Sad Banana # 9 Mustache

I Have a Mustache

ME

Mustaches are all the craze. They are making a comeback. It's trendy. I like being trendy. I follow all the trends. So that's why I decided to shave my beard into a mustache. I'm not original at all. I'm a copycat. Whatever is hot and chic at the moment I will do it. I had a faux hawk, a mohawk, a beard, a pony tail, shaved head, and the slick back look. I've done it all, well not really, but close to it. I want to test my limits of feeling comfortable while looking uncomfortable. It's somewhat a test to my self conscious self. People say ,“Looks arn't everything” but actually when you think about it 'looks are everything'. We constantly judge each other by appearance. I wanted to see how life would be with a mustache and how people perceived me. Whenever someone grows a mustache people always state the obvious, “you look creepy like a molester or pedophile”. It took me an hour to shave my beard into a beautiful mustache and your going to call me a creep! It's the longest amount of time I've ever spent on grooming myself and then I get ridiculed? Come on with that! Think of something creative, that's too easy to say. Here are some of the results of what people said to me during my 2014 Mustache Experiment. 

What People Said about My Mustache 

“Holy Sh*t it's Mario!!!”

“You don't look like Mario... You look like Luigi more”

“That looks nasty”

“You Mexican?” No. “Well stop looking mexican then”.

“Bro.... you look like a conquistador”

“You look like an Italian dude. All you need is FIAT to drive”

“Hey cool... you look like a mexican dude”

“Hey you look like a guy who makes pizza”

“That's fake”

“Can I see if it's real?”

“Ok.. Hitler”

“Can you shave that? I hate it”

"You look like the Monopoly Guy"

"You look like a porn star"

“You look like a guy from the 70s”

“Hey it's like your Rollie Fingers”

“That's a sweet mustache”

“You look like a creep”

“Nice mustache. There in now”

“What are you doing? I'm going to get clippers and shave that right off”

“I don't know about your face”

“Ewwww”
“I miss your beard”

Conclusion

As you can see the mustache results varied. A lot of people stared at me, laughed at me, and gave mew weird looks. Women did not compliment it. I just got a blank stare as if I had something on my face. Guys however thought it was cool . In the end I don't think anyone really liked it. So, what can we learn here? Well, never judge a book by its cover. I'm not Hitler, I don't bake pizzas, I'm not mexican, not a plumber, not the Monopoly guy, not a porn star, not from the 70s, not a creep, and I'm not a conquistador. We can all learn from this experiment that there is a heart behind every mustache and my heart hurt.

Sad Banana # 8 "The Fall"

Superman's Weakness: Kyropnite

The Fall

I made it a few steps out the door and then BOOM I hit the floor. I couldn't get up. I couldn't feel my legs. I was numb from the waist down. My legs felt detached from my body. This wasn't the first time this has happened. I tried staying calm but fear overcame my thoughts. This has been happening on a weekly basis. I call it The Curse of the Christopher Reeves Dump. It's where your sitting on the toilet for so long that you feel paralyzed from the waist down. Your blood flow decreases as tingling increases to the point you can't walk. It's a sensation that's unexplainable yet only felt by sitting on the toilet for more than an half and hour (it's the kryponite of sh*tting).

My Weakness: The Toliet

I laid on the floor not more than two steps from the bathroom in awkward pain. I was rolling on floor laughing (rofl) as I tried to gain feeling back in my leg. I laid there for a few minutes thinking... will I ever walk again? I mustered up the courage to get up and stand on my own 2 feet. I felt like Forest Gump when he broke away from his knee brace and learned how to run. It was a miracle! My life was back on track and I could walk.

Prevent future injuries

I'm thinking of having a wheelchair in the bathroom for future incidents. Luckily, I walked away with no major injuries. It could've been worse, I could've broken a leg to pooping. That would've been a horrible way to break a leg. Don't let The Curse of Christopher Reeves attack while your on the porcelain. There are no common similarities in his victims as he is likely to strike anyone who sits on the toilet for an extended period of time. No matter what age, gender, race, or religious beliefs you have. Pray all you want but The Curse of Christopher Reeves can't be undone... (or you just eat a diet rich in fiber and cut the time your on the toilet in half)

Sad Banana # 7 Peaceful Gluttony

Peaceful Gluttony

A lonely man's headquarters.

What's the loneliest/creepiest thing you can do in life? Go to a bar alone? Go to movie alone? No, it's going to a Chinese Buffet by yourself.  It is a very lonesome yet humbling experience. It's on a whole new level of shame and humility. I see it like this... the self conscious lonely person would order take out a because they would be too way embarrassed to eat alone. Then they would retreat back to their dungeon of meekness to disgustingly eat their meal as if no one is looking (because no one is looking). However, the proud loner doesn't give a "F" and displays their isolation with pride. They have no qualms about going to a restaurant alone. Apparently, I'm secure to eat a Chinese Buffet by myself. Although I wasn't “alone” per say, even though I was “alone”. There were several other cheerless buffet goers who had gone by themselves. I ended up counting 4 other losers eating alone. This place was a hub of lonely people as us lonely folk outnumbered the socially inclined.

Gluttony in its finest hour!!!!

In a confident way I felt safe, comfortable, and accepted among the meek. I'm not sure if it was the Vitamin B pill I took before the buffet or if it's my overall relaxed demeanor that made me feel okay with eating alone? It's like I'm content with becoming a creep who stays to himself. I mean I was in my safe place. My comfort zone. I chatted up the manager and we became friends on a first name basis. He told me he would take care of me next time I came in. Hopefully, I will be able to go with another human next time so he doesn't think I'm a certified loser.

Me 20 years from now.

I ended up downing 3 plates of food, 2 cups of soup, and a few waters. I was there for an hour and a half. Not 30 minutes like most regular patrons but an 1 HOUR 30 MINUTES! I saw many lonesome outcasts slowly drag their feet in the door to get their sesame chicken and fried won tons. I've never seen gluttony in such a graceful yet gloomy way. I would definitely eat here alone again. This buffet has a great ambiance that makes it very comfortable for the loner to eat by themselves. I would recommend this place to all who eat in solitude. I give this place 2 creepy thumbs up.

Sad Banana # 6 The Credit Card Caper/Identity Theft

Someone Stole "Me"

     I'm just like everyone else when it comes to paying for goods and services, I use a debit/credit card. I usually keep very little cash on me.  It's very convenient to use a card instead of cash. Who the hell wants change back? Who the hell uses pennies anymore? Pennies are as good as garbage nowadays. Yes, credit cards are convenient but conveniency always come with a risk. Every time you use your credit card you put yourself at danger of becoming a victim of fraud. BEWARE!!!!! the cyber criminals are watching you, me, and your loved ones. Just like you, I thought it would never happen to me. Who the hell would want to steal my identity? I'm not that valuable.  Who wants to be me?   Really.... go ahead and steal my identity. Well... it turns out someone did steal my identity.

Here is what some one did as “me” for a day.  This document is from the Fraud Prevention Unit.

Here is what identity fraud looks like.

     I'll tell you right now they did a horrible job stealing my identity. They got my identity all wrong. The first thing they did with my card was charge 25 cents to pay for a parking meter. Okay, I can live with that. I don't mind being taken for 25 cents. I'm sure they plugged the meter to go to YASSA AFRICAN CARRIBEAN STORE where they charged $12.  Hmm.... I'm not going to racial profile or stereotype here but I wonder "who would've stolen my identity?" Hmm... I wonder who would've went to the AFRICAN CARRIBEAN STORE.  Hmm, what can I infer here?
    Then they went to McDonald's I assume because they were hungry from all the shopping they were doing at YASSA AFRICAN CARRIBEAN STORE.   Nothing works up an appetite like identity theft. Not only did they go to McDonald's once...not twice... but 3 times! You could've went anywhere to eat but you chose McDonald's! Seriously, you could've treated yourself to a nice steak joint, sushi, or to a fine cocktail but instead you go to McDonald's!!! I don't know if guilt sunk in more when they stole my identity or when they got diarrhea after eating a few Big Macs?

   After McDonald's they went to another great establishment K Mart and spent $62.66. Then they filled there gas tank with only $20 worth of gas. Not sure why they didn't fill it all the way up. Maybe they felt remorse for me. Finally, they went to QUALITY HAND CAR WASH. Finally, these thieves did something good with my money. They treated themselves to a $18.00 hand car wash.. not a $3.50 Scrub a Dub Car Wash.. but a hand car wash.

    So, there it is, this is what it looks like when you get your identity stolen. You would think someone as a criminal would get essentials and necessities to live life.  Instead they get a hand car wash, go to K Mart, an African Wig Shop, and eat McDonald's 3 times in a day. I'm not pissed that they stole my identity but I'm actually more angry that they went to McDonald's.   

Editor's Note: The word they is referenced 19 times in this story.  They is a reference to "those people". You know who I'm talking about.. "those kind of people". Everyone knows who "those people" are.  If you know what "those kind of people" phrase means your probably racist.. I mean just telling the truth.

Sad Banana #5 "2013 Job Update"

Introduction

Here is a list of jobs I applied for in 2013 starting in July. No one said getting a job is easy. I'm not here to complain and whine about not getting a job. I'm just sharing the cold hard facts.

List of Jobs I applied for in 2013

1)Salvation Army Volunteer Recruiter

2)Walkers Point Teen Shelter Crisis Intervention Specialist

3)MPS Sports Recreation Coordinator

4)Food Brand Ambassador Promotions

5)Milwaukee Bucks Sales Associate

6)South Shore Ymca Wellness Attendant

7)Better Business Bureau Customer Representative

Help Me!

8)Interfaith Senior Services Volunteer Manager

9)Girl Scouts of American Volunteer Manager

10)Culligan Man Water Distributor

11)UWM Admissions Coordinator

12)Curative Care Coordinator

13)Packerland Rent-A-Mat Route Representative

14)Americorps College Assessment

15)United way Volunteer Coordinator

16)Lead 2 Change Advancement Coach

17)Veterans Job Coordinator

18)Sisters of Notre Dame Transportation Assistant

19)Edible Arrangements Delivery Driver

20)Wilde Toyota Sales/Product Specialist

21)Ups Delivery Driver.

22)Rocketship School Tutor.

23)Home Depot Customer Service Rep

24)West Suburban YMCA Wellness Attendant

25)Curative Care 1 on 1 Care

26)Brookfield Rehab Activity Assistant

27)Integrity Family Services Crisis Counselor

28)ATTC Urinalysis Collector.

29)Tool Parts Driver.

30)Lowes Delivery Driver.

31)Batteries Plus Sales Associate

32)Brew City Promotion Shipping & Receiving

33)QPS Driver Helper. 

34)Toyota Lube Technician

35)Goodwill Donation Attendant

36)Ups Seasonal Driver Helper - I got a Job!

My Life for 3 Months.

So there it is, the raw data. You can't fudge these numbers. This is real life. It took me 36 job applications to finally land a job. Not a full time job. Not a job with benefits. Not even a part time job. But a seasonal part time job that pays $12.88. After countless hours of job searches, writing cover letters, and submitting online applications I get a Seasonal Driver Helper Job at UPS. I'm someones helper. I run packages to houses. A middle school kid can do my job. A middle school kid could do a better job than me.  Apparently this is the only job I'm qualified for. I guess my college degree, management experience, and personable skills make me only qualified for a UPS SEASONAL DRIVER HELPER! I was the modern day Santa for a month. Actually, I wasn't even Santa (I didn't make the toys). I was Santa's little b*tch elf.

   

Self Explanatory.

As you can see I've applied to some god awful jobs. I mean I really set the standards low. It's not even comical anymore. I guess I couldn't cut it as a Batteries Sales Associate? Really? I don't have the aptitude to sell batteries? I guess I wasn't capable of working at Goodwill as their Donation Attendant. Wow? I'm in awe. My skill set most be non existent. I wasn't even good enough to deliver edible arrangements. Huh? What? I guess there is someone who is more qualified in remedial jobs than I am. That's a humbling experience. I feel really great about myself. I'm making a difference in the world. I feel like I'm really helping out society. I feel so good about my self esteem. Life can't get better than this folks. I've made it. All that hard work has really paid off. Sky is the limit.

Please laugh at my life. If you ever want to feel better about your life or job situation. Just read this over and over again and laugh at me. I beg you.. Laugh at My Life.

Sad Banana # 4 "Sandusky Eyes"

 Sandusky Eyes

The locker room

   The mens locker room. It's where men can be men. It's a place where men can let their worries go. It's a place where guys can let it hang literally and figuratively. It's a place where you can relax and be unbothered by society's problems and issues. It's a place of serenity, tranquility, and peace. It's an escape from the stresses of today's fast pace technology. It's a place where you want to just tune out.     

    But...but... but... there's always some old f*ck who messes it up for everyone. There's always one d@mn old guy who wants to talk to you. Moan about the soap dispenser that doesn't work. B*tch about Obama. Complain about this. Complain about that. Not only does the old man complain but he complains while he is naked. He is a naked complainer. He b*tches and moans naked while your naked. He does this when he is changing...when your changing ….when your showering … when he's showering... when he is in the bathroom.... when he is shaving... brushing his teeth. The list goes on. Everything has got to be done when he is NAKED. The old man won't talk to you when he is clothed, that's against the old naked man locker creed. The old man will only talk to you when he is naked or when your about to get naked.

      F@ck the old naked guy in the locker room who tries to talk to me! He has no wisdom to give. If he had wisdom he would have the sense not to talk to me while I'm getting dressed, or in the shower naked, or taking a sh*t naked. F*ck old guys and their wisdom. Here's some wisdom old naked man that is reading this (which he probably not because he doesn't know how to use the Internet). DON'T TALK TO DUDES WHILE YOUR NAKED IN THE MENS LOCKER ROOM AT THE GYM!  

Go about scrubbing your low riding balls and keep me out of it. Thank you very much.

"Sandusky Eyes"

It seems to never fail that an old dude will stare at my youthful nut sack wishing that he had a nice lift to his balls. Maybe... its in my head, although I highly doubt it. Lets take a look at situation I had at the gym the other day and you be the judge. Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? For those who don't know what Sandusky Eyes means... it's when an old man stares at younger men in a deviant way.

      I arrive to the sauna and I'm only the one. Yes... time for some rest and relaxation I think to myself. The sauna at this particular gym is set up with a window that faces the lounge in the locker room. I'm sure the window is there for safety reasons. You can watch the clock and often see members walk back and forth. I find my seat which is easy because I'm the only one in it. I plop down and glance at the time just to get a gauge on how long I will be in there. As I look at the time I see an old man in the lounge sitting down “watching tv”. We lock eyes and instantly I'm uncomfortable.  Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes?  I'm not sure what to think? I'm on high perv alert in where I think the world is full of creeps and I'm being stared at by a lot of creepy dudes. With that being said, I immediately move to the seat over to the left so this man can't see me. He is still sitting in his chair but he is no longer in my view. I'm at peace and now can sit back and relax. 5 minutes pass and I can see the old man move from his chair and slowly walk pass the sauna window. He is different from the other members who walk pass the sauna window. This guy looks in as he walks by, as other members just keep their head straightforward. Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? Then again 2 minutes later he walks by the window walking the other way by looking in. Hmm... is he lost? Did he forgot something in his locker room? Then... after walking by the window he comes in the sauna... naked with a towel. I assumed he just showered and he is in there to dry himself off. I don't make eye contact and keep to myself. He is vigorously drying off his foot long balls that almost dangle a few inches from the floor. He is scrubbing away at those nuts. I'm surprised he didn't blow a nut and have nut leakage. He drys himself, then leaves the sauna. As he walks out the door I passively aggressively give him the middle finger behind his back and whisper “f*ck you”. I'm not going to call out a pervert for wanting to see my young supple body. There is no way he will admit it. I'm in a lose lose situation. Is it a coincidence or Sandusky Eyes that he came into the sauna while I was in there alone?

Old Man Pervert

I stay in there 10 minutes longer because I don't know what this guy is up to. He knows I'm going to have to shower after the sauna eventually. If he was a smart creep he would've acted like he was going to shower when I was going so he could watch me wash my smooth sun kissed skin.  But he didn't, he is a dumb creep.  I hit up the showers hoping that the coast is clear. I un change to get naked so I can shower in the showers. Low and behold this old mutha f*cka has a locker in the locker aisle that can see the showers. Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? I'm like just my fricking luck.. this dude would have an aisle where he can see all the dudes shower at once. There is no heterosexual way to shower if you feel like you are being stared at by a old creep. Don't get twisted this guy is not a homosexual. Old guys are not gay. They are f*cking dirt bag creeps who want anything that is young. So how do I shower? Do I turn myself away from him? But then he will see my @$$. Do I not show my @$$ and show him my frontal? But then he will think I want to give it to him. Either way you need to sacrifice your butt or your junk. You can't shower sideways to a creep because he can see both parts in action. I guess it depends on what your working with. I could creep out this old guy with my lil unit and pubes but maybe he has a big pube fetish. Then I think you can never creep out a creepy old dude. They seen it all. So he is changing still while I'm showering. I take a quick shower, go to my locker, and get quickly dressed. 

 At this time, I believe that this guy has left. My locker room is in the 2^nd isle to the exit so I see everyone come and leave. I'm at my locker, drying off you know minding my own business. At this point I'm in my underwear and I think I'm in the clear. I usually look at passer bys out of curiosity. Low and behold the creepy old dude is passing by on his way out. We lock eyes again as I'm in my tight underwear. Really? Coincidence or Sandusky Eyes? Just when you thought he left the locker room he turns around and glances at me again. WTF! Then immediately turns around to leave while getting another good stare in. He doesn't even make it look like he forgot something. This is not a coincidence, this is Sandusky Eyes in its purest form.

F off old perv with Sandusky Eyes!

Sad Bananas # 3 Hot Job

 Things Are Warming Up

Yeah man yeah

   

I try to stay fit. I say “try” because when I workout I just do light intensity. I don't drink protein shakes, put up big weight, or grunt like a grunt at the gym. I do a quick 20 minute workout, drink water, light dumbbells, and don't even make a moan when I do my light intensity . I also alternate using the sauna and steam room to get my sweat on.  Why actually do exercise to sweat when you can sit in a sauna and do absolutely nothing to sweat?  Today was sauna day!  I enjoy the sauna as it's relaxing, peaceful, and entertaining. I say entertaining because occasionally you will get an old naked dude drying off his senior citizen nut sack.  I guess that's entertaining in a weird way.  I call it "wierdtainment".  Or you get the random dude wise cracking in the corner about something dumb. Or listen to other guy moan about some remedial thing that is wrong in their life. 

Me on the left. Car Salesman on the right.

Today, I got the guy talking to me about his life which turned into my life.  I am often in the sauna for 15 to 20 minutes.  However, the longer I'm in there, the more I put myself at risk to see testicles of all ages, sizes, and colors.  It goes without saying, "I don't want to see saggy man nuts".  Just as I'm about to leave, a meat headed 40 something year old who is too jacked for his own good (think testosterone, HGH, deer antler spray) strikes up a convo. He asks, "you must work outside you got a good tan” as he in looking at my legs. He is talking me up like, “what are you 20?” No, I'm 30. Great... I'm thinking this guy is going to corner me with his bulging biceps and do naughty things to me. He tells me about how he used to work for Cadillac but couldn't deal with their customers so he works at Hyundai. 

Hmm... what to do?

I make my way out and he is still talking about car stuff. Some how he finds out I'm looking for work and from there he goes into sales mode.  He stares at me with crazy eyes and speaks with persuasive intent if I want a job working with him at the Hyundai dealership. He said, “How much you need to live $5k, $4k, $3k?... I'll start you at $2k.. with a $1,500 signing bonus... you will train with me.... not to blow smoke up your ass.. but you got the look.... you got the talent... I guarantee you will be making a lot of money and be happy in a few months.... I'm willing to vouch for you... all you got to do is clean up your neck hair .... come in tomorrow with a tie and shirt... if you don't have a tie...I'll get you one.... I have 20 ties and I will put it on you in the parking lot..... will get you started... I'll teach you everything.... I'll get you a desk with a computer....you will be driving a company car just like me.... I've made $2,000 in one day.... I'll show you my pay stub..... I believe in a guy like you” I told him I'm not a salesman after hearing his sales pitch. He says, “well... do you have a wife or a girlfriend?... I say "yes" to having a girlfiend and he responds, “there you go... your selling yourself everyday”. He says, “follow me to my locker and I'll give you my business card”.

What could have been?

 I willingly follow him to his locker where both of us are hot, sweaty, and have our shirts off still. I'm not sure why I follow him but when you are this desperate you would follow a half naked dude to his locker if he was going to offer you a job. He told me to come in the next day to interview with their hiring manager. I told him I would think about it over the night. It sounded enticing but I just met this guy in a sauna who was talking about my tan, then 5 minutes later he is offering me a job. I don't want to be this guy's little pet at work.  I don't want to do all this guy's b*tch work while he gets paid. This guy tries to play me for a fool, idiot, and/or a pushover. Yes, I am those 3 things but I'm a smarter new breed foolish pushover idiot.