Bloggy Smloggy 41

Hi

My 1^st Drug Test

I took my first drug test. It was a litte awkard to pee in a cup. A part of me was insecure and self conscious. I didn't want the nurse to judge my piss. My pee was a bright neon yellow. I hope it didn't look obscure to her. I didn't want her to make fun of my urine to the other nurses when I left. Like, “look at this guy's urine, what the hell does he drink??” I know she must've have seen gallons of gallons of pee, so why should I be worried about my piss? Also, I felt like I was admitting guilt after I took the test, because I immediately asked her, “how will I know if I failed (pause)... I mean I will pass, that is”. I was curious, yet I indirectly admitted guilt. I guess I just wanted to make small talk.

Porno Ideas

I have new idea for a Porn Movie called Fondler on the Roof (based off the play Fiddler on the Roof). It could be about a roofer who is trying to a roof a single lady's house. She is bored with her daily chores, so she climbs up to the roof and offers him lemonade. After a few lemonades, one thing leads to another, and he starts stapling her shingles (if you know what im saying).

Nut Thieves

A nut thief is a girl/boy who takes your nut while your sleeping. This girl/boy goes incognito and waits for you to fall asleep, then gets you off by (a sexual experience). I guess this is borderline rape. Be careful of all those nut thieves out there. You can also call nut thieves squirells, squirells love nuts.

Did you know...

Did you know Rufio from Hook was a rapist? He was the leader of the Lost Boys (who looked like street rats). Think about it. Rufi OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ho-ify Stuff

This is how you turn objects, games, or even food into hoes.

Tic Tac Toe- Tic Tac Ho! I win! I got 3 Ho's in a row!

Suduko- Sudukho is so fun but challenging.

Potato- I love playing Mr. Potatho Head.

Tomato- I love tomathos so much, there so rich in lychopene.

Playdough- I love molding women into Playhough.

xoxo- Instead of saying xoxoxo to your gf. Say this to your ex gf when you write her xhoxhoxho.

My Wonderful Weekend in Arizona

November 10-13, 2011

El Pollo Loco & Minor League Baseball

Thursday November 10, 2011

Arrived in Arizona via Air Tran at around 11:30am. My buddy Nips was there to pick us up. He took us to lunch. It was a fast food joint called, El Pollo Loco. It was like a Mexican KFC because they had flame grilled chicken and your typical mexican fare (tacos, burritos, ie.). I order a burrito, 2 tacos, one chicken leg, and a taquito. This place also has a free salsa bar. I get four kinds of salsas and just slop it on every item I eat there. We get settled into our friends house, get beers, and enjoy some chili/beers before we leave. Then, it's off to a Minor League Baseball game. We arrived to a very light crowd, as the total attendance was 450 fans. It was so quiet in the stadium that you could hear every catch, the players in the outfield, and every conversation in the stands. We were very gassy from Pollo Loco and the homemade chili. Needless to say, we couldn't hold our farts in. We bounced around from section to section getting very nice views of the field. Our best seats were front row first base side. We had an unofficial fart contest. Were pretty sure the top prospect in baseball who was coaching first base at the time heard me fart. We were about 15 feet from him. They were horrid generic fast food farts that smelled like perservatives and chemicals.

Wedding Day!!!! & SandBar

Friday November 11, 2011

One of my good friends got married on this magical evening of 11/11/11. It was truly a beautiful wedding in a backyard overlooking the mountains. There was candy, a pool, hor douvers, and a awesome bathroom. This was not ordinary port a potty, it was called the “Royal Restroom”. It was equipped with mints, body spray, nail clippers, tissue, and tums. It had picture frames with great artwork. I enjoyed the open bar (jack daniels, scotch, bacardi, vodka, and tequila). We played a game called Russian Roulette with vodka. The bartender would pour 1 water shot and 3 vodkas, then mix them around so you wouldn't know what you were taking. I played this game several times, and suprisingly got water a lot. I'm not sure if I was the winner or loser. One unfornutate man got the vodka 3 times in a row and started yelling “f*ck you” to the bartender. Luckily, only one person fell into the pool. We had this plan to have me “accidently” fall into the pool but this girl beat me to it. On a serious note, if your reading Bergy, “Congrats to you and your soulmate!”.

Then it was off to a place called Sandbar (which was a bar full of sand). There were probably 10 of us from the wedding. I ordered a rum/coke thinking it was not going to be $5. Think again, try $10.50. I payed with my credit card and actually wrote in, “50 cents” on the reciept in where it says tip. It was a short too. I swear to god, I am a magnet to other creeps because I meet this guy on the dance floor. He looks alone, so I indirectly introduce myself, and we talk throughout the night. He offers me and the 2 others I was with a ride home. It's a little awkard because he keeps telling me, “just let me know what time you guys want to leave” or “don't take a taxi, I can get you home”. I'm all about it, but the others are like this guy is a creep, lets not. In retrospect, good idea guys. I pass out at my friend's parents' house on there couch in my underwear. But first, I eat a bowl of chili and play with a temperature gun. We use the temp gun to gauge our butt, crotch, and mouths. It gets a little weird. However, the next morning we guage one of my farts. We took a butt sample at 84 degrees (pre fart). Then, as I let one out, I told the guy with the temp gun to take a sample. Boom, he got it, my fart was 86 degress, so it was 2 degrees hotter. That's science my friends.

Panda Express & My New Gift

November 12, 2011

Today, I was hungover as sh*t. The Panda Express helped me get through the day as I got 3 entree dish. We watched the Badger game and layed around. My buddy gave me a gift of hair because he knew I'm avid collector of his hair. It all started 2 years ago when he got married. He had very long hair before the wedding, but wanted to look good, so he got it caught short. I asked him if I could keep it. So, he gave it to me.

A year later he was in Milwaukee for another wedding. While he was in my room, he noticed I still had my hair. I don't even remember keeping his hair. Kind of gross, if you think about it. Now, I have 2 different versions of his hair. I was a little worried that I wouldn't have gotten his hair through the security checkpoint at the airport but it did. I'm not sure, what I would've said. I thought security was going to think that I was using the hair as I disguise for a beard for a terrorist attack. Then they were going to detain me in a holding cell and use torture methods to get me to admit to something I didn't do. I think too much.

2's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!