Bloggy Smloggy 11

Let's get right into the thick of things.

Dingleberry Free

Dingleberries are a plague that's on the rise in America's underwear. It's a epidemic that sees no colors and effects all men, women, and children of the world. Dingleberries invade the pants of Americans on a daily basis. There is no known cure for this but there are measures that can be taken to fight this astricioty. First, you can wipe real good, but obviously were not doing this, just look at your underwear drawer. I'll bet you'll find skid ridden panties. Go ahead, look.......... yep... panties that were once white, now look like leapord print. I suggest after you drop a duece you hit the showers. One technique I found out that works like a charm is the spread eagle. What's a spread eagle you ask? Well, I'll tell you. As your showering and have cleaned all your human parts, angle the shower head on a 45 degree angle. Once you have the water flow at a 45 degree angle, turn around like your going to take it up the @ss or the doggstyle position would work just fine. Then go into 3 point stance but take your hands and spread each butt cheek apart. This will definetly clean out the ol colon and remove all the excess dingle berries in your man cave. Move up and down, left to right, so the water trajectory from the shower head can knock off those last dangling berries. We want those to fall off like apples during the harvest season. That my friends, is a recession buster on how to remove those darn old dingle berries that keep getting in the way of a good time.

Ipods & Computer Chairs are not just Everyday Items Anymore

Times are tough. I mean I know were in a recession and all, but I mean, beating in off in this economy is hard to do, especially when you have two roomates. Time is the most valuable thing we have in this life. But, wiith the invention of the ipod touch screen, Apple Inc. has made masterbation available anywhere possible. This little smut screen is very mobile, you can take it to the living room, kitchen, bathroom, the garage, etc.... and just beat off anywhere you wiener pleases if you have wifi capabilities. Technology has made it very possible so as your not limited to your beat seat in your bedroom. Beat seat is another term in the crank culture that is widely known as the computer chair (or any chair you choose to beat off to). My beat seat has a lot of wear and tear from logging hours upon hours of spanking it to “white girl booty shake” on youtube. I believe it's time for a new beat seat but if I ain't broke don't fix it, right? Your beat seat is very crucial to a jacking session. It could make or break your experience. Now, if you go to wal mart and ask the store cleak, “Hey, I'm looking for your top of the line beat seat?”, most likely he/she is going to look dumbfounded. That's why your looking for a computer chair, preferably pleather, because a hardwood chair is going to cause chafing of the balls and bruising of the buttocks. But if you do get a hardwood chair you can always purchase a chair pad but I advise againist this, it will most likely fall off if your violently going at it. Using your ipod to pull some pud is a great idea if your trying to make your beat seat last so you can get a few more cranks on it, since you can beat it anywhere with your ipud (i mean ipod). Now with the invention of the new Ipad, you can kill two birds with one stone, as in your Ipad acts as a electronic c rag. Hmmm that's some deep stuff right there.  I'm really tackling some hard pressed issues.

Random Moment of the Week

Every Sunday I go to my mother's for a home cooked meal with my family. So, I was at the dinner table with my grandmother, mother, and brother present. We had corned beef and cabbage, a irish staple (I'm not Irish though) with all the fixins. Halfway through dinner, I unexpectedly take the butter knife and put it to my brothers neck. Then looked across the dinner table as I fiercly glared down my mother, boldly stating, “Do you want to see your son again?”, as if I was holding him ransom. I repeated myself in commanding tone, as if I was not joking. She didn't respond. The end.

I'm Remedial

People usually get a sense of accomplishment after they cleaned the house, done community service, or completed a big job. I get a sense of accomplishment after doing simple small everyday tasks.

1. Changing the tp roll after I served up a monster dish of some poo stew
2. Doing my laundry (cleaning all my c rags).
3. Brushing my teeth, putting on deodorant, using mouthwash
4. putting postage on mail, wiping the kitchen counter, taking my suit to the dry cleaner

After doing all these remedial tasks, I feel so great you might've thought I've cured the health care crisis and solved world peace. These small mindless tasks can really boost the self esteem meter.

Man Can't Live Without Me

If there is one thing man can't live without it's got to be tums. Sure, as men we can't live without things like beer, meat, and chips. But tums is the very thing that allows us to have a detrimental diet and get through the day by masking the toxicity in are stomachs. I don't care if you buy the cheap walgreens version of tums because it's does the same thing. But for this article will use tums as a synonmous term. I might just write the Tums company a letter (if it do it will go like this).

Dear Tums,

How are you Tums? I'm a midwestern boy from Milwaukee, WI. I have diet heavy on beer, cheese, brats, french fries, custard ice cream, hamburgers, and summer sausage. I could not get through the day without dropping a couple of tablets of tums. Living in Wisconsin they force sausages down your throat and make you wash it down with a schlitz beer. I can't eat healthy here, but I guess that's where you come in. Your turn an upset stomach full of aches into a stomach full of sunshine and happiness. You turn my hemmorodial diarrehea into solid chunks of healthy stool. I can't thank you enough. I stand by your product 100%.

Sincerely,

Your #1 Fan

PS- It would be great if you can send a pack of Tums, so I can continue to binge drink Blatz beer and fill my stomach with cream puffs, hot dogs, greasy pizza, and chocolate covered bacon.

Grey's Anatomy

I wonder how it's going to feel like when I get my first grey pube? Will I cry? Will I laugh? I think I might have mixed emotions.Will I envy the guy who has fresh light brown curlies? Will I go into solidarity and hate the world because they don't understand a 28 year old with a grey junk? Will I cut them off immediately or will I embrace them and the wisdom that comes with being a grey top? These are questions that will go unanswered until I become a silver fox. But for now I'm going to rock my brown top until it goes grey. Say word!

See you next Dry Hump Wednesday........ poopy scoopy