Bloggy Smloggy 60

Here is a compilation of fun events I have had in the last month.

Aaron and I go see the 5 Card Studs at Brewskis

March 31, 2012

If you don't know who the 5 Card Studs are, I suggest you get to know them. Their website is http://fivecardstuds.com/. You will experience classic 70s movin' n groovin' songs. This band is a classic must see for the young, middle aged, and old. If you like a smooth vocals with chest hair galore come see these dudes.

There were 2 for 1 deals at Brewskis from 8-10pm. So, it worked out perfect. I stuck to beer which I haven't done in awhile. As you know I like my Rum and Cokes. I don't like mixed drinks at bars, too much soda (75% soda/25% booze), you know. Maybe, that's how your supposed to make mixed drinks (not like how I make them though). So, I went with Lakefront IPA. A nice girthy taste to it. I don't like those watered down beers like Miller Lite (no offense Milwaukee). After 8 Lakefront IPAs, I had a nice controlled buzz throughout the night. I'm pretty sure we met the whole band. These guys were good guys, we kept requesting Hall & Oates. I guess we were in the wrong era for a “lounge band”. However, that didn't stop us from requesting Hall & Oates all night. I'm not sure if we annoyed the band or not. I'm pretty sure we did, but they did a good disguising their annoyance with us. Maybe... just maybe... they liked us. Hmmm... that could be a possibility???

It was one of the band mates birthday, so a lady/fan/groupie made him cupcakes. She offered us one cupcake. After that I kept going back to their table and ended up eating 4 cupcakes that night. One random lady offered us her fish bowl. So, we drank that sugar filled drink. Note to self don't buy or accept fish bowls from anyone (unless you like kool aid).

I guess I had bad breath that night because my buddy called me out. So, I asked about 10 different groups of people for a stick of gum, mint, or mouthwash. Nobody had gum or mints. I thought that was the craze. I even told the people “hey my breath stinks, do you have a mint?” I finally got a piece from the bartender, however it was cinnamon, so it didn't work that well.

It was bar time so me and Aaron walk back. He sneaks the fish bowl out for some reason. Whatever... we walk back to his house and deliberate if we are going to the casino. It's either he drives drunk to the casino or order pizza. I say casino but then back out saying I want pizza. Good choice. So, we are drunk talking to the Papa John's employee about what pizza we want. We finally order a sausage pizza and wings then pass out. He gets a call at 2:45am. It's the pizza guy. We wake up and eat the pizza and wings then pass out again.

Milwaukee Brewers “Opening Day” Tailgating

Friday April 6^th, 2012

It has been said that “opening day” to me is like Christmas to others. Meaning, I get so happy with joy like a kid would on his/her first Christmas. As the productive person I am, I always set goals for myself. It doesn't matter what they are, as long as you have goals in life.My goal for opening day was to do 10 beer bongs and eat 5 brats. My plan was to keep a tally on my arm with a green marker. My list started to grow to jello shots and homemade skittles shots. Here is my final tally of shots, brats, and beer bongs.

Arm Tally

Brats: 2 (but the mustard on my jeans says I ate 3)

Beer Bongs: 12 (although witnesses said I did 13)

Jello Shots: 4

Skittles Shots: 5

So, as you can see, I surpassed my goal of 10 beer bongs but I didn't hit my quota for brats. I did do bonus jello and skittles shots as well.

-Jumped into a dumpster for no reason other than it was a dumpster. I did this last year as well. This is now officially a tradition. I just need a clever back story to diving in a dumpster now. It'll go like this “Legend has it that Naked Guy first jumped into the Dumpster in 2011 to “throw away” old Brewer memories and ward off any evil spirits that the Milwaukee Brewers might have. In doing so, the Brewers won their first division title since 1982 and went to the 2^nd round of the playoffs. Now, he has made it tradition. In his 2^nd official dumpster dive “he hopes for a World Series in 2012” Go Brewers!!!

-Saw a dead cat.

-Met a chiropractor (don't remember how) who cracked my back and two of my friends. He said this was usually $40 a pop. At one point he had my friend on the ground in a very awkward position. I gave him beer in exchange.

Milwaukee Bucks vs. Oklahoma Thunder

Monday April 9, 2012

Had a few hits from the “garden of weeden” and the game seemed like it was in slow motion. Our seats were in the middle of a Fatherhood non profit group smelling like that “good good”.

Broke my phone because my slim straight jeans were too tight. I just got my phone 5 days ago, signed a 2 year contract, and declined insurance. Went to a pizza place and ordered bread sticks, a slice of pizza, and Italian hot beef sandwich.

My First Cubs Game

Tuesday April 10, 2012

    Pre gamed with my classic beverage Rum and Coke. I'm sick of Rum and Cokes, so I'm going to start making Bahama Mammas. I had a couple of these at my buddy Alan's apartment. While pre gaming I developed a new alter ego, Bare Wolf. Bare Wolf is a naked and somewhat domesticated werewolf. All I did was put on a werewolf mask and strip to my clothes, and thus the Great Bare Wolf was born! Bare Wolf took a dump at Alan's house, he also greeted Alan's friend when he came to door. Bare Wolf was on the floor on all fours awaiting him howling like the werewolf he was.

Then, it was off to Wrigley via taxi, yet I was not without my mixed drink and flask. I fancied a Sunkist orange soda as my “road soda”. As we were in the taxi, I further stated “my what a great orange soda I am drinking” (in fact it was a rum/coke). 

     We arrived at our first bar, had a couple of beers, I bought a round of 50 cent tacos, and then it was off to Wrigley. I forgot to mention that it was 30 degrees out. We made a super huge mixed drink at Wrigley and left when it was gone. We stayed for 6 innings as we could not bare the cold. We bar hopped throughout the night, mind you it was a Tuesday, yet it felt like a Friday in Milwaukee. There were $2 specials all night all over town. We were drinking Old Milwaukee, Pabst, Old Style, and all the other great American Lagers that night. I tried sneaking a Pabst into a bar and got kicked out because that particular bar didn't serve Pabst cans. Who tries to sneak in a cheap beer at a bar that has $2 beers anyway? 

     So, we went to another late night bar. At this bar, these random girls immediately asked us for drugs. We thought they were cops. I found out they were sisters, one was from Chicago and one was from Hawaii. The one from Hawaii was in her 40s looking for drugs, on vacation, and a “swinger”. Oh yeah... she was a Professor at Hawaii University. 

     At this point, it was around 2am, we needed some eats. So, we went to Clark's (think George Webbs) a 24 hour eatery. We got $30 worth of food, however there card machine was down and the ATM was down. We had no cash but $5, so my brother gives him the $5. One of my brother's friends runs out and get in his car and jets off as he is running out without paying. I follow him because I don't want to get caught either. He speeds off without my brother and Alan the guy I'm staying with. We are 6 blocks away and I get out at an intersection and sprint back to Clark's to meet up with them because I don't know where Alan lives. They are nowhere in sight and I have no cell phone because I left it in Milwaukee. I'm lost and walk back to think where Alan lives. It's been 10 minutes and I'm thinking I might have to sleep outside. But, wait... I hear screaming.. people screaming my name. I run to them and I find them. They told me they took a taxi home and were at their house, then realized I wasn't there. So, they went out walking the blocks screaming my name. I was home, they were home, and we all made it back. Oh yeah, the Cubs lost that night.

Twos.............

Bloggy Smloggy 59

Intro Smintro

I'm going to start saying “for the record”,“you can get me on record saying that”, or “you can quote me on that”. It makes me sound important. You can get me on record saying that.

Cats

Cats are people who play with their smart phones all day being easily amused. They look like cats playing with a ball of yarn. They just paw at their screens all day and all night. Stop playing with your iPhone you felines! Observe and just watch someone play with there smart phone. “Yeah I got this mind numbing app that just wastes my life for me”. I should get you “cats” some kitty litter while your at it.

GF Stuff

If you have a girlfriend she is a slut to you. It's true because she gives it up to you. You can call your gf a whore if you want to because she is a whore to you.

Dick Dial

A dick dial is very similar to the pocket dial or butt dial. However, a dick dial is when you keep your phone in your front pocket and you get a boner. Your boner activates the call just like your butt would activate a call in your back pocket when your walking. In more detailed words, the tip of you boner through the underwear, hits your phone while it's in your left/right pocket, thus calling someone.

Canning

It's the newest craze out there! A couple of friends of mine took our mom's dog for a walk. This was no ordinary walk. He had herb but no smoking utensils, yet we had a beer can. He finished the beer and made a “can pipe”. All you have to do is make a few holes in the middle of the can and place the weed on top of it, then you use the opening to smoke out of. It was around 7pm, so it was still light out. There were 6 of us openly taking random hits from this can pipe in a well to do neighborhood. Be a man and do a can. Do a canny!!

I Do Car Game/ Highway Robbery

You ever play “The I Do Car Game”. It's a very simple game. It's when your on a road trip with a couple of buddies. It has to be at least a 1 hour car drive. All you have to do is, say to your buddy, "the next car that drives by you have to do them". There is no way out of not doing them, you must! Then the game begins and you rotate the cars that drive by. This game is fun for all. It's a humorous game because after 15 minutes of cars passing you by, you have theoretically done a whole bunch of dudes, senior citizens, and a family of 4 (and there dog). Next time you on a road trip play this game.

My Lawyer Friend Gets Drunk at Milwaukee Bucks Game

March 24, 2011

-The first thing we both do is drop a “double duece” when we get to the Bradley Center. A double deuce is a side to side crap in a public setting. I first took “double dueces” in high school before soccer games. Here in the stalls is where we mix our flasks as we are pooping.

We get there at tip off but after we are done pooping, it's the middle of the first quarter.  I bring a 8oz flask for myself and him. He pours the whole flask into 1 drink. That is 8 shots of Rum, 4 Talls, or 8 shorts. However, you want to look at it, it's a lot of Rum. I taste his drink and it tastes like poison potion brewed by some wicked warlord.

-After the game we go back to my car which is parked 6 blocks away from the arena, fill up our flasks, and go back to the bar. We meet a random couple from Chicago who follow us at 2 bars. He buys me a coke so I can mix my drink. I met him as he was peeing on the side of a building. We instantly became friends.

-I saw a kid I used to coach for 6^th grade basketball. He bought me a shot. He is 21 years old now.

-Went to the casino to about 6am and lost about a month's worth of rent. I'm retiring from the casino. I will now play the stock market. Watch out Gordon Gecko!!!! WALL STREET IS MINE!!!!

-He went home but doesn't remember if a buddy picked him up or a Taxi brought him home.

Twos.....

Bloggy Smloggy 58

Holler at this blog....

I'm Mad and McDonalds is to Blame

I'm bitter. I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe... I should wake up on the other side of the bed. Maybe.. I'll start the day off right then. I was very angry at the cars in front of me turning into McDonald's. I started wishing death upon them. “Yeah, turn into McDonalds. I hope you die from eating a cheeseburger. I hope you all die from eating that crap” in very sinister like voice that was as loud a whisper. Real pissed off people don't yell (they whisper there dark thoughts). Not that I really care what people put into their bodies. But it was just sickening watching all these people scurry into McDonald's to get there “feed” or “mush” like a bunch of cattle. If you eat at McDonald's, I'm going to call you cattle. Because that's what you do. You graze the land like cows and then stuff your f*cking mouths with sh*t.

I pass tons of McDonald's a day and see the same results. People just swerving there way into the drive thru. People by the masses just flocking to get their happy meal. There's nothing happy about that meal. You get a few fries, a squishy burger, and small soda. Oh yeah, you get a toy that is made from a cheap plastic mold. I wonder what would happen if I took a bazooka and threw grenades and destroyed half of the McDonald's out there. There would be an outrage, riot, chaos, I tell you. I have no respect if you eat this crap (that's not saying a lot because I don't have respect for myself).

Also, if you eat at McDonald's, stop complaining that the burger you buy for $1 doesn't look like the commercial. You get what you f*cking pay for! You want a good burger, go to the store, buy one, and learn how to make one you talentless f*ck! People always complain that this doesn't look like it on the commercial. Well, maybe it's because they have Corky from Life Goes On making your burger. Do you think the high school kids who work there give a f*ck about your Big Mac?

I think employees there try to make the sh*ttiest food out there to see if you (the consumer) will still come and buy it. The joke is on you! How many times have you got soggy fries, the pickle on top of your cheeseburger, or a shake that looks like someone took a sh*t in it? Probably 90% of the time. Yet, you still go there like the f*cking cattle you are. Cattle doesn't give a sh*t what there snack wrap looks like, as long as it's good. Go f*ck yourself. Actually, go f*ck yourself on a mound of Big Macs and 49 cents cones. F*ck that 49 cent cone! Go buy some milk and freeze it!

Entreprenuer Move of the Week

I'm probably the worst salesman out there. But I'll never turn down the chance to make a quick buck. It started when I went disc golfing a few weeks back with no discs. So, I scoured the course looking for discs and happily found 6 discs. Hmmm... cha ching!!! I could turn these discs into profits! And I did! I went to the local Play it Again Sports to make a deal. I brought 4 discs in and he offered me $2 a piece. Bada bing bada bo. I just made $8 while you read this article. Get at me. I make deals. Now, I have $8 to go drinking with.

Poop Water

I just made a revelation, we drink the water we poop in. Theoretically, the toilet water that you defecate in, is the same water you will eventually drink.

I Need To Get A Life

I spent an hour looking for a Hall & Oates cover band to play at my wedding and I'm not engaged (and I don't know if I even play to get married). There only a few Hall & Oates cover bands out there but I think “The Maneaters” from Atlanta, Georgia will do just fine.

Stuff I Should I Tweet

I want a tandem bicycle and ride it by myself. If that doesn't scream despair, loneliness, or loser then I don't know what does.

I was at a bar for an NCAA tournament match. I ordered 2 waters and tipped the bar tender $1. You know your ballin' when you tip $1 for free water.

Don't go to a Dinner and Bring these (Yet bring them to a Potluck, Going Away Party, Retirement Party, or Tailgate)

Store Bought Shrimp Circle w/ Cocktail Sauce in the middle

Store Bought 7 Layer Taco Dip

Store Bought Cookies

Store Bought Cheese & Sausage Tray

Food I wish I Ate Still (College Food)...

Pizza Rolls, Mozzorella Sticks, Ramen Noodles, Spaghett0's, Canned Ravoli, Frozen Burritos, Fish Sticks, Taquitos, Bagel Bites, Hamburger Helper, Rice A Roni, Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets, TGIF Spinach & Artichoke Dip, Jalopeno Poppers.

Those were the F'in days. Pop it in the microwave and you got yourself a meal.  

Bloggy Smloggy 57

Intro/ “Zoo Tits Louisville”

I don't judge people. Well, I try my hardest to not judge. But I really want to know who typed in these words on google “zoo tits louisville” to find my blog. I hope your still reading if you did. That is a very creative way to find this blog. I typed in “zoo tits louisville” to see if I could find it myself. After searching 11 pages on google I gave up. But I did find these sites, articles, and blurbs while searching “zoo tits louisville”.

Here are some my favorite headlines when I searched “zoo tits louisville”

“Louisville big tits to slap while I blow you”

“Super Bowl Party: The Queer Petting Zoo for Insecure, Inept Straight Girls”

“Canadian zoo to split up a gay penguin couple, hopes to improve breeding”

“It's Amazing She Survived This Cervix Bashing”

It just gets grosser and sicker. Type in 3 random words and you'll get stuff you didn't know existed. I mean people are creative but creatively sick. In conclusion, there is actually a zoo in Louiville. However, I didn't find any “zoo tits”.

Harley Davidson

We live in Milwaukee. Home of the Brewers! Home of the Bucks! Home of Harley! Harley gets too much credit. Skip Harley. I'm going to start calling Harley motorcycles, Davidsons. Davidson gets no respect. If I ever get a motorcycle, I'm going to call my Harley a Davidson.

Girls in Yoga Pants

I spent too much time on girlsinyogapants.com. Literally, I went through the first 40 pages. Each page has an average of 3 butt pics. I just looked at 120 booties in about 30 minutes. I think I might submit a photo. Obviously, you have to be a girl but I think if we take a picture at the right angle, I'll have my booty posted on there in no time.

FakeSpeare

It's my new voice in which I talk like someone from the medieval ages. With a shakespeare like voice I roughly call people “common street whores who shall be treated like that of a undomesticated hound”.

Like Handles

It's the pre stage to love handles. Love handles according to wikipedia is “abdominal obesity”. Like handles are the pre cursor to love handles. There just “little guys”.

Pectoral Votes

A very strong man's say in making the final decision in the group. For example, he has the final say on where to eat or go out because he is the strongest one there (he is alpha male). He gets the most pectoral votes.

Treasure Chest

This is where you put you condom wrappers in a shoebox under the bed. It's sex evidence for your friends who don't believe you are sexually active. So, just start a treasure chest (aka an old shoebox) and start making memories.

Shrimpcident

Don't eat 20 shrimps in one setting. Especially, shrimp you buy from Aldis that is $5.99. I've always defended seafood from cheap grocery stores because it all comes from the same ocean. You know???? How can you say one shrimp is better than the other shrimp if it's from the same body of water? So, I had a shrimpcident 20 minutes after eating these shrimps. Let's just say... I released those shrimp right back into the water. Let's just say I “blackened” those shrimp. Let's just say I diarrehea'd those shrimp out. Let's just say that....

F*ck Green Beer!!!

St. Patricks Day

March 17, 2012

-Pre gaming at Aaron's house by drinking a classic Irish favorite Mr. Boston's Rum. I figure a lot of Irish live in Boston, so why not get a rum with the name Boston in it. It only makes sense.

-Taking the city bus for free downtown and making friends with a guy named “Joakim”. He was in his 40s, bald head, and had a braided goatee. He told us he was going to “hang out” or “follow us” the whole night because he thought we were cool or he wanted to rob us. Joakim came with us to Trinity. “We” aka Aaron and his brother bought him a beer. Within an hour Joakim was asking us for money. Aaron gave him $2. I think I stroked his braided goatee throughout the night. I tried to out creep the creep. I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into. He also asked others for money throughout the night. This is when we needed to let go of “Joakim”.We also ate gum that we found on the ground in the beer tent. It was packaged gum. Joakim, of course, ate the gum first. Then we followed to eat the gum. I knew Joakim would come in handy. We left the bar and quickly evaded “Joakim”. I often checked my pants pocket when Joakim was near me.

-Spraining my ankle because I didn't see a curb. It hurt through my drunken body, so that means it was bad real bad. However, I had the strength to walk to Dicks (½ mile way from water street). We made it to Dicks. Apparently, I had the strength to dance the night away. I only danced with one foot because the other foot was throbbing. I also used Aaron as a “crutch”. Humans make good crutches.

-After bar, outside of Dicks, trying to ask random people to take us to Potowatomi to gamble. To no avail. We didn't want to pay a taxi. Fortunatly, our guy came through and got us there.

-Renting a wheelchair at coatcheck at Pototwatomi. I guess all you have to do is give them your credit card and it's free. So, aaron pushed me around the casino to find open Blackjack tables. We both lost about $100 at the first table. The only right thing to do was to get more money from the atm. We found a new blackjack table and played that one until 6:30am. I ended up winning $50 and he lost $80.

-Took a van taxi home at 6:30am from the casino. He told us to hop in, “I'm a soccer mom”. He had been working since 10pm last night. We talked to the driver about how he goes to strip clubs and pays for sex. I asked him how much and he said, “its negoitable”. He said you have to go the black strip clubs though. We told him, we are buttts more that boobs. He was surprised and said, “you guys are white, you guys are supposed to like big titties” in a thick Indian accent.  

2'ssssssss...............

Bloggy Smloggy 56

Intro

I wrote this blog 2 weeks ago, even though times and technology are moving at a rapid rate, I feel like this blog is still relevant in today's bustling society.  Gas is high, demands are high, and I wish I was high.  Let's get in this.  Let cut right into this meaty blog and so you can enjoy your cut.  Straight from the butcher himself.  An All Milwaukee diet so he can sh*t out all Milwaukee gibberish!!

Religious Porn

I want to get in the porn business. My first porn is going to take the industry by storm. It's going to be a pornography with Jesus. Yes, Jesus is going to be the starring role! The movie title will be called, THE RESERECTION: THE 2ND CUMMING. If anyone wants to write this epic or be an actor/actress, give me a buzz at nakednudedude@gmail.com.

Veggie Pubes

If vegetables were human body parts, I believe alfalfa sprouts would be the pubes. Alfalfa sprouts look like green pubes. Don't they? Little green veggie pubes. A cucumber (penis), 2 green tomatoes (balls), and alfalfa sprouts (pubes). You got yourself vegetable porn artwork that some hipster will like.

A Story White People Would Laugh At

The Gas Story

I don't like making stops at the gas station because pumping gas costs money. I don't mind pumping the gas, pumping gas is fun. Paying for it on the other hand is no fun. I was leaving my gf's house early in the morning. Unfortunately, my fuel gauge was on empty and it has been on empty since the day before. So, gas was needed. I stopped at the closest gas station a few blocks down from her house. Simple, I would get gas there, end of story. But no, this gas station was full of customers trying to get gas. There were lines to get gas! I pulled behind one car thinking that they were going to get gas and go. But no... it was an older lady. She got out of her car and proceeded to go in the gas station to pay for it the old fashioned way. HELLOOO.... LADYYYYY..... IT'S A NEW MILLENIUM! GET A FRICKIN DEBIT/CREDIT CARD! I immediately put my car in reverse because I knew this lady was going to take her dandy time buying gas, werthers, and green mints. This was an older gas station, so it has one pump for each lane. I think they had 4 pumps total, come on!!!

I leave in anger and in hope, in hope that I make it to my house. I'm at least 10 miles from my home which I know of 3 gas stations by my house. I get on the freeway, praying and hoping that I make it to the gas station. The empty light is on. It's no ordinary red, yet it's fiery blood orange screaming at me to give me gas. I try the ol put in neutral and coast on the freeway then back to drive trick. I do this several times thinking I'm saving gas. I'm nervous because my phone is almost about to die and I'm a few miles between exits. The finished line is getting a little closer and I'm sensing a sense of relief.

Alas, I get to the BP and pull in. I'm confused because no one is getting gas. Hmmm.... oh yeah it must be that big oil tanker filling up the gas station. I guess that's why the tanker guy looked at me funny when I stopped for gas. Now I was in full panic mode but luckily there were 2 gas stations just down the road. So, I did my ol neutral to drive trick and made it. This gas station had no lines and no oil tanker. What could go wrong? I put my card in, it was accepted, and choose unleaded. Then I proceeded to pump but noticed it was going awfully slow. Hmm.. must be an older pump, after all this was a Kwik Fuel (you know one of “those” gas stations). So, it's moving very slow, and I mean at a snails pace. I mean its been 30 seconds and I'm up to 24 cents in gas. Finally, the clerk comes out and says, “yeah I'm out of gas.” Great, I'm thinking to myself. He points to the gas station across the street and says, “yeah that's my tanker, he'll come here after he's done there.” I reply, “how long will that be?” He says, “oh 45 mins”. So, I leave the gas station with 0.064 gallons of gas and receipt for 0.24 cents worth of gas.

I luckily make it home because I wasn't too far from my house. I putz around and go back to the gas station before work. The gas station is full of gas and I get to go to work. Yeahhh....

My Wonderful Weekend w/ Aaron

My trip to Saukville, Grafton, & Port Washington

Saturday March 3^rd, 2012

It all started with a text, “Hey you want to go to Grafton?”. I replied, “yes” no questions asked. I should've asked more questions, but I didn't and assumed. What I thought was going to be a chill night at a buddy's house in Grafton turned into a “county bar hop”. I wasn't planning on to drink because I've been slowly healing from the stomach flu, ulcer colitis, IBS, Montezuma's Revenge...you name it. I did fill a flask half way up, just in case I got the itch.

Here are some of the highlights and lowlights.

-Attending a Tiddlywinks Tournament at a bar in Saukville. This was the 12^th annual tournament benefiting the local Lions Club. Watching competitive adults of all ages compete for the winning prize of $175. I had no idea or concept of the game Tiddlywinks. It sounds like something straight people put in there butt to make them gay. I can see a bunch of gay converters putting these tiddly winks in straight peoples a$$'s to make them gay. I think that would make a epic gay horror movie! The Attack of the Tiddly Wink!

-Going to a house in Saukville watching sports in this married couples basement. The guy whose house we were at turned on his 40 inch HD screen TV, then went upstairs to watch the same game we were watching in his living room on this small tv. Awkard moment, when we went upstairs 10 minutes later and joined him in his living room.

-Going to a “dance club” in Port Washington which played hip hop songs from the last 10 years. There was a fog machine and neon lights. I'm pretty sure this was an underage bar. They even played one dub step song. My favorite person there was a guy with an oversized kobe bryant jersey that went down to his knees and a Lakers hat. He was as “thug” as a thug can get in Port Washington.

- Playing fooseball with a older couple who destroyed us. This guy was a wizard with the fooseball. He did things with this ball that I've never seen.

-Having ordered 3 sodas at 3 different bars and then mixing those sodas with my flask in the bathroom. This was the most “buzzed” fun I've ever had.

-Going to 24 hour Wal Mart at 2am to buy cheesesticks and a large supreme pizza. This was the latest I've ever been at a Wal Mart.

Pointer and the Middle Finger = Peace= Duece = Twos

Bloggy Smloggy 55 (The Net) Special Edition

I Describe a Movie I Just Watched In Detail

I'm doing something different for this blog. This blog is dedicated to the movie The Net. I've never seen this movie before. This movie is epic for many reasons. Below, I summarize the whole movie in 2 pages. Enjoy, my perception on the movie.

The Net (1995) Starring Sandra Bullock

     So, Sandra Bulluck plays a freelance computer analyst who has no friends. I mean seriously, she has no friends in this movie. She is a loser. The only person she knows is her mom and her mom has dementia (so her mom doesn't even know her). Her job is to fix glitches in computer games from home. So, once again she has co workers she hasn't even met. She is a homebody.

The story starts with her at home using the “net” to order pizza, chat online, and using the computer to emit an image of a fireplace. I mean this cute successful lady has no friends, no family except for her mom who can't remember sh*t, and one co worker who ends up dying in a plane crash.

The plot thickens when there is virus or computer glitch in one of the video games she has to fix. This virus allows the “bad guys” or “hackers” to get into everyone's identity and change it. The bad guys know Sandra Bullock is really smart and can help them. They also know she has the “disk” with the virus on it. The bad guys want this disk from her.

     So, Sandra goes on vacation to Mexico. Who does she go with? Herself, because she is a loser. The bad guy follows here to Mexico and they meet on the beach. She has no idea what's going on though (in other words she has no idea he is the bad guy). They order drinks and get to talking on the beach. They totally hit it off. So, the bad guy and her go to dinner later that night. They laugh, take a picture, and take a long walk on the beach. The bad guy pays off this Mexican guy to rob her while they are on the date. So, while they are walking on the beach this Mexican guy snatches her purse and runs off into the jungle. The bad guy follows him in. They both search the purse for the disk and find it. The bad guy then kills the Mexican and throws away the purse. But before he goes back to his date, he cuts his hand with a knife to act like he tried getting her purse back. She takes care of his hand by bandaging it. Then, they go for a boat ride. You can tell he wants to kill her but they start cuddling on the boat. Before you know it, they sleep together aka have sex on the boat. Sandra sleeps with the bad guy!! WTF??? He goes downstairs to make a drink and when he comes back up, he notices she found his gun. She just slept with a guy who is now going to kill her. She also confided to this guy that she has been in only 2 relationships. The last relationship ended because she slept with her shrink who was married. What's wrong with you Sandra? Sure know how to pick them....... not! So, he grabs the gun back from her and shoots at her but the gun is not loaded. So, he attacks her with his hands but Sandra burns him with a cigarette on his face and then knocks him unconsciene. She grabs his wallet and disk that's in the lower cabin of the boat. Then flees the boat on this little boat thats attached to the big boat. He arises from his concussion and jumps off the big boat on to the small boat. She gets the motor started after several tries. He is trying to climb in the dingy but she veers into the big boat and “thud” he falls off. She drives off frantically in this little dingy into what I thought was the middle of the ocean and hits a little rock island a couple hundred feet away. Maybe, you should've stopped Sandra or turned???? Dumb Hoe!! The next scene of her is in a Mexican hospital run by nuns. She was found by a fisherman near the shore. Oddly enough, the Mexican doctor is smoking. Not sure why they put that in the storyline.

     She gets back to the resort she was staying at and tries to get her room key so she can get her stuff and go back to america. But the resort says she already checked out. She has to go to embassy to get a temporary id card. Here she realizes her identity is stolen. The bad guy has stolen her identity. She is no longer Angela Bassett. Her new identity is Judy Marx I think. So, she gets her new identity but is very confused. When she arrives back home to San Francisco, her car is not at the airport where she parked it. Even worse, her house is for sale when she gets back home. The bad guy is waiting outside her house to try to get her. The cops are at the house to because she is creating a fuss. They take her temporary id which is Judy still and run her id to see if she has any records. The bad guy knows this and inputs things on her record like that she is wanted for prostitution and robbery. So the cops try to arrest but she escapes.

     It's funny because no one knows her except her doctor. Her doctor who is played by Dennis Miller helps her out. He takes her to a motel and he is expecting to do her. She is frantic saying people want to kill her and all Dennis Miller does is crack jokes and talk about doing her. So the bad guys know that Dennis Miller is trying to help her and they end up killing him by giving him penicillin which he is allergic too. The bad guy gets into the hospital and changes his IV bag. This bad guy is unstoppable. Sandra Bullock goes to the hospital and sees that dennis miller died which is the only person that knows her. She is pissed and breaks a computer then runs out and takes Dennis Miller's car.

     In essence, she steals a dead man's car. The car is reported stolen and they have a high speed pursuit. Sandra crashes the car in a valley down by a river. She runs out and the cops give chase. They finally catch her and throw in her jail. Sandra is in jail for a day and tries to tell her attorney that people are changing her identity. She sounds bat sh*t crazy. She calls her mom to have her identify her, but her mom can't, because her mom doesn't remember sh*t. But low and behold she is bailed out of jail by dennis miller's fbi friend. He bails her out and they talk but soon realize that this guy works for the bad guy. She takes the wheel and makes the car crash. The car crash happens right in front of the bad guy which leads to another chase. She so happens to run to a raising bridge while he gets stuck on the other side. So she books another hotel. Not sure where she is getting this money but she sees on the news that she is wanted for murder now. Now there is a bad girl to go with the bad guy. The bad girl is the one that took her identity. She is acting as Angela Bennett. She is the one that took her job at this computer place. She is the real Judy Marx. So, Sandra Bullock finds out where she works and goes there so she can hack into the computer because she need's the bad girl's computer to fix the problem. So she sneaks into the corporate office of the computer place and finds out who stole her identity. She then makes the fire alarm go off and people have to leave the building. This is when Sandra Bullock goes to the bad girl's computer and finds out all of the bad information and who is behind all the hacking. It's this super bad guy named Jeff Gregg who is a millionare who made a computer anti virus program. But the program is not an anti virus program it actually is a hacking program. Nobody knows this but sandra bullock and the bad guys. So she gets all that information on a disk and then leaves the computer before the bad girl comes back to her desk. The bad girl knows this so once again they chase her. Ironically, when they chase her out of the building down the street, sandra finds a computer convention going on. How convienent that there is a computer convention going on? So, she goes to a computer with the disk with all the information on it and emails the FBI with this information. The bad guy sees her doing this and another chase begins. The bad guy ends up killing the bad girl thinking it was Sandra Bullock. How dumb is this bad guy? I know right? So, they are some catwalk of a building and sandra ends up killing him with a fire extinguisher. The next day she moves into her house with her mother. Her mother is apparently her gardener now because she is seen garderning. Her mother still doesn't know who the hell she is though. So, the 2 people she knew in this movie besides her mother were killed by the bad guy. Sandra Bullock has no friends in this movie. Her only “friends” were her doctor and the co worker that she only talked to on the phone but never met in real life.

Conclusion

Get a life Sandra Bullock. Now I know why Jesse James cheated on you.

Bloggy Smloggy 54

I'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk............. I got got a lot of sh*t in my head that I need to dump out.  Here are my thoughts do what you will with them.  Thanks for the therapy.  It's good to get this sh*t off my chest.  Why does the word sh*t mean your thoughts or feelings?  Like that phrase, "there's some sh*t I really need to get off my chest".  Is that a phrase?  Or did I completely butcher it?  Well, anyways no one should be taking a sh*t on anyone's chest.  With that being said, "lets get that "sh*t off my chest".

Random Acts of Slimeness

Snow White

Snorted a line of actual snow for $20. Since then, I've been blowing blood out of my nose for the last 5 days. Lesson learned, don't do snow do cocaine instead.

Fartacus

An overly aggressive farter (origin comes from the famous gladiator Spartacus)

Urethra Franklin

The name I give my urethra.

Butt Vortex

A dancing/grinding session with a girl. It's when you wedge your penis in between a girl's butt cheeks while dancing to hip hop songs at a swanky bar.

Bun length wiener

I actually saw the words “bun length wiener” on a hot dog package at the grocery store. A bun length wiener goes good when your in a butt vortex.

Inch Up

A sexual term when a girl tells you to get hard. “Inch up and put it it me”, said the whore.

Head & Shoulders

I got ribbed by a high school kid because I made fun of him during a game of dodgeball. He said to his buddies, “I know Head & Shoulders ain't trying to rib”. I don't understand how that is a rib? He called me a shampoo product. Not a generic brand of shampoo but a name brand. How is that a diss? I don't understand these kids these days.

Pinked Out

When you do a girl and don't remember. It's like when someone drinks a lot and blacks out. Well, pinking out is when your blacked out but your in the pink (her vagina), thus a pink out.

Brown the Meat

I like taco seasoning directions for making ground beef. It always says, “Brown the meat and drain the juices”. That phrase is sexual innuendo at it's best. Let's say it again slowly, “Brown the meat and the drain the juices”. “I totally browned my meat last night then drained the juices”. Definitely, a term that people use for the backdoor.

Poopington Bear

You know Paddington Bear had a brother that know ever knew about. He was called Poopington Bear but never made it to the shelves.

Plunge

Is my new term for doing a chick. “Yeah, I totally took my plunger to her”. “I plunged the sh*t out of her”. “Yeah, we plunged”.

My Wonderful Weekend

Trip to Mexico

February 22-26^th, 2012

I went Puerto Vallarta for a destination wedding. Blah blah I'm sure you really care. Let's go over a quick recap.

-The day before we left, I had a burrito at Chipolte. The next morning I ate a breakfast burrito at Alterra. Who gets burritos before they go to Mexico?

-Our flight left at 5:50am in the morning. I was surprised at all the happy white people that early in the morning. White people, why are you smiling at 5:00am? No one should be this happy, I don't care if your going to Paradise.

-Took a “airport dump”. Three people tried coming into my stall even though it was locked. Come on, man!

-I did not pack sunscreen and tried defying the “Mexican sun”. The sun in Mexico is different from Wisconsin Sun, I have the sun burns to prove it.

-The resort we stayed at was all inclusive, meaning all you can eat and drink, thus meaning all you can poop.

-I ate 20 tacos, so I averaged 5 tacos a day.

-I took 10 poops, so I averaged 2 poops a day.

-They had a French restaurant, Asian restaurant, and “Steakhouse” at our resort, free to eat if you make reservations. The French restaurant served us a fried wonton as an appetizer, the Asian restaurant served everything fried, and the Steakhouse gave us soggy onion rings. Note to self, If you go to Mexico, stick to the tacos.

-I ate bacon everyday for breakfast.

-I saw too many many Wisconsinites wearing Packers t shirts at the resort. Ok, great.. your supporting your team, but it's February, the Packers don't play until September. Plus, I'm trying to get away from you f*cks!

-The Wedding was fun. I did cinco shots in a row.

-I peed in the swimming pool twice while we were playing water volleyball. I thought the water was going to turn blue like in the movie “Grown Ups”.

Conclusion/Montezuma or Milwaukee's Revenge?

I definitely got what they call “Montezuma's Revenge” or travelers diarrhea. Or did I get “Milwaukee's Revenge”. I wholeheartedly believe the country of Mexico has a better diet than Wisconsin. Yes, I know bold statement. Brats, Cheese, Beer vs. Tacos, Fruit, Fish. I digress. I've literally took 30 plus sh*ts from Monday February 26^th through Thursday March 1^st. How could this be?

Was it the bacteria in the water in Mexico? No, I drank bottled water and the water at the hotel was filtered.

Was it the fruit? No, because most fruit we get is from different countries anyways.

Was it the medium rare hamburger I got from a Colorado airport on the way back? Maybe.

Was it the Chili I made on monday with all the ingredients from Aldis? Maybe.

So, let's not be so quick to fault Montezuma for this mess. I blame Milwaukee. Once again you f*cked me over Milwaukee. I'll see you in court, Milwaukee.