Bloggy Smlogy 12

Same old topics in here. Talking about poop, my poor hygiene, and my love of a ex teen pop actress. Who could it be????

Pick N Save and Vodka- A Short Story

        I was at Pick N Save (a local grocer) and I needed cash, pizza, and liquor for the night's activities. So, as I was navigating the the liquor section, I fell in love with a vodka, a vodka named Roxx. It was $11.99/liter plus a $5.00 mail in rebate. I can't even do the math right now, but I was about to make a huge score. I knew this would go great with the energy drinks I just bought, loaded with caffeine, ginseng, guarana, b vitamins, and sugar (essentially everything I don't need to put in my system).

       As I'm putting the Roxx vodka in my cute little basket, which is great for small groceries, snacks, and OTC medications, the bottom of the bottle breaks. I'm stunned, did this just happen? The vodka fills the floor with it's triple distilled aroma as I'm still holding the bottle with no bottom. I start to panic as my basket reeks of poor man's liquor. I know what to do but I don't do it. I look around to see if anyone saw this incident, no one does. I realize its 1:00pm on a Saturday afternoon, no other degenerate is going to be in the liquor aisle of the grocery store at this time.

       So, I lay the bottle down by the crime scene, frantically walk away. I ditch my vodka soaked basket in a nearby aisle. But before all that, I grab a different bottle of Roxx vodka, but this time, I test the bottle for defects, lightly tapping at the bottom to see if it's been properly manufactured. It passes my 3 second tapping test, so I get out of the crime scene. At this time, I have a pizza, a bottle of vodka, and 2 monster energy drinks in my over consumed hands. I look and feel like a tweaked out junkie looking for his next fix. Yeah, I thought of telling the manager, but I thought he would think that I was drunk because I was buying vodka. I finally made my way to the self checkout, I was home free.

       On the way I bought some girl scout cookies from Brownie Troop 165. Somehow, I figured that buying the girl scout cookies would offset my karma. Hey, that's one last drunk out there because of me. I did the world a favor. Who knows who would've bought the bottle of vodka; a drunk driver, a thief, or a college frat boy who tries to entice a young freshman. I did my part in accidentally breaking the bottle but then again who is going to drink that.

Asparagus Pee

My pee has been smelling for like 3 days now. It smells like pine sol, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to clean with my pee just because it smells like an everyday cleaning solution. It just has a piny scent to it. I hope it was the asparagus I ate, but 3 days later.... come on man! I hope its not something else, lets just hope it was the asparagus. Yeah, it was the asparagus. It's got to be all the antioxidants.

Let's Combine Some Words

This is where I take two words and put them together to form a new word. This week's words are slut and gluttony. Here are the definitions

gluttony- habitual greed or excess in eating

slut- a slovenly or promiscuous woman

Put them to get together and you get....

sluttony- the practice of a promiscuous woman who excessly eats while habitually engaging in sexual activity. A slutton is the person who is involved in this activity.

Man's Best Friend

It has been said that Man's Best Friend is a dog. I absolutely totally disagree with this notion. Yeah, a dog is good for companionship, sure it's a good listener, but it's a dog. Does your best friend pee on the couch, poop on the living room carpet, and chew your favorite nikes? No!!! Last time I checked your best friend didn't do that or at least I hope he didn't. A best friend, a bff, or a bestie is someone who is always there for you through thick and thin. So, it's without further ado I name my best friend. Drums Please... It's my right hand, obviously. My right hand is always there for me, at night, when I'm lonely, in my room watching whatever arouses me. It's here through flacid and hard, girth and thin, and small and long. I love my right hand, I hope your reading (wink wink).

Movies I Recently Cried to (Real Talk)

Kindergarten Cop- This is a classic. But I definitely teared up during the ending scene when John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a undercover cop returns to the classroom after he was shot. They should definitely make a sequel to this.

The Karate Kid- The original Karate Kid not the new one with Jaden Smith, I haven't seen that butchering yet. The last scene when Daniel LaRusso beats Johnny from the Cobra Kai dojo. I mean when he does that kick he learned from Mr. Miyagi. I can't help but break into tears.

More Potty Talk

Does anyone else get a tingling feel when they poop? Not during the whole process, just when the excrement is exiting it's way out the orpheus. I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my head, it's actually very satisfying. Does that make me gay? I don't think it does, it just makes me feel satisfied. I guess if I got an orgasm from it, then yes, by all means, I would be a flaming hot cheetoh. But when a long slender turd comes out, it could be one of the best feelings ever. They say the best things are for free and the last time I checked pooping is free. That is, of course, if you don't consider the price of the toilet paper or water used in the flushing. I googled “how much does it cost to flush a toilet?” because I really want to know the answer. Well, every blog or thread I read, to find answer just beat around the bush. I got results from 1.4 cents all the way up 13 cents per flush. I don't know the answer and I'm sick of looking up how much it costs to flush a stupid toilet. This article is done. Pooping is fun. The end.

Mean Girls

I just need to profess my love for Lindsay Lohan in the movie Mean Girls. She was at her peak hotness at this time. Her pale white skin, red auburn hair, and freckled cleavage was to die for. I mean freckled cleavage is a delicacy in our culture. It's rare but a turn on. You can't find freckled cleavage with her beauty anywhere. I can't tell you how many times, I gave myself a jobber to this movie. Countless . You would be lying if you didn't pop a bone to watching Mean Girls. This was before she was drinking booze like it was water. Before she was dating Fez from That 70s Show. And before she was snorting cocaine and eating out her lesbian DJ girlfriend. She was a talented teenage actress who had hits such as Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Lindsay, this is a plea, bring sexy back. How about a sequel? Oh wait, they actually did make a sequel. You can upload it on YouTube, here's the link. I have to watch it though, its called Mean Girls 2 (how clever?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEIe-H9v61E

Coming Soon... Bloggy Smloggy 13, muwhahahahwahahahaha (evil laugh).  more creepy tales from the "godfather of creepy dudes".  

Bloggy Smloggy 11

Let's get right into the thick of things.

Dingleberry Free

Dingleberries are a plague that's on the rise in America's underwear. It's a epidemic that sees no colors and effects all men, women, and children of the world. Dingleberries invade the pants of Americans on a daily basis. There is no known cure for this but there are measures that can be taken to fight this astricioty. First, you can wipe real good, but obviously were not doing this, just look at your underwear drawer. I'll bet you'll find skid ridden panties. Go ahead, look.......... yep... panties that were once white, now look like leapord print. I suggest after you drop a duece you hit the showers. One technique I found out that works like a charm is the spread eagle. What's a spread eagle you ask? Well, I'll tell you. As your showering and have cleaned all your human parts, angle the shower head on a 45 degree angle. Once you have the water flow at a 45 degree angle, turn around like your going to take it up the @ss or the doggstyle position would work just fine. Then go into 3 point stance but take your hands and spread each butt cheek apart. This will definetly clean out the ol colon and remove all the excess dingle berries in your man cave. Move up and down, left to right, so the water trajectory from the shower head can knock off those last dangling berries. We want those to fall off like apples during the harvest season. That my friends, is a recession buster on how to remove those darn old dingle berries that keep getting in the way of a good time.

Ipods & Computer Chairs are not just Everyday Items Anymore

Times are tough. I mean I know were in a recession and all, but I mean, beating in off in this economy is hard to do, especially when you have two roomates. Time is the most valuable thing we have in this life. But, wiith the invention of the ipod touch screen, Apple Inc. has made masterbation available anywhere possible. This little smut screen is very mobile, you can take it to the living room, kitchen, bathroom, the garage, etc.... and just beat off anywhere you wiener pleases if you have wifi capabilities. Technology has made it very possible so as your not limited to your beat seat in your bedroom. Beat seat is another term in the crank culture that is widely known as the computer chair (or any chair you choose to beat off to). My beat seat has a lot of wear and tear from logging hours upon hours of spanking it to “white girl booty shake” on youtube. I believe it's time for a new beat seat but if I ain't broke don't fix it, right? Your beat seat is very crucial to a jacking session. It could make or break your experience. Now, if you go to wal mart and ask the store cleak, “Hey, I'm looking for your top of the line beat seat?”, most likely he/she is going to look dumbfounded. That's why your looking for a computer chair, preferably pleather, because a hardwood chair is going to cause chafing of the balls and bruising of the buttocks. But if you do get a hardwood chair you can always purchase a chair pad but I advise againist this, it will most likely fall off if your violently going at it. Using your ipod to pull some pud is a great idea if your trying to make your beat seat last so you can get a few more cranks on it, since you can beat it anywhere with your ipud (i mean ipod). Now with the invention of the new Ipad, you can kill two birds with one stone, as in your Ipad acts as a electronic c rag. Hmmm that's some deep stuff right there.  I'm really tackling some hard pressed issues.

Random Moment of the Week

Every Sunday I go to my mother's for a home cooked meal with my family. So, I was at the dinner table with my grandmother, mother, and brother present. We had corned beef and cabbage, a irish staple (I'm not Irish though) with all the fixins. Halfway through dinner, I unexpectedly take the butter knife and put it to my brothers neck. Then looked across the dinner table as I fiercly glared down my mother, boldly stating, “Do you want to see your son again?”, as if I was holding him ransom. I repeated myself in commanding tone, as if I was not joking. She didn't respond. The end.

I'm Remedial

People usually get a sense of accomplishment after they cleaned the house, done community service, or completed a big job. I get a sense of accomplishment after doing simple small everyday tasks.

1. Changing the tp roll after I served up a monster dish of some poo stew
2. Doing my laundry (cleaning all my c rags).
3. Brushing my teeth, putting on deodorant, using mouthwash
4. putting postage on mail, wiping the kitchen counter, taking my suit to the dry cleaner

After doing all these remedial tasks, I feel so great you might've thought I've cured the health care crisis and solved world peace. These small mindless tasks can really boost the self esteem meter.

Man Can't Live Without Me

If there is one thing man can't live without it's got to be tums. Sure, as men we can't live without things like beer, meat, and chips. But tums is the very thing that allows us to have a detrimental diet and get through the day by masking the toxicity in are stomachs. I don't care if you buy the cheap walgreens version of tums because it's does the same thing. But for this article will use tums as a synonmous term. I might just write the Tums company a letter (if it do it will go like this).

Dear Tums,

How are you Tums? I'm a midwestern boy from Milwaukee, WI. I have diet heavy on beer, cheese, brats, french fries, custard ice cream, hamburgers, and summer sausage. I could not get through the day without dropping a couple of tablets of tums. Living in Wisconsin they force sausages down your throat and make you wash it down with a schlitz beer. I can't eat healthy here, but I guess that's where you come in. Your turn an upset stomach full of aches into a stomach full of sunshine and happiness. You turn my hemmorodial diarrehea into solid chunks of healthy stool. I can't thank you enough. I stand by your product 100%.

Sincerely,

Your #1 Fan

PS- It would be great if you can send a pack of Tums, so I can continue to binge drink Blatz beer and fill my stomach with cream puffs, hot dogs, greasy pizza, and chocolate covered bacon.

Grey's Anatomy

I wonder how it's going to feel like when I get my first grey pube? Will I cry? Will I laugh? I think I might have mixed emotions.Will I envy the guy who has fresh light brown curlies? Will I go into solidarity and hate the world because they don't understand a 28 year old with a grey junk? Will I cut them off immediately or will I embrace them and the wisdom that comes with being a grey top? These are questions that will go unanswered until I become a silver fox. But for now I'm going to rock my brown top until it goes grey. Say word!

See you next Dry Hump Wednesday........ poopy scoopy

Bloggy Smloggy 10

For the 10^th edition of Bloggy Smloggy, I decided to write my Top 10 favorite sexual positions. So here they are.

Top 10 New Favorite Kinds of Sex I Just Made Up in My Head

1) Conversation Sex- Your talking as if your having a normal conversation (politics, war, religion)

2) Joke Sex- You laugh at the each other and make wise cracks about your partner.

3) Cry Sex- You both cry and tear up while you do it.

4) Nascar Sex- See how fast you can go

5) Stationary Sex- Where you just don't move and let it marinate.

6) Robot Sex- Talk, act, and move like robots.

7) End of the World Sex- Have sex like its the end of the world.

8) Busted Condom Sex-In where you cut the condom before you have sex and act like it broke on it's own (act real surprised and freak out).

9) Hamburger Helper Sex- In where you eat a hamburger, fries while doing it.

10) Household Chores Sex- Clean, do the dishes, vaccum while you do it.

Wash your hands

You know those signs in the bathroom that read “All employees must wash there hands before returning to work”. Does that mean customers don't have to wash there hands as patrons of there business? Why don't they make a sign that says, “Everyone should wash there hands”.  It makes me wonder why they would even need a sign to remind there employees to wash there hands. Were there rampant infections of diarehhea going on years ago because employees weren't washing there hands. What was the deal? Did room raiders come into random restaurants and noticed that fecal matter and piss was all over the prep table. I don't know if I believe in the word common sense anymore. I think common sense is a dying phrase. There's more nonsense then common sense these days. Wash your fecal filled hands!

Heavy Petting

There's nothing wrong with heavy petting. Heavy petting is what's hot in the streets right now. I could go for a great jobber. Ya know, just having some girl rubbing her hand through my pants viciously in the groin area. Heavy Petting was cool in grade school but sometimes you need to switch it up. Trends always go in circles, so it's time that Heavy Petting makes it's way back on the sexual to do list. So ladies if your reading, I'm up for a good ol fashioned hand j, h job, good ol tug, pull j, whatever you want to call it.  

Hot New Sites

There are so many wonderful dating sites out there like match.com and e harmony. I'm going to start my spin off on those classic dating sites. Here is a look at some of some new sites I'm starting.

Snatch.com- Obviously, this is spin off on match.com, but this is for those looking for a quick hook up rather than a relationship. Not just a regular hook up but a real, dirty, rough, wham bam thank you mam one night stand.

Clitter.com- Instead of Twitter, this is actually a site that I think may work. I've been thinking about this one for awhile. A person will post something like, “I'm dowtown near 4^th and wisconsin ave. looking to blow the first person who arrives in the next 15 minutes”. In a way its like prostitution but no money is exchanged. It's for the closet freaks who are white collar workers looking for free cheap sex that allows them to get away from the wife and kids.

Guest Writer of the Week “King of the Relapse” Submitted by Anonymous

Relapse:to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.: to relapse into sleeping with an ex...

Years ago.... I, who will remain anonymous was dubbed the name in the act of relapsing, the King of the Relapse. Relaspsing continued for years like any addiction, and just like the Mafia- when you think your out- you get pulled back in, literally back inside.  I am sure many of you have done this, we all have, we are animals of repetition.  We like being comfortable, enjoying the company of someone we care(d) for and re-living the good times.  Then, eventually, feelings get strong again and one may feel stronger while the other does not...and then what, your in a Pickle, your friends say, "boy you got yourself in a mighty Pickle".

It starts with meeting up for dinner (on the phone "yeah I would  like to meet up, it has been awhile and I would like to see you" , then can lead to the eventual  'one' drink meeting

Relapse Scale:

Level 1 : Casual sex, late night booty calls (minor danger)

Level 2: Casual sex, hanging out maybe watching a movie (moderate danger)

Level 3: Lots of doing it, movie, ,more dinners, going out more in public (getting dangerous)

Level 4: The 'what are we doing' or 'what is this' talk (shit...you face a decision)

Relapsing, like any addiction affects many, whether it be oxy-contin, booze, sex, chocalate, and etc.

One will get the familiar taste in their mouths and are reminded of the good, then slowly but surely it happens again and again, until eventually you are the King of the Relapse.

Pre Load

Pre load is when a girl has already been creamed in by some dude earlier that day and while your having sex with her, you notice there's some other dude's seamen in her. This have never happened to but probably has happened to some guy somewhere and he was like, “Man, I was hitting that but something didn't feel right, I think she had pre load in her”. Pre loads are not good for the guy who gets sloppy seconds. It's actually a good gag for the first dude who puts the first load in. You never want to be the guy who puts the second load in (that's never fun). Don't get pre loaded, always check  (her) washer before you start putting in your man detergent.

Shampoo for the Love Below

Shampoo is wonderful! It makes your hair soft, sleek, and shiny. So, why don't we take that concept and make shampoo for your pubes. Regular shampoo doesn't work, trust me, I tried. It's still a coarse nappy mess. We need something that really gets in there. We have so many shampoo brands and scents that are for curly or straight, tangled or damaged, or soft and tough hair. Come on Dove, Pantene Pro V, Herbal Essence. I challenge to make a pube shampoo that detangles and leaves my afro with the scent of a cucumber melon passionfruit apple. 

Thank to the readers who still read this (I can probably count on my finger who still read this).  Without you Bloggy Smloggy 10 wouldn't be around

Bloggy Smloggy 9

Pandora

I like pandora so I decided to try and listen to new music because that's why it was invented. I tried creating a new station but they didn't have porno music. What the heck Pandora????? I like being creative to porno music, there's something about it that just gets my creative bug going. Then I went to type in masterbation and apparently there is a song called “Masterbation Blues”. I'm sure that would be saddest song to masterbate to. I'm sure it would bring you to tears. But anyways I thought I would get more creative, so I typed in the word penis and they do in fact have Penis Radio. Now it's currently one of my favorite stations. I'd never thought I'd be listening to Penis Radio.

I got a Adult

I like when parents say, “Oh yeah I got a kid”. That's too general. I understand you have your own kid but that's like me saying, “I have an adult” (referring to my mother). “Yep, that's my adult right there”.

“I need to call my adult. I hope my adult doesn't yell at me about who I hang out with”. Your kid is your child, your daughter, your son, so call it that.

Random Average Male Fact I Read on the Internet

The average male gets 10 erections while they sleep. The not so average me gets 20 erections while I sleep. Seriously, what do you do with all of those erections while you sleep? Hump the pillow next to you. I have a Pokemon pillow with Pikachu on it, I don't want to hump Pikachu. I don't even know if Pikachu is a girl or a boy and that's the only reason I don't hump it and the fact that I don't want spooge on my pillow. It's not like I wear a condom to sleep, so I can wake up in the middle of the night and just peel me one off. Hmmm, which might be a good idea, then I don't have to wake up plastered to the sheets because all of the random dude nectar on my sheets. In theory, you can use the pre wrap method before you go to sleep. Wear a condom to sleep, so when you get one of those random late night hard ons, you can rub it off in your condom. Go green and use an expired condom (don't throw those away).

Funny word of the week: Manually

If you say a word long enough. The word sounds weird and turns into another word with a new meaning.

Say manually a lot

Manually Manually Manually Manually

Use it in Sentence

I manually use a user manual to learn how to manually use my automatic car.

Take the word apart

Man U Ally- Like a man and u are in ally together doing stuff a suspicious activity.

Manu Ally- Now its two names, a guy named Manu and his girlfriend Ally or girl he just banged.

Ma Nu Ally- Now it your Ma(mother) in a Nu(new) ally. Like a new ally they just built and she decided to go in the new ally to see what all the fuss was about.

Manually is a funny word. I manually used my manhood with a girl last night.

Things in my Room

an expired condom from october 2010, a don mattingly baseball card, a paula dean cookbook, one pill of vicodin, once legal now illegal weed (K2), 5 different c rags, a lil bastard kit (water ballons, cigarettes, zippos, stink bombs, lube), 12 unsharpened pencils, and a van gogh painting

Building a Nest Revisted

As you know I discussed this topic; building a nest. However, while I was building a nest the other day I realized something. I forgot to add that while building a nest, there should be a couple of drops of pee on the seat. I know it sounds gross and disgusting, but think about it. With drops of fresh yellow pee on the seat, it creates a suction for the toliet paper to grab on. It serves as an adhesive, so when your swooping in to take a seat, the tp won't blow off. Yeah, now I know there might be some pee that goes through the toliet paper and you'll end up sitting on it. In fact, I know so. The toliet paper in public restrooms are not even 1 ply, i'm sure its like half a ply or something. But pee is sterile, so if it does seep through to your butt cheeks, which it probably will, don't worry, think of it as your own piss. In conclusion, if your building a nest, go for the toliet with a little pee on it (the yellower the better). It's going to stick a lot better.

I Made Another Drug Deal

I swear to you this is my last time I make a drug deal ( I mean be the middle middle man). I wanted to make one last big score then get out of the game. The drug game is too hot right now. So, I picked up the illegal drugs and called it quits. The drug dealer we bought it from was tripping on shrooms at 3pm on friday afternoon, smoking out of a “weed” bong, and doing pulls of goldshlager all the while playing Rockband with his college buddies. You know it's tough trying to live life right. I'm just trying to do right but the drug game keeps calling my name. I'm too old for this. I can't be the middle middle man and score dope from my friend's friend for my friend. After we made this huge score, my friend hooked me up with some of the illegal drugs. I got my quick fix on the illegal drugs that we scored and that was that. The End. Life's good. Paradise is calling my name. Now I just need a yacht and some cuban cigars with randoms hot chicks tanning on the deck of the boat.

Ex Sex

I want ex sex. You know.. sex with your ex. No, not with your ex (actually that would be cool). I mean sex with the ex. You know sex with the ex gf. I never got to do that. I want some good ol fashioned ex sex, then curl up in the fetal position after she leaves and cry myself to sleep while the Schindler's List theme music plays in the background.

Cry Juice

If you know me really good you probably know what cry juice is. But for those who don't know what Cry Juice is, its a inexpensive liquid intoxicant that induces a individual to emit emotions of sadness. Hence, that individual crying. Cry Juice for me is cheap rum, preferably San Juan which runs for $7.99 a liter. Not bad, it beats seeing a therapist. But you can't just drink Cry Juice out of the bottle, you need other supplies. That is why I invented the Cry Juice Kit. A Cry Juice Kit includes one Cry Juice Bottle, liter of your favorite cola, and a 5 hour energy. Obvisouly, you need energy for all those tears your going to shed. That's where the 5 hour energy comes in, because your probably going to lose a lot of water weight. The 5 hour energy replinshes your body with the essential vitamins, such as B12 to keep you crying strong throughout the night. That's your basic Cry Juice Kit but I recommned you go with the advanced Cry Juice Kit. The Cry Juice Pro Kit comes with a box of kleenex, a self help book, a emo mix cd, and a shoulder to cry on. Before the night, you need to designate one of your friends as a shoulder to cry on, that way you have someone to listen to you complain and moan about everything that's wrong in your life. For all those who drink Cry Juice, Prost!!! Raise your cry juice glasses! Your not alone! Stay thirsty my friends!!

Bloggy Smloggy 8

Intro/Isn't that Wierd?

Isn't weird to think that mothers of the worlds still give head to dudes. That's the same mouth they kiss there sons and daughters with. That's the same mouth they let their family know that they love them. It's the same mouth they articulate sentences and conjugate adverbs to make arguments in Corporate America. For example, Hillary Clinton or Condeleeza Rice. One day a wiener is in there mouth and the next day there overseas debating the oil issue in the Middle East talking to highly rated officials. I could see them talking to there hubbys and being like, “Let me give you a BJ before I make this speech at a press conference about International Peace”. I think that's weird. It's like a Catch 22 (more like catch 22 batches of seamen).

Yeah, I Would

I think it's funny when dudes always say to there guy friends, “Yeah I would” when a hot female walks by them. Yeah, of course I would, but what female in her right mind would sleep with me or any of my slapdick friends. I love how cocky we are as males that we would say, “I would totally do her” when there is no way that we will be linked to her sexually. Yeah “you would” if you and a friend gagged her, tied her up, and threw in the trunk of the car. but then that would be “we would” and “we would” isn't legal.

Objectify Me

I'm sick of men objectifying women.  I want women to start objectifying men. I want to be objectified and be treated like a hunky piece of meat. That would do wonders for my self esteem. I would feel so good about myself. Chicks always say they hate  when dudes hit on them. PSHHH!! What! Would you rather have a alpaca hit on you? I'm sure you'd be pretty pissed if zoo animals were busting game on you rather than some dudes. Come on... get that mess outta here. You know what? I don't even care if it's a man that objectifys me, as long as I'm being objectified. OBJECTIFY ME!!!!!!!!

The Wonderful Age We Live In

I am so happy that our generation grew up the time when technology took off. Are generation was here for the emergence of cell phones, computers, and cool gadgets. But most of all I'm very glad that I grew up with innovative porn. Porn back in the day was just guy on girl. Don't get me wrong they were innovators of the porn industry. You have to start somewhere, but guy on girl missionary style doesn't do it for the Average Joe anymore. Today, we live in a world of smut. Where you have so many porn categories: Ebony, Anal, Amatuer, Gang Bang, Asian, Facial, Milf, Deep Throat, Lesbian, Web Cam, College, Barely Legal, Gay, Sleep Creep, Interracial, and Blow Job. Just to name a few though. I mean this is porn heaven. How could of I survived in the old days of the porn recession when a nipple slip got a dude off. I don't think I could have. God Bless New Age Porn!!

Oh Baby

We need to rethink are terms of endearment to our significant others. For example, we use the word baby but we shouldn't be. Phrases like “Oh baby, I want you so bad” or “Give it me to me baby”. These are socially known accepted phrases we use when were in a relationship. But I believe this is unacceptable, if you take the term literally. A baby is a baby. That's like me in bed saying, “Oh infant your so hot”. Imagine if you substituted the word infant for baby, it just doesn't work. Or if I'm talking about my girlfriend to the fellas and say, “yep, that's her over there, thats my newborn”. How about if we said adolescent instead of baby. “Oh adoloscent”. “Come on you adoloscent”, you'd be on dogwatch and be labled a sexual predator your whole life. That goes with saying Pre Teen, Tween, and Teen, you can't get away with saying that to your loved one, she'd second guess her relationship with you and probably turn you over to the federales. As you can see nothing else really works except baby. Go ahead and try calling your partner/hubby a newborn, infant, adolescent, tween and see what happens. I would like to know the results.

My New Favorite Gift

Well I have a new favorite gift since gold bond was giving to me. It's a can opener. We lost are can opener at the house and I couldn't find it. So, I went to the Family Dollar and bought a janky can opener. I've used it several times and couldn't be happier. Is this what my life has become? I geniunely got excited about using my can opener when I knew I could open a can of beans. I was elated with joy and euphoria took over as I was opening a can of diced tomatos. Thank you can openers. I'm glad I didn't buy a man opener that would be another story.

Recipe of the Week: Diarrehea Chili (Poop Soup)

1 can Kidney Beans

1 can Black Beans

2 cans Diced Tomatos

1 lb. Ground turkey

4 slices of turkey bacon

Handful of Jalopeno Peppers

1 can of corn

A couple sprinkles of red pepper flakes

A dash of chili powder

Top with Shredded Cheese

Add drops of hot sauce

Add all ingredients in a big pot, brown turkey and bacon in seperate pans, add to big pot, let stew for 15 minutes. Serves about to 3-5.

Effects of Recipe of the Week

This is sure to give you diarrehea at least for a day and a half. If you've ever felt stuffed up, take this remedy and you'll be shooting flames outta of your @sshole for days. You'll feel like the BP oil spill of 2010 is spreading to your underwear with this lethal concoction.

Where's my Pen15?

Sometimes I look in my underwear and I see the saddest thing on earth. My penis is so sad looking. Seriously, it looks like it's always frowning. I have the smallest penis on Earth for my age group. You know how some people are hung like a horse. I'm hung like a field mouse. My penis looks like a tic tac. It's a little knub. Sometimes I forget I even have a penis and mistake my penis for a 3^rd testicle. Yeah, that's how unhung I am. I'm not going to sit around and tell you I'm a grower because I'm not. You should see me scratch myself. I don't even have to use my whole hand, I use my pinky. If your a girl..... don't ever have sex with me, unless you want to have sex with a pixie stick.  Please, this is a public service announcement.   I'm not mad. I embrace my manhood (the little of what's there).