14 Hours From Unemployment # 1

“14 Hours from Unemployment” # 1

Intro

This blog is a spinoff of the ever so depressingly popular My Life Unemployed series that lasted 13 posts. The writers of Life Unemployed had to take a good look at our direction and reevaluate our motive. We realized that we hit our prime sadness and wanted to go out on top of the bottom. We don't want to end up like Aerosmith, Rolling Stones, or any other band that was good for 10 years then continued to make music into their elder years. We are not reinventing the wheel around here at American Wet Dream Industries... simply we are rebranding. Also, changes to my employment has made it mandatory that we change the name of our blog. If we didn't, we would be fraudulent and guilty of false advertisement. The origin of the name comes from that I'm literally 14 hours away from unemployment. As of this posting I will be working at 2 non profit jobs that total 14 hours combined a week, hence the name 14 Hours From Being Unemployed. So.. moving forward we will have our classic segments of the blog that our readers have ranted and raved about. Not only will we have our classic segments but we are excited to be adding multimedia. The future is here! We now have the technology and knowledge to add jpegs, gifs, and other forms of media.

Name Ideas for New Blog that Got Rejected By Our Staff (Aka Me)

-14 hours from Being a Nobody

-Deadbeat Diary

-I'm a loser baby so why don't you read me (to the hum of that Beck song)

-Life Hate Me

-God, Can you love me again?

-What did I do to deserve this?

-I'm a Boy in a Man's Body

-Sad Bananas

-Insert Clever Blog Name Here

-I Almost Qualify for an Unemployment Check

-I should've voted for Romney

I Try to Buy Pants

   My first day as a “happily” part time employed man I do what anyone else does when they get a part time job..... go shopping!!!! I don't go to the mall to shop for over priced clothes... I go to places like TJ Maxx, Burlington Coat Factory, and Goodwill. I thought I would try my hand at being a Maxxinista so I went to TJ Maxx. A Maxxinista, as defined by the Urban Dictionary, a person who shops a the discount designer department store TJ Maxx. One who finds unique and original designer items at discount prices.

   I needed a pair of athletic pants since my job is primarily working in coaching youth sports. I'm very particular when it comes to athletic pants. I don't want sweat pants because it will make me look like a homeless hobo (double negative.. I know). I also don't want those loud pesky wind pants that feel like your wearing a garbage bag for pants. Finally, I don't want those thin silky athletic pants that give you a boner every time you walk briskly. So with that being said it's tough to find a good pair of athletic pants for me. It doesn't help that I have large T Rex thighs and carnivorous calves that look like those of a rhino.

   I walked through the door of TJ Maxx and made a quick dash to the clearance rack. Unfortunately, there were no athletic pants at the clearance rack. It must be athletic season. So.. I went to the Menswear Athletic section to find a few racks of men's athletic pants. To my dismay these pants were in the range of $25 (and this was after the markdown). Can you believe some of these athletic pants were originally marked at 40 to 55 dollars? I was shocked to find athletic pants to be this much when we all know that everyone looks a dork in the future in athletic pants.

  I perused the large pants section of the athletic pants rack and found not one but 2 pairs of basic black pants for $15 each. I thought this was a steal! This is my price range! I wanted to try them out to see how they looked in my bottom heavy body. Who knows they could turn out to be skinny athletic pants? I bet they would make skinny athletic pants. I make my way to the dressing room and get my dressing room number from the dressing room attendant lady. She gives me a plastic card with the # 2 since I'll be trying on 2 items of clothing. That's dressing room 101 etiquette folks. I put my pants on the hanger hook and undress my pants. I'm very excited at this point as I'm getting this awesome deal on athletic pants for cheap. Something seems odd though. They seem awfully small as if I could fit only one of my monsterous legs into the whole pant. I look a little closer at the tag and its says boys size 14/16. “God@mnt”, I mutter under my breath several times as I'm not a happy camper. I put the gd pants back on the d@mn hanger and slowly walk out to the attendant. Great.. now the attendant thinks I like to sniff and try on boys pants. I bet she thinks I have boys pants fetish. So.. I knew if I didn't say anything she would realize I was a creep. So the first thing I say in a puzzled look, “i guess these are boys pants?” She looks at the tag and replies, “they sure are”. My buyer confidence is crushed. She explains to me where the men's section is as if I'm a blind man who doesn't know how to read. She simplifies the directions as if I was a boy who bought men's pants. Your wrong lady! I'm a man trying to buy boy pants! I don't go back to look for new pants... instead I hang my head low and walk out to the dejection of me trying to buy pants.

Jobs Applied For

Hunger Task Force – Development Department Assistant

Dude... I would love to get this job because it involves food. This job would be primarily in maintaining and developing donor relationships with companies to set up food drives. Man... I would set up the bins and marketing supplies at companies to get food for the poor. I would totes take all the good food out of the bin. This jobs is a gold mine of free food!!!!!

Center for Veterans Issues- Job Developer/Placement Specialist

If I got this job I would help veterans in obtaining a job. Shoot... if I got this job I would place my @$$ in a job. You know? I would give myself a job if I had that job. I would be a Job Developer in that I would develop my own job then be a Placement Specialist by placing my special self in that job. Done deal.