Bloggy Smloggy 43

Intro/Dad Kissing

I don't know what made me think of this, but sons who kiss their fathers on the lips are weird. I don't care what age you are. You don't kiss your dad on your lips even if you love him. Maybe, it's because I don't have a relationship with my father that I don't understand. So, I'm asking you, spoiled adult sons who talk to their fathers. Do you makeout with your dad? Do you kiss your father on the lips or the cheek? I guess kissing on the cheek is ok. I don't know “kissing your dad” etiquette.

Baby Bi Bi Bi

In high school, I once stated to a friend in the hallway between classes, “being bisexual is the best of both worlds”. You can take that statement and say I'm Bi (which I'm not). I was merely saying that being bisexual, you have a lot more options than a person who likes one gender. A Bisexual person can be taking a stroll down the street and everyone they pass would be a potential partner. I envy the Bisexuals they have billions upon billions of possible relationships at their helm. While us heteros, are limited to one gender ,thus the pool of potential partners decrease significantly. And that is the Bisexual Therom my friends.

It's Not a Small World

“Wow what a small world it is?” “It's a small world” “It truly is a small world”. Actually, it isn't. People who say this, stop saying it! The world population is near 7 billion people. Does 7 billion people sound like a small number of people? I don't think so. The world is increasing as we speak and trends show by 2083 there will be 10 billion people. I hate when people are in awe when you know other people. It can be as simple as, “wow this guy socializes and knows other people, he isn't living in a bubble”. It's like they can't fathom that someone they know knows another person, you know? There are surprised that you actually have friends.

Flushing Too Early Revisited

I'm revisiting the courtesy flush. The courtesy flush is an outdated practice. It's also a fallacy. Courtesy flushes inhibit your ability to get a full stool out. Think about it, by flushing in the middle of a dump, your sending a signal to your cerebral cortex, that your the done. But in reality, you are not done, you are halfway through the process. So, your only dumping 50% of your excrement. Sorry folks, when I poop, I want to poop a 100% of my poop. F it, I want to poop 110% of my poop if that's possible. I go all out, I don't pussyfoot around. Skip courtesy flushes, save some water and go green.

Cooking Up Turkey, Ya Turkey

I made the Turkey, no big deal. It's tradition that I cook the turkey each year. I actually used champagne to cook with the turkey. I got that muthf*cka drunk b*tches!!!! I turned that turkey into a drunk white girl. You know I stuffed that muthaf*cka too. I stuffed that turkey good. I just jammed all sorts of sh*t up its @$$. In the end, that bird was so moist when I was done with it. So juicy and succulent, that meat just fell off the bones. I love moist bird, when its so moist and moisty.

Thanksgiving Night

Watch you know about the oh betsy. I had little oh betsy, if you don't know what that is, then you don't know what it is. Google it. Went to a DJ show at the Rave starring Steve Aoki. I feel like I can DJ after seeing that show. All you have to do is make a 60 minute mix, press play, stand behind the turntable, and act like your doing stuff. Then the beat drops, run around the stage, and everyone throws their hands in the air like “they don't really care”. I mean half your crowd is on ecstasy, so obviously they are going to enjoy it, regardless of what you play. You can play a one note bass line and people will go crazy because their pumped full of drugs. As long as your household name DJ, you can go up there with a cowbell and hit that for awhile. I didn't feel like I could dance that night, maybe it was the oh betsy. I felt like I was doing everyday motions like running in place, putting away the dishes, or stocking the shelves at local grocer. I felt real limp wristed puppet.

I saw a old co worker of mine who worked at Noodles & Co. His name is Noodle Jason. He is in young 20s and is full of youthful energy. He asked me if I wanted to do shots and said “come lets go do shots, you buy.. you buy.. I have no money... but lets do shots”. Usually, the person who asks you to do shots will buy but not Noodle Jason. Where will I see Noodle Jason next?

The night didn't end there as we went to the casino. Was the casino a good idea? Of course it was, it was Thanksgiving night. Why not give thanks or thank the art of giving by giving money to the casino? We all ended up losing money. I forgot to mention I was Earthy A and Sleepy P. So, we retired to our house and had leftover turkey, mashed potatoes, and other fix ins.

Morning Wood

moisties. I bet women do wake up with morning moisties. Why wouldn't they? They are just like men. They have raging hormones

Twos...........

Bloggy Smloggy 42 (Happy Turkey Day)

Intro/Happy Thanksgiving

What does Thanksgiving mean to you? Thanksgiving is a holiday that most spend time with their loved ones. Thanksgiving is a way for us to give thanks and show gratitude to one another. Thanksgiving for humans is a hallmark moment, filled with love, laughter, & good times. But for turkeys, its a massacre and genocide. While as humans we are enjoying family time over a dead bird, ironically we are sabotaging turkey families everywhere. How you can you sleep at night, when you know you eating a dead turkey who can be someone's turkey mom, turkey sister, or turkey brother. You sickos!! If we have any more thanksgivings, were going to wipe out the turkey race. There are going to be no more turkeys left! Then what??? Thanksgiving as we know it, will be over because we ate all the turkeys!!!! Think of how many you turkeys you have eaten in your lifetime. YOU GODD@MN TURKEY KILLER!!!!

Good Ol Sayings

I like that old fashioned saying, “Behind every man there's a good woman”. Actually, I hate that saying. What's that woman doing behind that man? Does she have a strap on on? Is she giving it to me him? Does this guy have a fetish with his woman behind him getting drilled with a plastic dildo? This is a very valid statement.

Right Hand

The infamous right hand. It's the most acceptable form of greeting one another in a formal and informal setting. It's also a way of saying goodbye. The right hand also is used for eating, writing, playing sports, giving high fives, and doing chores. This is the good side of your right hand. But your right hand also has a dark side. It's the hand you wipe with, masturbate with, pick your butt with, shave your pubes with, and pick your boogers with. This hand does so much good in society but it's also the hand that does so much creepy stuff. Good Meets Evil. This is the hand of bacteria. This is the hand that creates disease, sickness, and epidemics. I'm sure someone can make a post apocalyptic movie called, “THE HAND”, about how one hand started and killed the human race. Be careful, “THE HAND” is going to shake you.

5 Year Anniversary

I had my 5 year anniversary at my work. I give them my all (blood, sweat, and tears). I've gone above and beyond. I've given them 110%. I feel like I did a lot of for this typical company. I'm not going to tell you what company it is, but a certain music group did a certain song for them. That's all I'm going to tell you. What did I get for all the hard work I gave them? I get a special pre typed note from our CEO. I feel very appreciated (can you sense my sarcasm). Where is the box of chocolates, gift certificate, or t shirt???? You know???

Purple Bird Crap

What's up with all the purple bird crap that's plagued this city? It's all over my car, the sidewalks, building, and etc. What the hell are these birds eating? Did they get into a patch of infected grapes? Did a whole bunch of birds rob a pie store and then gorged themselves full of mixed berry pies and started crapping senseless? There's purple sh*t everywhere! These birds are mid air dumping. It looks like a pack of gushers melted on my car windshield. I also don't like how birds can crap during flight. They shouldn't have that privilege.

My Wonderful Weekend

Pizza, Wings, & Beer at Twat's House

Saturday November 19, 2011

My friend Twat is an avid beer collector and consiour. He has a basement with well over 100 different types of micro brews, imports, and limited edition beers. He also makes his own home brew. It's amazing to see and taste all the different beer he has. Whenever we try his beer, we like to call it Beer School, because it's like getting a 'crash course' in Beer 101. I've been to many 'Beer Schools' at his house. Most of the beers are very high in alcohol percentage ranging from 8% to 20%. With that being sad, it didn't take me long to have a buzz. I must've sampled 4-6 beers which was equivalentt to drinking 20 miller lites (since miller lites are low in alcohol). These micro beers had me buzzing.

Later in the night, his buddy from Illinois came and brought over a new concoction that I got familiar with. It was modelo (mexican lager) with Bacardi limon. It actually makes a good mix. Instead of putting a lime in the modelo, why not just say, “f it” , and put in Bacardi limon. This probably lead to me vomiting and passing out at around 11pm.

I arrived at Twats at around 6pm. I enjoyed the korean BBQ wings and dry rub wings. Also, the homemade chicago deep dish pizza was killer as well. I think I ate half the pizza. (This paragraph belonged in the beginning).

Beer School was a success. I think I will continue my studies at Beer School.

Outro

Have a splendid Skanksgiving. Give thanks to all the skanks

I mean have a great Cranksgiving. Show some gratitude to your hand.

Have a great Franksgiving and eat some hot dogs.

I had to end with some idiocracy.

Twos......

Bloggy Smloggy 41

Hi

My 1^st Drug Test

I took my first drug test. It was a litte awkard to pee in a cup. A part of me was insecure and self conscious. I didn't want the nurse to judge my piss. My pee was a bright neon yellow. I hope it didn't look obscure to her. I didn't want her to make fun of my urine to the other nurses when I left. Like, “look at this guy's urine, what the hell does he drink??” I know she must've have seen gallons of gallons of pee, so why should I be worried about my piss? Also, I felt like I was admitting guilt after I took the test, because I immediately asked her, “how will I know if I failed (pause)... I mean I will pass, that is”. I was curious, yet I indirectly admitted guilt. I guess I just wanted to make small talk.

Porno Ideas

I have new idea for a Porn Movie called Fondler on the Roof (based off the play Fiddler on the Roof). It could be about a roofer who is trying to a roof a single lady's house. She is bored with her daily chores, so she climbs up to the roof and offers him lemonade. After a few lemonades, one thing leads to another, and he starts stapling her shingles (if you know what im saying).

Nut Thieves

A nut thief is a girl/boy who takes your nut while your sleeping. This girl/boy goes incognito and waits for you to fall asleep, then gets you off by (a sexual experience). I guess this is borderline rape. Be careful of all those nut thieves out there. You can also call nut thieves squirells, squirells love nuts.

Did you know...

Did you know Rufio from Hook was a rapist? He was the leader of the Lost Boys (who looked like street rats). Think about it. Rufi OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ho-ify Stuff

This is how you turn objects, games, or even food into hoes.

Tic Tac Toe- Tic Tac Ho! I win! I got 3 Ho's in a row!

Suduko- Sudukho is so fun but challenging.

Potato- I love playing Mr. Potatho Head.

Tomato- I love tomathos so much, there so rich in lychopene.

Playdough- I love molding women into Playhough.

xoxo- Instead of saying xoxoxo to your gf. Say this to your ex gf when you write her xhoxhoxho.

My Wonderful Weekend in Arizona

November 10-13, 2011

El Pollo Loco & Minor League Baseball

Thursday November 10, 2011

Arrived in Arizona via Air Tran at around 11:30am. My buddy Nips was there to pick us up. He took us to lunch. It was a fast food joint called, El Pollo Loco. It was like a Mexican KFC because they had flame grilled chicken and your typical mexican fare (tacos, burritos, ie.). I order a burrito, 2 tacos, one chicken leg, and a taquito. This place also has a free salsa bar. I get four kinds of salsas and just slop it on every item I eat there. We get settled into our friends house, get beers, and enjoy some chili/beers before we leave. Then, it's off to a Minor League Baseball game. We arrived to a very light crowd, as the total attendance was 450 fans. It was so quiet in the stadium that you could hear every catch, the players in the outfield, and every conversation in the stands. We were very gassy from Pollo Loco and the homemade chili. Needless to say, we couldn't hold our farts in. We bounced around from section to section getting very nice views of the field. Our best seats were front row first base side. We had an unofficial fart contest. Were pretty sure the top prospect in baseball who was coaching first base at the time heard me fart. We were about 15 feet from him. They were horrid generic fast food farts that smelled like perservatives and chemicals.

Wedding Day!!!! & SandBar

Friday November 11, 2011

One of my good friends got married on this magical evening of 11/11/11. It was truly a beautiful wedding in a backyard overlooking the mountains. There was candy, a pool, hor douvers, and a awesome bathroom. This was not ordinary port a potty, it was called the “Royal Restroom”. It was equipped with mints, body spray, nail clippers, tissue, and tums. It had picture frames with great artwork. I enjoyed the open bar (jack daniels, scotch, bacardi, vodka, and tequila). We played a game called Russian Roulette with vodka. The bartender would pour 1 water shot and 3 vodkas, then mix them around so you wouldn't know what you were taking. I played this game several times, and suprisingly got water a lot. I'm not sure if I was the winner or loser. One unfornutate man got the vodka 3 times in a row and started yelling “f*ck you” to the bartender. Luckily, only one person fell into the pool. We had this plan to have me “accidently” fall into the pool but this girl beat me to it. On a serious note, if your reading Bergy, “Congrats to you and your soulmate!”.

Then it was off to a place called Sandbar (which was a bar full of sand). There were probably 10 of us from the wedding. I ordered a rum/coke thinking it was not going to be $5. Think again, try $10.50. I payed with my credit card and actually wrote in, “50 cents” on the reciept in where it says tip. It was a short too. I swear to god, I am a magnet to other creeps because I meet this guy on the dance floor. He looks alone, so I indirectly introduce myself, and we talk throughout the night. He offers me and the 2 others I was with a ride home. It's a little awkard because he keeps telling me, “just let me know what time you guys want to leave” or “don't take a taxi, I can get you home”. I'm all about it, but the others are like this guy is a creep, lets not. In retrospect, good idea guys. I pass out at my friend's parents' house on there couch in my underwear. But first, I eat a bowl of chili and play with a temperature gun. We use the temp gun to gauge our butt, crotch, and mouths. It gets a little weird. However, the next morning we guage one of my farts. We took a butt sample at 84 degrees (pre fart). Then, as I let one out, I told the guy with the temp gun to take a sample. Boom, he got it, my fart was 86 degress, so it was 2 degrees hotter. That's science my friends.

Panda Express & My New Gift

November 12, 2011

Today, I was hungover as sh*t. The Panda Express helped me get through the day as I got 3 entree dish. We watched the Badger game and layed around. My buddy gave me a gift of hair because he knew I'm avid collector of his hair. It all started 2 years ago when he got married. He had very long hair before the wedding, but wanted to look good, so he got it caught short. I asked him if I could keep it. So, he gave it to me.

A year later he was in Milwaukee for another wedding. While he was in my room, he noticed I still had my hair. I don't even remember keeping his hair. Kind of gross, if you think about it. Now, I have 2 different versions of his hair. I was a little worried that I wouldn't have gotten his hair through the security checkpoint at the airport but it did. I'm not sure, what I would've said. I thought security was going to think that I was using the hair as I disguise for a beard for a terrorist attack. Then they were going to detain me in a holding cell and use torture methods to get me to admit to something I didn't do. I think too much.

2's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloggy Smloggy 40

Intro

So, I only got diarrhea once in Europe while on vacation. Yes, just once in a one month span. To me, this is a victory. A victory for humanity. More importantly, a victory for America. Yet, it takes only 3 days, that I'm back in Milwaukee, and my body starts regurgitating die to rhee to the ah.. Seriously, what's in the air here? What's in the water? What the hell am I'm eating? You know how magazines rate cities by the health, cleanliness, family orientated, and what city is the richest? Well, im declaring that Milwaukee is the diarrhea capital of the USA. There are more cases of diarrhea in Milwaukee than in other city per capita. I'm sure I account for most of cases out there. I might go as far as it's the diarrhea capital of the world. How about that for the tag line for the city? “Milwaukee, it's the Diarrhea Capital of the World”. Slap that saying on a t shirt and I'll buy it. Tourism would sky rocket. Think about it, people love sick twisted sh*t.

Random Thought

I have developed a new alter ego. He is a medieval knight that can't control his amount of seamen. His name is Sir ComesAlot from CameAlot. He is born from the great King SkeetOnMe.

F Forrest Gump

“Momma always said Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what your going to get”. You couldn't be any wronger Forest Gump. Of course you know what your going to get. Your going to get a box of chocolates. That was the dumbest movie quote in the history of mankind. I'm actually making my own version of Forest Gump and call it Forrest Dump. It will be based on a true story of my life when I took a dump in the Forest (forest meaning a disc golf course).

My Dream Wedding

I have often thought about the day I get married. It won't be her day, it will be his day aka my day. I want to have a Hall & Oates cover band to play all night. I want jesters to blow trumpets when I arrive and yell “ye olde” phrases. “Here ye Here ye, all rise for his lordship”. I don't want one Earth, Wind, & Fire song to play. Were not playing “Celebration”, “YMCA”, or doing the shuffle. I'm going to have a beer bong as the centerpiece at each table. I'm going to have no bridesmaids or groomsmen. I'm going to have a t shirt cannon shooting free t shirts. Everyone loves free t shirts, don't they.

Couples

I like the term, “there the hottest new item out there”, that the media uses to describe celebrity couples. I often say that about my friends who date. Like, for example, “did you see Joe Blow and Sally Sue at Burger King, canoodling, and feeding each other french fries.” “Yeah, there the hottest item in Milwaukee right now, they seem so in love, there all over each other”. Skip that. Couples are so arrogant, you know? They always try to show other couples up and out flirt or out love each other. Get a room!!!! Then you have the typical cliché snide comment that each other make towards each other. For instance, the girl in the relationship makes comments like, “yep he's mine”, “i can't get him to do anything for me”, or “this what is signed up for” very sarcastically. Then the guys always says, “that's the boss, got to ask the boss” or “that's the ole ball n chain”. Grow a set, fellas.

New Slang Word

Schnitzel

What's up my Schnitzel? Fo Schnitzel My Schnitzel. Schnitzel What!

Pulling Numbers is so 2000 and late

It's a pretty standard procedure to go out and “pull a number” at a local watering hole from a skanky skeez, right? Well, I was out one night and my buddy was talking to a girl all night. I asked him if he pulled her number. He said, “no”. I was confused because he was talking to this girl all night long. It was like he was going to work, he punched in then punched out. He put a full 8 hour day in. We actually left the club and he went back to get her number. So, in a sense, he was putting in overtime. He goes back in the bar, finds her, and comes back 10 minutes later. I ask him, “so, did you get it?” He says, “No, I got something better. I got her coordinates. She gave me her address”. I'm confused, so I ask, “you got her coordinates in longitude and latitude, what's going on?” It was the first time I've heard someone say they've pulled coordinates and not a number. I guess that's what's hot in the streets. Skip the digits, go for the location.

Middle of Nowhere

What's up with people who drive and say, “were lost, were in the middle of nowhere”. How do you know where the middle of nowhere is? How do you know your not in the northern area of nowhere? Or the west side of nowhere? Ya know? If you drove to the middle of nowhere, then you must'veDemtri Martin would say)

My Wonderful Weekend

Friday November 4, 2011

Polish Vodka Tasting

Went to the Polish Center of Wisconsin to sample vodka, food, and watch traditional Polish dancing. I sampled many different vodkas from orange, citrus, grapefruit, potato, rye, wild berry, caramel, vanilla , wheat, bison grass, raspberry, and Krupnik (which tasted like honey). I did not know these vodkas existed. I was so used to Gordons and Fleischmann's (as my buddy Henze puts it, gut rot vodka). These vodkas didn't even make me squirm or make a funny face. I believe we were the youngest people there. In the words of my old man, who was a fond drinker of vodka, “vodka is vodka”.

Saturday November 5, 2011

Potowatomi Comedy Show, Rumpus Room, & Dicks

I attended a free comedy show with friends and family at Potowatomi. It's a great way to see up and coming acts and get some laughs. We saw some real “knee slappers”. One of the comedians singled our group out, since we were the youngest group there. He pointed to me and asked me my name and used me as a reference point the whole night. He would say, “look at you with your stylish hair”. I've never styled my hair in whole life. He basically was giving tips on what to do when your older. His name was Dean Napolotino (funny guy). Then, I played video blackjack and doubled my $ (aka won $5). The casino is a very dark creepy place. You watch people lose money that shouldn't be. I guess if you want to feel better about your life, go to the casino and watch all the scum lose their money, and think “at least I'm not that guy”. Maybe, I could be wrong, and all these people we think shouldn't be there, are rich and dress like low lifes to fit that part.

Whatever, it was off to the Rumpus Room (no not a strip club). But, a new trendy “gastro pub” that serves fine English food in a dimly lit atmosphere. Highly recommend it if you got $$ to shell out. I accidentally ate the toothpick in my sandwich while in front of the waiter. He apologized but I reiterated, “it was my stupid mouth that ate the darn thing”. Then it was off to Dicks for a pitcher of Blue Moon. It's fun to people watch when your sober. You have the ability to analyze all these people dressed up and make of them. It's great if your cynical. So, it was a typical laid back night for a new laid back me.

Twos.....

Bloggy Smloggy 39 (European Version)

The European Wet Dream

Intro

The most anticipated return to blogging in blogging history. It's comparable to when Michael Jordan came back to play basketball. Actually, in reality, it's like when the Indianapolis Colts brought Kerry Collins out of retirement to play for the injured Peyton Manning. No one believes that it'll work. This is the most un sought out blog of the year. Yes, I'm back to self deprecation folks. This blog will feature my one month trip to Europe. Will cry, will laugh, and then probably cry some more. Let's get into this biatchhhh (biatchhh meaning blog).

Background

This trip started on Monday October 3^rd until November 1^st visiting 8 countries and numerous cities. We traveled on train throughout Europe, staying at hostels, and meeting many travelers on the way. I feel some travelers are as pretentious and cliché as hipsters. However, I met a lot of good people as well. To save money, we often shopped at grocery stores and drank in the hostel lounge. This was a good way to eat on the cheap and meet people. When I say we (I went with my brother). I did not have one bad experience with any Europeans, as everyone was friendly. I felt safe as I encountered no pick pocketers. I actually feel less safe in Milwaukee than I do in Europe. This was my first trip overseas in another country. This is a trip many people thought I would get arrested, kidnapped, or sold into the sex trade. I would like to tell all the naysayers out there, that I'm alive, did not get arrested, and was not sold into the sex trade (however, I had no qualms about making a little extra cash on the side).

Origins of People I Met

France, Germany, Australian, England, Spain, San Diego, New York, Lithuania, Canada, India, South Carolina, Netherlands, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Indiana, Denmark, Iceland, Poland, Italy, Israel, Iceland, Brazil, Columbia, South Africa, Finland, Austria, Poland, Slovenia, Michigan

Countries People Thought I was From

On several occasions people thought I was from Spain. I got one, “Hey are you from Brazil”.

Food I ate

Frankfurter, 8 Kabobs, Goulash, Lasagna, Pasta, Chicken Wings, Chinese, Indian, Thai, paninis, Indonesian, pizza, bruschetta, sub sandwich, enchiladas, hot dog, crepes, gelato, as well as our own food in hostel kitchens.

What I forgot to Bring- towel, soap, a nice shirt

What I shouldn't of brought- Snuggie, Flannel Shirt

London, England

October 4^th -October 7^th

We arrive at the London Airport at 8am Tuesday morning. I say to my brother as were walking off the plane, “I can see myself living here”, without seeing any of the sights first. At first, we were shy timid travelers afraid to ask people how to get our hostel and how to find the train. This was one of the few countries that English was the main language. Oddly enough, I thought there English was different from American English.

My first experience in a hostel was definitely awkward at first. We are in 10 bedroom room with random strangers. We see Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, China Town (yes there is a china town in London), London Bridge, a big Castle of some sort, Thames River, go to a few markets, and multiple free museums. We also went to the gay capital of the UK in Brighton , England. Very cool city off the Ocean, I wish I saw more gays but I didn't. Went to a bar that played old school hip hop which I was amazed of the quality of songs chosen. Another, cool thing about this bar, was that it had a pen from Potowatomi Casino (which is a casino I frequent in Milwaukee). Hmm, another degenerate gambler from Milwaukee must've been at that same little bar I was at. England, was a very expensive stay. I exchanged $100 USD and they gave me back $57 pound which is there currency. Right off the bat, we lost $30. It didn't help that we went to casino to win back some money. We ended up losing $30 pound to online blackjack. I've also never seen a more quality McDonald's with a wealth of quality looking business men and women at 10:00pm at night after a night of drinking pints.

Paris, France

October 8^t

It's off to Paris via the Chunnel (high speed train) which goes under the Ocean. Obviously, if you don't know your geography, England and France are not connected by land. Our buddy, Orphee, picks us up and gives us a driving tour in what he called his “bum car”. I felt like I was in a micro machine. The roundabouts are crazy. I felt like I was going to get in an accident several times. We see the Eiffel Tower, Cathedrals, outside of Museums, and Notre Dame. Ya know, we do the whole touristy thing. We got food at this grocery store in the outskirts of Paris. No one spoke English, so while in the grocery store I talked in English swears to my brother. No one gave us dirty looks as I was saying, “f*ck f*ck sh*t d@mn f*ck a$$hole” while shopping for food. Later, that night we go to a club called the Circus. It's literally a circus tent. It was a “club” that played early 90s songs such as macrena and cotton eyed joe

Brussels, Belgium

October 9^th

We arrive in Brussels at 5:00pm. We have to find our hostel and end up getting on the wrong tram while leaving the train station. We go the opposite direction and end up the “hood” or what looks like a poor area. A guy in another language asks me for directions about the bus. I respond, “sorry, me no speak English”. Judging by my response, I apparently don't speak English either. I meant to say, “sorry, I only speak English” He walks away and asks someone else. We are scared to ask people for directions because no one speaks English , they all speak French. I get the courage to ask someone where my hostel is, as I point to a handwritten address. He is from Texas and tells me exactly where to go, I'm relieved. At first, I thought he was a local. We go to the famous “Delirium” bar which has over 2,000 beers. It's menu of beers looks like a phone book. We enjoy a couple of beers and tell these girls were from USA. She calls us fake Americans and says were from Spain. Whatever, she was from South Carolina. Enough said. We also went to this absinthe bar that had over 200 kinds of absinthe. We each take a shot but unfortunalty do not see the “green ferry”. Instead, I saw a “fat red unicorn”. There is a great cover band who sings Michael Jackson's Billie Jean in a very high emo voice.

Amsterdam, Netherlands

October 10-12^th

The first thing we do in Amsterdam was go right to the Red Light District. This place is 10-12 blocks of fake tittied hookers in windows. It really exists. I was in awe of this, as I've never seen hookers in windows. There are also, some big women in there too, for those who like the large variety. Ironically, these were first floors of apartment buildings, as people lived above these places of sexual deviance. A day did not go by in which we didn't smoke or go to the Red Light District. One day we smoked 7 joints and saw a sex show. Yes, bananas were involved, as a pen, and real life sex. These girls will put anything in there cooch. We did get one “historical view” in and saw the Van Gogh museum on space cakes. The space cake was mild but I'm sure that was a good thing. This place is also full of bicycles, I couldn't tell you how many times, I almost got ran over by a biker. I was so high in Amsterdam that I told my brother, “i've smoked myself sober”. A lot of times people offered us joints. It was surreal. We would go into a “coffeeshop”, buy a few joints, and just walk with them. The town reeked of weed and old man cum from the red light district. With that being said, one of my favorite times.

Dusseldorf, Germany

October 13th

I would've enjoyed Dusseldorf more, if we didn't get lost for 2 hours when we first got there. We checked into our hotel and asked the receptionist, “where is the river and this area?” She gave us a map and said, “it's right here just follow this road.” Even with generic directions, we still found a way to f it up. Eventually, we found the river and “the longest bar in the world”. Dusseldorf, has a vibrant night life, which consists of the most bars in a small area, thus getting “the worlds longest bar”. We go to this Irish bar which has karaoke night. It was ironic yet entertaining seeing Germans sing American Pop Songs from Nirvana to Lady Gaga. We met this guy from England who bought us 3 rounds of Guinness beer. He had a girlfriend from Indiana who taught English in Dusseldorf. The man from England was a omen to our trip. After that, we went to bar that had a DJ playing dub step. Dub step is cool for one song, then it just feels like your in a deleted scene of Robocop. We meet a lot of nice Germans who wondered why we were in Dusseldorf (smaller German City). I tell one guy I'm from Milwaukee and ask him if he knows where it is. He says “yeah”, and then I ask him how, he responds “from the Simpsons”. God bless you Homer.

Hamburg, Germany

October 14^th

We checkout 2 hours after we are supposed to. I wake up to housekeeping saying that they need to clean the room, I brush them off saying come back in a hour. Now, it's off to Hamburg. The train to Hamburg was amusing as we watch 2 young Germans get hammered on the train. Oh yeah, most places in Europe, you can have open containers. We arrive in Hamburg around 7pm. We go to the grocery store and buy a few beers and dinner. As we walk to downtown Hamburg, a taxi driver yells out, “you want to see some pussy”. I respond “no thank you” in the kindest way possible because at first I didn't know what he said. Hamburg's night life reminds me of a little Las Vegas. It's strip is called the reeberbahn, which is full of sex shops, bars, casinos, clubs, and titty bars. We go to the local bars for cheaper drinks. There was a bar called 99 because every drink in there was 99 cents. What a great concept? We also bought beers at place that sold beer to go. You can walk out of bars with beers as long as it's in a plastic cup. What a genious idea. We call it a early night.

Copenhagen, Denmark

October 15-16^th

We arrive in Denmark via a 4 hour train ride which actually goes on a ferry across a body of water. We meet our buddy Misha there and we are hungry, so we get the best schwerma sandwich I ever had. Schwerma is middle eastern beef, it's heaven. Then, he takes us to this place called “pusher street” aka “the green light district”. It's a small colony of artist, hippies, and drug dealers who sell hash and pot. It reminds me of the movie Water World for some odd reason as it's own little area outside of Copenhagen. We finish a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label (or I do). As you know me, I never buy the good stuff, so this stuff goes down like purified water. We smoke up and go to a few clubs. The Danish are friendly and very trustworthy (I don't know why I just made this assumption. It's 3 am at this point and it takes us 1 hour to locate the sub system to go home. It's the cleanest and best urban transit system i've ever seen. There is no driver which is a little creepy but nonetheless efficient. I don’t know why I'm talking about the transit system but it's real nice. Oh yeah, Copehagen is very expensive. Drinks at bars averaged out to be about $6 or more (and that's why I didn't buy any).

Berlin, Germany

October 17-18^th

Back to Germany!!! I have German roots, so why not go back to the frankfurter nation. The first night we pre game in our hostel while drinking wine and enjoying pasta. We met some chick from Canada, who was our roommate that gave us free ice cream and blood sausage. Blood sausage is gross. We go out for a bit, enjoying a pint at local micro brewery and trying to find a club called “The Weekender” on a weekday. Berlin is great but so big so we decide to see some history and touristy stuff the next day.

We do a walking tour of Berlin and learn about the history of how Berlin came to be. We saw the Berlin Wall, Cathedrals, Theaters, Holocaust tribute, but most importantly, we saw the hotel where Micheal Jackson dangled his baby blanket from his hotel window. Later that night, we go a bar crawl which is 12 Euros . This was a rip off but a blast. That's why we pre gamed and finished a bottle of rum before we left. They gave us free small shots of random weak liqours at 4 different bars. I became cool with the whole group so they hooked me up with the shots they didn't want.. I met this very cool dude from Ireland, we discussed the movie Mighty Ducks. We mentioned the likes the Goldberg and Gordon Bombay. I also met this guy from Brazil and asked him, “isn't Brazil the STD capitol of the world?” We ended up at this club Matrix until 3am. I met a lot of cool Germans, except for the one German that looked like Dolph Lungdren. He wanted to beat me up because I was dancing like a fool.

Prague, Czech Republic

October 19-20^th

I instantly fall in love with Prague because it's super duper cheap. Beers are ridiculuosly affordable and they say they drink more beer per capita than any other city. We saw the Castle, Charles St. Bridge, Cathedrals, and Old Town. After we do the touristy stuff, we go back to our hostel for free crepes, beer, and Fernet. Fernet is an digestive liqueur from Italy. We finished the bottle while talking to a Columbian about Latin America and Germany. Great guy, he gives us his card and says were more than welcome to visit him in Columbia. It's not before long that all of this European food, crepes, beer, and liquor adds up thus destroying me. Read no further if you don't want to hear a story about me crapping my pants in the middle of downtown Prague. Ya know what, skip it, I'm not going to tell you this story. Does anyone, honestly want to hear me talk about me pooping my pants. If you really want to know details, email at nakednudedude@gmail.com . Downtown Prague gets dirty as its full of prostitutes, drug dealers, and dude's that crap their pants (oh wait that was me). It's full of people trying to hustle me, to go into there strip clubs, casinos, or buy fake drugs from them. We walk an 1 hour to our hostel. Rightfully so, I shower myself and wash my poop pants in the shower. I miss you Prague.

Vienna, Austria

October 21-23

The home of The Terminator and Bruno. Vasss UPPP!! We stay at my brother's friends' house which is nice. We get home cooked meals, drinks, and best of all no random creeps sleeping in the same room as us. We go to few bars and enjoy Austrian beer and cocktails. They sure love there spritzer (wine and soda). The first night we check out this underground DJ club that reminds me of a college basement party times 10. Apparently, the club gets raided because people are smoking weed and doing drugs. However, I don't realize this, even though the music stops, all the lights turn on, and half the people leave.

The next day we see the sights and see the same old cathedrals. Like I say, “you've been to one european city, you've been to them all”. Truly a false statement. This night we go to a college graduation party for someone. We take a vicodin and drink several beers. I'm secretly buzzed but don't really know it until we get home. We got the keys to the girl's apartment because they stayed out longer than we did. We raided there kitchen making frankfurters and eating candy. I found a glass jar of what I thought was chocolates but when I opened it and tasted it, I realized it was chicken bouillon. Then it was off to Italy via an overnight train. Probably the creepiest rides I've ever had. We woke up to police and ticket checkers asking us for our tickets and passports. It was a 12 hour train ride, luckily I feel asleep for most of it.

Maniago, Italy

October 24-28

Maniago is a small town in Northern Italy. Our buddy Matt lives there because there is a military base in a nearby town. This week was our comedown from staying in hostels and being on the go. It was a good time to relax, play video games, and watch movies. It had a tanning bed which I faked baked in, and a personal sauna which I used twice. We ate out every night, as I ate pizza every day except for one day. I also indulged myself in Gelato (italian ice cream).

Thursday night was American night. We went to an american restaurant called BeFed. Ate roasted chicken then went to an bar called “California bar”. We ate chicken wings and drank several beers there.. We also went to Guinness bar, which they only served Guinness products. Later that night,we went to a karaoke bar near the base. I ended up doing 2 of my favorite songs, Blessed Union of Souls- Hey Leonardo and Backstreet Boys- I want it that way. I realize I'm a horrible singer but I get an A for effort. The ride home was a little blurry as the driver was weaving in and out of the road. At one point, we missed our stop, so we all cheered him on to drive through this field to get on the right road.

Word of advice don’t get mexican food in a small town in Italy. But if you do, don't get cheesy fries and hamburgers like the people next to us.

I also did some jogging with my new friend, Leo. We were supposed to run 3 miles but ended up running 7 miles. After running 7 miles, I of course hurt my right foot hurt. I ended up limping the last 3 days of my trip. It's a week later and I still limp. I have no clue why, it's not swollen or broke.

Florence, Italy

October 29-30^th

I guess this is the city where they filmed the Jersey Shore, so with that being said I was a happy man. We took the scenic route to Florence through the Alps which was very beautiful, yet another 2 hours long. It was worth it. We got to Florence and I was very ancy since I've been in a car for 6 hours. I cracked open a bottle of Rum which I bought 3 days ago. We (as in me and my brother) finished the bottle of rum in 20 minutes in our hotel. Then, it was off to eat. We ordered around $80 of food at a small restuarant. The waiter enjoyed our company and brought us free wine and pasta dish. I liked him a lot, he smiled and was very tiny.

Then me and my brother walk around the city, I limp because of my bum foot. That's also the reason, I drank heavily. I wanted to numb my foot of the pain I had. We go to this club called Space Bar. It's different from clubs here, because you pay when you leave. They give you a drink ticket, in where they hole punch your ticket every time you have a drink. If you lose this card, its 50 Euro. This club smelled like a stinky armpit and was full of creepy Italian dudes. People had no respect as they walked right through you if you were dancing. I acted like a raver because they handed out free glow sticks. It was 3am and I had to find a way to sneak out. Yes, I know were used to sneaking into clubs but this time I had to find a way to sneak out. I didn't want to pay $20 for my drink ticket. My bro had this idea to sneak out the emergency exit. So, I leaned back on the doors until it opened, the alarm goes off, I walk 10 feet out and look back to see if he is coming. Instead, I'm grabbed by security and walked back into the club to pay. I play the innocent role and tell them, “i just leaned back and the alarm went off, Im sorry, Im sorry”. I see my bro in the club and asked him, “why you didn't follow me?” He said “they had already closed the door”. I guess that was a good thing that we didn't run. He had a sprain ankle and I had a bum foot.

The following morning we did the tourist thing as I hobbled throughout the city with my bum foot. On the way back we went to see the leaning tower of Pisa. I was a bit hungover and tired. I went to bed early knowing that we had a long day of travel the next day.

Maniago Train Station, Venice Airport, and Madrid Airport

October 31^st

Our last day in Europe was spent in 1 train station and 2 airports. We left our buddy's house at 11am thinking we were going to catch a train to Venice pretty early. However, we waited at this small town train station for 4 hours. Our train finally came at 3:30pm, luckily I had a book to read, and finished it. It must've been an omen. We hustled our way to the airport and made it to Madrid. Madrid looked like it would've been a fun city. We booked a hotel and rested for our 8 hour flight home. Bon voyage Europe you have been good to me.

Oh yeah if you want to hear about the wet dream I had I can email you that story too.

Hit me up at nakednudedude@gmail.com

Conclusion

I realize that we take a lot of things for granted here. Most places don't have free water at restaurants, or have water fountains, while here we have a problem on what to call these water devices, are they fountains or bubblers? In Germany, most places you have to pay for bathrooms. Yes, a right to take a piss or dump, you have to pay for in Germany. Also, all the cars are small. There are no SUVs or high powered electronics that waste a lot of power. Everyone, at least the younger population, is bilingual and can speak better english than you and me. In a instance, they are speaking their native tongue, then without a skip, they are speaking English like it was there official language. In the end, I miss Europe. But on the other end, I miss Freedom (lame patriotic joke).

Twos