Bloggy Smloggy 31

Intro

I have to take a timeout here. I know most of the stuff I write about is weird and obscure, but that's what the American Wet Dream is about. It's a soundboard for me to get these sick thoughts out of my head, so these thoughts don't come out in standard American conversation. In a way, I'm normalizing myself for society. It's therapuetic to vent these strange ideals of mine. This blog is to convey my unedited thoughts. It's basically a roller coaster of mental perverted thoughts that are crammed up in my head. Without further ado....

Jump plus Farts = ??????

While jumping in mid air, in the most theatrically thesbian way, squeeze out a fart while twisting in a 360 degree motion. Thus you get the most acrobatic fart of mankind, the Jump Fart. I recently started Jump Farting. Jump Farting is the bes,t when you blow a mist of butt air into someone's face, as there kneeling to pick something up. Obviously, Jump Farts are new to the world of farting. So, there is a lot of moves you can do. There is the Jump Fart Waltz, Hip Hop Jump Fart, the KamiKaze, and everyone's favorite The 720 McTwist Jump Fart. I hope Jump Farts take off and sweep the nation just like pogs, silly bands, and chia pets.

Hygeine on the Toliet

I tried flossing my teeth while I was pooping. An unfeatable act of courage and humilty. I failed. I couldn't tell where my teeth were and which teeth I did. So in mid poop, I got up and flossed, then went back to my toliet seat to conclude my pooping session. You might ask why I tried doing this. Well, the dentist told me I have gingivitis, so I needed to up my flossing. There you have it, you satisfied now.

Ice Cold

“Get your ice cold beer here”. “How about I get you an ice cold water”. “Here's a ice cold lemonade to wet your pallet”. The “ice cold” phrase is way over used. I'm sick of this term. It's like we use ice cold as a way to make that certain beverage sound better than it actually is. You know what?? Give me an “ice cold vagina” or an “ice cold penis” to shine up.

My Wonderful Weekend

The Birth of “Charlie GreenChips”

Thursday August 4, 2011

  Pre gamed with Hennessy and Coke in my mom's kitchen with my brothers. Your probably wondering, 'Why the hell is he always in his mom's kitchen?' Well, my brothers were in town for the night, so that's the best place to pre party. So, we exit her house as she is hustling us out the door. I can't blame her, who wants to watch their children get drunk and obnoxious. So, we take a couple of “road sodas”. Road sodas are another term for mixed drinks while in a car. These are essential for an evening out, if you plan to get “wasty” for cheap. We drink these road sodas in Earthy A's car while taking pulls of Hennessy. We hit up your local watering holes (BBC and Hotel Foster). This night does not involve fights, thankfully.

  As we get bored with those bars, we hit up Milwaukee Street (see trendy hipsters, collard shirts, and clubbers). I told the bouncer at Kenadees ( a hip trendy spot), that if I get ever get drunk or annoying your allowed to knock me out. This guy is big and I mean big. This guy could be Mike Tyson's stunt double, if Mike Tyson ever needed one. He responded, “that's good to know”, as he kinda of smirked at me with an evil chuckle. Yes, chuckles can be evil.

  Then it was off to Buckhead's Saloon. The typical age of this bar is 18-24 years old, I'm 29 so I fit right in. I was dance machine, jumping on there stage, skipping, and hopping. Everytime a hip hop song came on, I felt I was there hypeman, yeah the hypeman no one was paying attention to though.

  The night concluded at Potowatomi Casino. As we were entering the casino, I was being loud, as I was yelling “Lord of Mercy, Rude Boy, One Time for Ya Mind One Time” and other reggae sayings. The security guard didn't take kindly to this and denied me access. I was kicked out before I even got in. Of course I made a big spiel about it and mocked the security guard, saying how I wasn't drunk. But by doing that I probably was making her case, that in fact I was too drunk to enter.

  So, we walk back to the car and meet this Doctor from Shorewood who offers us a beer in the parking lot. We drink it and discuss our next move. I decide I'm sneaking back in. I put on one of Earthy A's white t shirt and his hat. We go through a different entrance and just like that I'm back in. I should have taken a hint, that I was kicked out for a reason, but I was determined to gamble that night.

We hit the blackjack table and I was up $100, so I had my brother cash my chips in. But as soon as he came back I put down $100 he had cashed in. He looked at me with regret on why I just did that. I was feeling real good at this point. I started betting $25 a hand and this is when “Charlie GreenChips” was born. I told the dealer to call me Mr. GreenChips because green chips are $25 and that's the lowest amount I bet. To say the least Charlie GreenChips ended up losing all his money. But don't think Charlie GreenChips is dead, he has just begun. Just like my other alter egos; Naked Guy and Throwdown, Charlie GreenChips is here to stay.

Minocqua Highlights

Friday Aug 5- Sunday Aug 7

Every year our buddy Toe invites us to his parent's cabin in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. It's a beautiful lake house with great amenities. It's a 5 hour drive from Milwaukee. We usually average around 15 dudes. It gets pretty sausagy in there, a lot of meat, its basically our way of saying, “F women were here to be dudes, male dudes”.

Here are some of the highlights, actually here is the highlight.

Playing “Gay Chicken” with my buddy Nik. “Gay Chicken” is a game that our buddies play. I think my buddy Nik made it up. But this game involves 2 heterosexual dudes who go in for a kiss, the first one to back out loses. In this game there is one winner or two losers. Nik claims to never have lost at a game of “Gay Chicken”. So, being the competitor I am, I challenged him to a match. The match had begun, we both went into the game knowing that we wern't going to pull back. We got closer and closer and no one was backing out. At last, we touched lips, (with the help of his hand on the back of my head pulling me closer). This happened on the car ride back, completely sober, in between my friend Dan who was riding b*tch in the backseat. We have footage if anyone wants to see it. It's not a full makeout but its a good kiss. It was like an awkard first kiss between two 8^th graders. I mean he ended backing out after the kiss had happened, so I believe I won due to a TKO (Technical Kiss Out). A TKO is when you both have touched lips, so there is no winner until the other person backs off. I think if we were alone, we probably would have making out for hours. I heart you Niki Poo!! I hope your reading. So, as of today, I hold the Gay Chicken Title Belt. Get at me if you want to play Gay Chicken.

I guess that was the highlight of the weekend for me. I'm not sure why that is a highlight because it involves me kissing another man.

Google "Digital Cruster", Search "Digital Cruster" on Itunes, or type in www.digitalcruster.com

Listen to this Podcast!!!!!!! www.digitalcruster.com.  It's easy to do. It's FREE! It's Henze, Swanny, and Nude Dude.  He has recorded about 11 podcasts.  Listen it to while you wake up or if you have ipod listen to in your car.  

I bid you gentleman and ladies farewell