Intro
What a better way to start a blog than talking about my pooping habits. I”m pretty sure I start every blog with something about pooping. I'm not sure how I keep thinking of different ways of pooping but I do. Pooping is pretty simple. You sit there and wait for excrement to exit your body. But when your me, it takes on a whole new meaning. I take pooping to the next level. I would like to think of myself as wizard of pooping. An Expert. A professional in my field. So without further ado. Let's get into my new article.
Toilet Talk (Squeezers, & Superman)
Everyone poops. But does everyone poop the same every time they poop. No, absolutely not. You have different types, shapes, flaccidity, color, and pressure types. Pressure type is the amount of pressure you have to exert to squeeze a turd out. Too much pressure on the anal is unhealthy and probably will cause some booty defect. Less pressure, the more healthy your stool is. In fact, your stool should just fall out. But if your like me, that isn't the case. If your like me, your a squeezer. Squeezer's don't have it easy because in most cases, squeezers spend 15-20 minutes on the toilet. That 15 more minutes that shouldn't be pooping. Squeezing leads to the “Christoper Reeves Syndrome”. Basically, your on the pot so long that when you do get up, you lose feeling in your legs, and you can't walk. Your legs fall asleep from the lack of blood flow because your exerting all your energy on your squeezing techniques in the anal area. Let nature take it's course and don't squeeze like your trying to get the last of the ketchup from Heinz bottle. You don't want to end walking like Christopher Reeves (because doesn't walk because a) is he paralyzed and b) he is dead) after you “chuck the 2”.
When I see the McDonalds logo I see an “M” like everyone else. But not today, I looked at the “M” as two very very perky tits. I mean, in weird way I was just turned on by a logo. Literally, “Im loving it”.
Take a look at the “M” in a abstract way and it looks like a pair of some surgically vertical perky tits from the future. Like on some inverted saggy tits from 2050, where boobers point upwards towards the gravitational pull of the moon and sun because of global warming. That sounds scientific enough. I can't wait for 2050!!!!!!!!!
D.A.R.E
I don't even know what DARE means even though I graduated from the DARE program in 5th grade. The DARE acronym took a whole meaning for me when I hit college. As far as I know, DARE means Drugs Are Really Exciting. Doobies Alcohol Roofies Extasy. Do you DARE to be different and do drugs? There are too many straight edges out there.
Ogregasm
Orgasm. It just doesn't give an orgasm justice. An orgasm sounds like a organism. Orgasms should be called ogregasms. I think about an ogre and how they are just monstrous, beastly, and aggressive and that's exactly how my orgasms are. Let's redefine orgasms and call them ogregasms.
I'm Pulling in
I think I have pulled out once in my whole life. What's the point of pulling out? Seriously, that's dumbest thing ever. I'd rather pull in, if you know what I'm saying. I guess it wouldn't be pulling in, it would be the pushing in. I don't want to do the pull out method. I want to do the push in method, that would be way cooler. “Oh baby I'm going to push it in you”. I guess that sounds kind of weird.
Remember when.... I tried tea bagging that girl
During my college days, I tried tea bagging this girl who was passed out in our hotel room during Spring Break in Panama City Beach. I didn't get that far because I tried tea bagging this girl from the side, which we all know doesn't really work. You need come from the top and ease your balls right on her forehead as if it were a landing pad. My technique was all wrong. Don't me wrong, we all know I have huge balls but I was still in my young 20s so they were pretty firm. If I tried tea bagging her now from the side, yeah no problem, her forehead would've been plastered with my saggy balls. So ,I was hovering over her forehead trying to slap my firm tight balls on her forehead. But they couldn't reach, so I did the next best thing. I gave her a mushroom stamp or at least tried to. Once again, as we all know, I'm not hung either. So here, I was in the middle of the night trying to give this girl a mushroom stamp. For those who don't know what a mushroom stamp is, it's the act of a dude slapping his slong on a girl's face repeatedly to give the imprint of a mushroom. That night I failed at 2 things: the tea bag and mushroom stamp. I'm a failure in life, I'll never get to do those things. Weep weep. Maybe I'll just try something new, like the coffee pot. Its where you drop your butt cheeks on a girl/boy while they are sleeping or awake. Doesn't really matter. Beware, I'm going to coffeepot you.
Outro
This was a quick little bloggy smloggy. I just wanted to air some things out. I will scream at you next week. Twos
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