Lucky Blog number 13. Same old same old.
Mummy Dumps
We have all done this, I'm sure of it. It's called a mummy dump. I just had a mummy dump a few days ago. A mummy dump is when you use so much toilet paper to wipe your booty that it looks like you drowned a mummy in the toilet. If you have a mummy dump, you should probably see a doctor. No one should be using that much toilet paper, unless you have diarrhea. Or, if your mummy dumping way too often then you should reconsider your wiping techniques. I've discussed the technique of 'orgami wiping' in a previous blog, so there should be no mummy dumps. So go green, stop mummy dumping!!! Don't be a Dummy, Save a Mummy.
Gambling
If your extremely bored and have nothing to do, I suggest you do some gambling. Gambling is a very addictive vice but is also entertaining if you win big. That's why I recommend www.chatroulette.com
while your stoned that it is. Your not making bets to win money but your wagering on the next person your going to talk to. You have the ability to switch users if you don't like what you see then you have the ability to chat to the next user. There are a lot of different ages, races, and cultures. I would say 1/5 users on this site is some dude cranking it. If he is not cranking it, it's some dude's boner, or it's someone who looks like he is about to rub it. Sometimes even worse you have back to back users cranking it (this happened a couple times during the evening). Even, after you see all these dudes cranking there man dongs you can't stop looking. It's addicting for some odd reason, you believe there will be some hot chick on the other end wanting to talk to you. She doesn't even have to be a hot chick, just a chick. I mean chicks are a endangered species on this site. You see the desperate, the pitiful, the dredges of society on this site. Even with this site being 90% dudes who are probably gay, lonely, and ugly, you still feel the want to take your chances by spinning the chat roulette wheel and win big. Yeah, the only thing your going to win is some big cock. Some battles are not worth the fight.
Beer in Hand
I made a discovery about a year ago while I was attending a NBA basketball game. I noticed a girl a few rows behind him us. I mentioned to my friends that she was hot. They looked back and told me, “Dude, she is way too young. She is like 16 or 17 years old”. I fired back, “She has beer in hand. She is at least 21 years old. Anyone who is drinking a beer is at least 21 years old”. I explained to them that all girls who have “beer in hand” are at least 21 years of age because they are legal to drink. They didn't buy into this theory. As far as I'm concerned, if your drinking, your 21 and up. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I have the law with me, I have to assume that she is 21, even though she might look like a minor. I could see my lawyer arguing this statement in court. “Your Honor, she had beer in hand, my client had no reasonable doubt she was under 18, stripping any illegal activity that would've occured”. Then the Judge would issue his statement “I hereby find the defendant innocent of all activity due to the 'Beer in Hand Act of 2011'. Another win for nude dude.
Medieval Times
I wish I would've lived in the Medieval Times during the ye olde era. During the time of feudalism, where lords roamed in there castles while there peasants and serfs worked the fields. This was a time where chivalry was at its peak. Sure the life expectancy was a lot lower than it is now, and the birth rate was pretty low as well. But during the middle ages you could have condom less sex. No birth control pills, nuva rings, or contraceptives. I mean these were the inventors of the pull out method. That was there means of birth control. Think about it, you could be the hottest blacksmith in town and just smash wench after wench. Doing the town whore with no protection. Awesome! Even if she did get pregnant, how is the town harlot going to trace that kid back to you. They didn't have the technology to do blood tests and furthermore, she'd probably have a miscarriage. If your looking for condom less sex then you should've been born during the middle ages.
From what I Remember of Brewers Opening Day at Miller Park 4-4-11
- Mustard Fight- Aka my friend squeezed a whole bottle of mustard on my face, hair, and chest. Then me rubbing the mustard on my chest in a sexual way. Someone did try to clean off the mustard with hamburger buns but that didn't last long. This so called mustard fight really wasn't a mustard fight it was just my friend squeezing yellow mustard on my body with my shirt off.
- Trying to knock down a port a potty while a friend was using it.
- Doing multiple beer bongs and shotgunning beers.
- Wearing a Speed Skating Singlet and telling people I was an Olympian Speed Skater
- Dumping Captain Morgan all over my body
Besides that, it was pretty tame tailgate. Nothing got really out of hand. Just some good Ole fashioned Midwestern fun.
Digital Cruster Hotline (414-216-3118)
Please call this number if you have any crazy ideas, would like to be a guest on my buddy's podcast, or if you just want to rant about a subject that has been irking you for awhile. It could be about gay porn, lobbyists in Washington, or anything that makes your blood boil. Call drunkenly and tell Henze your thoughts. Get stoned and talk stoner talk. Tell him a funny story about how you lost your virginity to a girl named Natasha in a alley and then realizing it was a church parking lot 2 weeks later, then tell your mom that you think you have aids and cry to her, and then go the clinic to get checked and realize your clean and don't have aids, and celebrate your 22nd birthday a week later. (oh wait that was me that's how I lost my virginity, I mean how my friend lost it, yeah it was my friend).
A Sauna Short Story
After a short workout at the local gym, I decided I needed to detox myself and use the sauna. I ended up in the steam room instead. I walked in the steam room and there was an older gentleman in the corner. I decided I was going to make small talk with this man but as soon as I uttered the words, “man it's hot in here” I should've inhaled those thoughts back. Apparently, this guy hasn't talked in days because it was like he had a 'hemi' in his 'motor mouth'. This guy started rattling things off like “I have 2 addictions in my life, they are saunas and electric guitars”. “I've been studying the effects of sauna use for 26 years”. “Actually, myself and a German chemist have wrote 6 journals on sauna use”. He just kept blabbing and blabbing and blabbing. I bet you thought this story was me being gang banged in the sauna by 4 senior citizens. Will that probably would've been better than listening to this dude rant and rave about his frickin sauna knowledge? I couldn't take it anymore this guy was bragging about how he could be in a sauna for over a half an hour. At this point I was like someone please put me out of my misery and get the gang bang started. Geezzzzz, some people. blah blah blah
Twos (instead of deuces like someone saying peace in a farewell). Twos until next time.
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