The European Wet Dream
Intro
The most anticipated return to blogging in blogging history. It's comparable to when Michael Jordan came back to play basketball. Actually, in reality, it's like when the Indianapolis Colts brought Kerry Collins out of retirement to play for the injured Peyton Manning. No one believes that it'll work. This is the most un sought out blog of the year. Yes, I'm back to self deprecation folks. This blog will feature my one month trip to Europe. Will cry, will laugh, and then probably cry some more. Let's get into this biatchhhh (biatchhh meaning blog).
Background
This trip started on Monday October 3rd until November 1st visiting 8 countries and numerous cities. We traveled on train throughout Europe, staying at hostels, and meeting many travelers on the way. I feel some travelers are as pretentious and cliché as hipsters. However, I met a lot of good people as well. To save money, we often shopped at grocery stores and drank in the hostel lounge. This was a good way to eat on the cheap and meet people. When I say we (I went with my brother). I did not have one bad experience with any Europeans, as everyone was friendly. I felt safe as I encountered no pick pocketers. I actually feel less safe in Milwaukee than I do in Europe. This was my first trip overseas in another country. This is a trip many people thought I would get arrested, kidnapped, or sold into the sex trade. I would like to tell all the naysayers out there, that I'm alive, did not get arrested, and was not sold into the sex trade (however, I had no qualms about making a little extra cash on the side).
Origins of People I Met
France, Germany, Australian, England, Spain, San Diego, New York, Lithuania, Canada, India, South Carolina, Netherlands, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Indiana, Denmark, Iceland, Poland, Italy, Israel, Iceland, Brazil, Columbia, South Africa, Finland, Austria, Poland, Slovenia, Michigan
Countries People Thought I was From
On several occasions people thought I was from Spain. I got one, “Hey are you from Brazil”.
Food I ate
Frankfurter, 8 Kabobs, Goulash, Lasagna, Pasta, Chicken Wings, Chinese, Indian, Thai, paninis, Indonesian, pizza, bruschetta, sub sandwich, enchiladas, hot dog, crepes, gelato, as well as our own food in hostel kitchens.
What I forgot to Bring- towel, soap, a nice shirt
What I shouldn't of brought- Snuggie, Flannel Shirt
London, England
October 4th -October 7th
We arrive at the London Airport at 8am Tuesday morning. I say to my brother as were walking off the plane, “I can see myself living here”, without seeing any of the sights first. At first, we were shy timid travelers afraid to ask people how to get our hostel and how to find the train. This was one of the few countries that English was the main language. Oddly enough, I thought there English was different from American English.
My first experience in a hostel was definitely awkward at first. We are in 10 bedroom room with random strangers. We see Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, China Town (yes there is a china town in London), London Bridge, a big Castle of some sort, Thames River, go to a few markets, and multiple free museums. We also went to the gay capital of the UK in Brighton , England. Very cool city off the Ocean, I wish I saw more gays but I didn't. Went to a bar that played old school hip hop which I was amazed of the quality of songs chosen. Another, cool thing about this bar, was that it had a pen from Potowatomi Casino (which is a casino I frequent in Milwaukee). Hmm, another degenerate gambler from Milwaukee must've been at that same little bar I was at. England, was a very expensive stay. I exchanged $100 USD and they gave me back $57 pound which is there currency. Right off the bat, we lost $30. It didn't help that we went to casino to win back some money. We ended up losing $30 pound to online blackjack. I've also never seen a more quality McDonald's with a wealth of quality looking business men and women at 10:00pm at night after a night of drinking pints.
Paris, France
October 8t
It's off to Paris via the Chunnel (high speed train) which goes under the Ocean. Obviously, if you don't know your geography, England and France are not connected by land. Our buddy, Orphee, picks us up and gives us a driving tour in what he called his “bum car”. I felt like I was in a micro machine. The roundabouts are crazy. I felt like I was going to get in an accident several times. We see the Eiffel Tower, Cathedrals, outside of Museums, and Notre Dame. Ya know, we do the whole touristy thing. We got food at this grocery store in the outskirts of Paris. No one spoke English, so while in the grocery store I talked in English swears to my brother. No one gave us dirty looks as I was saying, “f*ck f*ck sh*t d@mn f*ck a$$hole” while shopping for food. Later, that night we go to a club called the Circus. It's literally a circus tent. It was a “club” that played early 90s songs such as macrena and cotton eyed joe
Brussels, Belgium
October 9th
We arrive in Brussels at 5:00pm. We have to find our hostel and end up getting on the wrong tram while leaving the train station. We go the opposite direction and end up the “hood” or what looks like a poor area. A guy in another language asks me for directions about the bus. I respond, “sorry, me no speak English”. Judging by my response, I apparently don't speak English either. I meant to say, “sorry, I only speak English” He walks away and asks someone else. We are scared to ask people for directions because no one speaks English , they all speak French. I get the courage to ask someone where my hostel is, as I point to a handwritten address. He is from Texas and tells me exactly where to go, I'm relieved. At first, I thought he was a local. We go to the famous “Delirium” bar which has over 2,000 beers. It's menu of beers looks like a phone book. We enjoy a couple of beers and tell these girls were from USA. She calls us fake Americans and says were from Spain. Whatever, she was from South Carolina. Enough said. We also went to this absinthe bar that had over 200 kinds of absinthe. We each take a shot but unfortunalty do not see the “green ferry”. Instead, I saw a “fat red unicorn”. There is a great cover band who sings Michael Jackson's Billie Jean in a very high emo voice.
Amsterdam, Netherlands
October 10-12th
The first thing we do in Amsterdam was go right to the Red Light District. This place is 10-12 blocks of fake tittied hookers in windows. It really exists. I was in awe of this, as I've never seen hookers in windows. There are also, some big women in there too, for those who like the large variety. Ironically, these were first floors of apartment buildings, as people lived above these places of sexual deviance. A day did not go by in which we didn't smoke or go to the Red Light District. One day we smoked 7 joints and saw a sex show. Yes, bananas were involved, as a pen, and real life sex. These girls will put anything in there cooch. We did get one “historical view” in and saw the Van Gogh museum on space cakes. The space cake was mild but I'm sure that was a good thing. This place is also full of bicycles, I couldn't tell you how many times, I almost got ran over by a biker. I was so high in Amsterdam that I told my brother, “i've smoked myself sober”. A lot of times people offered us joints. It was surreal. We would go into a “coffeeshop”, buy a few joints, and just walk with them. The town reeked of weed and old man cum from the red light district. With that being said, one of my favorite times.
Dusseldorf, Germany
October 13th
I would've enjoyed Dusseldorf more, if we didn't get lost for 2 hours when we first got there. We checked into our hotel and asked the receptionist, “where is the river and this area?” She gave us a map and said, “it's right here just follow this road.” Even with generic directions, we still found a way to f it up. Eventually, we found the river and “the longest bar in the world”. Dusseldorf, has a vibrant night life, which consists of the most bars in a small area, thus getting “the worlds longest bar”. We go to this Irish bar which has karaoke night. It was ironic yet entertaining seeing Germans sing American Pop Songs from Nirvana to Lady Gaga. We met this guy from England who bought us 3 rounds of Guinness beer. He had a girlfriend from Indiana who taught English in Dusseldorf. The man from England was a omen to our trip. After that, we went to bar that had a DJ playing dub step. Dub step is cool for one song, then it just feels like your in a deleted scene of Robocop. We meet a lot of nice Germans who wondered why we were in Dusseldorf (smaller German City). I tell one guy I'm from Milwaukee and ask him if he knows where it is. He says “yeah”, and then I ask him how, he responds “from the Simpsons”. God bless you Homer.
Hamburg, Germany
October 14th
We checkout 2 hours after we are supposed to. I wake up to housekeeping saying that they need to clean the room, I brush them off saying come back in a hour. Now, it's off to Hamburg. The train to Hamburg was amusing as we watch 2 young Germans get hammered on the train. Oh yeah, most places in Europe, you can have open containers. We arrive in Hamburg around 7pm. We go to the grocery store and buy a few beers and dinner. As we walk to downtown Hamburg, a taxi driver yells out, “you want to see some pussy”. I respond “no thank you” in the kindest way possible because at first I didn't know what he said. Hamburg's night life reminds me of a little Las Vegas. It's strip is called the reeberbahn, which is full of sex shops, bars, casinos, clubs, and titty bars. We go to the local bars for cheaper drinks. There was a bar called 99 because every drink in there was 99 cents. What a great concept? We also bought beers at place that sold beer to go. You can walk out of bars with beers as long as it's in a plastic cup. What a genious idea. We call it a early night.
Copenhagen, Denmark
October 15-16th
We arrive in Denmark via a 4 hour train ride which actually goes on a ferry across a body of water. We meet our buddy Misha there and we are hungry, so we get the best schwerma sandwich I ever had. Schwerma is middle eastern beef, it's heaven. Then, he takes us to this place called “pusher street” aka “the green light district”. It's a small colony of artist, hippies, and drug dealers who sell hash and pot. It reminds me of the movie Water World for some odd reason as it's own little area outside of Copenhagen. We finish a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label (or I do). As you know me, I never buy the good stuff, so this stuff goes down like purified water. We smoke up and go to a few clubs. The Danish are friendly and very trustworthy (I don't know why I just made this assumption. It's 3 am at this point and it takes us 1 hour to locate the sub system to go home. It's the cleanest and best urban transit system i've ever seen. There is no driver which is a little creepy but nonetheless efficient. I don’t know why I'm talking about the transit system but it's real nice. Oh yeah, Copehagen is very expensive. Drinks at bars averaged out to be about $6 or more (and that's why I didn't buy any).
Berlin, Germany
October 17-18th
Back to Germany!!! I have German roots, so why not go back to the frankfurter nation. The first night we pre game in our hostel while drinking wine and enjoying pasta. We met some chick from Canada, who was our roommate that gave us free ice cream and blood sausage. Blood sausage is gross. We go out for a bit, enjoying a pint at local micro brewery and trying to find a club called “The Weekender” on a weekday. Berlin is great but so big so we decide to see some history and touristy stuff the next day.
We do a walking tour of Berlin and learn about the history of how Berlin came to be. We saw the Berlin Wall, Cathedrals, Theaters, Holocaust tribute, but most importantly, we saw the hotel where Micheal Jackson dangled his baby blanket from his hotel window. Later that night, we go a bar crawl which is 12 Euros . This was a rip off but a blast. That's why we pre gamed and finished a bottle of rum before we left. They gave us free small shots of random weak liqours at 4 different bars. I became cool with the whole group so they hooked me up with the shots they didn't want.. I met this very cool dude from Ireland, we discussed the movie Mighty Ducks. We mentioned the likes the Goldberg and Gordon Bombay. I also met this guy from Brazil and asked him, “isn't Brazil the STD capitol of the world?” We ended up at this club Matrix until 3am. I met a lot of cool Germans, except for the one German that looked like Dolph Lungdren. He wanted to beat me up because I was dancing like a fool.
Prague, Czech Republic
October 19-20th
I instantly fall in love with Prague because it's super duper cheap. Beers are ridiculuosly affordable and they say they drink more beer per capita than any other city. We saw the Castle, Charles St. Bridge, Cathedrals, and Old Town. After we do the touristy stuff, we go back to our hostel for free crepes, beer, and Fernet. Fernet is an digestive liqueur from Italy. We finished the bottle while talking to a Columbian about Latin America and Germany. Great guy, he gives us his card and says were more than welcome to visit him in Columbia. It's not before long that all of this European food, crepes, beer, and liquor adds up thus destroying me. Read no further if you don't want to hear a story about me crapping my pants in the middle of downtown Prague. Ya know what, skip it, I'm not going to tell you this story. Does anyone, honestly want to hear me talk about me pooping my pants. If you really want to know details, email at nakednudedude@gmail.com . Downtown Prague gets dirty as its full of prostitutes, drug dealers, and dude's that crap their pants (oh wait that was me). It's full of people trying to hustle me, to go into there strip clubs, casinos, or buy fake drugs from them. We walk an 1 hour to our hostel. Rightfully so, I shower myself and wash my poop pants in the shower. I miss you Prague.
Vienna, Austria
October 21-23
The home of The Terminator and Bruno. Vasss UPPP!! We stay at my brother's friends' house which is nice. We get home cooked meals, drinks, and best of all no random creeps sleeping in the same room as us. We go to few bars and enjoy Austrian beer and cocktails. They sure love there spritzer (wine and soda). The first night we check out this underground DJ club that reminds me of a college basement party times 10. Apparently, the club gets raided because people are smoking weed and doing drugs. However, I don't realize this, even though the music stops, all the lights turn on, and half the people leave.
The next day we see the sights and see the same old cathedrals. Like I say, “you've been to one european city, you've been to them all”. Truly a false statement. This night we go to a college graduation party for someone. We take a vicodin and drink several beers. I'm secretly buzzed but don't really know it until we get home. We got the keys to the girl's apartment because they stayed out longer than we did. We raided there kitchen making frankfurters and eating candy. I found a glass jar of what I thought was chocolates but when I opened it and tasted it, I realized it was chicken bouillon. Then it was off to Italy via an overnight train. Probably the creepiest rides I've ever had. We woke up to police and ticket checkers asking us for our tickets and passports. It was a 12 hour train ride, luckily I feel asleep for most of it.
Maniago, Italy
October 24-28
Maniago is a small town in Northern Italy. Our buddy Matt lives there because there is a military base in a nearby town. This week was our comedown from staying in hostels and being on the go. It was a good time to relax, play video games, and watch movies. It had a tanning bed which I faked baked in, and a personal sauna which I used twice. We ate out every night, as I ate pizza every day except for one day. I also indulged myself in Gelato (italian ice cream).
Thursday night was American night. We went to an american restaurant called BeFed. Ate roasted chicken then went to an bar called “California bar”. We ate chicken wings and drank several beers there.. We also went to Guinness bar, which they only served Guinness products. Later that night,we went to a karaoke bar near the base. I ended up doing 2 of my favorite songs, Blessed Union of Souls- Hey Leonardo and Backstreet Boys- I want it that way. I realize I'm a horrible singer but I get an A for effort. The ride home was a little blurry as the driver was weaving in and out of the road. At one point, we missed our stop, so we all cheered him on to drive through this field to get on the right road.
Word of advice don’t get mexican food in a small town in Italy. But if you do, don't get cheesy fries and hamburgers like the people next to us.
I also did some jogging with my new friend, Leo. We were supposed to run 3 miles but ended up running 7 miles. After running 7 miles, I of course hurt my right foot hurt. I ended up limping the last 3 days of my trip. It's a week later and I still limp. I have no clue why, it's not swollen or broke.
Florence, Italy
October 29-30th
I guess this is the city where they filmed the Jersey Shore, so with that being said I was a happy man. We took the scenic route to Florence through the Alps which was very beautiful, yet another 2 hours long. It was worth it. We got to Florence and I was very ancy since I've been in a car for 6 hours. I cracked open a bottle of Rum which I bought 3 days ago. We (as in me and my brother) finished the bottle of rum in 20 minutes in our hotel. Then, it was off to eat. We ordered around $80 of food at a small restuarant. The waiter enjoyed our company and brought us free wine and pasta dish. I liked him a lot, he smiled and was very tiny.
Then me and my brother walk around the city, I limp because of my bum foot. That's also the reason, I drank heavily. I wanted to numb my foot of the pain I had. We go to this club called Space Bar. It's different from clubs here, because you pay when you leave. They give you a drink ticket, in where they hole punch your ticket every time you have a drink. If you lose this card, its 50 Euro. This club smelled like a stinky armpit and was full of creepy Italian dudes. People had no respect as they walked right through you if you were dancing. I acted like a raver because they handed out free glow sticks. It was 3am and I had to find a way to sneak out. Yes, I know were used to sneaking into clubs but this time I had to find a way to sneak out. I didn't want to pay $20 for my drink ticket. My bro had this idea to sneak out the emergency exit. So, I leaned back on the doors until it opened, the alarm goes off, I walk 10 feet out and look back to see if he is coming. Instead, I'm grabbed by security and walked back into the club to pay. I play the innocent role and tell them, “i just leaned back and the alarm went off, Im sorry, Im sorry”. I see my bro in the club and asked him, “why you didn't follow me?” He said “they had already closed the door”. I guess that was a good thing that we didn't run. He had a sprain ankle and I had a bum foot.
The following morning we did the tourist thing as I hobbled throughout the city with my bum foot. On the way back we went to see the leaning tower of Pisa. I was a bit hungover and tired. I went to bed early knowing that we had a long day of travel the next day.
Maniago Train Station, Venice Airport, and Madrid Airport
October 31st
Our last day in Europe was spent in 1 train station and 2 airports. We left our buddy's house at 11am thinking we were going to catch a train to Venice pretty early. However, we waited at this small town train station for 4 hours. Our train finally came at 3:30pm, luckily I had a book to read, and finished it. It must've been an omen. We hustled our way to the airport and made it to Madrid. Madrid looked like it would've been a fun city. We booked a hotel and rested for our 8 hour flight home. Bon voyage Europe you have been good to me.
Oh yeah if you want to hear about the wet dream I had I can email you that story too.
Hit me up at nakednudedude@gmail.com
Conclusion
I realize that we take a lot of things for granted here. Most places don't have free water at restaurants, or have water fountains, while here we have a problem on what to call these water devices, are they fountains or bubblers? In Germany, most places you have to pay for bathrooms. Yes, a right to take a piss or dump, you have to pay for in Germany. Also, all the cars are small. There are no SUVs or high powered electronics that waste a lot of power. Everyone, at least the younger population, is bilingual and can speak better english than you and me. In a instance, they are speaking their native tongue, then without a skip, they are speaking English like it was there official language. In the end, I miss Europe. But on the other end, I miss Freedom (lame patriotic joke).
Twos
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