a pint of Miller Lite in a half washed glass. Wisconsin is ridden with DUI (Driving Under the Influence) offences. There's too many to count. But there's a more threatening plague out there. There has been a sudden wave of DWB's (Driving With Boner). I'm guilty of this offense which to this date is not illegal, just looked down upon as immoral. I've been getting DWB's since I got my license, luckily I haven't been pulled over. Fight DWB and “change the oil” before you go out. DWB's have been on the rise literally and only you can stop them.

420 Mannnnnnnnn......

man the font was in bold, i took bold font off now its not bold. whoa im high im really high um i smoked weed i smoked k2 umm idoont know go weed day! its 4 20 man. what if it was not four twenty but if was fortytwo zero. get or four hundred and twenty. it wouldnt be 4 20. that is deep stuff i dont think u guys r on my level u guys dont know anything now. im a higher being i feel like he man in master of the universe. he was really strong and he had a big sword that was i like him a lot. i like grilldor to. he made laugh. he was a funny character as well spoiler alert. he man saves the world. and courtney cox parents are still dead. but they died in movie. spoiler alert. grill dor knew the notes to make machine work. that chick hot. the end. go rent masters of univere with he man and courtney cox

420 Mannnnn portion of the blog was written by a stoned man, actual types were written.

Bloggy Smloggy 14

Intro

What a better way to start a blog than talking about my pooping habits. I”m pretty sure I start every blog with something about pooping. I'm not sure how I keep thinking of different ways of pooping but I do. Pooping is pretty simple. You sit there and wait for excrement to exit your body. But when your me, it takes on a whole new meaning. I take pooping to the next level. I would like to think of myself as wizard of pooping. An Expert. A professional in my field. So without further ado. Let's get into my new article.

Toilet Talk (Squeezers, & Superman)

Everyone poops. But does everyone poop the same every time they poop. No, absolutely not. You have different types, shapes, flaccidity, color, and pressure types. Pressure type is the amount of pressure you have to exert to squeeze a turd out. Too much pressure on the anal is unhealthy and probably will cause some booty defect. Less pressure, the more healthy your stool is. In fact, your stool should just fall out. But if your like me, that isn't the case. If your like me, your a squeezer. Squeezer's don't have it easy because in most cases, squeezers spend 15-20 minutes on the toilet. That 15 more minutes that shouldn't be pooping. Squeezing leads to the “Christoper Reeves Syndrome”. Basically, your on the pot so long that when you do get up, you lose feeling in your legs, and you can't walk. Your legs fall asleep from the lack of blood flow because your exerting all your energy on your squeezing techniques in the anal area. Let nature take it's course and don't squeeze like your trying to get the last of the ketchup from Heinz bottle. You don't want to end walking like Christopher Reeves (because doesn't walk because a) is he paralyzed and b) he is dead) after you “chuck the 2”.

When I see the McDonalds logo I see an “M” like everyone else. But not today, I looked at the “M” as two very very perky tits. I mean, in weird way I was just turned on by a logo. Literally, “Im loving it”.

Take a look at the “M” in a abstract way and it looks like a pair of some surgically vertical perky tits from the future. Like on some inverted saggy tits from 2050, where boobers point upwards towards the gravitational pull of the moon and sun because of global warming. That sounds scientific enough. I can't wait for 2050!!!!!!!!!

D.A.R.E

I don't even know what DARE means even though I graduated from the DARE program in 5^th grade. The DARE acronym took a whole meaning for me when I hit college. As far as I know, DARE means Drugs Are Really Exciting. Doobies Alcohol Roofies Extasy. Do you DARE to be different and do drugs? There are too many straight edges out there.

Ogregasm

Orgasm. It just doesn't give an orgasm justice. An orgasm sounds like a organism. Orgasms should be called ogregasms. I think about an ogre and how they are just monstrous, beastly, and aggressive and that's exactly how my orgasms are. Let's redefine orgasms and call them ogregasms.

I'm Pulling in

I think I have pulled out once in my whole life. What's the point of pulling out? Seriously, that's dumbest thing ever. I'd rather pull in, if you know what I'm saying. I guess it wouldn't be pulling in, it would be the pushing in. I don't want to do the pull out method. I want to do the push in method, that would be way cooler. “Oh baby I'm going to push it in you”. I guess that sounds kind of weird.

Remember when.... I tried tea bagging that girl

During my college days, I tried tea bagging this girl who was passed out in our hotel room during Spring Break in Panama City Beach. I didn't get that far because I tried tea bagging this girl from the side, which we all know doesn't really work. You need come from the top and ease your balls right on her forehead as if it were a landing pad. My technique was all wrong. Don't me wrong, we all know I have huge balls but I was still in my young 20s so they were pretty firm. If I tried tea bagging her now from the side, yeah no problem, her forehead would've been plastered with my saggy balls. So ,I was hovering over her forehead trying to slap my firm tight balls on her forehead. But they couldn't reach, so I did the next best thing. I gave her a mushroom stamp or at least tried to. Once again, as we all know, I'm not hung either. So here, I was in the middle of the night trying to give this girl a mushroom stamp. For those who don't know what a mushroom stamp is, it's the act of a dude slapping his slong on a girl's face repeatedly to give the imprint of a mushroom. That night I failed at 2 things: the tea bag and mushroom stamp. I'm a failure in life, I'll never get to do those things. Weep weep. Maybe I'll just try something new, like the coffee pot. Its where you drop your butt cheeks on a girl/boy while they are sleeping or awake. Doesn't really matter. Beware, I'm going to coffeepot you.

Outro

This was a quick little bloggy smloggy.  I just wanted to air some things out.  I will scream at you next week.  Twos

Bloggy Smloggy 13

Lucky Blog number 13.  Same old same old.  

Mummy Dumps

We have all done this, I'm sure of it. It's called a mummy dump. I just had a mummy dump a few days ago. A mummy dump is when you use so much toilet paper to wipe your booty that it looks like you drowned a mummy in the toilet. If you have a mummy dump, you should probably see a doctor. No one should be using that much toilet paper, unless you have diarrhea. Or, if your mummy dumping way too often then you should reconsider your wiping techniques. I've discussed the technique of 'orgami wiping' in a previous blog, so there should be no mummy dumps. So go green, stop mummy dumping!!! Don't be a Dummy, Save a Mummy.

Gambling

If your extremely bored and have nothing to do, I suggest you do some gambling. Gambling is a very addictive vice but is also entertaining if you win big. That's why I recommend www.chatroulette.com

while your stoned that it is. Your not making bets to win money but your wagering on the next person your going to talk to. You have the ability to switch users if you don't like what you see then you have the ability to chat to the next user. There are a lot of different ages, races, and cultures. I would say 1/5 users on this site is some dude cranking it. If he is not cranking it, it's some dude's boner, or it's someone who looks like he is about to rub it. Sometimes even worse you have back to back users cranking it (this happened a couple times during the evening). Even, after you see all these dudes cranking there man dongs you can't stop looking. It's addicting for some odd reason, you believe there will be some hot chick on the other end wanting to talk to you. She doesn't even have to be a hot chick, just a chick. I mean chicks are a endangered species on this site. You see the desperate, the pitiful, the dredges of society on this site. Even with this site being 90% dudes who are probably gay, lonely, and ugly, you still feel the want to take your chances by spinning the chat roulette wheel and win big. Yeah, the only thing your going to win is some big cock. Some battles are not worth the fight.

Beer in Hand

I made a discovery about a year ago while I was attending a NBA basketball game. I noticed a girl a few rows behind him us. I mentioned to my friends that she was hot. They looked back and told me, “Dude, she is way too young. She is like 16 or 17 years old”. I fired back, “She has beer in hand. She is at least 21 years old. Anyone who is drinking a beer is at least 21 years old”. I explained to them that all girls who have “beer in hand” are at least 21 years of age because they are legal to drink. They didn't buy into this theory. As far as I'm concerned, if your drinking, your 21 and up. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I have the law with me, I have to assume that she is 21, even though she might look like a minor. I could see my lawyer arguing this statement in court. “Your Honor, she had beer in hand, my client had no reasonable doubt she was under 18, stripping any illegal activity that would've occured”. Then the Judge would issue his statement “I hereby find the defendant innocent of all activity due to the 'Beer in Hand Act of 2011'. Another win for nude dude.

Medieval Times

I wish I would've lived in the Medieval Times during the ye olde era. During the time of feudalism, where lords roamed in there castles while there peasants and serfs worked the fields. This was a time where chivalry was at its peak. Sure the life expectancy was a lot lower than it is now, and the birth rate was pretty low as well. But during the middle ages you could have condom less sex. No birth control pills, nuva rings, or contraceptives. I mean these were the inventors of the pull out method. That was there means of birth control. Think about it, you could be the hottest blacksmith in town and just smash wench after wench. Doing the town whore with no protection. Awesome! Even if she did get pregnant, how is the town harlot going to trace that kid back to you. They didn't have the technology to do blood tests and furthermore, she'd probably have a miscarriage. If your looking for condom less sex then you should've been born during the middle ages.

From what I Remember of Brewers Opening Day at Miller Park 4-4-11

1. Mustard Fight- Aka my friend squeezed a whole bottle of mustard on my face, hair, and chest.   Then me rubbing the mustard on my chest in a sexual way. Someone did try to clean off the mustard with hamburger buns but that didn't last long.  This so called mustard fight really wasn't a mustard fight it was just my friend squeezing yellow mustard on my body with my shirt off.
2. Trying to knock down a port a potty while a friend was using it.
3. Doing multiple beer bongs and shotgunning beers.
4. Wearing a Speed Skating Singlet and telling people I was an Olympian Speed Skater
5. Dumping Captain Morgan all over my body

Besides that, it was pretty tame tailgate. Nothing got really out of hand. Just some good Ole fashioned Midwestern fun.

Digital Cruster Hotline (414-216-3118)

Please call this number if you have any crazy ideas, would like to be a guest on my buddy's podcast, or if you just want to rant about a subject that has been irking you for awhile. It could be about gay porn, lobbyists in Washington, or anything that makes your blood boil. Call drunkenly and tell Henze your thoughts. Get stoned and talk stoner talk. Tell him a funny story about how you lost your virginity to a girl named Natasha in a alley and then realizing it was a church parking lot 2 weeks later, then tell your mom that you think you have aids and cry to her, and then go the clinic to get checked and realize your clean and don't have aids, and celebrate your 22^nd birthday a week later. (oh wait that was me that's how I lost my virginity, I mean how my friend lost it, yeah it was my friend).

A Sauna Short Story

After a short workout at the local gym, I decided I needed to detox myself and use the sauna. I ended up in the steam room instead. I walked in the steam room and there was an older gentleman in the corner. I decided I was going to make small talk with this man but as soon as I uttered the words, “man it's hot in here” I should've inhaled those thoughts back.  Apparently, this guy hasn't talked in days because it was like he had a 'hemi' in his 'motor mouth'.  This guy started rattling things off like “I have 2 addictions in my life, they are saunas and electric guitars”. “I've been studying the effects of sauna use for 26 years”. “Actually, myself and a German chemist have wrote 6 journals on sauna use”. He just kept blabbing and blabbing and blabbing. I bet you thought this story was me  being gang banged in the sauna by 4 senior citizens. Will that probably would've been better than listening to this dude rant and rave about his frickin sauna knowledge? I couldn't take it anymore this guy was bragging about how he could be in a sauna for over a half an hour. At this point I was like someone please put me out of my misery and get the gang bang started. Geezzzzz, some people. blah blah blah

Twos (instead of deuces like someone saying peace in a farewell).  Twos until next time.