Bloggy Smloggy 66

Intro

Here is an unreleased blog from the hand of Nude Dude.  A blog from the vault if you will.  It's about a bar that I went to in the Summer of 2012....

Bulldog 60

“Wing Night” at Crusty Dive Bar in West Allis

Tuesday June 19, 2012

Preface

I'm on quest for the best wings in Milwaukee. So, I like to venture to different bars with wing specials. I probably won't find the best wings in Milwaukee because in reality I'm looking for the best deals for wings in Milwaukee. In searching for the best deal, one will have to make sacrifices in going to dingy bars filled with scumbags, low life's, wenches, and drunk @$$holes or just plain @$$holes. Bulldog 60 had all of these dirt bags present that night. The funny thing was.. there was no more than 5 other people in the bar.

Here is a list of these characters at this bar.

Drunk 50 year old

There was the drunken 50 year old something that pissed away his life. He claimed he didn't have more than $5 to his name. When I say drunk, he was drunk. He spouted off things like, “Are you the Brazilian soccer team?” He said this because of my curly hair and because me and my buddies were all wearing red. Ironically, the Brazilian soccer team doesn't wear red, there colors are blue and yellow. He also played horrible jukebox songs and was on the verge of getting kicked out. Actually, I think they did kick him out in a roundabout way but the bartender was too passive to do it. A sad story if you ask me.

@$$hole Regular

There was the @$$hole regular, who came there to talk to the bartender but never got too drunk, just a buzz, enough to keep his dooshiness keen. As we first walked in, I asked, “can I sit here?”. He replied, “as long as your not annoying”. He claimed he was being “feceious” (I'm guessing that's the only big word he knew). He was the guy who had a comment for everything. Most of the time his comments were generic and went unreplied. One moment in the night, he made a fuss to the bartender that his money was taken from the bar of where he was sitting. The bartender told him, “no, I didn't touch it, it's not there”. He kept fussing and getting angrier... swearing to himself saying “godamn't this goddammit that”. After awhile he found the $2 in his pocket, go figure.

Ms. Middle Aged Talk Too Much

There was the middle aged lady who wore too much make up, not good enough to get attention at a downtown bar, but good looking enough that at this bar, everyone would think she was hot. She also kept the drinks down as well. She was a motor mouth claiming she was “the smartest person she knew”. She talked about how my buddy had the nicest teeth and how she only is friend's with people with nice teeth. She talked and talked and talked. She claimed she was a “supervisor” but she then she claimed she wasn't but said if she was, she would fire her employees if they were caught drinking at a bar. She claimed the corporate title. She also name dropped a lot of downtown bars to make here seem chic and trendy. She would not disclose her high school or what college she went to. She made it very clear that this information remain secret.

Awkward Bartender

There was the awkward bartender who didn't know how to keep a conversation. Every so often, he would fill a small drinking glass of beer, then chug it when the owner walked away to the back. This guy was tall and goofy looking. He ended up overcharging us. Not much to say about this guy because he was oddly regular if that makes sense. It seemed like he was too normal to be the bartender which actually made him the perfect bartender for this bar.

Old Over Friendly Owner

Then there was the old over friendly Asian woman who was the owner . She took sh*t from no one but very cordial and nice. She had a great sense of humor but when sh*t would hit the fan she would know how to handle it. She claimed to have the best burgers in town. We asked her why. She explained that they are made fresh, never frozen. She also offered free drinks for our softball team if we came in.

So, that was my night at Bulldog 60. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the wings. This place had the hugest wings I've ever been served at a bar. They must've pumped those chicken full of steroids. By the way, she makes her own sauces ,which were delicious. I would go again and suffer all through that mess again, because in the end it was entertaining.  

Twos...

Bloggy Smloggy 65 (I'm 30 Now)

Intro

I'm 30 now. With age comes great responsibility, maturity, and wisdom. Here is a prime of example of these three words.

Nipples Look Like STDs

My nipples have been looking real strange the last couple of weeks. Maybe.. it's because I've been staring at my nipples more than I should. I think it's my areola... more than the actual nipple. I mean the nipple already looks weird to begin with. Nipples look like herpes.

Anal Spiders

I got 3 spider bites in my butt crevice, not the outer part but the inner part. If my butt was the Grand Canyon, the spider bites would be in the actual canyon (if you follow what I'm saying). At first, I thought they were hemorrhoids, but as I scratched a little more, they become bigger and itchier, and hemorrhoids don't work like that trust me. How do I not know there are spiders crawling up my butt? Don't you think I would've noticed the spider crawling up foot, ankle, calves, hamstring, and thigh before it reached my butt? Is this spider teaming up with the jizz fly while I'm sleeping? I got flies jizzing in my eyes and anal spiders crawling up my butt.

My Surprise Jean Shorts 30^th Birthday Party for Myself (Dragon Ball Z Theme)

My Backyard

Saturday June 9, 2012

-Had a ¼ barrel of miler lite and 24 hot dogs. Played bags, flip cup, and did pineapple upside down shots. We also did shots of Chinese liquor (I call it the Chinese jaegermister). It takes like black licorice and raisins. We ran out of beer at around 8:30pm. So... we drove to the liquor store and got more beer. We brought a watermelon in to the liquor store with us. Not sure why... but we did. This guy from Mexico in the store asked us what is the cheapest strongest American beer. We told him to get Steel Reserve (4 pack/ $2.29). It's 8.4% alcohol. I can't believe I bought that stuff in college. Puke!!!! I hope I see that guy again, so I can ask him how his night went. It seemed like everyone in that liquor store was drunk.

-Got kicked out of Buck Bradleys (a bar) for having a soap fight with Alan j Baker in the bathroom. We were chucking soap foam at each other and it was all over the mirror and walls. The manager walked in and we both pointed to each other saying “he did it”. He just said, “get out.. leave”. Before he kicked me out, he took my can of miller high life saying we don't serve this here. This has been the 2^nd time I've been kicked out of this bar. The first time I got kicked out, I was dancing on a booth.

-Went to Dicks Pizza and Pleasure Zone with jean shorts, Schlitz jersey, and sandals. It's a club (I mean a pleasure zone) so I'm guessing that is not dress code. I got kicked in the balls by Alan j Baker and fell to the ground.

-Went to a after bar at someones house. There was a bouncer with a guest list and bar with drinks. I mean drinks were $3 (Fat tire and Strongbow). One lady was like, “do you want ecstasy?” and I was saying “no, I don't need extasy”. She pointed to the guy who has ecstasy. I didn't want any though but she made it a point to point him out.

-Walked home to my mother's house at around 6am. Halfway there (30 minutes later), we took a taxi because we were so tired from walking.

Someone Else's Surprise 30^th Birthday Party

Pedal Tavern Third Ward

Friday June 16, 2012

For those who don't know what a pedal tavern is... It's a large rectangle bike with 10-16 seats (that all have pedals) with a “bar” in the middle. It looks like a lil tiki bar. Everyone on the pedal tavern has to pedal to make the bike go. The pedal tavern is a bar crawl on wheels. The best thing about that pedal tavern is you can bring, mix, and drink your own drinks while on it. The idea is to bounce from bar to bar. There are drink specials at each bar: shot specials, beer specials, and mixed drink specials.

I realized quickly that you didn't have to go into the bar, so I would hang out at the pedal tavern and drink while everyone went inside to buy beers. I, of course, drink my classic rum and coke mix. I also had a few before I got there. When I say few.. I mean one large half/half rum and coke.

I almost got run over by the tavern as we were backing it up from a parking spot. There is no reverse, so we had to push it out. My foot almost got stuck under the wheel thus having it run over.

We pedaled for over 2 hours and got back to the start of are first bar (O'Lydias). They had $1 PBR lights, yet I didn't finish my mixed drink from the pedal tavern. So, I lounged around the outside with my mixed drink until the bouncer told me I couldn't drink it (even though I was part of the pedal tavern). I said, “fine.. I'm going to drink by those dumpsters”. As I was there, I noticed people's coolers from different pedal taverns. They must've hid them there while they were at the bar. As the scavenger I am, I rummaged through these coolers to find margarita mix, Coors lights, and a Gatorade concoction. After I finished my rum and coke, I was slamming these drinks in between the dumpsters. As put by my friends, “i looked homeless as I was begging for drinks”. At this point, it was time to call it a night. I think you have it an all time low when you'd rather not go inside a bar for $1 PBRs, yet drink alcoholic beverages in between the dumpsters in the back alley of the bar.

Twos.......

Bloggy Smloggy 64

Intro

I'm European American.

Just because a hot dog is made from a turkey doesn't mean it's healthy.

My 1^st Garden

I have a garden. I'm a gardener. I officially hate chipmunk, bunnies, and other cute critters now. Being the gardener I am, I have developed “a deep true hatred” for these pesky little animals. They hang out in my garden and are eating my crops. It's an all out war. They vermin's don't know who they are messing with. It's on you b*tch @$$ rodents!!!!

Parents and their Kids

I like how parents (obviously with kids) make us feel bad for them. For example, they always stress that they have kids by saying, “well.... I have a 3 year old at home”, “try raising two teenage boys”, “i have three daughters that are 8, 9, 10 years of age”,“Ya think.. that's not a job” or “I'm a full time mother”. I know it's a tough job but am I really supposed to feel sorry for you. You never hear my mom saying, “I'm raising 3 adult boys right now. It's so stressful raising my two 29 year olds and one 26 year old man all by myself. They need so much attention. Have so much energy. They are always getting in trouble at work”. No no no...... so stop this mirth.

Cum Dollars

I saw this on top of a urinal while at the casino. It's a trick. It's a trap. Don't take the dollar! It's a cum dollar. What's a cum dollar you ask? A cum dollar is when a guy cums on money and puts the dollar on top of a urinal. So, being the cheap @$$ you are, you take it, thinking your a dollar richer. While of course your a dollar richer, you also got dude seamen on you. Don't take the cum dollar!!!! Unless, you want a dollar. Because you know a guy is in the stall watching and laughing at you.

Eye Boogers or Fly Jizz??

What kind of “night fly” is sh*tting in my eye? Or better yet.... what fly is cumming in my eye?? I wake up every morning with fly jizz in my eye. Normal people refer to this as eye boogers, I think not. I swear to god.....I'm getting fly money shots in the night while I sleep. Screw off Jizz Flies!

The Like Button

I dislike the like button option on facebook. I wish there was a dislike option on facebook. You know how many people would dislike comments. If you ever wrote a comment no one 'liked', I guess I would assume most people disliked it then. I don't like the like button for the very reason that when we talk in real conversations that most people don't say I “like” what you just said.

Halloween Costume Idea

Facebook- Put a book on my face or better yet put a face on my book.

Breakfest Boners

I wake up every day with a boner (commonly referred to as a morning wood). I like to call them “breakfest boners”. I wake up every morning thinking with my dick. Every guy notices when they have a boner and when they have a boner they think with it. They want to do something sexual, play with it, or put “it” in something. I don't wish these morning boners upon me. I don't want to start my day off with a boner but I do. Why can't I start my day off intellectually? Why can't I start my day with the will, motivation, or intuition to do something great? Why can't I get a “brain boner”? If I got those I would be a successful chap making moves in the business. I would be working downtown with a collard shirt, pleated khakis, dress socks, and business casual shoes on. Instead, I wear athletic shorts, a crusty tee shirt, and dirty shoes to work.

Dave Thomas Can Eat One

A new Wendy's opened up in Wauwatosa. You'd think they were handing out free $100 bills. There were so many people just getting there mushy processed food. The parking lot filled with cars. The drive thru just jam packed with minivans. Don't get me wrong, I don't judge, I just call'em how I see them. I mean I used to love Wendy's as a high school student and broke college kid. I used to see how many items from the 99 cents value menu I could eat. I would get fries, 2 double stacks, 5 piece nuggets, and the beloved frosty. That's just gross to think I even stomached that. Anyways, I don't do that anymore, I let the heathens eat that crap. It's funny because people think I'm gross because I talk about poop, boogers, and boners. Yet, these people are eating processed gross fast food that probably have boogers from the worker making it, feces from the cow it came from, and the high school kid making it probably has a boner, because he was checking out the girl in line with cleavage. With that being said, I talk about those things and you eat them. 

2's

Bloggy Smloggy 63

Hi.....

Brownie Thunder

This was a blizzard flavor at Dairy Queen. It sounds like what I do after I eat a lot of beans. Beware of the “Brownie Thunder” that is upon us.

CT Scan

A CT Scan in the medical field is a “CAT scan” or computed tomography. In the pervert world a CT Scan, is a “camel toe” scan. It's when you survey your surroundings (bar, library, or grocery store) of some good camel toe. Get a “CT Scan” in, you never know what you might find.

Jackpot

People are always hitting the jackpot at a casino while playing slot machines. Well, I always hit the jackpot when I'm at home. A jackpot is a tea kettle in which a male “releases” himself in. Or a jackpot could be some real good pot you got from a guy named Jack. Or it could be when you get high and you “jack” yourself off. Jackpot has many different meanings. Was does jackpot mean to you?

F*ck Sprint I'm Mad at You

This is where I rant about sprint and swear a lot. I hate you Sprint. I hate you because I bought a new phone from you and the screen cracked 5 days later from being in my pocket. Phone screens don't just crack in your pocket. I went to Sprint and they said they couldn't do anything because I didn't buy the god*mn insurance. Even if I bought the god*amn insurance I still would have to pay for the god*mn phone. What's the point of a warranty on a new phone or new product? A warranty doesn't mean sh*t. A warranty doesn't cover sh*t. Have you ever read a warranty. The only thing a warranty does is.... let you take back the phone/product if you never used it. Oh wait, a receipt does that. So, once again a warranty doesn't do sh*t. F*ck off warranties!!!! Anyways, I bought a phone with a rebate so the phone would've have been free after the $50 rebate. I mailed the rebate in right away so I could get my $50 back for a phone that doesn't work. So, 4 weeks later I received a post card from Sprint saying “they can't process my rebate”. Seriously, you can't process my rebate because my phone needs to be activated for a 30 days!! You mail me a f*cking post card to tell me this! Post cards are meant for people on vacations, baby announcements, or save the dates. Yet, you give me a f*cking post card saying I'm not going to get my $50 rebate! Sh*t, I thought I was going to receive some good news because I was getting a post card!!! Nope.... not Sprint. Sprint brings you up to bring you down.

In conclusion, I bought a new phone for $50 that worked for 5 days and cracked which I'm unable to use. Warranty doesn't cover dick. So what I'm trying to say is, start a business and f*ck over your customers if you want to be successful in life. Die and rot in hell Mr. F*ckin Sprint!!! I should really write this letter to Sprint Corporate.

Milwaukee Brewers vs. Chicago Cubs Tailgate Highlights

Friday May, 2012

-Did a beer bong of Heineken.

-My French friend never did a beer bong. He attempted to do a beer bong of Coors Light. He failed miserably. He couldn't swallow the beer, it went on his shirt, and his eyes started tearing up.

-Played flip cup with Marquette Alumni. Drank a lot of their PBR. Thanks for the beer if your reading.

-Collected a half bag of aluminum cans so I can scrap for money. Asked random people for their cans throughout the parking lot. I even fished through garbage bags. I've hit an all time low.

-My flask got taken away from security as I entered the game. Probably a good thing.

-Stole a bag of peanuts.

-Drawing all over Aaron with a permanent pink sharpie..

-Not watching one single inning of the game.

-Leaving the game and arriving at my buddies house to watch the end of the game which lasted until the 13 inning.

Free Comedy at Potowatomi Casino

Saturday May 12, 2012

Went to see a free comedy show of amateur stand up comedians at Potowatomi. I love stand up comedy. I love free stand up comedy with no drink minimums. I ordered a $2 water because my mouth was very “dry” like “cotton”. Hint hint.

As we were entering the casino, we noticed an old man looking for his car. It was 9pm and he seemed very lost/confused. He muttered to me, “I can't find my car”. I said, “what kind of car do you drive?” He said, “A Hummer”. I laughed and then replied, “that's the biggest car in here... how can you not find a Hummer?”. He said, “I know”. I told him, “you must've had a good day in there”. He ended with “oh yeah”....

Seriously, the guy couldn't find where he parked his Hummer. Did that just happen or was I that high? No, that really happened.

There were only about 24 people who attended this comedy show, which is ok if your in a small dive bar. But this comedy show is at the Northern Lights Theater which seats hundreds of people. It must be awkward for a comedian to do a free show in where 24 people show up in a big theater. So, the first comedian notices I'm laughing and calling me Grizzly Adams because I have a massive beard. He references me all night saying “Grizzly Adams this Grizzly Adams that”. I enjoy it. Laughs were had by all.

Old Grandma Jokes

Here are some grandma jokes I made up but you have to say them in a “Stand Up Black Comedian Voice”.

My grandma is so old that she baby sat Adam and Eve!!!!

My grandma is so old that the apple that Adam and Eve ate was from her garden!!!!

My grandma is so old that had a pet Brontosaurus!!!

My grandma is so old that she was born on Pangaea!!!

My grandma is so old that she saw the Big Bang and thought it was 4^th of July!!!!

Twos.........

Bloggy Smloggy 62 (KY Derby)

Kentucky Derby Weekend

May 4 – May 7, 2012

Intro

I went to one of the greatest sporting events in the world.... the Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby is one race, and has been dubbed the “most exciting 2 minutes of action”, unless that is your having sex with me. Not quite though, it's not that exciting. The Kentucky Derby takes place in Louisville and draws many tourists. There was over 130,000 attendees at the derby and I was one of them. We got tickets to the “infield” for $40. However, I saw about 5 seconds of live horse racing, as you can see nothing from the infield. They had a few big screens, but those screens were just as good as a black and white analog Zenith television. Here are some highlights of the weekend.

6 Hour Road Trip to Louisville

Friday May 4, 2012

-I only had 1 boner on the boner count. Lowest boner count in road trip history when I started counting my boners in 2003 via Spring Break North Myrtle Beach.

-Ate 3 bananas.

-My buddy Lamar had Wendy's and McDonald's. He also bag which included 3 oatmeal pies, hot chips, jolly rancher chews, 2 Snapple's, and flaming hots which he called his “black man survival kit”.

4^th Street Live

Friday Night May 4, 2012

-Pre gamed by drinking Kentucky Gentleman whiskey. When I bought it, I asked the cashier if this is good whiskey, he gave me a look and shook his head no. I bought it anyways.

-I had 7 homemade pork tacos for dinner.

-Had to run to the bars because of thunder, lightning, and pouring rain. Stopped at a PNC ATM terminal and took pictures with random folks

-Snuck into a club that had a $20 cover through their patio. Picked up a random drink that was sitting on the table to make it look like I was in the club already.

-Ordered one cola the whole night because I snuck in a flask. I mixed the drink right by the bar.

-Got a dude's number from Chicago because he liked me a lot. I took his his hat and started to dance with it. No homo.

-On the way back to the apartment we were staying at, I picked up aluminum cans so that I could scrap them for money. I ended up with 4 cans.

-Found my buddy Lamar in the shower on his hands and knees before we went to sleep. He said he just needed to relax while the shower was running.

Kentucky Derby

Saturday May 5, 2012

-Made 2 baggies of whiskey to sneak into the Derby because drinks are very expensive there. I crotched it and made one very warm Coke & Whiskey since it was blazing hot. It was so warm I didn't want to drink it. I still had some leftover whiskey in my baggie that was in my underwear. It slowly leaked through my underwear and shorts.  I finally threw the bag on the ground.  I wonder if anyone picked up the ziploc bag of warm crotch whiskey.

-I wore jean cut off shorts, Schlitz jersey, and broke sandals. People took pictures with me, called me Jesus, and one guy hugged me. One person offered me $20 for my Schlitz jersey. Another guy praised my beard and said in a drunken stupor, “I just love your look, the beard, the hair” as he braced my hand.

-Saw a mud fight with two chicks who later got arrested for indecent exposure

-I saw 2 cops throw a girl on the ground and smash her head into the grass, because they at first pushed her away and then she threw her drink on the cops.

-I saw a random guy I play softball against. He asked me if I was from Milwaukee and I said yes. Then asked if I play on Wednesday Nights and I said yes.

-I won $150 on betting 2 random horses to win back to back races.

Chill Day in Louisville

Sunday May 6, 2012

-Ate Kentucky Fried Chicken in Kentucky. Yes, I can finally say that. It's way different there because I didn't get diarrhea from eating it.

-Went to the mall and played chess with life size pieces.

-Stayed in and watched basketball games.

-In the middle of the night, while I'm sleeping on the air mattress, Lamar joins me on the bed. Mind you, he had a whole couch to himself and he was sober and he snores really loud.

Road Trip Back to Milwaukee

-I recorded 3 boners on the way back. I'm getting my swagger back!!!!!

Twos.............

Bloggy Smloggy 61

Intro

It's May!!! As you can tell, I haven't sent this blog to you on facebook.  I want to see how many people really read this without me sending it via a facebook message.  So, if my view views are low then I'm going to start spamming you with my crap again.  What a great segway!!! The next bit is what I get in my Junk Mail in my Yahoo account.

Junk Mail or Not???

Here's what was in my junk mail for Monday April 16, 2012 read.

From                                        Subject                                                              My Response

Beautiful Local Women           Love plus affection just a click away                 Just that easy???

Cute N HornyGirl                    Hey Babe Are you Around                               No! I'm not around.

BeachBitch27                           Lets Chat                                                        No, sounds like your mean

MALE ENHANCEMENT      Enlarge your manhood 2-4inches                     Now were talking....

Cum4me28                               where were you                                               Sorry, I must've forgotten.

What if this wasn't really junk mail but real email? What if Cute N HornyGirl wants to know if I'm around? What if she is a nice sweet girl and I'm missing out on a lifetime of love and care? You know??? What if BeachBitch27 is not really a bitch, she could be the girl next door, but just has had a bad life? What if Male ENHANCEMENT really wants my “manhood” to be 2-4 inches longer, because he is right, I don't have much of a manhood. I mean Cum4me28 could be the girl of my dreams and her email just accidentally got thrown into my junk mail?

I'm Not Going to Lie...

I like when people start off with that saying “I'm not going to lie”, like every other time they are lying. For example, “I'm not going to lie but I thought you were dead”. That's hard and hurtful to hear that. Or “I'm not going to lie but I sure missed you”. I'm going to start saying “I'm going to lie”, for example, “I'm going to lie... because I sure missed you”. “I'm going to lie.. I hate the new Hunger Games, that new Justin Bieber Song, and My Little Pony's”. “I'm going to lie... I'm Straight!”

Fun Five

A cute way of saying you masturbate. It's a fun five!

Professor X Fart

A fart you that you shouldn't squeeze out but you concentrate so hard with your mind that it hurts. If anyone is a fan of X Men, they know how Professor X can read people's mind. Although, when he does this, sometimes he faints and his head hurts. The same thing happens when you push out a fart that you shouldn't. You concentrate so hard that your strain your brain but the ending result is just a blip on the radar. Professor X farts are overrated.

Goosebumps

I love the book series Goosebumps. It's between Goosebumps and the Boxcar Children as the greatest kid book ever. But I'm talking about a different Goosebumps. Goosebumps is when someone farts and it sounds like a “creepy door sound effect” or “screeeeeeeeeccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. It's that classic part in Goosebumps when they don't know someone is at the door, it opens, and goes “screeccccccchhhhhhh”. I like farts that sound like Goosebumps. Those are my favorite farts.

People are Nouns

A noun is a person, place, or thing. People are nouns. Call people nouns. It sounds degrading.

Random Moments at Sunday Dinner

-My mom hit me so I told on her. Me: “Mom...... Mom hit me.”

-“I have a flacid boner”

-“Grandma you have skin from the 1920s”- As I petted her skin.

Fart Fest

I held a fart fest with myself. No one else entered, so I won. I brought the fart title back to titletown where it belongs. I hold the Fart Title Belt at my household. I challenge anyone to a Fart Fest. Categories include smelliest, longest, and loudest.

Twossss...........

Bloggy Smloggy 60

Here is a compilation of fun events I have had in the last month.

Aaron and I go see the 5 Card Studs at Brewskis

March 31, 2012

If you don't know who the 5 Card Studs are, I suggest you get to know them. Their website is http://fivecardstuds.com/. You will experience classic 70s movin' n groovin' songs. This band is a classic must see for the young, middle aged, and old. If you like a smooth vocals with chest hair galore come see these dudes.

There were 2 for 1 deals at Brewskis from 8-10pm. So, it worked out perfect. I stuck to beer which I haven't done in awhile. As you know I like my Rum and Cokes. I don't like mixed drinks at bars, too much soda (75% soda/25% booze), you know. Maybe, that's how your supposed to make mixed drinks (not like how I make them though). So, I went with Lakefront IPA. A nice girthy taste to it. I don't like those watered down beers like Miller Lite (no offense Milwaukee). After 8 Lakefront IPAs, I had a nice controlled buzz throughout the night. I'm pretty sure we met the whole band. These guys were good guys, we kept requesting Hall & Oates. I guess we were in the wrong era for a “lounge band”. However, that didn't stop us from requesting Hall & Oates all night. I'm not sure if we annoyed the band or not. I'm pretty sure we did, but they did a good disguising their annoyance with us. Maybe... just maybe... they liked us. Hmmm... that could be a possibility???

It was one of the band mates birthday, so a lady/fan/groupie made him cupcakes. She offered us one cupcake. After that I kept going back to their table and ended up eating 4 cupcakes that night. One random lady offered us her fish bowl. So, we drank that sugar filled drink. Note to self don't buy or accept fish bowls from anyone (unless you like kool aid).

I guess I had bad breath that night because my buddy called me out. So, I asked about 10 different groups of people for a stick of gum, mint, or mouthwash. Nobody had gum or mints. I thought that was the craze. I even told the people “hey my breath stinks, do you have a mint?” I finally got a piece from the bartender, however it was cinnamon, so it didn't work that well.

It was bar time so me and Aaron walk back. He sneaks the fish bowl out for some reason. Whatever... we walk back to his house and deliberate if we are going to the casino. It's either he drives drunk to the casino or order pizza. I say casino but then back out saying I want pizza. Good choice. So, we are drunk talking to the Papa John's employee about what pizza we want. We finally order a sausage pizza and wings then pass out. He gets a call at 2:45am. It's the pizza guy. We wake up and eat the pizza and wings then pass out again.

Milwaukee Brewers “Opening Day” Tailgating

Friday April 6^th, 2012

It has been said that “opening day” to me is like Christmas to others. Meaning, I get so happy with joy like a kid would on his/her first Christmas. As the productive person I am, I always set goals for myself. It doesn't matter what they are, as long as you have goals in life.My goal for opening day was to do 10 beer bongs and eat 5 brats. My plan was to keep a tally on my arm with a green marker. My list started to grow to jello shots and homemade skittles shots. Here is my final tally of shots, brats, and beer bongs.

Arm Tally

Brats: 2 (but the mustard on my jeans says I ate 3)

Beer Bongs: 12 (although witnesses said I did 13)

Jello Shots: 4

Skittles Shots: 5

So, as you can see, I surpassed my goal of 10 beer bongs but I didn't hit my quota for brats. I did do bonus jello and skittles shots as well.

-Jumped into a dumpster for no reason other than it was a dumpster. I did this last year as well. This is now officially a tradition. I just need a clever back story to diving in a dumpster now. It'll go like this “Legend has it that Naked Guy first jumped into the Dumpster in 2011 to “throw away” old Brewer memories and ward off any evil spirits that the Milwaukee Brewers might have. In doing so, the Brewers won their first division title since 1982 and went to the 2^nd round of the playoffs. Now, he has made it tradition. In his 2^nd official dumpster dive “he hopes for a World Series in 2012” Go Brewers!!!

-Saw a dead cat.

-Met a chiropractor (don't remember how) who cracked my back and two of my friends. He said this was usually $40 a pop. At one point he had my friend on the ground in a very awkward position. I gave him beer in exchange.

Milwaukee Bucks vs. Oklahoma Thunder

Monday April 9, 2012

Had a few hits from the “garden of weeden” and the game seemed like it was in slow motion. Our seats were in the middle of a Fatherhood non profit group smelling like that “good good”.

Broke my phone because my slim straight jeans were too tight. I just got my phone 5 days ago, signed a 2 year contract, and declined insurance. Went to a pizza place and ordered bread sticks, a slice of pizza, and Italian hot beef sandwich.

My First Cubs Game

Tuesday April 10, 2012

    Pre gamed with my classic beverage Rum and Coke. I'm sick of Rum and Cokes, so I'm going to start making Bahama Mammas. I had a couple of these at my buddy Alan's apartment. While pre gaming I developed a new alter ego, Bare Wolf. Bare Wolf is a naked and somewhat domesticated werewolf. All I did was put on a werewolf mask and strip to my clothes, and thus the Great Bare Wolf was born! Bare Wolf took a dump at Alan's house, he also greeted Alan's friend when he came to door. Bare Wolf was on the floor on all fours awaiting him howling like the werewolf he was.

Then, it was off to Wrigley via taxi, yet I was not without my mixed drink and flask. I fancied a Sunkist orange soda as my “road soda”. As we were in the taxi, I further stated “my what a great orange soda I am drinking” (in fact it was a rum/coke). 

     We arrived at our first bar, had a couple of beers, I bought a round of 50 cent tacos, and then it was off to Wrigley. I forgot to mention that it was 30 degrees out. We made a super huge mixed drink at Wrigley and left when it was gone. We stayed for 6 innings as we could not bare the cold. We bar hopped throughout the night, mind you it was a Tuesday, yet it felt like a Friday in Milwaukee. There were $2 specials all night all over town. We were drinking Old Milwaukee, Pabst, Old Style, and all the other great American Lagers that night. I tried sneaking a Pabst into a bar and got kicked out because that particular bar didn't serve Pabst cans. Who tries to sneak in a cheap beer at a bar that has $2 beers anyway? 

     So, we went to another late night bar. At this bar, these random girls immediately asked us for drugs. We thought they were cops. I found out they were sisters, one was from Chicago and one was from Hawaii. The one from Hawaii was in her 40s looking for drugs, on vacation, and a “swinger”. Oh yeah... she was a Professor at Hawaii University. 

     At this point, it was around 2am, we needed some eats. So, we went to Clark's (think George Webbs) a 24 hour eatery. We got $30 worth of food, however there card machine was down and the ATM was down. We had no cash but $5, so my brother gives him the $5. One of my brother's friends runs out and get in his car and jets off as he is running out without paying. I follow him because I don't want to get caught either. He speeds off without my brother and Alan the guy I'm staying with. We are 6 blocks away and I get out at an intersection and sprint back to Clark's to meet up with them because I don't know where Alan lives. They are nowhere in sight and I have no cell phone because I left it in Milwaukee. I'm lost and walk back to think where Alan lives. It's been 10 minutes and I'm thinking I might have to sleep outside. But, wait... I hear screaming.. people screaming my name. I run to them and I find them. They told me they took a taxi home and were at their house, then realized I wasn't there. So, they went out walking the blocks screaming my name. I was home, they were home, and we all made it back. Oh yeah, the Cubs lost that night.

Twos.............

Bloggy Smloggy 59

Intro Smintro

I'm going to start saying “for the record”,“you can get me on record saying that”, or “you can quote me on that”. It makes me sound important. You can get me on record saying that.

Cats

Cats are people who play with their smart phones all day being easily amused. They look like cats playing with a ball of yarn. They just paw at their screens all day and all night. Stop playing with your iPhone you felines! Observe and just watch someone play with there smart phone. “Yeah I got this mind numbing app that just wastes my life for me”. I should get you “cats” some kitty litter while your at it.

GF Stuff

If you have a girlfriend she is a slut to you. It's true because she gives it up to you. You can call your gf a whore if you want to because she is a whore to you.

Dick Dial

A dick dial is very similar to the pocket dial or butt dial. However, a dick dial is when you keep your phone in your front pocket and you get a boner. Your boner activates the call just like your butt would activate a call in your back pocket when your walking. In more detailed words, the tip of you boner through the underwear, hits your phone while it's in your left/right pocket, thus calling someone.

Canning

It's the newest craze out there! A couple of friends of mine took our mom's dog for a walk. This was no ordinary walk. He had herb but no smoking utensils, yet we had a beer can. He finished the beer and made a “can pipe”. All you have to do is make a few holes in the middle of the can and place the weed on top of it, then you use the opening to smoke out of. It was around 7pm, so it was still light out. There were 6 of us openly taking random hits from this can pipe in a well to do neighborhood. Be a man and do a can. Do a canny!!

I Do Car Game/ Highway Robbery

You ever play “The I Do Car Game”. It's a very simple game. It's when your on a road trip with a couple of buddies. It has to be at least a 1 hour car drive. All you have to do is, say to your buddy, "the next car that drives by you have to do them". There is no way out of not doing them, you must! Then the game begins and you rotate the cars that drive by. This game is fun for all. It's a humorous game because after 15 minutes of cars passing you by, you have theoretically done a whole bunch of dudes, senior citizens, and a family of 4 (and there dog). Next time you on a road trip play this game.

My Lawyer Friend Gets Drunk at Milwaukee Bucks Game

March 24, 2011

-The first thing we both do is drop a “double duece” when we get to the Bradley Center. A double deuce is a side to side crap in a public setting. I first took “double dueces” in high school before soccer games. Here in the stalls is where we mix our flasks as we are pooping.

We get there at tip off but after we are done pooping, it's the middle of the first quarter.  I bring a 8oz flask for myself and him. He pours the whole flask into 1 drink. That is 8 shots of Rum, 4 Talls, or 8 shorts. However, you want to look at it, it's a lot of Rum. I taste his drink and it tastes like poison potion brewed by some wicked warlord.

-After the game we go back to my car which is parked 6 blocks away from the arena, fill up our flasks, and go back to the bar. We meet a random couple from Chicago who follow us at 2 bars. He buys me a coke so I can mix my drink. I met him as he was peeing on the side of a building. We instantly became friends.

-I saw a kid I used to coach for 6^th grade basketball. He bought me a shot. He is 21 years old now.

-Went to the casino to about 6am and lost about a month's worth of rent. I'm retiring from the casino. I will now play the stock market. Watch out Gordon Gecko!!!! WALL STREET IS MINE!!!!

-He went home but doesn't remember if a buddy picked him up or a Taxi brought him home.

Twos.....