Same old topics in here. Talking about poop, my poor hygiene, and my love of a ex teen pop actress. Who could it be????
Pick N Save and Vodka- A Short Story
I was at Pick N Save (a local grocer) and I needed cash, pizza, and liquor for the night's activities. So, as I was navigating the the liquor section, I fell in love with a vodka, a vodka named Roxx. It was $11.99/liter plus a $5.00 mail in rebate. I can't even do the math right now, but I was about to make a huge score. I knew this would go great with the energy drinks I just bought, loaded with caffeine, ginseng, guarana, b vitamins, and sugar (essentially everything I don't need to put in my system).
As I'm putting the Roxx vodka in my cute little basket, which is great for small groceries, snacks, and OTC medications, the bottom of the bottle breaks. I'm stunned, did this just happen? The vodka fills the floor with it's triple distilled aroma as I'm still holding the bottle with no bottom. I start to panic as my basket reeks of poor man's liquor. I know what to do but I don't do it. I look around to see if anyone saw this incident, no one does. I realize its 1:00pm on a Saturday afternoon, no other degenerate is going to be in the liquor aisle of the grocery store at this time.
So, I lay the bottle down by the crime scene, frantically walk away. I ditch my vodka soaked basket in a nearby aisle. But before all that, I grab a different bottle of Roxx vodka, but this time, I test the bottle for defects, lightly tapping at the bottom to see if it's been properly manufactured. It passes my 3 second tapping test, so I get out of the crime scene. At this time, I have a pizza, a bottle of vodka, and 2 monster energy drinks in my over consumed hands. I look and feel like a tweaked out junkie looking for his next fix. Yeah, I thought of telling the manager, but I thought he would think that I was drunk because I was buying vodka. I finally made my way to the self checkout, I was home free.
On the way I bought some girl scout cookies from Brownie Troop 165. Somehow, I figured that buying the girl scout cookies would offset my karma. Hey, that's one last drunk out there because of me. I did the world a favor. Who knows who would've bought the bottle of vodka; a drunk driver, a thief, or a college frat boy who tries to entice a young freshman. I did my part in accidentally breaking the bottle but then again who is going to drink that.
Asparagus Pee
My pee has been smelling for like 3 days now. It smells like pine sol, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to clean with my pee just because it smells like an everyday cleaning solution. It just has a piny scent to it. I hope it was the asparagus I ate, but 3 days later.... come on man! I hope its not something else, lets just hope it was the asparagus. Yeah, it was the asparagus. It's got to be all the antioxidants.
Let's Combine Some Words
This is where I take two words and put them together to form a new word. This week's words are slut and gluttony. Here are the definitions
gluttony- habitual greed or excess in eating
slut- a slovenly or promiscuous woman
Put them to get together and you get....
sluttony- the practice of a promiscuous woman who excessly eats while habitually engaging in sexual activity. A slutton is the person who is involved in this activity.
Man's Best Friend
It has been said that Man's Best Friend is a dog. I absolutely totally disagree with this notion. Yeah, a dog is good for companionship, sure it's a good listener, but it's a dog. Does your best friend pee on the couch, poop on the living room carpet, and chew your favorite nikes? No!!! Last time I checked your best friend didn't do that or at least I hope he didn't. A best friend, a bff, or a bestie is someone who is always there for you through thick and thin. So, it's without further ado I name my best friend. Drums Please... It's my right hand, obviously. My right hand is always there for me, at night, when I'm lonely, in my room watching whatever arouses me. It's here through flacid and hard, girth and thin, and small and long. I love my right hand, I hope your reading (wink wink).
Movies I Recently Cried to (Real Talk)
Kindergarten Cop- This is a classic. But I definitely teared up during the ending scene when John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a undercover cop returns to the classroom after he was shot. They should definitely make a sequel to this.
The Karate Kid- The original Karate Kid not the new one with Jaden Smith, I haven't seen that butchering yet. The last scene when Daniel LaRusso beats Johnny from the Cobra Kai dojo. I mean when he does that kick he learned from Mr. Miyagi. I can't help but break into tears.
More Potty Talk
Does anyone else get a tingling feel when they poop? Not during the whole process, just when the excrement is exiting it's way out the orpheus. I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my head, it's actually very satisfying. Does that make me gay? I don't think it does, it just makes me feel satisfied. I guess if I got an orgasm from it, then yes, by all means, I would be a flaming hot cheetoh. But when a long slender turd comes out, it could be one of the best feelings ever. They say the best things are for free and the last time I checked pooping is free. That is, of course, if you don't consider the price of the toilet paper or water used in the flushing. I googled “how much does it cost to flush a toilet?” because I really want to know the answer. Well, every blog or thread I read, to find answer just beat around the bush. I got results from 1.4 cents all the way up 13 cents per flush. I don't know the answer and I'm sick of looking up how much it costs to flush a stupid toilet. This article is done. Pooping is fun. The end.
Mean Girls
I just need to profess my love for Lindsay Lohan in the movie Mean Girls. She was at her peak hotness at this time. Her pale white skin, red auburn hair, and freckled cleavage was to die for. I mean freckled cleavage is a delicacy in our culture. It's rare but a turn on. You can't find freckled cleavage with her beauty anywhere. I can't tell you how many times, I gave myself a jobber to this movie. Countless . You would be lying if you didn't pop a bone to watching Mean Girls. This was before she was drinking booze like it was water. Before she was dating Fez from That 70s Show. And before she was snorting cocaine and eating out her lesbian DJ girlfriend. She was a talented teenage actress who had hits such as Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Lindsay, this is a plea, bring sexy back. How about a sequel? Oh wait, they actually did make a sequel. You can upload it on YouTube, here's the link. I have to watch it though, its called Mean Girls 2 (how clever?)
Coming Soon... Bloggy Smloggy 13, muwhahahahwahahahaha (evil laugh). more creepy tales from the "godfather of creepy dudes".
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