Intro
Let the adventures begin. It's Nude Dude Time. Just another chapter in my life. Here is a recap of my first day of no work and my trip to New Mexico.
First Day of No Work
Thursday September 1st
Dr. Appointment
How do I celebrate my first day of no work with no benefits? I go to the Doctor with no insurance and pay $120 in medical fees. Why didn't I do this earlier? Why didn't I do this a day earlier when I had insurance? No worries though. That's how my life works. When you have it you don't need it, when don't need it you have it, and vice versa and versa vice. Ya dig?
Brewers Game
Since, I was bored because I don't work full time. I could actually go to a Brewers game on a weekday. Usually, at 3pm on a weekday, I would be working. I wondered why there were so many adults who could attend this day game. Shouldn't they be working? There were a lot of senior citizens as well. For every regular season game, the Brewers sell “Uecker Tickets” for $1 an 1 ½ hour before the first pitch. I like to think of myself as season ticket holder for these, even though you can only buy the day of. Everytime I get in line, I see the same cheap frugal bastards that I am. I was probably one of the younger patrons in line. It dawned on me. Am I going to be that guy with the unkempt beard, drinking a keystone light, and missing a few teeth due to tooth decay while waiting for my $1 ticket? I feel like everyone who buys tickets at full price, just look at the “Uecker line” with disgust, like were the dredges of society. I can see it on there faces with there nice embroidered stitched jerseys. While we wait in line with our ripped cargo shorts, worn down sandals, and yellow pitted t shirts. Whatever, I get to see a professional baseball team play for $1, so eat one full paying customer. I'm a true fan waiting in line for 1 hour among the creeps of the Brewer Nation.
New Mexico Trip Wrap Up
Applebees Friday September 2nd
Arrived in Albuerqueque around 8pm. I don't know how to spell Albuerquergee and I'm too lazy to look it up. You get that point. You know where it's located. It's in New Mexico. I guess it's the Heroin capital of the world. Sadly, this story doesn't not end in me doing heroin or any drugs I guess. Sorry, to disappoint. So, how do I start the vacation off? Well, we start it at AppleBees (you know America's favorite grill spot). If you don't know me or do, you know I hate chains (see TGIF, Ruby Tuesdays, Outback). I could make this food by crapping into a pan and adding MSG into it, and you the consumer would probably enjoy it. We had no other option because we didn't have a rental car. It was either FuddRuckers or Applebees. Is Applebees, like a true authentic American restaurant? I'll tell you what it is, it's true American crap. The two for $20 can suck my little penis and tickle my big balls. Hey, if your going to suck it, you might as well tickle my balls. Anyways, had to rest up, so we went to bed earlier. I felt safe at my stay at La Quinta because we had a 70 year security guard who drove a station wagon.
T or C Saturday September 3rd
Started the day with the free continental breakfast. Here is what I ate because I wanted to get my $ worth. I had an orange, apple, 2 bowls of Total Raisin Bran, one cup of tea, 2 glasses of Orange Juice, blueberry muffin, and one waffle. I was just eating to fill myself up.
Then, we got our rental car. A hot little Mazda. No one should ever own a Mazda by the way.
So, we drove to a little town called Truth or Consequences. Seriously, that was the name of the town. It was like a little organic earthy town. While, I was there I bought an ear candle. An ear candle removes ear wax by putting the wax candle to your ear and lighting on the end. I haven't cleaned my ears in like a year, so I was prepared for the worse. We did it later that night, and it looked like a dead worm came out of me. There was that much wax. It was pretty gross!
I also did a mineral bath. Yeah a mineral bath, sounds homo, I know, but it's good for the skin. After I got of this mineral bath, my skin was super itchy. It made me feel like I had scabies again. Yeah, I had scabies and now you know I had scabies too.
Chili Fest Sunday September 4th
I started off this day by having a Mexican Hot Dog for breakfast. What a great idea to start off with a hot dog equipped with jalapenos, mayo, mustard, cheese, sour cream, bacon, beans, salsa, and other stuff I don't remember.
Then it was off to Hatch (pop. 2,000 or so) to go to there Chili Fest. I thought it was going to be a Chili Fest with Chili. No, it was a chili fest in where they roast chili peppers. While there, I had a green chili burger and roasted chili peppers. These were extremely hot. I was too scared to ride the Ferris wheel. For some reason I don't trust carney's or the rickety “rides”.
After that, we made our way to the National White Sands Monument. This place was really cool. I got a speeding ticket for $100 for going 40mph in a 25mph zone. We were on a “roadless road”. I didn't know the limit. So, that made me hate the white sands.
Finally, we had dinner at a place called International delights (middle eastern food). I got a gyro or something that resembled a gyro. Yet, I was still hungry so we went to Sonic, so I could get ice cream.
At this point it was a 11:00pm and I ingested a Mexican Hot Dog, Green Chili Hamburger, a Gyro, and Sonic Ice Cream. Obviously this is a recipe for a disastrous diarrhea dumping. I had to go so bad we stopped at a local gas station as my stomach was tossing and turning. I go to the Men's bathroom and some dude beat me to the punch. There is already a greasy dude taking a greasy dump. I can't hold it any longer and say “F IT!”. I go into the women's bathroom and just wreak havoc. At this point I don't care if a woman sees me walking out. Boom goes the dynamite!! I escape the women's bathroom and no one see's me.
Wine Fest Monday September 5th
We attend a Wine Festival but I don't drink wine. I tried to get in the wine culture but end up in the whine culture if you know what I mean. I realize I like dry wine as opposed to sweet wine. While attending this wine festival I had the best gordita (yes, better than taco bell) ever. I sampled at least 25 different wines. Wine Festival was a success, I had a little buzz and had to drive back to Albuerqueque which was 3 hours from where we were. I bought a jug of mineral water, ate some sourpatch kids, and we made our way back. We later dined a local sushi restaurant. Who goes to New Mexico for sushi? This guy. It was some of the best sushi I ever had.
Summary
While our travels in New Mexico we had to go through Border Patrol several times. The first question they ask you is, “are you a citizen?”. I kind of paused as I thought the question out. I was about to say no but they realized I was a citizen. I thought he meant a citizen of New Mexico. Everytime we passed border patrol, I would get nervous because I thought I was in trouble. Even though they asked simple questions like, “where are you going?, are you a citizen?, “is this a rental car?”. When talking to authority I freeze up and get scared like a little b*tch. Maybe it's because I'm a little b*tch. Yeah, I am.
Food Summary (Here is all the food I consumed on the trip)
-Applebee's- Steak, red beans & rice, & triple brownie thunder ice cream
-Philly Green Chili CheeseSteak
-Mexican Combo Platter-(bean, rice, enchilada, taco, chile rellono, tamale)
-Quiznos- Turkey Pesto Sub & Roast Beef Wrap
-Green Chili Burger at Chili Fest
-Handful of Corn nuts
-Sushi Platter & Chicken Terayaki
-Gyro with greek salad
-Mexican Hot Dog with Salsa & Chips
-Continental Breakfest-yogurt, fruit, waffle, cereal, oj
-Gorditas at Wine Festival
Where will life take me next
Twos..
Good one naked
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