Sad Bananas # 3 Hot Job

 Things Are Warming Up

Yeah man yeah

   

I try to stay fit. I say “try” because when I workout I just do light intensity. I don't drink protein shakes, put up big weight, or grunt like a grunt at the gym. I do a quick 20 minute workout, drink water, light dumbbells, and don't even make a moan when I do my light intensity . I also alternate using the sauna and steam room to get my sweat on.  Why actually do exercise to sweat when you can sit in a sauna and do absolutely nothing to sweat?  Today was sauna day!  I enjoy the sauna as it's relaxing, peaceful, and entertaining. I say entertaining because occasionally you will get an old naked dude drying off his senior citizen nut sack.  I guess that's entertaining in a weird way.  I call it "wierdtainment".  Or you get the random dude wise cracking in the corner about something dumb. Or listen to other guy moan about some remedial thing that is wrong in their life. 

Me on the left. Car Salesman on the right.

Today, I got the guy talking to me about his life which turned into my life.  I am often in the sauna for 15 to 20 minutes.  However, the longer I'm in there, the more I put myself at risk to see testicles of all ages, sizes, and colors.  It goes without saying, "I don't want to see saggy man nuts".  Just as I'm about to leave, a meat headed 40 something year old who is too jacked for his own good (think testosterone, HGH, deer antler spray) strikes up a convo. He asks, "you must work outside you got a good tan” as he in looking at my legs. He is talking me up like, “what are you 20?” No, I'm 30. Great... I'm thinking this guy is going to corner me with his bulging biceps and do naughty things to me. He tells me about how he used to work for Cadillac but couldn't deal with their customers so he works at Hyundai. 

Hmm... what to do?

I make my way out and he is still talking about car stuff. Some how he finds out I'm looking for work and from there he goes into sales mode.  He stares at me with crazy eyes and speaks with persuasive intent if I want a job working with him at the Hyundai dealership. He said, “How much you need to live $5k, $4k, $3k?... I'll start you at $2k.. with a $1,500 signing bonus... you will train with me.... not to blow smoke up your ass.. but you got the look.... you got the talent... I guarantee you will be making a lot of money and be happy in a few months.... I'm willing to vouch for you... all you got to do is clean up your neck hair .... come in tomorrow with a tie and shirt... if you don't have a tie...I'll get you one.... I have 20 ties and I will put it on you in the parking lot..... will get you started... I'll teach you everything.... I'll get you a desk with a computer....you will be driving a company car just like me.... I've made $2,000 in one day.... I'll show you my pay stub..... I believe in a guy like you” I told him I'm not a salesman after hearing his sales pitch. He says, “well... do you have a wife or a girlfriend?... I say "yes" to having a girlfiend and he responds, “there you go... your selling yourself everyday”. He says, “follow me to my locker and I'll give you my business card”.

What could have been?

 I willingly follow him to his locker where both of us are hot, sweaty, and have our shirts off still. I'm not sure why I follow him but when you are this desperate you would follow a half naked dude to his locker if he was going to offer you a job. He told me to come in the next day to interview with their hiring manager. I told him I would think about it over the night. It sounded enticing but I just met this guy in a sauna who was talking about my tan, then 5 minutes later he is offering me a job. I don't want to be this guy's little pet at work.  I don't want to do all this guy's b*tch work while he gets paid. This guy tries to play me for a fool, idiot, and/or a pushover. Yes, I am those 3 things but I'm a smarter new breed foolish pushover idiot. 

Sad Bananas # 2 Stranger Danger

 I've Been Stranger Dangered

How people used to shop for groceries

    I used to hate going to the supermarket to obtain groceries but now that I put things in perspective I don't mind. It's better than having to hunt and gather your food for countless hours a day. In the Paleolithic Era hunters spent whole days searching for wild game, animals, and rodents to kill. Women spent hours of gathering berries, nuts, and twigs for a meal's worth of food. Not only do they have to hunt for it but they had to prepare it through , skinning it, butchering it, and cooking it.

    What do I have to do to get a meal's worth of food? I just go to the supermarket and everything is already “hunted” and “gathered” for me. I put my seat belt on and drive my Toyota Sedan to the nearest grocer and easily find a parking spot. Am I one of those persons who have to get one of the nearest spots near the store? No. Do I find the furthest spot from the store to make a point about not being the closet? Yes. From there I walk an extra 50 feet! Yes 50 feet! OMG! You should think about walking too! It might even out those Oreos, Twinkies, and 2 Gallon Tub of Ice Cream you are going to eat when you get home.

    Anyways from there I go through the automatic sliding doors that open for me (god forbid I open a door by myself) and then I get a cute little basket (or if I go green I bring my own bag). Then I just have to look for food in the aisles which are nicely labeled, buy the food with cash or credit, and then cook it by microwave or oven. Very simple to be a present day hunter and gatherer. It's the convenience of modern technology. I digress as I was not supposed to write any of that. Rather I was supposed to talk about an instance I had at the self checkout lane a few weeks back. Here is my self checkout lane situation.

Dumb Lady & Dumb Kid
at Self Checkout

     I prefer to use self checkout because then I don't have to talk to a grumpy cashier lady who secretly judges all the food I buy. Screw off check out lady! I will buy pounds of pounds of meat. I'm carnivorous and love it!

      So, I'm at the self check out lane ringing up my items minding my own business as a young kid walks up to me. I'm about to smile and say hi to the little fellow but then from the adjacent self checkout lane his mother utters, “stranger..... stranger danger.... you know better than that... stranger danger” and the kid walks back to his mother. Great... I think to myself... everyone around me thinks I'm a pedophile. I could understand if was wearing a trench coat, had long greasy hair, and was looking disheveled, but honestly I wasn't for once.  I was just Stranger Dangered by an adult. It's a somber feeling to be branded a “stranger” that will cause “danger”.

What a real stranger
looks like.

     At that moment I felt like hiring a real life stranger to cause danger to this overprotective mother. I don't know where or how you hire a stranger but I felt like teaching this “b*tch mom” a lesson. It wouldn't surprise me if they had www.strangersforhire.com to creep out kids, families, and/or co workers.        Anyways, I get embarrassed and say nothing as I quickly pay for my things and exit the grocery store as to make eye contact with no one.
   I didn't want to start an argument with a stressed out woman with 4 kids because I'm a pushover. Instead.. passive aggressive me conjures evil scenarios in my head about her demise.  My first instinct is to look back at this mom and say, “excuse me... I work with kids as my profession” but I don't. This dumb mom lady incorrectly used the stranger danger code of conduct. I was no more than 6 feet from this dumb lady and her dumb kids and she had the audacity to cry out “Stranger Danger”. 

    Probably the best thing that can happen to this woman would be if someone kidnapped one of her kids. Does this lady really need 4 annoying kids? We should only be allowed to reproduce no more than 3 kids! With one less kid she would be way less stressed and save a lot of money. Also, by having this kid kidnapped she wouldn't have to save money for this kid who probably won't have a future anyways because he is dumb enough to talk to a stranger like me. Actually, I think this lady should be kidnapped or “adultnapped”. That will show her to not call a stranger a stranger.

La Cabezas - Hungover At Night Review

Music Album Review

La Cabezas- Hungover At Night

By Nude Dude

Here is the link.  La Cabezas Mixtape Just Click and Listen! I review each song on album.

Producer EP and Rapper MC M.U.T.T

Pre Game (Intro)

The album starts off by MC M.U.T.T (Music Used To Transcend) making a checklist of what he “needs” before he goes out to party. On that list is “pills, weed, and expired condoms”. Yes, your heard it right “expired condoms”. With that being said La Cabezas waste no time in setting the tone for this drug induced alternative hip hop party album. Forgot the metaphors. This album is direct and to the point. They don't beat around the bush they give you the bush. This album is collection of dark thoughts and demented beats produced by EP which happens to be my brother. This album is what happens when Tyler the Creator and LMFAO (and I mean that in a good way) become conjoined at the hip to make a disjointed style of hip hop (pun intended).

Velvet Ropes

As soon as the La Cabezas are done with the Pre Game they get right into the mix by going to the club. They plead there case to get in the club even though they have been smelling like “Marley”. “Marley” is a classic weed reference in hip hop songs. MC M.U.T.T sounds like an early 90s laid back rapper. Velvet Ropes is a spooky version of a Too Short/Devin the Dude song with a quicker uptempo beat something that most laid back rap stoner songs lack.

Lemme See Your ID

This song is pretty self explanatory. It begs the question, “Lemme See Your ID”. This song is short and to the point. You would think age would be in question but MC M.U.T.T hints that this “suspect hoe” might really be a man not an under age girl with a fake ID (which most of us would assume (as I just assume an assumption)). This song has a repetitious chorus with an electronic dance feel vibe.

Vodka Water

We have all spent a night in “the drunk tank” no matter what age you are. A reference to whorish girls are a common theme in The Hangover. I enjoy how La Cabezas poke fun at arrogant girls with braces who have corpse like bodies who talk to much. This song promotes in having alcohol in it's purest form “have jameson straight” and don't taint your alcohol with other additives.

Bitch Rain Champagne

In this song it sounds like the La Cabezas make their way to the very salacious dance floor. I think that when MC M.U.T.T raps “make that bitch rain make that bitch rain champagne” I believe he is saying, “make a girl orgasm real good”. However, I could be wrong he could “want a bitch to rain champagne”. La Cabezas no matter how much they rap about loose women they also have there own shortcomings with abusing drugs.

Album Cover

Klap

It's weird reviewing a song that you are on, especially a song that relishes in how the younger generation thinks it's cool to get STDs. We live in a world where the only things trending on the internet are vile horrible instances. What else can be a trend? Promiscuity? Drug Use? Alcohol? All of those things lead to the Klap. La Cabezas want to be the first ones to let everyone know not to be ashamed of your STDs but to wear it like a badge of honor and “klap”.

Put Your Titties Away

This headbanger is for the children (not really). Well it's for girls who think it's cool to take selfies of their tits. This song has a positive message for all those self conscious girls who succumb to society and magazines thinking that the only way they can get attention is by showing off their body. La Cabezas don't want to see your tits they want to see your mind.

Who You Booty Calling

If I had to categorize this song I would call it a deep house booty hip hop song. I'm not sure what deep house means but my friend is a deep house DJ and it sounds as if this beat is a deep house track with rapping vocals.

Hungover At Night

This song MC M.U.T.T crones about how crazy and drunk the night was. It's reminiscent of a drunk Andre 3000 song from album The Love Below. After saying that they want girls to put thier titties away they change their mind and in fact want to see the girls titties.

Overall

There is always something “dark and gloomy” about an EP produced album. Just a pinch of depression in each song no matter if it's a happy club track or a straight hip hop beat. EP brings his own unique uncharacteristic beats that go against the norm. He is DJ Swizz Beats meets Timbaland meets a deranged 28 year old (him). It's a sound that no one else can recreate which goes by no method. MC M.U.T.T plays by his own rules as well. Even though I compared a lot of his flows to different rappers he is a grainy emcee that does it his way. That what makes this album so earthy as it does not conform to any genre thus making their own genre which is tough to categorize. If your looking for an original flavor with no additives this is the album to listen to.  

Sad Banana # 1

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What A Jerk (Short True Story)

                                                               What a Jerk This Guy Was

                                                                     A True Short Story

      What I thought would be a routine trip to the grocery one morning turned into witnessing a tragic moment that may change my life forever. I'm a proponent some say an advocate of pooping in public restrooms. I have no qualms about it and never had a problem. You build your toilet paper nest and take a seat and go to town. Or if your a girl you can hover as if you were a bird flying over a pond dropping turds from the sky. I immediately go to the bathroom because I need my morning movement for the day. I start my day off right by dropping the deuce. I realize I'm doing it backwards. I should defecate after I go grocery shopping because now I'm going to have fecal matter all over my food products. I know that I can wash my hands after I poop but I was just literally wiping my @ss for 10 minutes. Do you think I want to pick pears from the fruit isle, get a head of fresh iceberg lettuce from produce, or scoop some chocolate covered raisins with my @ss wiping hand? The answer is NO! I don't care how much soap you use, it's the thought of my hand near my @sshole for for a long duration of time.

Anyways, this particular grocery store is clean so when I build my nest, I only use one layer. I don't build nests like I used to. Remember the 90s when hot pockets, tombstone pizza, and tina's burritos were all the rage. You had to build a 5 layer nest to sh*t in those toilets. That food will give the runs lets be honest here. Being that this grocery store was in a nice area, clean bathrooms, and friendly staff, I chose to build a quick 1 layer 2 ply tp nest.

     

      Let's get to the point. My poop is going great. I can't have a better poop. Everything is right on time. There are no hiccups in this poop. I'm texting my friends I haven't heard in awhile, thinking about what I'm going do today, and what I'm going to have for breakfast. Just doing the normal stuff we as humans do on the crapper which is poop and think. But I hear a little something from the other stall which makes me think “what the hell is going on over there?” I don't pay attention that much because I am so in engulfed in what I got going on in my toilet that I block it out. I can't seem to ignore the constant huffing and puffing in short breath intervals. I think “oh great this guy is jerking off”. Yet, I don't want to assume this guy is jerking off you know? It's not the first thing I want my mind to jump to while making an assumption about the guy next to me in a public restroom stall? At this point I try to suppress my mind of him jacking off but then I hear him speak. He utters the words, “sorry for all the racket...I just got the morning blues”. I respond, “don't worry about it”.

      

      At this point I assume he is having a real hard time taking a sh*t. We have all been there when it's a process to push one out and to no avail. So, I give the guy the benefit of the doubt in which in hindsight I probably shouldn't have. Again, I hear a couple of groans and the classic jerk off sound that every guy knows about. The classic short slapping sound of your clothes rubbing together as your hand is vigorously peeling one off. I'm in denial at this moment in time. I still didn't want to believe that this guy is the notorious nutter. Then in a very depressing voice I hear the man state, “you got to do it somewhere. when your not getting any at home”. F*ck!!! My life became still. It was confirmed that this man was indeed jacking off in the stall next to me. I don't know why but I responded with “you got to do what you got to do”. There was no time to think about a clever response. What if I ignored him? What if I scolded him? For whom, am I to Judge? Would have this angered this man? I didn't want to anger him. You don't anger a man with a loaded gun... never. This guy essentially came to the sound of my voice. It was around 8:00am at this time. That's too early to have a guy cumming to my sultry smooth voice. Man.........This guy was in mid jack off while trying to hold a conversation about how he was jacking off next to me. This is not the way to start the day off right.

    

      I immediately scrambled my fidgety hands for the toilet paper to wipe and go. I assumed he heard me trying to leave and wanted to beat me out of there (no pun intended). I believe he wanted to leave before I left so I wouldn't tell on him. I was cornered though, there was no way to escape so I decided to hold down the fortress. Also, I couldn't have hopped off the toilet during mid poop and have a load of dingle berries in my underwear. I didn't want to walk around the grocery store with an itchy @ss. I needed some god@mn eggs! I changed my stance there was no way I was leaving until that guy left. I assumed he blew his load during our conversation as I heard him pant and groan some more. I didn't want to think or hear about it. The damage was done. He had won the wank off war and I was a victim of this man's debauchery .

   

     After he brought himself to completion, he flushed the toilet and made his way out. He didn't try holding a conversation anymore as he had used me. He metaphorically “hit it and quit it”. I would like to think he was embarrassed at this moment but this guy was a professional. Professional Jacks like him have no morals. They don't fall in love with their victims. Anyways, I didn't want to look through the door crack to put a face to the perpetrator. I peered through a little just to catch a glimpse of a badger red sweatshirt as he walked by my stall. At this point I listened to see if he washed his hands or if he was just going to flee the bathroom for a quick getaway. I heard him wash his hands and leave. I stayed in the bathroom stall to lament on what the f*ck just happened? I felt gross, ashamed, and dirty. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head at this time. At first I thought it was my fault. I was asking for it by wearing my high shorts and crocs. This guy took my manhood, dignity, and integrity only to throw it all away. I felt like this guy wanted me to jerk him off. I felt like he wanted to cum on me. Thank god there was no glory hole. It didn't matter if there was no glory hole, I was within feet of catching cum on my crocs. Who knows where this dude came? We don't need people like this in society. You could say this guy was a real jerk!

   

     I finally got the courage to get up off the toilet seat. More thoughts invaded my head as I thought grocery store workers were going to blame me for jerking off. I had to wipe quick and get off the toilet seat so I wouldn't appear to be the sticky bandit. I slowly opened the door and it was clear. No one was in the bathroom. I felt disgusted because this bathroom was full of depressed middle aged cum hand or hands (not sure if he used both hands). I had to pick a sink to use. Which sink did the cum bandit use? The right sink with no soap in it or the left sink with all the soap suds in it. I assumed this public puller was a responsible masturbator, so I figured he washed his hands in the left sink with all the soap suds in it. I went for the right sink to wash my hands. For a second, I thought it was a trap but I concurred “a lil man juice never hurt anyone”. Lastly, there was the inevitable door handle to leave the bathroom. My heart skipped a beat for a minute as I stared down the door handle. I imagined all the seamen hands that have touched that man handle. Now I know why so many guys use the paper towel trick to open the door.

   

     I left the bathroom into the grocery store reflecting on what just happened. Do I tell customer service that a guy in red was talking to me and jacking off at that same time in the bathroom while I was taking a poop? I couldn't concentrate, my body was numb, my senses were off. Why God? Why did you let me hear this? Was this a sign? Did I miss the lesson you were trying to teach God? Is the lesson not to jerk off in public because I don't do that God. I would never do that God. I have a computer for that kind of stuff and I'm sure that guy has a computer too. I don't care if the guy was not getting any sex at home. Don't f*cking go to the grocery store public restroom to peel one off then talk about peeling one off while I'm in the next stall. There are plenty of places to rub one off in your house. Maybe you should try to woo your wife a little better than telling me ( a guy you have never met) about you jerking off in public. Godd@mnt, maybe I should stop using god*mnt. Maybe that was the life lesson. Either way bring on the tally whacker therapy and cum counseling because I'm a trauma victim who needs help.

Thank you for reading. I feel a lot better now.

14 Hours From Unemployment # 1

“14 Hours from Unemployment” # 1

Intro

This blog is a spinoff of the ever so depressingly popular My Life Unemployed series that lasted 13 posts. The writers of Life Unemployed had to take a good look at our direction and reevaluate our motive. We realized that we hit our prime sadness and wanted to go out on top of the bottom. We don't want to end up like Aerosmith, Rolling Stones, or any other band that was good for 10 years then continued to make music into their elder years. We are not reinventing the wheel around here at American Wet Dream Industries... simply we are rebranding. Also, changes to my employment has made it mandatory that we change the name of our blog. If we didn't, we would be fraudulent and guilty of false advertisement. The origin of the name comes from that I'm literally 14 hours away from unemployment. As of this posting I will be working at 2 non profit jobs that total 14 hours combined a week, hence the name 14 Hours From Being Unemployed. So.. moving forward we will have our classic segments of the blog that our readers have ranted and raved about. Not only will we have our classic segments but we are excited to be adding multimedia. The future is here! We now have the technology and knowledge to add jpegs, gifs, and other forms of media.

Name Ideas for New Blog that Got Rejected By Our Staff (Aka Me)

-14 hours from Being a Nobody

-Deadbeat Diary

-I'm a loser baby so why don't you read me (to the hum of that Beck song)

-Life Hate Me

-God, Can you love me again?

-What did I do to deserve this?

-I'm a Boy in a Man's Body

-Sad Bananas

-Insert Clever Blog Name Here

-I Almost Qualify for an Unemployment Check

-I should've voted for Romney

I Try to Buy Pants

   My first day as a “happily” part time employed man I do what anyone else does when they get a part time job..... go shopping!!!! I don't go to the mall to shop for over priced clothes... I go to places like TJ Maxx, Burlington Coat Factory, and Goodwill. I thought I would try my hand at being a Maxxinista so I went to TJ Maxx. A Maxxinista, as defined by the Urban Dictionary, a person who shops a the discount designer department store TJ Maxx. One who finds unique and original designer items at discount prices.

   I needed a pair of athletic pants since my job is primarily working in coaching youth sports. I'm very particular when it comes to athletic pants. I don't want sweat pants because it will make me look like a homeless hobo (double negative.. I know). I also don't want those loud pesky wind pants that feel like your wearing a garbage bag for pants. Finally, I don't want those thin silky athletic pants that give you a boner every time you walk briskly. So with that being said it's tough to find a good pair of athletic pants for me. It doesn't help that I have large T Rex thighs and carnivorous calves that look like those of a rhino.

   I walked through the door of TJ Maxx and made a quick dash to the clearance rack. Unfortunately, there were no athletic pants at the clearance rack. It must be athletic season. So.. I went to the Menswear Athletic section to find a few racks of men's athletic pants. To my dismay these pants were in the range of $25 (and this was after the markdown). Can you believe some of these athletic pants were originally marked at 40 to 55 dollars? I was shocked to find athletic pants to be this much when we all know that everyone looks a dork in the future in athletic pants.

  I perused the large pants section of the athletic pants rack and found not one but 2 pairs of basic black pants for $15 each. I thought this was a steal! This is my price range! I wanted to try them out to see how they looked in my bottom heavy body. Who knows they could turn out to be skinny athletic pants? I bet they would make skinny athletic pants. I make my way to the dressing room and get my dressing room number from the dressing room attendant lady. She gives me a plastic card with the # 2 since I'll be trying on 2 items of clothing. That's dressing room 101 etiquette folks. I put my pants on the hanger hook and undress my pants. I'm very excited at this point as I'm getting this awesome deal on athletic pants for cheap. Something seems odd though. They seem awfully small as if I could fit only one of my monsterous legs into the whole pant. I look a little closer at the tag and its says boys size 14/16. “God@mnt”, I mutter under my breath several times as I'm not a happy camper. I put the gd pants back on the d@mn hanger and slowly walk out to the attendant. Great.. now the attendant thinks I like to sniff and try on boys pants. I bet she thinks I have boys pants fetish. So.. I knew if I didn't say anything she would realize I was a creep. So the first thing I say in a puzzled look, “i guess these are boys pants?” She looks at the tag and replies, “they sure are”. My buyer confidence is crushed. She explains to me where the men's section is as if I'm a blind man who doesn't know how to read. She simplifies the directions as if I was a boy who bought men's pants. Your wrong lady! I'm a man trying to buy boy pants! I don't go back to look for new pants... instead I hang my head low and walk out to the dejection of me trying to buy pants.

Jobs Applied For

Hunger Task Force – Development Department Assistant

Dude... I would love to get this job because it involves food. This job would be primarily in maintaining and developing donor relationships with companies to set up food drives. Man... I would set up the bins and marketing supplies at companies to get food for the poor. I would totes take all the good food out of the bin. This jobs is a gold mine of free food!!!!!

Center for Veterans Issues- Job Developer/Placement Specialist

If I got this job I would help veterans in obtaining a job. Shoot... if I got this job I would place my @$$ in a job. You know? I would give myself a job if I had that job. I would be a Job Developer in that I would develop my own job then be a Placement Specialist by placing my special self in that job. Done deal.

My Life Unemployed #13

My Life Unemployed #13

Intro/All Bad Things Come to a End

Hi... How are you?.... Doing good? That's good... Good to hear... Thank you to all that read about my adventures or misadventures during my life unemployed. Thank you for joining my misery in my quest for a job, career, or whatever the hell you want to call it. Unfortunately all bad things have to come to end. The usual saying is all good things come to end but in my case nothing was good so thus insertion of bad. I will be returning to work ,unfortunately part time work that is. I will be working at 2 jobs totaling a whopping 14 hours a week! I know take a deep breath and soak it all in. Even more depressing news is that I will be returning to a job that a college aged student would have. I even cut my hair into a mohawk to look like a younger “dude”, so people won't judge “the old guy” working “the young job”. People often ask me, “If I'm in school?” or “I have a kid your age”. I usually play along so as to not offend them (even though they think I'm a teenager in college). Let's stop tickling around here and get at it.

Jobs Applied for

Packerland Rent a Mat- Route Service Representative

I threw in the towel on this one. I was feeling very unskilled, unmotivated, and useless when I applied for this job. I felt like I've stepped on all my life so why not be the guy who supplies fresh clean floor mats that people will step on. It's not me they are stepping on anymore.. it's the mats! I want to be the floor mat guy! Let's take a negative and make it a positive. This job would entail me driving a medium duty truck to assigned routes to customers. Then I would exchange floor mats and/or laundry products within my customer's facilities. The perks would be that I work by myself, get exercise, and be outdoors for a bit (and when I say outdoors I mean walking from the van to the location to get the mat).

Here is a link to their website if you would like to see more of what they do.

http://www.packerland.net

Americorps Vista- Youth Development Program

If got this job I would be considered a full time volunteer and receive a stipend of $946 a month for one year. This position is providing skills and programs to low income families to prepare them for college. I found this a great opportunity because I would teach all these kids to not graduate with a god@mn useless History degree like I did. I would say, “Don't be like me or else you will be writing a weekly blog about your miseries and making everyone around you depressed”. Real talk... this would be a great way to give back and make an impact.

Outro

This may be my last My Life Unemployed blog. I would like to thank all the writers who helped in making this blog a reality. You give me the inspiration, desire, and motivation to keep making this dream a reality. I would like to thank my family for supporting me in these tough times. Most of all.. I would like to thank my fans. You guys have been great. You make life unemployed that much greater. You know who you are. Keep on shining! Okay... enough of that... that was my attempt at being sentimental. Even though this is the end of Life Unemployed.. the party has just begun you dumb f*cks!

Coming Soon...

14 Hours From Unemployment 

My Life Unemployed #12 (Road Trip)

My Life Unemployed # 12 (30 Hour Road Trip)

Intro/3 Boys and a Buick

It took only 2 days from being back from a 12 day vacation that I decide to take a 30 hour road trip from Milwaukee to Phoenix. Well... it's not as random as it seems. My twin brother is moving in with his girlfriend so he has this grand idea of driving down there. I thought I would help my brother drive to Phoenix since he doesn't have car insurance (because I do). Also, my younger brother was going to help him drive, but he doesn't have a valid driver's license. Being that I have no job..I thought.. why not help these idiots? What's the worst that can happen when the car you bought two days ago for $500 is a 1990 Buick? So, between the 3 of us we had 2 valid drivers licenses, little to no knowledge of cars, and car insurance for a Toyota Camry (thus nullifying the car insurance). Like I said, “What's the worst that can happen?”

Car Background: 1990 Buick

For being such a sh*tty car, I must say it was very comfortable despite having it packed Beverly Hillbilly style. The outside of the car looked like I was it sitting in a scrap yard rusting away for 10 years . The speedometer fluctuated as it worked when it wanted it to. Luckily, we had a GPS system that told us how fast we were going. The speedometer only went up to 85mph, yet we got the Buick up to 94mph. Probably not a good idea but who cares, I'm here aren’t I. The odometer was funky too. Not sure if it worked but I didn't care not my car. You don't really need that unless your selling the car for resale value.

Another car mishap was that the driver side window did not stay up. We needed to buy a needle nose pliers to “roll up” the window. We had to stuff it with paper to keep it from falling down randomly. Other than that the car was in great shape despite that the check engine light was on for 90% of the trip. We also got nervous when the car stalled at a stop light. I believe we were very luckily as we drove this car over 1200 miles without having a major problem. I forgot to mention that the A/C did not work either, so it made for a warm, sweaty, and moist car ride.

We filled up the gas tank probably 6-7 times. Every time we filled up the gas tank it smelled like gas. We finally realized on the last fill up that the tank was leaking gas when filled to the top. We drove away each gas station leaving a trail of gasoline without knowing it. We don't know sh*t about cars. God were stupid when it comes to cars. I can't believe the car didn't blow up.

Time Line

Tuesday September 3^rd (Milwaukee, Chicago)

6:00pm-Depart My Moms House. Car is Packed with Clothes, Kitchen Ware, & More Clothes

6:10pm-Arrive at Potowatomi Casino. I win $30. Get $50 worth of free food from Casino Restaurant

7:00pm-Leave Milwaukee

8:30pm-Arrive in Chicago to pick up brother. Eat Dinner & Chill Out

9:45pm-Leave Chicago

11:00pm- Check Engine Light goes off and on every 15 minutes

Wednesday September 4 (Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico)

2:00am- In Missouri somewhere at a seedy Grocery Store. Buy needle nose pliers to put up window. See an elderly woman shopping this late. Also see a trashy guy buying flowers. Who needs flowers this late?

6:00am- Get Lost in Kansas City. Dumb GPS is being dumb. We drive through city.

9:30am- Stop in Small Town in Kansas and Eat at a Local Restaurant ran by Amish People. Eat A lot of pastries.

11:00am- Drive Thru Boring Kansas. Go through the not so Great Plains.

12:00pm- Check Engine Light is on permanently. We put oil in oil tank but light is still on.

1:30pm- Go Through Panhandle of Oklahoma. Looks like a dump.

2:30pm- Get to Texas. Looks even more like a dump than Oklahoma.

3:30pm- Eat at BBQ joint in Small Town of Texas. I'm scared of all the old white republicans.

6:30pm- Stop at Casino because it's just off freeway. We say, “lets stay for an hour” but we gamble for 3 hours playing Blackjack.

12:00am- Book a Hotel because it's too late to drive. We pay for hotel with money we won. Take showers and get a good night's rest. 6 more hours to drive!

Thursday September 5^th (New Mexico, Arizona)

11:45am-Leave Hotel, My brother gambles more (wins $50) and I eat breakfast.

1:00pm-Arrive in Arizona. We realize gas is leaking from gas tank. Drive away gas station quickly

3:00pm- Deadly hot heat in AZ with no working A/C.

4:00pm- I end up getting naked in back of car. Doesn't help.

Arrive

PHX Thursday September 5^th 5:15pm

We somehow dodged all toll roads on our road trip. Maybe they don't have toll roads on the way from MKE to PHX. Then we realized that our GPS was routed to avoid major highways and toll roads. This made perfect sense as it seemed like we were on the back roads for the whole trip. I felt like I was near a farm every 15 minutes. It was the most un scenic trip I ever took.

That is the trip. It will be forever remembered as “the Buick that could”. Let this trip be a reminder that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I needed this trip. If a beat up 1990 Buick can get to Milwaukee to Phoenix then a broken man down on his luck (me) should be able to get a full time job.

My Life Unemployed #11

Intro 

Oh what the hey... I'm getting desperate.  I applied to be a Girl Scout (not literally).  I should just become a girl scout though.  It's probably more lucrative than what I'm doing now.  I'd slang some girl scouts cookies.  I think that's sexist though.  Why don't the boy scouts make girl scout cookies?  Meaning.. why don't boys have boy scout cookies?  Does society think that boys can't bake and girls should be Betty Crocker?  Well, that's partly right but not at all.  My brother is a chef although he is a man.  Maybe... I'll invent Man Scout Cookies instead of Boy Scout Cookies.

Job Applied For

Girls Scouts of America- Volunteer Development Manager

Here is the actual cover letter I wrote to be the Girl Scouts of America's Volunteer Development Manager.

Cover Letter

To whom it may concern,

I am writing this letter to show my interest in beginning my career at the Girl Scouts of Wisconsin Southeast as the Volunteer Development Manager. I currently, and have worked in the non profit sector for 7 years at various organizations. I have worked in different neighborhoods in the Milwaukee area with a diverse group of children and parents.

I believe my past experiences at the YMCA and Boys & Girls Clubs have been very rewarding, and I would like to continue in making an impact through the Girl Scouts as the Volunteer Development Manager. As the YMCA Teen & Sports Manager and Play in the Parks Coordinator, I've coordinated all aspects of volunteering to on boarding, recruiting, and training volunteers. At the Boys & Girls Clubs of Milwaukee as the Sport, Fitness, & Recreation Coordinator, I have worked directly with motivating at risk youth from ages 4-18 in education, fitness, and a healthy lifestyle. These past experiences have given me a greater knowledge of working with a diverse group of children and in volunteerism.

In addition to my past experiences, I can offer your company a team player with a great work ethic, a positive attitude that creates an enjoyable working atmosphere, and passion for helping those who need help most.

My personal skills demonstrate what I have done in the past and can do in the future for you. I would like to schedule an interview at your convenience, so that we might discuss this matter further. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to meeting with you.

Sincerely,

**** *******

Analysis of Applying for this Job

I'm not sure if this is creepy or okay. We are “supposedly” living in a politically correct world yet I felt very vile and disgusted as I clicked the send button when I applied for this job. I don't know if I felt weird because of me or if society has made me feel this way? I wonder if any dudes work here or if it's all chicks? Anyways, the only reason I applied for this job is because I'm hoping for a life time supply of girl scout cookies. Man.... those are good! F*ck it!.... just give me a discount. I'd sell discount girl scout cookies on the down low. “Gimmie some caramel delites, thin mints... I'll eat all them cookies up. Man I'll eat some girl scout cookies fo sho!” Actually, I read the food labels on girl scout cookies. Geez.... those cookies are horrible! They are laced with food additives, preservatives, and sugar. Girl Scouts of America? More like Fat Girl Scouts of America. The only thing these girls are scouting for are for some more cookies.  You fat f*cks with your  Godd*mn cookies! What the f*ck does selling these cookies teach these girls? It teaches them to be drug dealers. It teaches them to be drug kingpins by selling sh*t that's addictive as f*ck but is no good for the community. F*ck the girl scouts and there f*cking cookies!

Have a nice day.

My Life Unemployed 10

My Life Unemployed #10

Intro

Hooray! Hooray! It's Life Unemployed #10! It is also Labor Day ironically. Funny how I'm not employed during Labor Day. Maybe I should be sobbing and not celebrating that fact that it's my 10th blog about being unemployed. Here are some Fun Facts (well there not really fun facts) about my Job Search. I shall call them Sad Facts instead. Here is a look at my life by the numbers.

Sad Facts

Days Unemployed: 38

Business Days Unemployed: 25

Jobs Applied for: 10

Cover Letters Written: 9

Interviews: 3

Hours I Searched for Jobs: N/A

Days on Vacation: 12 days

Business Days on Vacation: 8 days

Statistical Job Analysis

I have applied for 10 jobs and have had 3 interviews. Statistically speaking, I have 30% chance of getting an interview for every 10 jobs I apply for. That's a low percentage yet has a lot of potential to grow.

I have had 3 interviews all with non profit companies. I have had no job offers after these interviews. So, as it stands I'm 0 for 3 with job offers after interviews. As of now, I have a 0% chance of getting a job after the interviews. These are the plain facts. Numbers don't lie.

Lets take a deeper look in the numbers. I have been unemployed for 25 business days and have been on vacation for 8 business days. I have been on vacation for nearly a quarter (25%) of my unemployment. My first strategy will be implementing a "No Vacation Policy" effective immediately thus having more time to dedicate to the job search.

Overall, I have applied for 10 jobs in 25 business days. This comes out to 1 job application per 2.5 days. This includes writing a cover letter as well. The data shows that I need to be applying to at least 1 job per day. If I apply to 1 job per 5 business days I should be able to get 1 interview per week. The data also suggests that for every interview I get I have a 0% chance of getting the job. In conclusion, I'm a failure with a 0% chance of succeeding. I have the data to back it up. It's all right here. Ball don't lie.

Conclusion

In looking at the data and speaking in terms of the quantitative theory; we need to look at the variables, predicted factors, and the correlation of the values to support my 0% theory on never getting a job. We can conclude that I have a 0% chance of getting a non profit job (since those are the jobs I have most applied for). I could propose an alternate hypothesis in that I would have a higher percentage of a job offer if I applied for a job in different sector. However that theory is quickly eradicated by the fact that I only have non profit experience. It's nullified and will have great consequences in the ratio of percentages. It's a preposterous assumption that will negatively affect the outcome of my self esteem, life, and motivation. It's a model that can not be continued or my life as we know it may not exist.

My Life Unemployed # 9

My Life Unemployed # 9

My 2^nd Interview, Brewers Game, & Casino Again (oops)

My 2^nd Interview at InterFaith Senior Programs

This is a position I just applied to on a whim but after the interview I thought I would actually enjoy working here. I noticed I would be the only male to work here if I got this job as the office was packed with old white ladies. The white collard shirt I wore had 2 beer stains on it from the last 2 weddings I went to. I thought I could hide the stains with the tie I wore. I knew I should've washed the shirt or took it to the cleaners. I guess I could learn how to iron a shirt? That would probably be a good skill to learn. I was prepared to answer the stain question, “So.. How did you get those stains on your shirt and could you go in detail about how it happened?” Unfortunately, they did not ask that question. I accompanied my blue tie with black pants and black shoes. I looked like a server at Olive Garden. I was ready to serve up a side salad, hot bowl of pasta, and desert!!! It only took me 2 tries to tie my tie though. Tie a tie? I love that. Tie... it's a verb and a noun. That's like saying “I pant my pants, I shirted my shirt, and socked my socks”.

Lets just say the weekend I ate like a piggy.  It would've been horrible if I had an upset stomach so

I drank ginger aid hot tea. Ginger is great for your digestive system so I could have irritable free interview. I also relieved myself.... you know... gave myself a 5 finger discount. I thought this would a great way to calm me down but I was relaxed... a little too relaxed.  I had lost my “mojo”.  Next time, I'm going to keep my seamen in me. That sounds really weird but it's true, keep your seamen in you if you want to be successful.  I shaved which is good because I didn't have a gross mustache or 5 clock shadow. But the bad thing was that I looked like a 21 year old. Great... now they thought I was probably a college frat boy.

I believed the interview went pretty good but you never know what the interviewer thinks or how they perceive you. I didn't say “umm” a lot but instead I said “welllll”. At the end of the interview, the interviewer asked me the question, “On a scale to 1 to 10. How nervous were you?” I told her I was 6 or 7. I think I'm naturally a nervous person. I'm like a wigged out squirrel who craves nuts! I need to calm down and be more like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Celebrated My 2^nd Interview

You got to celebrate having an interview. I know it's not getting a job but getting a interview is still a great thing. I went to the Brewer game and snuck in some good ol fashioned crum (crotch rum). The Brewers are having a promotion in where they give each fan a $10 concession voucher for each game in August. I had 7 tickets and only 4 of us went to the game. So, we went in the game twice at different gates and used 2 different tickets to get $20 in vouchers for food each. We spent $80 of vouchers on food and drinks. We got 2 nachos, 2 cheese curd boats, 4 hot dogs, 2 slices of pizza, and 2 licorice ropes. I also stole a bag of peanuts. We ate like god@mn glutton hobo kings! Thanks for the sh*tstorm Brewers!!!! You actually lose by getting this free $10 voucher for food because the food tastes like donkey piss.

Casino Again

I was feeling lucky... I had the itch to go the casino and make some money the wrong way. This story ends in me losing $80. Instead of applying for jobs I tried to make a quick buck. I enabled my degenerate gambling twin brother to go with me by giving him $40. I basically gave money to my brother so that we could hang out. I'm trying to buy my brother's love back.  Even though I lost that money I still got to spend quality time with my bro.  Hmm.. maybe I'll win back my father's love by buying him booze and pot.  

Trip to the West Coast

I need to reward myself for applying for all these jobs so I'm taking a trip to California, Washington, Oregon, Colorado, and Wyoming. I need to get out of Milwaukee to clear my head. I've been on the grind. My Life Unemployed will be on a 10 day hiatus. I'll see you in September!!!

Blog Round Up

So, in the end I may have lost $80 at the casino but I did go to the Brewer game for free and got $70 worth of free food. If you look at it that way I broke even. Let's be optimistic here.

My Life Unemployed #8

Life Unemployed #8

Jobs Jobs Jobs

I should really rename this blog from “The American Wet Dream” to the “The American Dry Dream”. Take a look around, jobs are drying out everywhere! 

 This is something a southern redneck would say,

“We are outsourcing good American Jobs to other countries. Why are they building all deez MACDONALDS overseas! That's takin away a great American Job and given it to an Eskimo. We need dem MACDONALDS in the US of A. We ain't got enuff of dem McCheesburgers in the Confederate States. I tell you what... they ought to build a McDonald's right in my kitchen.”

Actually, there are a plenty of jobs out there. There are too many jobs out there. I've probably looked at hundreds upon hundreds of jobs. I have observed that in order to get a job, you need to be really unqualified, have no skills, and no pride to get a crap job. Or be really qualified, have skills, and talent to get a job no one else is qualified for. That's my mission statement.

Jobs Applied for Since August 15th: 0

I have taking a hiatus of applying for jobs the last couple of days. I felt like I was spending too much time applying for jobs and not enough time with my family. Let's get serious here. My Step family has been really complaining that they have seen less of me since I've been unemployed. Don't let life pass you by without spending times with your loved ones. Actually, I just made all the sh*t up but that's what you see in the movies. The husband spends too much time at work and not enough time with the family. In reality, it was my grandma's 90^th Birthday. She has an IPhone, plays Words With Friends, and texts messages. She is slowly becoming a teenager. Also, it is my gf's 30^th birthday. Sorry, to all my women readers, I'm taken. I've been preoccupied spending money for their birthday gifts and celebrations. I'm really scared to look at my bank account now.

Interview Prep #2

I have an interview for a job at Interfaith Senior Programs today. I'm debating on whether I should wear my Looney Tunes tie? I think it would be a great Ice Breaker!  "Hey.. nice tie.. I love Bugs Bunny" or they would tell me, “Get outta my office.. YOU make a mockery of this interview”. In actuality I'm dressing as a waiter you would see at a nice restaurant. I'm wearing black pants and a white collard shirt that I haven't washed after two open bar weddings this summer. The neck is a little yellow from sweat but It doesn't smell like booze anymore. Don't worry I should be good. I've put in about 3 hours of interview prep for a job I don't really want. It's all about interview experience. Sky is the limit, If I can be comfortable in awkward situations.  

My Life Unemployed #7

My Life Unemployed # 7

Tuesday August 11

Today, I got up extra early since I didn't apply for any jobs yesterday. I got up in the wee morning of 8am. For most of you, that is not early, that is actually sleeping in. For me however it's quite the opposite, it's quite late. You try getting up at 8am when you know you have nothing to do for the rest of the day. It's not that easy! Live a day in my shoes and you will be unpleasantly surprised. Why wake up early when you don't have to do sh*t for the rest of the day?

Jobs Applied for

University of Wisconsin Milwaukee -Student Services Coordinator

For this particular job I would be working in the Admissions Office. I would be supervising staff, reviewing admission applications, and processing applications. I found this interesting because I would have a say in who the university would be admitting into their college. I would have the power to access or deny a person's future! I have no idea what I'm doing with my future but if I got this job I would really crush someones dreams! Muhahahaha (evil sinister laugh)... I'm letting this go to my head way too much.

I love how jobs have a disclaimer after you send your resume in saying, “Please no phone calls. We will contact you for an interview”. I love when they do this because I don't have to make that insecure call in where I speak nervously and stutter, “I..I..I.. was checking on the status of my my my app app application... hav hav have you made your de de decision yet yet yet?” I would like to avoid that particular phone call. I guess I'm hoping that I'm unqualified for a position so I don't have to talk to HR.

Bingo At the Casino

Went to play Bingo with my Grandma at the Casino. This is what unemployed old people do. They play Bingo. Bingo players are one of the fiercest groups out there. I would not f*ck with them by any means. They have a dauber pack which holds there daubers, trolls, and other miscellaneous items that old people bring. Old people are ruthless wrinkled savages! They'll let you know too. They will “shoosh” you, they will yell, and they will complain! I'm scared to go back to play Bingo. It's a rough crowd over there. Skip that.

Free Movie

Hey, when don't have a lot of money to spend you need to find free entertainment. Entertainment costs money. Fortunately, I got a free sneak peak to see the movie Kick Ass 2. Got to love a free violent movie in where a 15 year old girl goes on a killing spree!

My Life Unemployed # 6

My Life Unemployed # 6

Today I had a interview, didn't apply for jobs, and realized interviews are a load of dog poop.

Interview Update at the YMCA

  I knew the guy hiring me, so it was a little awkward answering questions as if he didn't know me. He started off with the cliché interview question, “So tell me about yourself”. I thought in my head... really... I know you. I had to get in the mind frame of not knowing him. I put on my serious face and went through with it. I answered all the questions as if I didn't know him. At one point he asked the question, “what would your super hero power be and why?”.  I answered, “invincibility” because I believe it's the best super hero power ever. How do you lose a fight to a super villain if your invincible? I failed this question ultimately, because I answered it in a literal sense, as if I was a real super hero fighting real villains. Godd@mnt, I must've sounded like an idiot.

  Since, I really don't know how to iron clothes, my khakis and polo were a little wrinkled but it wasn't like I was interviewing to be the CEO. I applied to be a Wellness Center Attendant. I feel like an “Attendant” demeans the job even more. Anytime someone is an "attendant", you know they don't have a lot of responsibilities, they are just “attending” to things. My goals should be higher, but this is the only interview offer I've had. Beggars can't be choosers or else beggars will become beggars (literally).

Jobs Applied for

Today, I didn't apply for sh*t.  I didn't even look at any employment websites. I was too busy preparing for my 12:00pm interview. I didn't have to time to look for jobs because I had more important things to do like write this blog and go disc golfing. Way to prioritize my life me! I also had my last class of Judo in which I've learned how to fall the “correct way”.  This class was 8 weeks long and we spent half of the class falling down.  I thought this would help me with discipline but in reality it has helped me do nothing but fall on my @ss and get right back up.  So, in theory, I guess I did learn something, "if you fall down get right back up".  

Life Observations

Interviewing is all Bullsh*t!   Meaning if you can out bullsh*t your interviewer then you got yourself a job. I'm too honest to be a bullsh*tter thats why I suck at them. Prepping for a interview is like preparing for an acting gig. You have to remember all your lines, show enthusiasm, and give your best presentation on why they should pick you. Being a good interviewer is being a great actor such as Rob Schneider, Dax Shephard, or Vin Diesel (those are all time greats). To obtain a high demand job, you need to lie on your resume, lie during your interview, and then lie some more. Lie Lie Lie!!!!!! I guess it's good to teach your kids to lie, they'll grow up and lie there way to successful jobs. Not me, I'm going the honest unemployed route.