I'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk............. I got got a lot of sh*t in my head that I need to dump out. Here are my thoughts do what you will with them. Thanks for the therapy. It's good to get this sh*t off my chest. Why does the word sh*t mean your thoughts or feelings? Like that phrase, "there's some sh*t I really need to get off my chest". Is that a phrase? Or did I completely butcher it? Well, anyways no one should be taking a sh*t on anyone's chest. With that being said, "lets get that "sh*t off my chest".
Random Acts of Slimeness
Snow White
Snorted a line of actual snow for $20. Since then, I've been blowing blood out of my nose for the last 5 days. Lesson learned, don't do snow do cocaine instead.
Fartacus
An overly aggressive farter (origin comes from the famous gladiator Spartacus)
Urethra Franklin
The name I give my urethra.
Butt Vortex
A dancing/grinding session with a girl. It's when you wedge your penis in between a girl's butt cheeks while dancing to hip hop songs at a swanky bar.
Bun length wiener
I actually saw the words “bun length wiener” on a hot dog package at the grocery store. A bun length wiener goes good when your in a butt vortex.
Inch Up
A sexual term when a girl tells you to get hard. “Inch up and put it it me”, said the whore.
Head & Shoulders
I got ribbed by a high school kid because I made fun of him during a game of dodgeball. He said to his buddies, “I know Head & Shoulders ain't trying to rib”. I don't understand how that is a rib? He called me a shampoo product. Not a generic brand of shampoo but a name brand. How is that a diss? I don't understand these kids these days.
Pinked Out
When you do a girl and don't remember. It's like when someone drinks a lot and blacks out. Well, pinking out is when your blacked out but your in the pink (her vagina), thus a pink out.
Brown the Meat
I like taco seasoning directions for making ground beef. It always says, “Brown the meat and drain the juices”. That phrase is sexual innuendo at it's best. Let's say it again slowly, “Brown the meat and the drain the juices”. “I totally browned my meat last night then drained the juices”. Definitely, a term that people use for the backdoor.
Poopington Bear
You know Paddington Bear had a brother that know ever knew about. He was called Poopington Bear but never made it to the shelves.
Plunge
Is my new term for doing a chick. “Yeah, I totally took my plunger to her”. “I plunged the sh*t out of her”. “Yeah, we plunged”.
My Wonderful Weekend
Trip to Mexico
February 22-26th, 2012
I went Puerto Vallarta for a destination wedding. Blah blah I'm sure you really care. Let's go over a quick recap.
-The day before we left, I had a burrito at Chipolte. The next morning I ate a breakfast burrito at Alterra. Who gets burritos before they go to Mexico?
-Our flight left at 5:50am in the morning. I was surprised at all the happy white people that early in the morning. White people, why are you smiling at 5:00am? No one should be this happy, I don't care if your going to Paradise.
-Took a “airport dump”. Three people tried coming into my stall even though it was locked. Come on, man!
-I did not pack sunscreen and tried defying the “Mexican sun”. The sun in Mexico is different from Wisconsin Sun, I have the sun burns to prove it.
-The resort we stayed at was all inclusive, meaning all you can eat and drink, thus meaning all you can poop.
-I ate 20 tacos, so I averaged 5 tacos a day.
-I took 10 poops, so I averaged 2 poops a day.
-They had a French restaurant, Asian restaurant, and “Steakhouse” at our resort, free to eat if you make reservations. The French restaurant served us a fried wonton as an appetizer, the Asian restaurant served everything fried, and the Steakhouse gave us soggy onion rings. Note to self, If you go to Mexico, stick to the tacos.
-I ate bacon everyday for breakfast.
-I saw too many many Wisconsinites wearing Packers t shirts at the resort. Ok, great.. your supporting your team, but it's February, the Packers don't play until September. Plus, I'm trying to get away from you f*cks!
-The Wedding was fun. I did cinco shots in a row.
-I peed in the swimming pool twice while we were playing water volleyball. I thought the water was going to turn blue like in the movie “Grown Ups”.
Conclusion/Montezuma or Milwaukee's Revenge?
I definitely got what they call “Montezuma's Revenge” or travelers diarrhea. Or did I get “Milwaukee's Revenge”. I wholeheartedly believe the country of Mexico has a better diet than Wisconsin. Yes, I know bold statement. Brats, Cheese, Beer vs. Tacos, Fruit, Fish. I digress. I've literally took 30 plus sh*ts from Monday February 26th through Thursday March 1st. How could this be?
Was it the bacteria in the water in Mexico? No, I drank bottled water and the water at the hotel was filtered.
Was it the fruit? No, because most fruit we get is from different countries anyways.
Was it the medium rare hamburger I got from a Colorado airport on the way back? Maybe.
Was it the Chili I made on monday with all the ingredients from Aldis? Maybe.
So, let's not be so quick to fault Montezuma for this mess. I blame Milwaukee. Once again you f*cked me over Milwaukee. I'll see you in court, Milwaukee.
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