Intro
It looks like the beginning of summer is here. You know what that means 'scantily clad dressed woman' who are not scantily clad. Yeah! Rejoice! Tis the season of cleaving and beaving aka boobs and camel toes. And doesn't everyone love bare back exposure. Alrighty then....
Cream Jeans
I know Lonely Island did that video called “jizz in my pants” which I think I may have been the founder of that. But I've come up with something different than saying jizz in your pants. The new term of busting a nut while dancing with a girl will be called “cream jeans”. For example, tonight I'm going to hit the dance floor and put on my pair of cream jeans and just cream away. I can't wait til next weekend when I hit the club and make some cream jeans.
Like Momma Always said
“if you can't afford it, abort it”
My mom has never said something like that but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be a grandma right now. I'm just saying, it'll probably make her feel old. I don't want to make my mom feel old. Mission Aborted
A Moment of Reflection
I'm turning 29 on June 11. It's a nude dude birthday! Yippy! It will be my last year in my 20s. I mean this is my last year of youth. My last year of living irresponsibly. My last year of freedom. I won't have excuses anymore. I'll be in my 30s. I'll be a certified old dirty man. When I hit 30, I'm dedicating my life to the American Dream. I want it all. I want stocks, IRAs, 401k. I want 2 kids, a 2 car garage, and a van with a side door that automatically opens. When I turn 30, the American Wet Dream will be an afterthought. It will be the past. Nude Dude will die and the birth of a adult will be spawned.
Butter Face?
Apparently, there is a rumor going around that I'm a butter face. Butterface means everything is good but her face. I'm not sure how, as me, being a dude and all, that I can be a butter face. I think the correct term would be a buthis face. That would make sense. Anyways, I was called a butter face by some gay dudes, not just any gay dudes, but a gang of gay dudes. Gay dudes with tiaras. This was from the same gay clan who threw a drink on me at the end of the night. Rewind 2 weeks ago when we went to Whisky Bar. I guess the guy who threw the drink on me, went by the alter ego “Madonna”. This “Madonna” character had long hair in a ponytail but resembled nothing like the talented artist. I he wanted to put a bag over my head and do me. I guess I looked good from the neck down. Fair enough I've had that fantasy. The ole bag over her face. I mean I would be perfect for a gay dude. Just think how tight I am. I am virgin to gay dudes. I'm as pure and as tight as a Jonas Brother. I guess it's a good thing I'm a butterface to the homosexual race. Hmm... but I wonder??? Do I give it up to Madonna? Skip that, he's got to work this tight lil rear!
I get's mine
After a long day of working a 12 hour stint, I was sick of taking orders and be a little minion of work. No longer did I want to be pawn in this game of life. I was tired. I was weak. In other words, I was sick of doing the grunt work and being a pee on. I have become the b*tch that does the b*tch work. Slaving away. Working for nickels and dimes. It was time now. I struck back with rage at my local grocer, when I decided to swipe a Naked Juice at the self checkout lane. My total bill was $15.00 without the purchase of the Naked Juice. I was irate that a Naked Juice cost $3.50! That would've been 20% of my bill. For an over sugared, over marketed, and over health conscious drink. There was no way in hell I was going to pay for that godd@mn drink and I didn't. I felt like I deserved to steal that Naked Juice. I felt it was owed to me because of the hard work I did that day. I stole that mother f'er and it was the best mother f'ing drink I ever drank! F U Naked Juice! Ps I enjoyed you immensely.
My Wonderful Weekend
Golf Pub Crawl ( 9 Holes Aka 9 Bars)
June 4, 2011
Went on on 9 bar (hole) crawl with about 15 people who were dressed in golf attire. However, I drifted off course and never made it to the last 2 bars. I made my own bar crawl.
Here was the course line up Here was my version
Hole 1: Karma Karma- One Pabst for $3 no tip
Hole 2: Bar Louie Bar Louie- 20oz Miller Lite for $3.50 50 cents tip
Hole 3: Mcgillcuddy's Coyote Ugly- a $2 High Life no tip
Hole 4: Harp Mcgillcuddys -$4 PBR Tall Boy no tip
Hole 5: Molly Cool's Dukes- 2 $1 Miller Lites no tip
Hole 7: Old German Beer Hall Go back to Dukes and get 2 more Miller Lites no tip
Hole 8 : Port of Call Molly Cool”s- Meet a guy named Tim, he buys me Fat Tire
Hole 9: Rock Bottom Brewery Old German Beer Hall- Do a shot ski no tip
Milwaukee Brat House- My buddy buys me a drink
Brothers-I get no drink
Dukes- I buy a round of 4 beers for $4. no tip
Bad Genie Rock Lounge- I drink water no tip
Summary
-I ended up tipping a total of 50 cents during the 10+ bars we went to. I spent a total of $18.50 .
-I also ate leftover already eaten chicken wings from a buddy. There's always some leftover chicken on a chicken wing bone. You just got to suck those wings down. I guess they weren't really leftovers. Leftovers are usually food that is not already eaten. I was eating more of the scraps. Something you give to a dog.
-Playing butt quarters at Bar Louie. This game entails shoving a quarter up you butt crack through your pants and walking over to a glass full of beer. Whoever drops the quarter in the glass gets to tell the other person to drink it. I lost the first round and had to drink this beer that was tainted with booty shorts stench. But I came back with a fury and dropped 2 quarters from my quenched butthole into the pilsner glass. I was the butt quarters champion!!!
-Later in the day we met a guy named Tim who bought us drinks. Tim was in his 60s, not only did he buy us drinks but he also bought us chicken wings. I liked Tim. Tim was never married and he is currently retired as he resides in Glendale.
Twos.....
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