Intro/(hungover rant)
What's up with Back to the Future? Think about that movie. It's about how a kid who goes back in time so his mom can do him. Seriously, watch it. Marty McFly's mom is all over him. This movie is on some reverse Fruedian ish. He is all of sudden back in time in the 50s when his mom is in high school. Things start to get hot and heavy. Marty takes his mom to the prom or the homecoming dance or some stupid dance. She feels his thigh up at the dinner table. I mean Marty' mom is all over Marty. This movie is weird. It's not an American classic movie, it's a frickin sick twisted tale of perversion.
Things I Make a Big Deal About
Walking into public places first
I never want to be the first one walking into a bar or restaurant because people always stare at that person first. I don't want to be the first impression of the social group I'm with. That's a lot of responsibility and pressure. For example, if I'm with a group of 4 people, I'll say, “I call 3rd person going in!” That way, I'm not the first one going in or the last, but I just kind of marinate in the middle.
My car ride boners
I make my boners such a big deal that the people in the car ride can't look away. For example, I show them the imprint through my jeans or shorts. I have averaged out the number of boners I get per hour in a car ride. I get 1 boner per hour (1bph). That's saying a lot when your riding in car full of dudes. Get at me, my bph is off the meters!!! Most ya'll probably bonering at .5 bph (only 1 boner per 2 hours). That's weak. I'm an all star! MVP!
Live Poop Texting
This text came from my buddy who is nicknamed after a vagina (it's twat). This is him texting me on a random weekday while he struggled with pooping. Her are his texts verbatim, in chronological order.
This took place from 10:18am-10:26am.
- “I am pooping now”
- “nothing is coming out”
- “I just want a healthy dump”
- “nothing is”
- “just loud farts”
- “I feel like I am letting myself down”
- “I could get a roid from all this pushing”
- “wait a baby turd just came out”
- “not enough to make me feel like a man though”
- “I wipe my butt hole now”
- “or I could sit longer”
- “how long do you sit and poop for”
- “wait I feel another little guy”
- “I feel like I am going to have to get it with my finger”
- “wait here it comes”
- “and another little little guy”
- “Praise Jesus”
- “My Butthole works sort of”
- “I will return to my former glory”
- “just not today”
Analysis: This is a 20 text poop ordeal. This is the most texts I've ever received from one man about his pooping crisis. It's truly an in depth look of how pooping can destroy a man's ego.
My Wonderful Weekend
No Vice Weekend
August 20, 2011
I had this thought earlier this week that I was going to refrain from drugs, booze, and masturbation, henze no vice week. Well I refrained from the drugs, masturbation, and sex but not from the booze. Give me some credit, I made it until Saturday with no booze, beer, wine coolers, cocktails, shots, etc. Here is how it all started. I got a random text saying “Going away party/birthday party free booze and food”. I obliged to this text and no vice week turned to lets get wasty.
Saturday Night Highlights
-Taught fellow attendants of the party what a fart grenade was. A fart grenade is when you cup your fart in your hand and then release it in to your friend's face. I did not come up with this (my buddy in college who resembles a Keebler Elf did). He had this natural born talent where he could fart in his hand, “bottle” it, and then release it as if it were a grenade. This actually works. No one knew what fart grenades were, so I was breaking down the science of how fart grenades work. Anyone can do it. If you have a hand and you can expel gas, well then you sir/miss, you can do a fart grenade. "Fire in the Hole!"
-I drank a lot of beers at this party and eventually got everyone “shotgunning” beers. Then after that, we went off to Hotel Foster.
-Telling randoms I was having an after bar at my friend's buddy's parents house.
-Buying a beer for my buddy at Hotel Foster then putting down a tip then taking it back, then putting it back then taking it back, because I was being indecisive. Matter of fact, the beer was Old Milwaukee. You don't tip for crappy beers, it's defeats the whole purpose in buying a $2 beer. I'm sure Old Milwaukee does not promote tipping for their piss water beer.
-Putting Altoids in random body parts ie; my ear, nose, and belly button. Then trying the unthinkable by putting one in my butthole. My jeans were too tight and it failed. I'm glad it did. Imagine if you got an Altoids wedged up your butt, Altoids hurt enough in your mouth.
-Breaking into the house that we partied at (aka my buddy knew where they hid the house key), eating 2 brats at 3:00am, then contemplating whether we should sleep in there living room. The couch was too stiff, so I said “f it” were driving home. I sobered up from the 2 brats I ate that I garnished with horseradish, mustard, and jalapenos. It was a spicy brat.
Pee Cups
Went boating on the Milwaukee River on lovely Saturday afternoon. We had to pee but had no where to dock, so we would make “pee cups”. Basically peeing in a cup on the boat then throwing the pee in the river. There were 3 of us on the boat and we all used the same “pee cup”.
1 + 1 = 2's
No comments:
Post a Comment